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I pooped in my drawer for six months.
S07E14 School Lies
00:41 – 00:43
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:34
Listen, rookie, you're new, so you'll be intimidated at first.
00:37
[ Chuckles ] When I started...
00:39
I was afraid to ask where the bathroom was.
00:41
I pooped in my drawer for six months.
00:43
Started planting things in it.
00:45
My tomatoes did really well.
00:48
The only way to get ahead is to work hard.
00:51
Just keep your nose to the grindstone— Oh, my God!
00:54
It's Senator Buckingham!
00:56
Stop pointing!
00:58
He's the senator who assigns...
00:59
all the prestigious C.I.A. task force positions.
01:02
Quick, look like you're working hard. [ Groans ]
01:06
Don't stand there looking stupid.
01:08
Start stacking the wood.
01:09
Webber, you son of a gun.
01:11
Still playing your short irons in the front of your stance?
01:14
It works for me.
01:15
I made a tricky up-and-down past the trap on nine last week.
01:18
They got you setting up shop here?
01:20
No, no.
01:21
I'm taking you up to eight.
01:23
Got a primo task force position for you.
01:25
Gee, sir, that would be great!
01:31
See how busy I look?
01:33
I don't fudging believe it!
01:36
senator Buckingham just took Webber to the eighth floor.
01:38
Why did the senator just promote the new guy?
01:41
Stan, they're golf buddies.
01:43
Golf? But I've been here 20 years.
01:45
I focus totally on the work. i've never made waves.
01:48
That's exactly right.
01:49
You haven't made waves.
01:51
But people like waves.
01:53
Waves are fun.
01:54
Remember in Fast times...
01:56
how Spicoli is always after tasty waves?
01:59
I've never seen that movie.
02:00
Well, no wonder you don't understand the business world.
02:03
[ Speaks Japanese ]
02:05
"There's no birthday party for me in here."
02:09
[ Laughs ]
02:11
She's seen Fast times.
02:14
It's like this, Stan.
02:16
You can either play the career game...
02:18
or you can concentrate on family.
02:20
I'm not saying career is better than family.
02:23
It's just a choice.
02:26
Career's better.
02:28
This is all the towel I need.
02:31
[ Instruments Crackling ]
02:35
Hey-dee, hi-dee. What's up? Not much.
02:37
Just doing some work on the school— some improvements.
02:39
Gosh, in those weird suits?
02:41
Is it dangerous?
02:43
Legally, I have to say yes...
02:45
but personally, I don't think it's a problem.
02:47
How could asbestos hurt you? It's got "best" right in it.
02:50
I got a tear in my suit! I've been exposed!
02:53
Don't touch me! No reason we've both gotta die!
02:56
Steve, get in the car. - Okay, Mommy.
02:59
So— Oh, God! - [I Tires Screech ]
03:04
I work and I work, and I get nowhere.
03:07
My only option is to take 20 grand over to the golf club and join up.
03:10
You can't take up golf! We need that money to send Steve to private school.
03:15
We can't leave him where he is. It's full of poisons!
03:18
Can you guys keep it down? I'm studying for my nursing exam.
03:21
Bertram, I have some bad news.
03:23
The test results came back, and...
03:26
looks like you're dying of cuteness.
03:28
[ Mutters, Laughs ]
03:29
Look, I'm sorry, but I can't afford...
03:31
to once again fall into the trap of choosing family over career.
03:34
I don't think it's a trap.
03:35
No? Try sitting in a cubicle for 20 years.
03:38
Did you know that the average cubicle is half the size of a prison cell?
03:42
But you get to leave. - And come home.
03:44
You— You walked right into that one, babe.
03:47
Well, I already signed us up to tour the private school.
03:50
Fine. But I'm not gonna try to impress anyone.
03:52
No jokes, no charm...
03:54
and I'm gonna wear the P.J. bottoms where my pud always falls out.
04:00
Look at that designer backpack.
04:02
And check out that $200 haircut. What a waste.
04:06
That money could cover a whole Iraqi family in white phosphorous.
04:09
And this kid in his fancy electric scooter. Too spoiled to walk.
04:12
[ Electronic Voice ] Good afternoon.
04:14
[ Scoffs ] I] Jerk's got a stereo attached to his scooter.
04:18
When I was young, I had to carry mine on my shoulder.
04:20
There is no way we're sending Steve here...
04:22
to hobnob with Jimmy Boom Box and his silver spoon pals.
