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All right, I can't act, okay?
S07E11 A Piñata Named Desire
07:26 – 07:28
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I don't believe he's really offering you water.
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[ Chuckles ] You guys should've seen it.
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00:04
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:10
Listen, Rose, you're gonna go on and make lots of babies...
00:14
and you're gonna watch 'em grow.
00:16
Promise me you'll survive.
00:18
Never let go.
00:22
[ Coos ]
00:23
[ Thudding ]
00:26
Very nice audition. Thank you.
00:28
Thank you, Mr. Rivera-perez, for writing a play as brave as Piñata Man.
00:33
A lonely piñata maker who pretends to be as empty as the toys he makes.
00:41
Thank you.
00:43
Thank you.
00:47
Uh, who's next?
00:49
You have my headshot, correct?
00:55
Excellent.
00:58
Forgot to strike my prop.
01:01
[ Squawks ]
01:08
Then Duper said we were out of paper clips, so I went to the supply closet.
01:11
And guess what your old dad found behind the postage.
01:14
Ohh! - Had my big audition, and—
01:16
[ Imitates Gun ] Killed it! - [ Gasps ]
01:18
Good for you! - That's great.
01:21
I was in the middle of a story. - You found the paper clips. Terrible story.
01:23
Anyway, the director liked me so much, I got a callback for the lead!
01:27
It's the role of a lifetime.
01:29
Much bigger than my voice-over work on Pac-man: The Animated Series.
01:33
"I eat ghosts like you for breakfast!"
01:35
[ Imitating Video Game ]
01:37
What do you think you're doing? That's the big piece.
01:39
Yeah, so? - The big piece goes to the big dog, a.k.a. me.
01:43
And what makes you the big dog? - Um, everything.
01:46
I'm smarter than you, I'm stronger than you, I can wet-nurse better than you.
01:50
Easy, girls.
01:52
sorry, Stan. Anything you can do, I can do better.
01:54
I can do anything better than you.
01:56
No, you can't! - Yes, I can!
01:57
No, you can't! - Yes, I can!
01:58
Yes, I can
02:00
No, you can't
02:02
-♪ Yes, I - Can No, you can't
02:04
Enough! Can't we have one meal without you two getting into an angry singing contest?
02:10
Why is everything a competition?
02:12
Yeah, you guys should just fuck and get it over with.
02:16
Clearly, they have repressed sexual feelings for each other...
02:18
that they're channeling into hostility.
02:20
How's that Psych 101 class goin'?
02:22
It's only day three, but I understand how the whole world works now.
02:25
Roger, while you "act" in your little community theater plays, do you know where I am?
02:29
Jerkin' it? - I'm on undercover C.I.A. missions...
02:32
acting for an audience of ruthless thugs, terrorists and assassins.
02:35
And if I'm unconvincing or forget a line...
02:37
I don't get a bad review, I get a bullet to the head.
02:40
Life and death stakes— that's real acting.
02:44
You're a badass, Dad.
02:46
You guys don't really do that James Bond stuff.
02:49
And you, that's enough from you for the night.
02:51
It's bedtime. Go to your room.
02:54
Get back here. Give me a kiss.
02:57
[ Kiss ] - You're a good boy. You just frustrate me.
03:05
So what's on the agenda for tonight's sleepover?
03:08
Well, after pizza, we'll retire to my tree house...
03:11
watch an '80s crap-fest— say Critters or Critters 2—
03:14
and cap it off with a foray into demon worship, courtesy of the Ouija board.
03:18
No! Last time I summoned a demon, and now he won't leave me alone.
03:24
Delicious!
03:26
[ Groaning ]
03:28
Oh, wait. Wait. You dorks still have slumber parties?
03:32
[ Laughing ]
03:34
Look, they're not slumber parties.
03:36
I mean, trust me, when the four of us get together in a bedroom...
03:39
there's not much slumbering goin' on.
03:41
[ All Laughing ]
03:47
"Have you ever seen the word 'piñata,' Miss Lopez?
