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I don't want a football player!
S07E17 Home Wrecker
02:05 – 02:07
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We'll go with Nelson Mandela.
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He's not a— How could you not know who Nelson Mandela is? Idiot.
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:34
[ Humming "She'll Be Comin' 'Round the Mountain" ]
00:39
Frannie, please stop that humming...
00:41
or I'm gonna strangle you with your own hair, baby, okay?
00:43
I like the humming.
00:45
It shows her pleasant disposition.
00:46
Francine's morning hums are what help get me out of bed.
00:49
Thank you, sweetheart.
00:50
Wanda Sykes is coming to town.
00:52
Good luck selling out the Civic Auditorium.
00:55
The Langley Falls Dynamite can't even do that...
00:57
and they're the best all-male nude revue in the greater Lanceton area.
01:00
Yeah, but they lost Chocolate Don.
01:02
Oh, no, no. No, no. Chocolate Don is back.
01:04
Oh, really? His mom is better?
01:06
No, she passed.
01:07
So he's back, but he's sad.
01:09
And what do you have to say for yourself, Metro Section?
01:12
Dad, can't you read the newspaper without talking to it?
01:15
It puts me off my meal.
01:16
I like when your father talks to the paper.
01:19
Makes me feel like I work at Murphy Brown.
01:21
When will we love the Earth as much as we love ourselves.
01:26
In Gaia's name we ask— Ow! [ Gasps ]
01:30
[ Laughs ] You're bleeding!
01:31
And it's not even that time of the month.
01:33
Period joke! - [ Both Laugh ]
01:39
Hey, babe, we need to pick a design for our new checks.
01:42
I'm thinkin' hot rods.
01:43
We're not putting hot rods on our checks.
01:45
This is the first thing both of our names are gonna be on as a married couple.
01:48
Okay? We should take this seriously.
01:50
Okay, if you don't want hot rods, how about hot dogs?
01:54
How about no? - Not the food.
01:57
I'm talking canines in sexy poses.
02:02
We'll go with Nelson Mandela.
02:05
I don't want a football player!
02:07
He's not a— How could you not know who Nelson Mandela is? Idiot.
02:12
Dummy. - Jerk.
02:13
Whore. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
02:15
You newlyweds have been fighting an awful lot lately.
02:17
You two need to model your marriage after a perfect one.
02:20
Like— - [ Together ] Ours!
02:22
You guys?
02:23
Your father and I...
02:24
have 20 years of being in perfect sync.
02:27
We just— We go together.
02:29
We go together like— like—
02:32
Doe doe, doe, doe, doe, doe, doe, doe doe, doe doe, doe, doe, doe, doe, doe,
02:36
Doe, doe, doe, doe, doe doe, doe, doe, doe, doe f
02:39
Doe, doe, doe, doe, doe, doe ys
02:41
We're Stan and Frannie
02:43
And we go together like a dinga de dinga dong ♪
02:45
she's thin and pretty ♪
02:47
f And I love him 'cause he's so big and strong ♪ - [I Clang ]
02:50
Flim, flam, flippity flop de flop ♪
02:52
Bip, bop, bap, boo, boo, bahbee
02:56
[ Together ] Stan and Frannie.
02:58
We go together like Steve's palm
03:01
And a gallon of Lubriderm ♪
03:03
I've got a big chin
03:04
And that goes great with my huge vaginny-gin
03:07
Bah, bah, biggity, doogah dom
03:09
♪ Gah, zib, zib, la, la, fareed ♪
03:12
Blip, blah, blah, blee ♪
03:16
Blah, blah, gippity, gip-ta-bot
03:18
Gip, gop, galladawot, nippity nip-ta-doo
03:20
Boogety, boogety, boogety, boogety—
03:21
Stop! Where's Roger? -, [Ends ]
03:23
I left in the middle of the song.
03:24
It turned into all gibberish, and I won't be a part of it.
03:27
Anyway, point is, we're strong.
