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schmuley!
S07E12 You Debt Your Life
17:18 – 17:19
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00:04
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:10
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:13
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:19
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:23
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:28
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:31
[ Jukebox: Rock ] - [ Girl Band ],$ Shake it up
00:33
♪ When things start to settle down
00:36
Shake it up Shake it up
00:37
Anybody want a piece of this?
00:39
Against my will.
00:41
I won't accuse anyone.
00:43
Okay, lady, you've had enough.
00:45
I want to hear it from him.
00:46
You've probably had enough.
00:48
[ Groans ]
00:50
You were too big to punch.
00:52
[ Groaning ] - [ Laughing ]
00:53
[ Laughing ] - [ Horn Honking ]
00:56
[ Tires Screeching ]
00:57
[ Crowd Shouting ]
01:00
[ Grunts ]
01:03
[ Gulping ]
01:05
[ Ship Horn Blowing ]
01:14
I did it perfectly. - [ Horn Honking ]
01:17
[ Stan Grunts ] - [ Horn Fading ]
01:18
stan? What are you doing here?
01:20
You called me. - No, I didn't.
01:22
[ Beeps ]
01:23
[[ Slurred ] Stan, i'm at Shenanigan's.
01:25
i'm super drunk and about to get raped
01:27
Come pick me up in 45 minutes.
01:30
Hey, I did call you. I sound great.
01:33
I should get voice-over work.
01:35
[ Low, Growly Voice ] In a world where vomit comes out of my mouth—
01:38
[ Groans ]
01:40
[ Gurgling ]
01:45
Great. I tore my favorite suit saving your drunk ass.
01:48
Oh, please. You'd be so bored without me.
01:51
I would not. You're annoying.
01:52
Driving you home from bars, cleaning up your messes...
01:55
returning Somalian babies you've adopted.
01:57
Their little hands can get stuff out of my butt.
02:00
I don't know why I saved your life last night.
02:01
I should've let that bus kill you.
02:03
Wow, Dad. You saved Roger's life?
02:05
I guess you guys are even now.
02:07
Even? - Yeah, you know-— the life debt.
02:09
Yeah. - Oh, right.
02:10
[ Klaus ] That's true.
02:11
I understand, too, Hayley, but would you explain it anyway?
02:15
I love to hear things summarized.
02:17
Sure, Mom.
02:18
Years ago, Roger was a prisoner in Area 51.
02:21
He got loose, and Dad was the one who found him.
02:25
Guards threw grenades into the room—
02:26
[ Groans ]
02:29
and Roger saved Dad's life.
02:34
Ever since then, Dad's owed Roger a life debt...
02:36
and that's why he lives with us.
02:38
Hey. Now that the debt's repaid, he can move out.
02:41
Klaus, the life debt may be why Stan invited me to stay here at first...
02:44
but we all Know he loves me now and wants me to be here.
02:47
Nope, it's the life debt.
02:48
It's always been the life debt...
02:50
and now it's repaid.
02:51
I don't owe you squat!
02:52
Stan. - No.
02:54
No, it's true. He doesn't.
02:56
And if that's how you feel, Stan, maybe I should just move out.
02:59
Maybe you should. - Fine. I'll move out today.
03:02
Great. See ya. - You'll miss me!
03:05
Should've grabbed my fanny pack instead of that jerk.
03:11
Oh. Fanny pack? - Finally.
03:14
Yes. At Area 51, when I met Stan, I was wearing my special fanny pack.
03:19
But it fell off, and I had to choose between grabbing it or saving Stan.
03:23
Clearly, I chose wrong. - Oh.
03:27
Aren't you gonna ask me what's so special about the fanny pack?
03:30
Okay. What's so special about—
03:32
That's personal! Stay out of my business!
03:35
[ Grunts ]
03:37
[ Door Slams Open ]
03:40
[ Whimpering ] Oh! Oh, no.
03:41
Tell Francine to stay out of my business!
03:44
[ Whimpering ]
03:49
And lunch today will be pizza...
03:51
[On p.a. ] and Tater Tots.
03:52
Tater Tots! All right!
03:54
Heya, friendos. How's this sound?
03:57
"The Sci-fi Club will meet Wednesday at 3:00.
03:59
This week's topic:
04:01
the complicated relationship between black people and science fiction."
04:04
sounds good. Hey, here he comes.
04:06
Hey, Zach, could you announce our Sci-fi Club meeting tomorrow?
04:10
Yeah. No.
