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I'm never gonna be a man.
S07E13 I Am the Walrus
20:21 – 20:23
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Are you happy, Dad? You win.
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I know. Especially if I keep raising you like we're walruses.
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00:04
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:10
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:13
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:19
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:23
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:28
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:35
So, I was watching this show about spiders on Animal Planet.
00:38
We were watching a show about spiders.
00:40
Doesn't hurt your story to include me.
00:42
If you're gonna set the scene, set it right.
00:44
Do you want to tell the story? - I don't remember what happened.
00:46
Maybe I wasn't there.
00:47
Anyway, there's this one spider...
00:49
that's unlike any other insect.
00:51
The mother actually takes care of her young after they hatch.
00:54
Oh! That is so sweet.
00:57
Then, once the babies are big enough...
00:59
they overpower their mom and eat her.
01:01
[ Gasps ] Arachno-matricide!
01:03
When I turned 15, I ate my dad.
01:06
What is happening at this dinner?
01:08
It's spiraling out of control!
01:10
Every year on my birthday, I take a celebratory nibble off his severed leg.
01:14
I keep it in the freezer.
01:16
That must be what's making the ice cubes all fuzzy.
01:18
Damn it, Roger, your race is the most disgusting—
01:20
Finished!
01:24
What just happened? - Steve finished his dinner.
01:26
But I still have three bites left.
01:28
I always finish first.
01:30
Well, I guess not tonight.
01:33
So these Popsicles are weird.
01:39
It's... finally happening.
01:42
What? - Steve.
01:44
He finished his meal before me.
01:46
He's challenging me for dominance—
01:49
Like when the young upstart lion...
01:50
forces the elderly lion out of the pride...
01:53
and into the wilderness to die alone.
01:55
Oh, you're watching too many nature shows.
01:58
You know what's a good show?
01:59
You shutting up and going to bed.
02:02
This is the beginning of the end.
02:04
He's on the upswing, and I'm on the downswing.
02:07
I've known this day would come.
02:08
I've been dreading it for a long time.
02:11
One last push. - [ Screams ]
02:14
Oh, my God! I just tore from my "V" to my "A"!
02:19
[ Chuckling ] That's normal.
02:20
[ Whispering ] She's ruined.
02:22
[ Screams ]
02:25
-[ Crying ] - It's a boy.
02:29
I Know you're coming for me.
02:32
You're being silly.
02:34
So he finished his meal first.
02:36
He's growing up. It's a good thing.
02:39
Well, this old lion isn't going down without a fight.
02:42
Hey, I'm looking at myself in the mirror.
02:45
It's not ruined.
02:47
I mean, it's not good, but it's not ruined.
02:52
Yay! Dr. House is skateboarding.
02:56
Hey, I was eating that.
02:58
Hey, I was watching that.
03:00
Hey, I was sitting there. - Pipe down, boy.
03:03
Because that's what you are, a boy.
03:04
And I'm the king of this jungle.
03:06
[ Murmuring ]
03:10
That's odd, what you're doing.
03:12
Get used to it. - What are you doing?
03:15
That is not how we treat little boys in this house.
03:19
Hey, you're opening the wrong end.
03:21
Uh, it doesn't matter what end you open.
03:23
see? Now you broke it.
03:26
You can't break something before you put it together, Dumbo.
03:29
Don't call me my favorite movie.
03:31
[ Groans ] Babe, look at us.
03:33
We're fighting all the time, like well-managed boxers.
03:37
Maybe we need help. Maybe we need to talk to someone.
03:40
You mean like a marriage counselor?
03:42
No way! We've been married for, like, five minutes.
03:45
They say the honeymoon phase is the hardest part.
03:47
[ Groans ] No one says that.
03:49
You're driving me insane. Could you just leave the room, please?
03:52
Do you want to have sex first?
03:54
[ Groans ] Whatever.
04:01
Mm-hmm. Just as I expected.
04:03
Dad just pushed me off the couch and took my food.
04:06
I think he was acting like a lion.
04:08
Oh, your father has a crazy idea in his head.
04:12
He's just— Well, he's intimidated by you.
04:15
Dad? Intimidated by me?
04:17
You finished your food first last night...
04:20
and now he's scared you're coming into your prime...
04:22
and going to dethrone him.
04:24
What? That's ridiculous! I'm no threat to him.
04:28
We'll talk and straighten this whole mess out.
04:38
Mm-hmm. That's what I thought.