03:50
It has that squiggly line over the 'N' that looks like an eyebrow...
03:54
or a stain upon the soul."
03:57
Oh, rehearsing for your little play audition?
04:00
Well, I have a big undercover mission tonight where I'll be doing some real acting.
04:05
No, he doesn't. He's so lying.
04:07
You know, Stanislavsky says that acting is the grandest lie.
04:12
[ Screams, Gasping ]
04:16
[ Bell Rings ]
04:21
You guys ready? My mom's picking us up in front any minute.
04:24
Yeah. Uh, I just remembered, I gotta go get my circumcision touched up.
04:28
Uh, Toshi and I have to get to a taping of Benson.
04:35
Wait. You're all bailin' on the sleepover because people made fun of us.
04:39
Maybe we are too old for sleepovers. We're not kids anymore.
04:43
There's a person inside Big Bird.
04:46
But the best moments of our lives have been at sleepovers.
04:49
Remember?
04:50
Come on and let the good times roll'
04:54
We gonna stay here till we soothe our souls
04:58
if it take all night long ♪
05:00
♪ One more time
05:02
Come on and let the good times roll'
05:06
♪ We gonna stay here till we soothe—,//
05:08
I know we gotta grow up some time, but damn it, not today.
05:12
I say we plan one last sleepover two weeks from today.
05:16
The sleepover to end all sleepovers. Who's with me?
05:22
[ Together ] We all had a black friend!
05:29
[ Engine Starts ]
05:49
Hurry up, people. The Indonesian drug cartel will be here any minute.
05:53
It's almost showtime.
05:54
Smith, you need to get into wardrobe and makeup. - [ Fingers Snap ]
05:59
He really is an actor.
06:03
Sir, they're pulling up. - Places, everyone.
06:05
[ Chattering ] - * [ Piano]
06:08
Good evening, gentlemen. Right this way.
06:15
That's your cue. - Magic time.
06:20
Water?
06:21
What did you say?
06:23
Water?
06:24
You're offering me water...
06:27
but somehow I'm not buying that you are really offering me water.
06:33
It's a set-up!
06:35
[ Gunfire ] - [ Screaming ]
06:41
What the hell were you thinking? Improvising a line?
06:44
There's a reason I never give you lines, Smith.
06:47
You can't act!
06:50
Stan, don't blame yourself.
06:53
Oh, thank you.
06:54
That's acting. How cool is this?
06:57
He got shot in the back of the head, now he's just like a puppet.
07:00
Hope he doesn't mind I'm doing this.
07:02
S'all right? - S'all right.
07:09
How'd the big mission go last night? - Uh, fine.
07:13
Water?
07:15
Water? - What are you doing, Roger?
07:17
Wh-Wh-What am I— What am I doing, Stan? Water.
07:20
Well, whatever he's doing, it doesn't sound genuine.
07:23
I don't believe he's really offering you water.
07:26
All right, I can't act, okay?
07:28
[ Chuckles ] You guys should've seen it.
07:30
A whole room full of agents killed by Stan's bad acting.
07:34
God, it was terrible! Hilarious.
07:36
Big piece for the guy who didn't create 14 widows last night.
07:42
[ Sighs ] You're right.
07:45
You're a real actor. I'm not.
07:47
I was jealous because I never get the cool parts in undercover missions.
07:51
How did you get to be so good?
07:52
I had a great teacher. You should look him up. Tell him I sent you.
07:56
"Erwin Beyer Junior, Acting Coach."
07:59
This-This is you, isn't it?
08:00
I'm gonna get down there, and it's gonna be you.
08:03
strong possibility.
08:07
And I asked him, "Mr. Antonioni, how do you direct your actors?"
08:11
And he said, "I don't.
08:13
After each take, I simply ask them, 'How did that feel?"
08:17
[ All] Ohh.
08:19
Some know. Some know.
08:22
Now, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
08:24
I've got a callback next week for the new play Piñata Man.
08:27
And since I'm going to get it, that means no class for a while.
08:29
[ All ] No!
08:31
[ Fingers Snap ] - Log that emotion. Save it for a rape scene.