04:12
But it's a club, and—
04:13
Look, I decide what's worth announcing...
04:15
and stupid crap like that ain't it.
04:19
Wow, what a jerk.
04:21
Someone should put Zach in his place.
04:23
Yeah, his ego is out of control.
04:26
Like my blood sugar.
04:31
Thanks for letting me move in right away, Miles.
04:33
Hey, no problem at all.
04:35
Whoa! Who is this dog?
04:37
Is this so we don't get hard-ons in the common area?
04:39
That's my mother. - [ Groans ]
04:41
I wouldn't even do coke off this picture.
04:43
Oh, who am I kidding? I would, and I'm about to.
04:47
Mama's boy!
04:50
Your neighbor's a mama's boy. - Yeah, I know.
04:52
[ Elderly Woman ] Who's at the door, Todd?
04:54
It's for me, Mommy. I love you!
05:02
[ Sighs ]
05:04
What are you doing up here?
05:05
Oh, uh, just enjoying Roger being gone.
05:08
Oh, that's cool.
05:09
So I guess neither of us came up here for any particular reason.
05:15
And soccer practice has been moved to the upper field.
05:19
Are you sure this will work, Steve?
05:21
Snot, this strategy always works.
05:24
And congratulations to the badminton squad...
05:26
who will be going to regionals.
05:28
Zach, will you announce our Sci-fi Club meeting?
05:30
I told you, no.
05:32
But don't the students have a right to hear about—
05:34
Those stupid sheep hear what I want them to hear!
05:37
I decide what gets announced...
05:39
and those idiots out there do what I tell them!
05:41
Zachary!
05:42
For Pete's sake, the microphone is still on!
05:45
[ Gasps ]
05:48
[ Switch Clicks ]
05:50
[ Feedback On PA. ] - It worked.
05:51
People always forget the microphone is still on.
05:55
I always forget the stove is on.
05:58
Zachary, you've lost your announcing privileges.
06:01
[ Sobbing ]
06:03
Steve, I want you to be our new announcer.
06:05
Me? Uh, thank you, sir.
06:08
Here's your trophy.
06:10
[ Laughing ] I'm just kidding.
06:12
Can you imagine if you got this big-ass trophy just for announcing?
06:15
No. No, a trophy like this...
06:18
is for when you star in over 40 adult films in under two months.
06:22
That's how you get a trophy like this, son.
06:27
[ Door Opens, Closes ]
06:28
sorry things didn't work out with your new roommate, Roger.
06:31
I tell you it's a cruel, cruel world out here.
06:34
Did you know I saw a man beat down another man today for a sandwich?
06:38
A sandwich, Francine. This sandwich.
06:41
I wish I could just come home.
06:43
So come home. We want you there.
06:46
Stan doesn't. As far as he's concerned...
06:48
the only reason I was living there was the life debt he owed me.
06:51
And now it's repaid.
06:52
Forget about the life debt.
06:54
Stan's too proud to admit he misses you, but I know he does.
06:58
Hey, what if you offer to pay rent?
07:01
Then Stan would have a perfect excuse to take you back.
07:04
You know, that could actually work.
07:06
I don't mind paying a little rent.
07:08
All right, I'm comin' home!
07:10
[ Grunts ] - Oh!
07:11
Hi, kids!
07:16
As soon as Stan sees my face...
07:18
he'll realize how much he's missed me.
07:20
[ Grunts ]
07:22
This isn't my feather boa.
07:24
It's beautiful, but it's not mine.
07:26
[ Sniffs, Gasps ]
07:27
This has been inside someone!
07:31
"A Travel Guide to Tokyo's Finest Defecation Clubs?
07:34
This stuff seems like it's mine, but it's not.
07:37
What is going on?
07:42
Stan, who the hell is this?
07:43
My new tenant. Meet Andy Dick.
07:46
A pleasure. [ Whimpering Chuckle ]
07:50
Oh, my God!
07:51
Another fey, pansexual, alcoholic nonhuman!
07:54
I've been replaced!
07:56
Egads.
07:57
Who are you calling fey?
08:00
I have a son.
08:04
[ Bed Springs Creaking ]
08:07
Bouncing, bouncing f
08:09
Vodka, Andy Dick
08:11
Andy, if you need anything, just let me know.
08:13
Welcome to our home.
08:16
How could Stan think he could replace me with you?
08:19
You are so annoying. [ Belches ]
08:21
I'm not annoying. I'm a princess.