04:32
[ Gasps ]
04:36
Yeah, Steve should go here.
04:38
But you just said— - I changed my mind! It's called a 180, Francine.
04:42
[ Caws ]
04:44
[ Gasps ] It's a crow! Francine, get the camera!
04:52
Why do I have to wear this stupid uniform and go to a new school?
04:55
You just have to go here until I can get in good with the senator and get that promotion.
05:02
[ Chattering ]
05:12
[ Groans ]
05:16
Hey, you seen a limo with diplomatic plates?
05:20
Have you ever seen a magic trick so amazing it'll blow your mind?
05:22
[ Snaps ]
05:24
Yeo-hoe!
05:33
Beat it, you dingus.
05:38
Senator! It's Stan Smith from the C.I.A. My son goes here.
05:42
I don't recognize the face.
05:44
Well, that's because you haven't seen me putt my driver and make holes.
05:47
Sorry? - Yeah, just golf talk.
05:49
Or a golf joke, if it doesn't seem right.
05:51
[ Laughs ] That's good stuff.
05:53
Hey, how about me and you play some golf tomorrow?
05:56
Hmm. I gotta be at work.
05:58
Hey, you know where all the real work gets done, don't you?
06:01
[ Laughs ] Oh, yeah. Do I ever.
06:03
[ Laughs ] Okay. See you tomorrow.
06:07
[ Both Laugh ]
06:08
[ Laughing Flatly ]
06:11
He means the work gets done on the golf course.
06:13
Shut up, dingus!
06:16
Dingus, dingus.
06:18
Thank you.
06:25
I think that's enough, Stan.
06:27
Oh, excuse me, Mr. Grindstone.
06:29
This report is due tomorrow, okay?
06:32
Tomorrow? Oh, that reminds me.
06:34
Tomorrow I'm playing golf with Senator Buckingham.
06:37
At his golf club.
06:39
The same one Brooke Hogan belongs to.
06:42
Her father is Paul Hogan, professional golfer.
06:47
Brother of Hulk Hogan.
06:49
[ Laughs ] I don't think any of that's right.
06:51
[ Phone Rings ] - Yello?
06:53
Hey, baby.
06:54
He wasn't in school? No, don't.
06:57
I'll set him straight— straighter than Chuck Norris.
07:01
Because he's so obviously hetero.
07:03
Well, maybe it'd be funnier if you were looking at his face like I am.
07:13
Hi, Mom.
07:14
I'm not supposed to talk to you.
07:15
Oh? Why is that?
07:17
Because your dad is gonna talk to you when he gets home.
07:19
Oh? Why is that?
07:21
School called. - [ Gasps ]
07:23
You! - [ Screams ]
07:27
Oh! - [ Lamp Shatters ]
07:28
[ Groaning ]
07:31
[ Groaning Continues ]
07:33
[ Yelps ]
07:35
[ Groans ]
07:37
[ Groaning Continues ]
07:40
[ Grunts ]
07:42
[ Groaning ]
07:44
[I Laughs ] - Stan!
07:47
I know. I'll talk to him. It's— [ Chuckles ]
07:49
It's just— It's just he's so bad at moving his body.
07:55
Steve, your mom and I are paying a lot of money for you to go to this school.
07:58
More like so you can go.
08:00
All you care about is taking me there so you can be friends with that senator.
08:03
Friends? Did he use that word?
08:05
God, you're embarrassing.
08:07
But you're gonna be way more embarrassed if you make me go back there.
08:09
I'll act like a wolf man.
08:11
[ Scoffs ] No, you won't.
08:13
I'm a wolf man! My dad is Stan Smith.
08:16
[ Laughs ] Don't put him on any task forces!
08:18
You wouldn't do that! - And I'd pant real fast.
08:21
[ Panting ]
08:22
Wear makeup under the eyes. [ Growling ]
08:25
Is that what you want, Dad? You know I got the pipes!
08:28
[ Howls ]
08:31
[ Gasps ] - Die, demon of the night!
08:34
I was joking! - He was joking!
08:35
What? Don't joke about that!
08:37
I won't! - We won't!
08:40
I do a serious job. I don't need this.
08:43
We really appreciate everything you do.
08:48
Here we are. Stuffington Academy.
08:51
I'm glad we were able to come to an agreement on this.
08:53
Have a good day at school, Son.
08:55
I'm already having a good day 'cause you called me "Son."
08:58
Now give me a kiss.