04:42
[ Sniffs ] It smells like pee.
04:45
This is my area.
04:46
Look, Dad— - [ Growling ]
04:49
Mom said you were worried I'm gonna dethrone you.
04:51
And, well, I just want you to know—
04:54
[ Low Voice ] you should be.
04:57
I'm comin' for you.
04:59
Now I know— You're afraid of me.
05:02
[ Chuckles ] You've always been afraid of me.
05:05
[ Stammering ] That's not true. - Quiet!
05:07
Every day, you get weaker and I get stronger...
05:11
so enjoy that popcorn and remote while you can!
05:13
Because soon I'll be sitting where you are...
05:16
and you'll be looking for a spot under the porch...
05:18
where you can curl up and die.
05:21
Nuh-uh! I'm the king of—
05:23
You're the king of nothing!
05:25
[ Whispering ] Nothing.
05:27
[ Brushing Teeth ]
05:30
[ Spits ] Done! - [ Groans ]
05:32
[ Both ]...for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory.
05:34
Done! - [ Groans ]
05:37
[ Grunting ] - [ Splat ]
05:39
Done! - [ Whistling ]
05:40
Oh, hey, don't mind me.
05:42
I finished 10 minutes ago.
05:43
I'm just looking for the plunger. [ Chuckles ]
05:45
Mine's so big, it won't go down.
05:47
Oh. Was there a rabbit in here?
05:49
[ Whistling ]
05:54
My... reign is over.
05:57
My son bested me in everything that's dear to me.
06:01
Ja, I heard about the bunny poops.
06:03
i'm— I'm done.
06:06
He's replaced me as head of the house.
06:08
Why don't you do what the animals do on your TV shows?
06:11
When an older male is threatened...
06:13
he responds by reasserting his dominance.
06:16
[ Male Announcer ] The bull walrus will ward off all challengers...
06:18
with an extreme display of power.
06:21
Only the strongest walrus Will be able to mate.
06:23
That's it! Klaus, you're a genius.
06:26
Genius? No. You know who's a genius? Jack Worcestershire.
06:30
Had a terrible name, created a terrible sauce, made a fortune.
06:33
Yep, Snotters, I got my old man on the ropes.
06:37
I'm the man of the house now, and he knows it.
06:39
I should probably learn to make chili that's not very good...
06:42
that I call my famous chili. - [ Knocking. ]
06:47
Ooh! Comic.
07:00
[ Francine ] Ooh
07:01
sounds like Mommy found a comic.
07:04
[ Francine Moaning, Grunting ]
07:11
Oh, no. It's Steve.
07:14
Oh, my God! Steve, don't look.
07:16
Yeah, Steve, don't look. Look
07:18
Mommy and Daddy are just dancing.
07:20
Yeah, we're dancing. Were not dancing.
07:22
[ Bedsprings Squeaking ]
07:28
[ Whimpering ] - [ Knocking ]
07:32
Hey, champ. I, uh, wanted to talk to you.
07:35
You know, about what you just saw.
07:37
Because things aren't always what they appear.
07:39
Sometimes, when someone is choking...
07:41
you have to get behind them and give them a Heimlich.
07:44
This was not that.
07:46
I was not helping your mother with a leg cramp.
07:48
I was not giving her a lying-down hug.
07:50
I was not helping her look for her contact.
07:52
I was plowing, Steve. - [ Weak Voice ] Oh, my goodness.
07:54
see, in the animal kingdom, he who mates is King...
07:57
and you are many, many years from finding a mate of your own.
08:01
This is nature, bitch! We're gettin' primal in this house.
08:04
[ Imitates Walrus ]
08:12
This is where we're having marriage counseling?
08:14
In a community center pottery class?
08:15
Public-assisted counseling is all we can afford, babe.
08:18
Whoa! Someone actually showed up.
08:20
Principal Lewis. You're a psychologist? - Oh, no.
08:24
I just do this to pick up some extra cash to feed my watch fetish.
08:26
Look at this bad boy, huh?
08:29
Mickey Mouse in an S.S. uniform.
08:31
Only 10 were made in the whole world.
08:34
I own five of them.
08:35
Now if only I could tell time.
08:38
I'm outta here. - No, babe. This is important.
08:41
Looks like you two aren't seeing eye to eye.
08:44
I can help with that.
08:45
[ Door Opens, Closes ]
08:47
Oop. Looks like the pottery class is coming in.
08:49
Uh, perhaps we should relocate...