08:25
[ Tarts ]
08:26
Oops. I sharted.
08:28
Stan's not gonna put up with you.
08:29
You won't last two hours.
08:32
[Man R B] - Since you been gone,'
08:34
[ Andy Chuckling ]
08:36
I've been all alone
08:39
Waiting and waiting
08:41
♪ With my telephone - [ Horns Honking ]
08:43
Get in this car! - No.
08:46
♪ You never call'
08:47
And girl, i'm so alone ♪
08:50
[ Sirens Wailing ]
08:52
Youre hurting me. honey,'
08:54
Right down to the bone
08:57
Ooh, baby love
09:01
Oh, God.
09:02
They're doing everything we used to do together.
09:05
These should have been my good times.
09:08
I've seen enough. Drive me home, David.
09:11
[ Coin Clatters ] - [ Motor Whirring ]
09:15
I live right up here on the left.
09:22
What are you doing? - Oh, Andy thought it'd be funny...
09:24
to make me a "melted cheese and work-I-was-supposed-to-do" sandwich on briefcase bread.
09:29
Stan, you're renting the attic to someone who's exactly like Roger.
09:33
Just admit you miss him.
09:34
I have no idea what you're talking about.
09:36
Andy is nothing like Roger.
09:37
Look! I'm a firefly!
09:41
[ Fireworks Whistling, Bursting ]
09:45
[Steve On PA. ] /] And lunch today is lasagna.
09:47
This concludes the announcements. Have a great day.
09:50
Well done, Steve.
09:52
That's right, Snot, 'cause I'm the man.
09:54
Whatever I say goes.
10:00
I said Miss de Gaulle's French class was moved to Room 215, and it is.
10:04
I see you, baby, shaking that derriere.
10:07
That means "butt-hole."
10:10
And behold. I said lunch was lasagna...
10:13
and they're eating lasagna!
10:15
Everything I say happens!
10:19
We gotta do something. Steve is drunk with power.
10:22
The drunker he gets, the better I look.
10:33
Roger?
10:36
[ Chuckles ] Sorry.
10:37
I'm looking for a friend.
10:39
i''d say you found one.
10:42
Boing.
10:46
Roger!
10:48
Oh. Hey, Frannie.
10:49
I was just catching some Z's.
10:51
I got your message that you were staying here.
10:53
Roger, this YMCA stopped renting out rooms, like, 30 years ago.
10:57
What? I just put up all my pictures.
11:00
Oh, I wish you and Stan could just patch things up.
11:03
It's too late. I've been replaced.
11:06
[ Sobbing ]
11:10
Good for you.
11:12
You can't give up, Roger.
11:14
Maybe you just need to remind Stan why you guys were once friends.
11:17
That's a great idea, Frannie.
11:19
Tell you what. Bring Stan to the Zoo tomorrow.
11:22
That's where I've been pooing— in the peacock hutch.
11:24
After he spends the day with me, away from Andy...
11:26
he'll remember how good we are together...
11:28
and he'll invite me to move back in.
11:30
I'll go talk to Stan right now. - I'll walk you out.
11:32
Let me run upstairs and change.
11:36
[ Footsteps Running Up Stairs ]
11:38
[ Door Opens, Closes ]
11:40
[ Faucet Turns, Shower Runs ]
11:43
[ Faucet Turns, Shower Stops ]
11:44
[ Roger ] Uh-oh. Storm's a-comin'.
11:47
[ Thunder Rumbling ]
11:55
[ Steve On PA. ] Finally the janitorial staff has a friendly reminder.
11:58
Please do not defecate in the urinals.
12:02
[ Whispering ] Don't forget to announce Debate Team practice.
12:05
[ Whispering ] screw Debate. Go away.
12:06
It's an official school team.
12:08
It's only a school team if I say it's a school team!
12:11
I do the announcements!
12:12
And all those mongoloids and tampon-eaters do what I say!
12:15
[ Door Opens ] - [ Principal Lewis ] Steven!
12:16
For Pete's sake, boy, the microphone is still on!
12:19
[ Gasps ]
12:24
Snot, from now on, you're doing the announcements.
12:27
Yes, sir.
12:28
Brought down by an open microphone.
12:31
We had to do it, Steve. You were out of control.
12:34
Like my cholesterol.
12:36
Geez, Barry, you have a lot of health problems.
12:44
Enjoy that, fancy birds.
12:48
Stan, you're here. - Roger.
12:51
Damn it, Andy. Can I put you down now?