08:34
Okay, we still have this week. Let's get to work.
08:36
Peter and Bess, you'll be doing a scene from Hamlet.
08:39
Jamie and Darrell, you'll do Our town,
08:41
and, Stan and Stacy, I'm giving you one of the most riveting scenes ever put to paper:
08:46
WarGames, act two, scene 19.
08:50
David and Jennifer— Broderick and Sheedy—
08:52
are trying to flee Goose Island to prevent global thermonuclear war.
08:56
But David's about to face his own personal war.
08:59
Tick-tack. Go.
09:02
Maybe we can swim for it.
09:04
No. No, I can't swim.
09:06
You can't swim? - No, I can't, okay, Wonder Woman? I can't swim.
09:10
I always thought there was going to be plenty of time.
09:13
I wish I didn't Know about any of this and tomorrow it would just be over.
09:17
Oh, God, I really wanted to learn how to swim.
09:20
Somebody remind me to cancel my Ambien prescription.
09:24
[ Chuckles ]
09:27
Okay, Stan, we're gonna run this scene all week until you make it perfect.
09:31
The rest of you will get no attention from me.
09:34
But there's no refunds, so... your move.
09:43
That's the one. Those are the pajamas we should wear for our last sleepover.
09:47
Ah, I don't know.
09:49
The striped ones are better for hiding unwanted pillow fight boners.
09:54
No. No kimonos.
09:57
I'm sorry. We need to get on the same page here. Can we think about it?
10:00
[ German Accent ] You can.
10:02
I can't guarantee that the pajamas will be here when you return.
10:06
Just this morning, there were four other boys looking at these same very jammies.
10:09
They— [ Chuckles ] smacked of rich.
10:14
Come on. This guy's full of it.
10:18
Yo, Deutschland, ring those jammie-jams up, 'cause we like 'em baggy and saggy.
10:23
You tell him, Little Turtle.
10:25
And you better hurry up, 'cause Little Vincent's throwin' a sleepover...
10:28
and Bindi Irwin is comin'.
10:30
[ All Laughing ] - Ooh, man!
10:32
[ Little Turtle ] Yeah! Oh, yeah!
10:36
Oh, yeah!
10:41
I really wanted to learn how to swim.
10:44
[ Imitates Farting ] That was a fake fart,
10:48
because I couldn't summon up a real one to express my disgust with your acting.
10:51
[ Farts ] - Oh!
10:53
I give up. I'll never learn how to act.
10:57
stan, you need to make a personal connection with the character, and you have one.
11:02
Just like David doesn't know how to swim, you don't know how to act.
11:07
Stacy, I want to try something with Stan.
11:09
Go get me a butterscotch. - A butterscotch what?
11:17
Stan, we're gonna do this again...
11:18
but this time, I want you to exchange the word "swim" with the word "act."
11:23
[ Inhales ]
11:25
Maybe we can swim for it!
11:26
No, no. I... can't act.
11:34
You can't act? - No, I can't, okay, Wonder Woman?
11:37
I can't act. I always thought there was gonna be plenty of time.
11:41
I wish I didn't Know about any of this and tomorrow it would just be over.
11:45
Oh, God. I really wanted to learn how to act.
11:49
[ Applauding ] - Nice.
11:51
Stan. - Wow.
11:53
Oh, Stan, you can act.
11:56
Oh, you've made such progress, such confusing progress.
12:01
Okay, let's finish the scene.
12:03
Wait, we can't finish the scene. They kiss. - So?
12:05
I'm not gonna kiss you. You're... you.
12:08
You can't be a great actor unless you commit.
12:11
Forget it. I'm not kissing you.
12:12
I wasn't sure, so I got butterscotch pudding, butterscotch candy...
12:16
and butterscotch morsels.
12:19
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
12:24
Pudding Man!
12:32
Who knows why that didn't work?
12:37
Okay, so we're all agreed. We're going to go with the pepperoni.
12:41
[ Inhales ] Oh, I don't know.