08:52
as I am not legally permitted to be within 100 feet of the instructor...
08:56
or more specifically, her sugary-sweet ass.
09:00
[ Moaning ] Oh, baby.
09:07
Steve, sit next to me.
09:09
I can't sit up there. My dad marked it.
09:12
I'm not allowed to sit anywhere he's peed.
09:14
Oh, we can pee where we sit now? Great!
09:16
I don't know what to do about my dad, Roger.
09:18
I was finally coming into my own.
09:20
I got a taste of first class and now I'm back in coach...
09:23
squished between two fat ladies from Toronto.
09:26
Ugh! Blue Jay fans are the worst.
09:28
I don't know. You ever been to a Detroit Tigers game?
09:30
Those fans are drunken slobs.
09:32
At least there's some diversity.
09:34
You ever see a black man at a Red Sox game...
09:36
who's not playing first base or singing the National Anthem?
09:38
So true. So true. - You know what we should do?
09:41
We should take a train into D.C. and see the Nationals play.
09:44
We totally should. Maybe a day game!
09:46
Yes! Will you look into getting tickets?
09:48
Are we serious about this, or are we just talking about it?
09:50
Pull the trigger, man. Pull the trigger. Let's do it.
09:52
Oh, I'm so excited! I'm gonna go do it right now.
09:58
That kid's a good egg.
09:59
I can't believe we're going to see the Nationals play.
10:02
We said it, and we're doin' it.
10:04
[ PA.. Organ ] - ♪ Take me out to the ball game
10:07
[ All ] # Buy me some peanuts and Crackerjacks
10:10
I don't care if I-- - Wait!
10:13
What are we doing? I wanna talk about my dad.
10:15
I don't even like baseball.
10:17
Me neither. I thought you wanted to go.
10:19
I hate that game. So slow.
10:21
Not like go-karts. I love go-karts.
10:23
How great are go-karts? - So great.
10:26
You know what we should do? We should call a cab, take it out to the slick track.
10:29
Totally! And we'll just open it up and see how fast we can—
10:32
What? No, Roger!
10:34
I'm in a crisis with my father.
10:36
Right. Well, it seems to me the only way you can regain the upper hand...
10:40
is to assert your dominance.
10:42
Luckily, I Know an easy way to make that happen.
10:44
I've been trying to think of a way all day.
10:46
surely, it can't be that easy.
10:48
As a matter of fact, it is.
10:49
And please stop calling me Shirley. [ Laughs ]
10:52
How great is the movie Airplane?
10:54
[ Chuckles ] So great.
10:56
[ Both laughing ]
10:58
The pilot has an unnatural interest in that little boy.
11:02
It didn't seem unnatural to me.
11:04
[ Laughing ]
11:09
All right. Welcome to my home.
11:12
As you can see, it is a shithole.
11:14
But it's a good arena for bonding exercises...
11:16
and a constant reminder of what happens...
11:18
if you try to strike some sense into your lady.
11:20
Youre a marriage counselor?
11:22
Step one on your path to a happier union:
11:25
You have 45 minutes to clean this room...
11:27
but you can't talk to each other.
11:30
Not one word. Trust me on this.
11:32
Let's go, Jeff. This isn't real. - [ Hammer Cocks ]
11:34
It just got real, bitch. Now clean my house!
11:39
[ Roger, Steve Laughing ]
11:43
This is even better than the first Airplane.
11:45
[ Laughing ] Sonny Bono is buying a bomb at the gift shop.
11:49
Hilar-- Roger! We did it again. - Oh, right, right.
11:53
We were talking about asserting your dominance over your dad.
11:56
What is it with us? We're a couple of forget-me Marys.
11:59
Yeah, we're a couple of distracted Susans.
12:03
"Forget-me Marys" wasn't good enough for you?
12:05
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were doing like a back-and-forth.
12:08
No. We weren't.
12:10
I said we were forget-me Marys, and that's what we are.
12:17
Okay! You've beaten your dad in every arena except one: sex.
12:22
The dominant male proves himself by mating, so the solution is simple.
12:26
You need to bang. Bang, bang, bang!
12:28
But I don't know any girls.
12:30
Well, luckily, I've got just the ladies' man persona...
12:33
who can help you get your penis in a woman...
12:36
if you catch my drift.
12:40
I'm Ace Chapman, star forward for—
12:42
Wait. Does it have to be consensual sex? - Yes.