12:53
But I feel so snug, Stan.
12:55
Ooh, this must be how baby kangaroos feel...
12:58
when theyre on heroin.
13:00
[ Slurping ]
13:01
What is he doing here?
13:03
Oh, Stan insisted on bringing him.
13:05
Mostly because every time we leave him alone in the house...
13:08
he has sex with the groceries.
13:10
Uh! That guy is such an annoying, selfish jerk. - [ Child Crying ]
13:13
This is a disaster. - Oh
13:16
Why did Stan have to save my life?
13:18
I just wish things could go back to the way they were...
13:20
when he still owed me that life debt.
13:22
[ Gasps ] That's it.
13:25
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
13:27
[ Grunts ]
13:28
[ Gasping ] - [ Growls ]
13:31
What the hell are you doing?
13:32
Acting like a genius.
13:34
All I have to do is grab that ladder over there...
13:36
lower it down and save Stan.
13:38
He'll owe me a new life debt, and I can move back in.
13:41
[ Growling ]
13:43
[ Grunts, Gasps ]
13:45
[ Roars ]
13:46
Don't worry, Stan! I'll save you!
13:50
No! I'm supposed to save him!
13:53
[ Muffled Grunting ]
13:55
[ Gasp ] - [ Gasp ]
13:56
[ Screaming ]
13:58
[ Screeching ] No!
14:01
[ Both Whimpering ]
14:03
That's my life debt! - You're crazy. You're so crazy.
14:06
[ Stan Screaming ] - [ Both Whimpering ]
14:12
[ Roars ] - [ Shrieks ]
14:17
[ Whimpering ]
14:22
It's all right. I'm okay.
14:24
Ew! - [ Gasps ]
14:26
[ Crowd Gasps ]
14:27
Stan! [ Groans ]
14:29
Don't worry, Stan. I'm gonna take you to the hospital.
14:32
No. I need to save him. - [ Whimpering ]
14:35
[ Roars ] - [ Screams ]
14:41
[ Cell Phone Rings ] - [ Sighs ]
14:43
[ Francine ] Damn it Roger! Take him to a hospital!
14:46
Frannie, we've been over this.
14:47
I can't take Stan to a hospital...
14:49
because then a doctor would save him.
14:51
To restore the life debt, I have to save him.
14:54
This is crazy! - Well, I think you're crazy.
14:56
See? Isn't that hurtful?
14:58
You son of a bitch! I'm gonna rip your fucking throat out!
15:01
Okay. It always ends with you being a potty mouth, so I'm hanging up.
15:05
[ Groans ] Ro-Roger?
15:09
Oh, I had a crazy dream. I was at the zoo, and—
15:13
[ Screaming ]
15:14
Oh, my God!
15:16
Don't worry. I'm saving your life.
15:18
I've got a special salve that'll make your legs grow back.
15:21
We just have to get to my fanny pack in Area 51.
15:23
Area 51?
15:25
Roger, take me to a hospital! I'm bleeding to death!
15:27
Which is exactly why we don't have time to argue.
15:29
We have to get you to Area 51,
15:31
and there's not a moment to spare!
15:33
Foggy Mountain Breakdown' ]
15:38
[ Tires Screech ]
15:40
Anybody have a giant pat of butter?
15:43
[ Laughing ]
15:46
[ Resumes ]
15:49
[ Tires Screech ]
15:52
We made it!
15:54
Now use your C.I.A. credentials...
15:55
to get us past the front gate, and—
15:59
[ Murmuring ]
16:00
Looks like it's up to me.
16:11
Identification, sir.
16:16
Thank you, sir.
16:20
Good-bye, sir.
16:22
[ Clapping ]
16:25
That's a very nice bird, sir.
16:30
Sir, you're clear to enter the base.
16:32
You don't have to keep showing me things you can do.
16:34
[ Engine Revs, Tires Screech, Engine Revs, Tires Screech ]
16:39
[ Alarm Wailing ]
16:42
[ Horn Blaring ]
16:43
[ Wailing Continues ] - [ Blaring Continues ]
16:46
[ Loud Crash ] - [ Third Alarm Wailing, Blaring ]
16:52
Steve, look, about yesterday—
16:55
No, you did the right thing.
16:57
Just be careful doing the announcements, okay?
17:00
The power of the microphone, it-it— it changes you.
17:04
Don't worry, buddy.
17:06
No stupid announcements are gonna change me.
17:09
I do the announcements!