12:43
Pepperoni doesn't seem like a last sleepover pizza.
12:46
You know, because pepperoni starts out as one stick...
12:49
and then you have to cut it all up.
12:51
I-i fear it sends a message of separation more than unity.
12:55
You're killing me! - Don't bite my head off!
12:57
Yeah, don't bite his head off - Shut up, Barry!
13:00
You're just gonna eat all the pizza anyway!
13:02
Hey, don't lob factual statements at me as if they're insults!
13:06
Can we all just calm down and pick a pizza?
13:08
You mean, can you pick a pizza!
13:11
You're the one pushing for a sleepover...
13:13
even though we all know we're too old for this crap!
13:16
[ Gasps ]
13:17
[ Speaking Japanese ]
13:20
-[ Slap ] - Learn English!
13:22
Learn... English!
13:30
[ Grunts ]
13:32
[ Groaning ] - [ Screaming ]
13:34
[ Speaking Japanese ]
13:36
Stop! All of you just stop!
13:39
You know what? I don't think we've outgrown sleepovers.
13:42
I think we've outgrown each other.
13:47
The "all is lost" moment!
13:55
Atención. I have the cast list.
13:58
Now, when they announce me as the lead...
14:00
I want you to pop this bottle of champagne and pound it...
14:03
so you can work up the courage to go buy me cocaine.
14:05
[ Chuckles ] I'm gonna want to celebrate.
14:06
Let's start with the male lead.
14:10
A real sparkling talent.
14:12
For the role of Piñata Man...
14:16
Stan Smith!
14:18
[ Clapping ] - [ Gasps ] What?
14:24
I'd like to thank Mr. Rivera-perez for giving me a last-minute audition.
14:27
i'd also like to thank my acting teacher...
14:29
who unknowingly trained me to steal this part right out from under him...
14:33
making me the better actor, and once again, the big dog.
14:36
[ Panting ] The "all is lost" moment!
14:46
[ Mexican Accent ] You don't know what it's like...
14:48
to taste the pico de gallo of a man's heart.
14:50
I Know too well, hombre. Our chips inside us are the same, no?
14:54
Lo Mismo. Salty. Salty with tears.
15:00
Would the señor and señorita like to hear about the nacho especial?
15:04
Cut! You don't have any lines! Stop improvising!
15:09
I need to be heard! I have 20 people coming to see me.
15:12
I'm crushing hard on one of 'em.
15:14
Do you know what that's like, Mr. Rivera-perez.
15:17
You're a gay amateur director. You must've crushed hard on someone along the way.
15:21
Daniel? Maybe-Maybe there was— there was a Daniel in your life?
15:26
[ Crickets Chirping ]
15:31
Yep. Don't need anyone else to have a good time.
15:34
Just, uh, gonna entertain myself.
15:40
[ Grunts ]
15:44
Oh. Oh, hey. Hi. Wh-what are you doin' here?
15:47
We got an e-mail that the sleepover was back on.
15:50
I didn't send any e-mail. - I did.
15:53
Ronnie? - That's right.
15:56
The forgotten fifth member of the sleepover gang.
15:59
But you moved to Scottsdale years ago. How did you—
16:02
Let's just say someone sent me an e-mail about what went down.
16:06
I understand you guys got in a big fight.
16:10
Look, you aren't mad at each other.
16:12
You're mad at growin' up.
16:14
And I'm mad too. But we gotta get over it.
16:17
Tonight, we gotta... sleep over it.
16:23
But, first, I suggest you all turn around...
16:25
so you can see Steve's mom undressing through that window.
16:29
Mmm. Look at them "tig ol' bitties."
16:37
Atención! I have terrible news.
16:40
Yacinda and her understudy were both injured in a freak accident.
16:44
Well, how are we gonna do the show without a leading lady?
16:46
Luckily, I met an ingenue today who knows the play by heart.
16:50
Everyone, meet Clashanne Montague.
16:53
Diamonds, diamonds, friends and men ♪
16:56
Diamonds
16:57
I can't believe you sabotaged those girls.