12:45
[ Laughs ] Okay. Well, then you definitely don't want Ace.
12:48
[ Laughs ] Oh, uh, don't take those.
12:50
You will be conscious but paralyzed for 12 hours.
12:54
Bing Cooper— sexually active high school senior.
12:57
I've pulled more tail than a slow kid at a petting Zoo.
13:00
You'll be on top again, my friend...
13:02
because I'm gonna get you laid.
13:04
Oh, yeah. I can finally put some of my dance moves into action.
13:08
[Man] - If youre horny, let's do it
13:13
Ride it, my pony
13:15
My saddles waiting
13:19
Come and jump on it
13:22
if youre horny, let's do it
13:26
Ride it, my pony
13:29
My saddles waiting
13:33
Come and jump on it
13:36
Sitting here flossing
13:40
Peeping your steelo ♪
13:43
Just once if I had the chance
13:46
The things I would do to you
13:50
You and your body
13:53
Every single portion
13:56
send chills up and down your spine
14:00
Juices flowing down your thigh
14:08
All right, our goal tonight is simple.
14:10
Not trying to win any prizes. We're not trying to find you a girlfriend.
14:13
We just have to get you some sex.
14:15
Now, I know what you're thinking. Why don't we just go to a whorehouse?
14:18
[ Groans ] - Get that thought out of your head!
14:20
You don't pay for it in the jungle.
14:22
If you wanna be the head of the animal kingdom...
14:23
you gotta hunt it and take it down yourself.
14:26
[ Roars ]
14:28
Oh, dear. Don't ever do that again.
14:30
Here's a condom. Don't use it.
14:31
Do what I do. Pretend to put it on, then hide it in your poop cannon.
14:34
Let's boogie!
14:38
Hey, where you goin'? I was gonna put the shoes to your mom again later.
14:41
Wanna make sure you're around to catch the show. - Come on, Roger.
14:44
I'm gonna grab a snack from the kitchen, and then we'll get outta here.
14:46
No. I'm done feeding on this sandwich.
14:49
You can eat my leftovers.
14:51
The lesser males get the scraps.
14:53
Come on, Steve. Don't dignify that with a response.
14:57
[ Door Opens ]
15:02
[ Chomping ]
15:13
Principal Lewis, we've cleaned your whole house.
15:16
Can we go now? - [ Laughs ] Hell, no.
15:19
You haven't even started on the backyard.
15:23
We're gonna die here. - I can't do this anymore.
15:26
I'm just gonna take this. - What's that?
15:28
It paralyzes you.
15:30
If I can't move, I can't work.
15:32
I got it from Ace Chapman—
15:34
that basketball guy who sometimes lives with us.
15:36
Why don't we just give it to Principal Lewis?
15:40
[ Chuckles ] Oh, good idea, babe.
15:41
But how are we gonna get him to take it? - I'll step on his foot.
15:44
When he opens his mouth to scream, you toss the drugs.
15:46
What's that? Drugs? I'll take it.
15:48
I don't care what it does.
15:53
You crazy-ass son of a bitch.
15:56
Now you only have four.
16:00
Can you plug in the air-freshener plug-in?
16:02
It stink down here.
16:05
[ Chattering, Laughing ] - »* [ Stereo. Dance ]
16:07
Here we are— Suburban teenage house party.
16:11
Booze and hormones are a-flowin'.
16:13
Anyone can get laid here, even you.
16:15
Just watch old Bing Cooper for a while.
16:18
Learn from the master.
16:20
You're my Obi-Wan.
16:21
I'm gonna give you two seconds. Leave that shit right out here on the lawn.
16:27
[ All ] Hey! - What's up, fools?
16:29
Wildcats take State!
16:31
[ Cheering ]
16:32
[ Giggles ] - How does everyone know you?
16:34
What do you mean? I throw parties here all the time...
16:37
when my parents go out of town.
16:39
My parents are super into me.
16:41
Who are— You grew up here?
16:44
Well, we lived in Wisconsin till I was five, then my dad got transferred.
16:47
He worked for Toyota. That's how I learned to speak Japanese.
16:50
Ching chong, Melissa. Hey, Beth.
16:52
[ Together ] Hey, Bing.
16:57
Here we are, the epicenter of drunk girls— the kitchen.
17:01
They wanna be close to the booze at all times. - [ Girl Retching ]
17:05
I don't know if I can do this, Roger.
17:06
Hey, do you want to be the alpha male of the house or not?