17:11
I am the Second Coming!
17:13
I speak for God now!
17:15
[ Shouting Gibberish ]
17:18
schmuley!
17:19
[ Gasps ]
17:24
Barry, you're doing the announcements now.
17:32
[ Sighs, Inhales ]
17:34
You fucking fuckers are gonna do what I say...
17:37
or I will put my goddamn foot so far up your assholes...
17:40
you will rue the day you crawled out of your mother's twat!
17:44
Barry!
17:44
[ Sobbing ]
17:46
I made a swear.
17:48
All right, that's it! We're not doing daily announcements anymore.
17:52
All of you, just get out of here!
17:57
[ Mutters ] Damn kids.
17:59
[ Sighs ]
18:00
sometimes I think I should've just stayed in Peru moving coke.
18:04
Machado was a cold bastard, but he was good to his men.
18:08
And once you drew blood for him, you were set.
18:11
Hooch, blow, girls.
18:13
[ Chuckles ] Not women, girls.
18:15
[ Inhales Sharply ] Little-bitty things.
18:21
[Brian! On ] P.a. Oh, fuck me!
18:24
[ Groaning ] Roger?
18:26
It's okay, Stan. We're inside Area 51...
18:29
and I think I know exactly where to find my fanny pack.
18:31
Just take me to a hospital.
18:33
Ech! You are a broken record.
18:38
That must be where my fanny pack is.
18:43
[ Gasps ] I knew it.
18:44
Hello, beautiful
18:52
Stay with me, Stan.
18:54
Roger?
18:56
I feel... better.
18:59
A lot better.
19:00
I feel like— Ooh
19:02
Don't worry. They'll grow to full size.
19:03
But it takes a few hours...
19:05
so you're gonna have to do the "baby leg" thing for a little while.
19:07
Roger, you... saved my life.
19:10
And you owe me a life debt again.
19:13
Guess you'll have to kick Andy Dick out and let me move back in.
19:17
[ Gasps ] Scientists!
19:19
Hey, guys. I'm glad you're here.
19:21
We got separated from our tour group.
19:23
I'm safari man Hubert LaGrange...
19:25
and this is my sidekick, Wheelbarrow Tim...
19:27
a.k.a. Baby Legs O'Herlahan.
19:29
No, you're an alien, and that's your picture.
19:32
Damn it! Run, Stan!
19:34
Get him!
19:38
They're gaining on us! - Damn baby legs!
19:46
Can't turn. Have to jump it.
19:48
[ Shouting, Distorted ]
20:01
I think we lost them.
20:03
[ Screams ] - Roger!
20:06
[ Both Groan ]
20:10
Aw, crap! You saved my life.
20:13
Isn't that good? - No!
20:15
That means we're even on life debts again.
20:17
I wanted you to owe me, so—
20:19
[ Sighs ] Never mind.
20:21
I'll look for another room to rent.
20:23
No, Roger, don't.
20:25
Look, I didn't even remember the life debt until Hayley brought it up.
20:30
I just didn't want to admit that I...
20:33
like having you around.
20:35
What about Andy Dick?
20:36
You were doing a lot of cool stuff with him.
20:39
I saw you hold his nose until he spit out that Band-Aid he found on the sidewalk.
20:43
Andy Dick bugs the crap out of me.
20:45
You bug the crap out of me, too, but—
20:47
Well, with you, it's different.
20:50
And I want you to move back in.
20:51
Oh, Staniel! You love me!
20:55
Oh, man, I can't wait to move back home.
20:57
We just have to figure out how to get rid of Andy Dick.
21:01
[ Tires Screech ]
21:02
[ Rattling ] - Go get the pills, boy!
21:03
[ Panting ]
21:05
Punch it! - [ Tires Squeal ]
21:07
Smart— throwin' him those drugs.
21:09
Actually, they were Tic Tacs.
21:10
[ Laughs ] Smarter.
21:20
Um, Stan, Andy Dick's running after us.
21:23
What? I'm going 55.
21:25
He's catching up to us!
21:26
[ Panting ]
21:27
Faster, Stan! He's gonna get us!
21:29
Why didn't you give him real drugs?
21:31
You fool! You've killed us both!
21:33
[ Gun Cocks ] - Oh, no! He's—
21:35
Passing us?
21:38
[ Door Chimes ] - [ Gunshots ]
21:40
Oh, yeah. He's robbing a pharmacy.
21:42
We're okay. We're gonna be okay.
21:46
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