09:00
Kiss me on the lips, Dad.
09:02
I want that kind of relationship with you.
09:07
You thought about it. I saw it.
09:15
I'm so excited to go to school here, Dad.
09:18
Hey, hey, should I come out of the closet and then make a big stink...
09:21
when they won't let me take my 50-year-old boyfriend to the prom?
09:23
No! You have to behave yourself.
09:27
All right, there's the senator.
09:28
Now get in good with his daughter, and it'll help me a lot.
09:31
Gotcha. Sex the daughter.
09:32
I'm serious, Roger. I have a lot riding on this. Just be normal.
09:36
Senator Buckingham! I want you to meet my son, Steve.
09:40
Your Eminence. This must be your beautiful young wife.
09:43
[ Laughs ] That's my daughter, Cookie.
09:45
Don't be late for class, you two.
09:47
So, Cookie, do you like ponies?
09:49
Your boy's quite the little gentleman. - Thank you, sir.
09:52
Say, are we gonna play a round this afternoon?
09:55
Totally. I'd love to play around.
09:56
We could see a movie and try the new Mexican place at the food court.
09:59
I mean a round of golf.
10:01
A round of golf.
10:03
Like a set of tennis or a game of checkers.
10:07
Ah. [ Chuckles ] Words.
10:13
We pulled it off - [I Yelps ]
10:14
Ow. - Sorry. Forgot you were back there.
10:16
Why? Oh, wow. Oh, geez, my eye.
10:19
I gotta go to school like this. - I'm not taking you to school.
10:22
Your mom thinks you're at Stuffington...
10:24
and we can't be getting two report cards in the mail.
10:26
But what about my education?
10:28
Steve, you know how we love the musical Annie?
10:30
I love Annie/ - Yeah, notch it down. I know.
10:33
Well, you're gonna be street smart like her. Have a hard-knock life.
10:35
Get out.
10:39
So, can I just hang out at the arcade every day?
10:41
Yeah, whatever. All you have to do is walk out the door with me...
10:44
every morning so your mom thinks you're going to Stuffington.
10:48
[ Gasps ] Sandy!
10:51
His name is Ronald! You trying to rename my dog?
10:53
This guy's trying to rename my dog!
10:56
[ Video Games. Beeping, Gunshots ]
10:58
[ Gunshots Continue ]
11:00
[ Grunting ]
11:02
[ Grunting Continues ]
11:05
Okay, okay, that's enough.
11:07
[ Grunting Stops ]
11:08
Consuela, now you're a member of the Chicas Freakas.
11:11
[ All Trilling, Cheering ]
11:17
[ Gunshots Continue ]
11:21
You know how to handle a gun.
11:23
As long as that's not sexual innuendo, then you're right.
11:26
[ Grunts ]
11:27
You're more girl than boy. You want to be part of our gang?
11:30
Might as well. It's pretty boring when everyone's at school anyway.
11:34
Want to play table hockey? - After you join.
11:37
Kick her ass!
11:39
[ Shrieking, Grunting ]
11:41
[ Shrieks, Grunts ]
11:42
[ Shrieks, Grunts ]
11:44
[ Shrieks, Grunts ]
11:49
Beautiful shot. - Thank you.
11:56
[ Gasps ] Look! Your favorite celebrity!
11:59
Smack!
12:01
Nicely played.
12:12
Senator, we've known each other for nearly two days now. Can I ask you a favor?
12:16
Sure. Come by tonight for dinner, and we can talk.
12:19
But let me warn you. I have a rule about favors. I give everybody just one.
12:24
I have a similar rule about bubble gum.
12:29
[ Buzzing ]
12:34
[ Buzzing ]
12:35
[ Screaming ]
12:39
[ Nervous Laughter ]
12:40
Beautiful.
12:42
[ Groans ] I feel beautiful.
12:48
I did it! I made waves!
12:51
I'm like this with the senator now.
12:53
He's having me for dinner tonight, and I'm gonna ask him...
12:55
to put me on the inter-agency task force as a favor. - Ooh, what's that?
12:58
It's basically this thing that will change everything in my life.
13:02
Everything in my life will be better if I get it...
13:04
and I'll be really disappointed if I don't.
13:06
Francine, I played—
13:08
My God. Did you get in a fight at school?
13:11
No. Look, you know, I'm gonna be a straight shooter with you now.
13:14
I think I screwed the pooch on this one. - What?
13:16
You know how you said try to be friends with the senator's daughter?