16:59
Really? Seems like something I would totally do.
17:02
Get ready, Stan. I'm gonna act circles around you out there.
17:05
We'll see. May the best actor win.
17:09
This is Sparta!
17:11
This is Sparta!
17:13
This is Sparta!
17:16
[ Man ] This is Sparta. - Stop it, Jimmy. You don't know what we're doing.
17:21
é [ Acoustic Guitar ]
17:29
Are you the Piñata Man?
17:36
He waits so long between words.
17:38
Because he's good.
17:41
[ Sobbing ]
17:45
[ Grunts ]
17:46
[ All ] Ohh!
17:48
[ Applause Continues ]
17:50
[ Grunts ] - [ Louder Applause ]
17:53
[ Grunts ] - [ Louder Applause ]
17:55
[ Grunts ] - [ Louder Applause ]
17:57
[ Grunts ] - [ Louder Applause, Cheering ]
18:03
Why did I give my heart to a man who breaks everything he makes?
18:07
Everything you make breaks.
18:09
[ Murmuring ]
18:12
Everything I make breaks! - [ Clapping, Chattering ]
18:15
You break and you break and you break and you break!
18:18
[ Applauding, Chattering ]
18:20
Cause I be breakin' and makin' and takin' your heart
18:23
[ Cheering, Applauding ]
18:25
You've been shakin' and bakin' and snakin' from the start
18:27
[ Louder Cheering, Applauding ]
18:29
Earthquake, bake cake, flank steak, Ricki Lake What you ladies want?
18:32
[ Together ] Ricki Lake!
18:33
Fellas? - [ Together ] Flank steak!
18:35
[ Women ] Ricki Lake! - [ Men ] Flank steak!
18:38
Ricki Lake! - Flank steak!
18:42
[ Cheering, Applauding ]
18:46
Listen to that. They adore my acting.
18:49
Not for long. Because next is... the love scene.
18:54
You won't be able to kiss me...
18:56
the play will go off the rails...
18:57
and once and for all it will be clear that I'm the better actor.
19:05
You— You don't know what it's like to taste the pico de gallo of a man's heart.
19:11
I Know too well, hombre. Our chips inside us are the same, no?
19:15
Lo Mismo. Salty. Salty with tears.
19:23
[ Murmuring ]
19:27
[I Guitar Strums ]
19:32
[ Moans ]
19:39
You call that acting? [ Moaning ]
19:45
This is acting. Mmm! - [ Man Groans ]
19:48
That's nothing! [ Moaning ] - What are they doing?
19:55
[ Audience Groans ] - [ Man ] Ohh.
19:58
-[ Rips ] - [ Audience Groans Louder ]
20:01
[ Man ] Ohh! - [ Audience Groans Louder ]
20:06
[ Audience Groans ]
20:08
[ Woman ] Oh, God!
20:11
[ Woman ] Ew! - [ Audience Groans Louder ]
20:14
I'm acting the crap out of you.
20:16
Public indecency? We weren't really doing it! We were just acting!
20:24
You know why they thought we were having sex?
20:26
Because our acting was that damn good.
20:29
No, because your acting was that damn good.
20:32
No, you. You were a very generous scene partner.
20:34
Hey, I was feeding off your amazing energy.
20:37
[ Engine Starts ] - [ No Audible Dialogue ]
20:38
[ Siren Blaring ] - I-I don't get it. They're friends again?
20:42
Told you. They just needed to fuck.
20:46
[ Steve Narrating ] That night we had the best sleepover of our lives.
20:49
Maybe because we knew it was our last
20:51
In the morning, our childhood would evaporate like a dream...
20:54
and wed head into the dawn of adulthood
20:58
We never figured out which one of us e-mailed Ronnie.
21:00
In fact. To this day, I'm pretty sure he was just some black dude...
21:03
who overheard us planning our sleepover in the pizza parlor.
21:06
But he sure was awesome
21:08
Oh, my God, look at Ronnie.
21:10
You're doin' it, Ronnie!
21:12
You're doin' it.
21:46
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