17:09
Okay. Okay. But-But how do I approach them? What do I say?
17:13
Just say the three sweet words they long to hear:
17:17
"Jell-O shot, bitch?"
17:21
[ Chattering ] - Jell-O shot...
17:25
bitch? - [ Squealing ]
17:27
Make it happen, Steve.
17:29
Bing, I just saw an acceptance letter from UCLA on your fridge.
17:32
Wh-what's going on?
17:34
I thought we were going to Arizona State together.
17:37
[ Groans ] This isn't how I wanted you to find out.
17:40
I wanted you to find out by me not showing up at Arizona State.
17:45
What are you doing?
17:47
I'm so confident Steve's not a threat to my position as alpha male...
17:50
I've taken up knitting.
17:52
Here. I made you a sweater.
17:54
I knitted it with nursing flaps.
17:57
Oh, I'm a boy, but— Okay.
18:00
It's still a lovely gesture.
18:02
Now I have something for you.
18:04
Roger has taken Steve to a party for intercourse so he can usurp you.
18:08
Here's the flyer.
18:12
[ Gasps ] - [ Door Opens ]
18:14
[ Door Slams ]
18:15
Drink, Charlie.
18:22
[ Squeals ] - Don't worry.
18:24
I'm just here to talk.
18:26
Pop the one in the chamber. - Streetwise.
18:29
I like that. I'm here to get my watch back.
18:32
We earned that watch.
18:34
You kidnapped us and forced us into slave labor.
18:37
Did I? Or did I solve your marital strife as promised...
18:40
by providing you with a common enemy?
18:46
Welcome back, Mouseschwitz.
18:49
Hey, could I get another one of those Stephen Hawking pills...
18:51
where my mind's working but my body ain't?
18:53
Maybe I'll write a book while I'm out.
18:55
Call it A Brief History of Fine.
18:58
Be about Diana Ross. [ Chuckles ]
19:01
Here. Take the whole bottle.
19:03
Great! See you all in 12 hours.
19:08
Fire up the cloud car, Lando.
19:11
I'm comin' to visit.
19:13
[ Tires Screech ]
19:16
So then I said, "Bing never gets his hair wet."
19:19
[ All Laughing ]
19:20
[ Door Slams ] - Where is he? I've gotta stop him!
19:23
You're wasting your time. - [ Gasps ]
19:25
I'm too late. He already did it.
19:27
Already did— Oh, my God, no. Look at him.
19:30
Oh, that's beautiful.
19:32
I was thinking of getting "Yub Yub E" tattooed on my chest.
19:36
Yeah, that's Ewok for Steve.
19:37
But I hate taking my shirt off.
19:39
Plus, the pain would make me cry...
19:41
and once I start crying I can't stop for at least an hour.
19:44
[ Squeals ]
19:45
[ Sobbing ]
19:47
Oh, here I go. [ Sobbing ]
19:51
Well done, Stan.
19:53
There's no threat of your son challenging you...
19:54
and there's no threat of his son challenging him.
19:57
With the way you raised him, he'll never have kids.
20:00
[ Sobbing Continues ]
20:05
You were so obsessed with keeping him down...
20:07
that he's never gonna get up.
20:09
Speaking of not getting things up, Lucy, you really let yourself go.
20:13
Gross. - Oh, my God. What have I done?
20:19
Are you happy, Dad? You win.
20:21
I'm never gonna be a man.
20:23
I know. Especially if I keep raising you like we're walruses.
20:27
Your mother was right.
20:29
You're growing up, and I shouldn't try to stop you.
20:32
My job as a father is to give you the skills and the confidence...
20:35
to send you out into the real world.
20:37
Judging by tonight, I clearly haven't done that.
20:41
But that changes now.
20:42
You're gonna get me laid? - No, no. You're too young for sex.
20:45
Let's start with the basics.
20:47
I'm gonna teach you how to shave.
20:52
Lookin' good, Steve.
20:54
I'm still gonna finish before you though. - No, you're not.
20:56
Yes, I am. I'm almost— - Done!
20:58
Good job, Son.
21:00
Very impressive.
21:02
Smooth. And no nicks.
21:04
You're a natural. - Thanks, Dad.
21:06
It's much better to practice on a man's back rather than your own face.
21:10
Good thing we found your school's principal...
21:11
passed out in your sister's room.
21:13
What do we do with him now?
21:16
Hey, I know that look. I'll take it from here.
21:55
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