13:19
Yeah. - Well, it began like that...
13:22
and then middle-middle-middle, and then I sold her to a drug dealer, the end.
13:25
You what?
13:27
Are you seriously mad at me, Stan?
13:28
You're the one who's always telling me to go with my instincts.
13:31
I thought you'd be proud of me.
13:32
Ah, there's a blue jay out there.
13:34
I don't want to see the blue jay. - It's so blue.
13:36
You're not gonna want to miss this. - No.
13:40
Fine. - Oh, it's gone.
13:42
Why would you sell the girl?
13:44
[ Shouts ] Why would you not look at the blue jay earlier?
13:51
You sold the senator's daughter? How did this happen?
13:54
Ugh. I've told this story so many times today.
13:57
You should just ask my hairdresser. - Roger!
13:59
Okay, okay.
14:00
So I was trying to be her best friend, like you wanted.
14:04
So, Cookie, do you like ponies?
14:06
Uh, no. I'm almost 16.
14:09
Oh. So what do you like?
14:11
Cocaine and stuff.
14:15
[ Inhales ]
14:16
[ Snorts ]
14:18
[ Exhales ]
14:21
Oh, Patrick.
14:23
[ Kicks Landing ] - [ Man ] Wake up, bitch!
14:25
[ Man #2 ] Get your ass up!
14:27
Wake up!
14:28
Ow! I'm awake! What do you want?
14:30
I want the money you owe me.
14:31
I don't have any more money.
14:33
Take this fool outside and shoot him in the head.
14:35
I don't want to go outside!
14:37
Hey, it's beautiful out. You've been inside all day.
14:40
Now you are gonna go out there, get some fresh air...
14:43
and get shot in the head.
14:45
Wait. How much do I owe? - 300 bucks.
14:47
I'll sell you the girl for $300.
14:49
Plus a dollar 35 for the bus.
14:51
Oh, and the name of a plumber I can trust at my house when I go to work.
14:54
I'm asking everybody.
14:56
J.K.M. Plumbing's coming on Tuesday.
14:59
So we can put the wooden spoon back in the kitchen.
15:01
No more having to chop up our dumps.
15:03
God, Roger, how could you sell her?
15:05
Stan, you're focusing on the wrong thing.
15:07
The wooden spoon's for pasta again. - [ Groans ]
15:10
[ Rings, Beeps ] - Hello?
15:12
stan, my daughter didn't come home from school.
15:15
Now, last time I talked to her, she was with Steve.
15:17
Yes, yes. Uh, they're right here.
15:19
They are here playing safely in the safeness of my house.
15:22
[ Laughs ] No, we're not!
15:26
Anyway, sir, she's here and she's safe.
15:28
Oh, good I was worried
15:30
Now just bring Cookie home when you come over for dinner.
15:33
[ Beeps ] - Take it easy, Stan. Let's just—
15:35
Let's just lower our guns.
15:38
Pow! Second gun! [ Laughs ]
15:41
[ Muffled Shouting ]
15:45
Hmm. None of this looks familiar.
15:46
You dumb-ass! Where did you leave her?
15:48
I don't know. I was pretty messed up, Stan.
15:50
Maybe I'm too sober to remember.
15:52
Maybe if I was messed up now?
15:54
Forget it. - Fine. Just thought you wanted to find her.
15:58
[ Inhales, Snorts ]
16:01
[ Exhales ]
16:03
Fourteen blocks straight ahead...
16:05
then you're gonna take a right on Euclid.
16:07
Wow, Roger. You're really focused.
16:08
Yeah, I thought it would help.
16:11
[ Screams ]
16:14
It'll be the fourth building on your left...
16:16
just past the recycling plant.
16:20
Why are you stopping? - It's a red light.
16:22
I didn't stop for red lights.
16:26
ale' [ Stereo, Hip-hop ]
16:36
[ Sirens Wailing ] - [ Helicopter Overhead ] I]
16:38
[ Knocking ]
16:40
Hey. Hi. I'm just here to pick up Cookie.
16:43
What? - The, uh—[ Clears Throat ]
16:45
The, uh, girl there on the couch.
16:48
Which one?
16:50
Uh- Well, the, um—
16:53
Uh, how-how do I say this?
16:55
Uh, the one with the straightest hair.
16:58
She's, uh, the one on the end there.
17:01
I mean, uh, if you were handing out sunscreen, you'd give it to her first.
17:05
The white bitch?
17:07
Ah, yes. Thank you. Yes, yes, the-the white bitch.
17:09
What's he want? - He's here for the white girl.
17:11
She's mine.
17:13
Everything in this room is mine. Got it?
17:15
The girl, the coffeemaker, the— Whoa!
17:17
Whose is that?
17:19
Oh, that's Carl's. - Too scary, Carl. Get it outta here.
17:23
No. You know what? Give it to this fool. He's on his way out.
17:31
[ Guns Cocking ] - [ Gun Cocks ]
17:33
Ah. I see. I'll be on my way.
17:40
[ Sniffs ] Is this coffee fresh? Who made this?
17:43
Yo, what time was the coffee made?
17:49
[ Tires Squeal ]
17:53
We're going straight to the senator's for dinner.
17:55
How do we sober her up? - [ Laughs ] We don't.
17:58
She's-- She is strung out. But she's a heavy user with a massive tolerance...
18:01
so she might pull it together.
18:03
she also might die. Either way, I'm eating dessert.
18:06
I've been very good this week.
18:10
It was great getting you on the course today, Stan.
18:12
Have you thought about your favor?
18:14
A favor? I did some favors today.
18:19
[ Nervous Laugh ] Oh, she sure did.
18:21
Shaking up medicine at the old folks' home. We all did it.
18:25
Good idea, Cookie. Let's dig in.
18:27
[ Chomping ]
18:30
[ Whispers ] Come on.
18:32
Bravo, Cookie. Another face-plant.
18:35
Lessie, bring in the Pulp Fiction kit!
18:38
You— You know about her drug problem?
18:41
All too well.
18:42
But I don't have time to deal with It.
18:44
For men like us, Stan...
18:46
for men of power and authority...
18:49
well, there's career, and there's family.
18:52
And sometimes you have to focus on what's important—
18:55
and that's career.
18:57
So spit it out. What's your favor?
19:00
Well, since you assign the task force positions—
19:03
[ Phone Rings ] - Take it.
19:05
A phone call at a time like this...
19:07
couldn't possibly change the nature of the favor you're going to ask.
19:10
[ Beeps ] - Hello?
19:11
[ Francine ] Stan? Oh, my God Stan! Steve's been arrested!
19:15
Whoa, whoa. Baby, calm down.
19:16
He robbed a pharmacy. People are in the hospital! Armed robbery! He's in jail!
19:20
People are always in the hospital, baby. That's what they build them for.
19:22
Stan, what are we gonna do?
19:24
Look, it's gonna be fine. It's a first offense.
19:27
You have to do something! He's your son!
19:31
[ Whimpering ]
19:36
[ Beeps ] - Okay. I know what my favor is.
19:40
I washed you in the sink when you were a baby!
19:43
I ain't gonna let you die!
19:44
[ Gasps, Screams ]
19:46
There you are.
19:48
You want a piece of cake?
19:49
I hate you, Lessie!
19:52
Mmm, mmm. You're a troubled child.
19:57
I don't know who you know, but it must be someone pretty high up.
20:01
I mean, not the president, but more than the mayor.
20:05
Just from the feel of it, i''d say it was a... third-term senator?
20:09
U.S. Not state, of course.
20:11
Wow. Exactly right.
20:14
Yeah. It's on the form here.
20:15
Ha-ha! Wasted your time!
20:17
I'm sorry, Dad.
20:19
I'm the one who should be sorry.
20:21
I was playing the career game when I should have been focusing on what's important.
20:25
Focusing on you.
20:26
I just want to go back to my old school.
20:28
That's all I want too, Son.
20:31
Your face is freaking me out. You look like that cashier at CVS.
20:34
How are we gonna explain this to Mom?
20:36
Don't worry. I'll take care of that.
20:37
We'll blame the robbery on one of those snotty private school kids.
20:42
[ Man In Distance ] This way, this way! - [ Dogs Barking ]
20:44
Come on, guys! - You on the run too, huh?
20:48
I was framed. Who are you?
20:50
My name's Johnny. Johnny Mind.
20:53
[ Male Announcer ] Mind Quad!
20:55
Now get in. We have good deeds to do...
20:57
in quirky small towns all across America.
21:00
[ Beeping ]
21:06
[Announcer ] You're watching the season premiere of Mind Quad.
21:09
Sign on to mindquad.org to get the scoop...
21:11
on Johnny's new pal the differently-abled Jimmy Boom Box.
21:47
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