03:30
Where'd you get the food, greaser dude?
03:32
Greg and Terry's. They're having a big open house to show off their new kitchen.
03:35
New kitchen? Did they put in a new fridge?
03:38
Mm-hmm.
03:39
And did they get a new stove? - Yeah.
03:41
Yeah, they did! And did they put in all new cabinets?
03:45
I, uh— I think so.
03:47
Cabinets-ah! All... new... cabinets!
03:51
Preach it, honey.
03:53
Excuse me? Oh
03:55
A little birdy just told me about all... new... floors!
03:59
Hallelujah! - Praise the floors!
04:02
[ Shuddering ]
04:05
Whew, whew! Okay, okay. - [ Continues Shuddering ]
04:09
Let's go see it! Yeah! Yeah! - Yeah!
04:12
Yeah! Let's go!
04:15
[ When the Saints Go Marching In" ]
04:19
Okay, Megan Fox and Seth Rogen come out of a room containing only one chair.
04:24
Do you sniff the chair?
04:26
Jamie Foxx is not a Wayans brother!
04:30
Think fast! [ Laughs ]
04:32
sixty-four blue, 19 red, 21 brown, 38 green.
04:35
142 total candies. [ Sobs ]
04:40
Hold up. It looks like we got ourselves a magic moron.
04:45
You boys ever played a little game called blackjack?
04:49
Principal Lewis, I think our homeroom hamster is sick.
04:52
Think fast!
04:53
[ Laughs ] It never gets old.
04:57
Okay, Rain Man, what cards are left in the deck?
05:00
Three jacks, a king, two eights and a four. Definitely a four.
05:05
Treat! - [ Gulps ]
05:06
Next stop, the casino!
05:08
When Barry signals the deck is hot, you boys sit down and bet strong.
05:12
Snot, you're Jewish. You'll be in charge of the money.
05:15
Steve, you'll be in charge of watching Snot, because I don't trust Jews.
05:19
Come on! Let's go play some blackjack!
05:21
Now? But we have geometry class.
05:23
I'll write you a note.
05:26
"Dear Math Bitch, These kids ain't showing up.
05:29
Love, your main man.
05:32
P.S. One plus one equals the two of us.
05:36
Plus one more would be nice though.
05:39
Maybe Jill from the cafeteria.
05:42
Or your sister Lisa. You know, when she's legal."
05:47
[ Drops Pen ]
05:50
Our cappuccino maker is now built right into the fridge.
05:53
Ooh, what's this for?
05:55
Dedicated drawer to bring olives up to Mediterranean room temperature.
05:58
And, look, this cabinet is also a dishwasher.
06:00
We put our dishes away dirty.
06:02
Son of a bitch!
06:04
We did all of this in just under three months.
06:06
Three months of living hell. It put such a strain on our civil union.
06:10
We're fortunate to have such a strong relationship.
06:12
Hey, Mom, maybe you and Dad should redo our kitchen.
06:15
[ Laughing ]
06:17
You two shouldn't even think about a renovation.
06:20
Are-Are you implying our marriage isn't strong enough...
06:24
to withstand a little construction project?
06:26
Fifty percent of all marriages don't survive a home remodel.
06:29
First of all, don't pretend you're married. It implies equality.
06:32
Second of all, our marriage can survive anything.
06:35
Oh, yeah? How about this?
06:36
If your marriage survives the remodel, we'll pay for the whole thing.
06:42
But if it doesn't, we get your marriage license.
06:45
You know that's not gonna make your marriage legal.
06:47
No, I know. But it'll be a moral victory.
06:50
We'll cross your names out and write our names in.
06:53
Like we did on the Vietnam Memorial. - [ Both Giggle ]
06:57
[ Cackles ]
06:59
You're on. This'll be easy for us, because we're a team.
07:03
We're— We're—
07:07
We're Stan and Frannie, and we go together—
07:09
Hell, no. Hell, no!
07:11
You do not come in here and start singing a musical on my stage!
07:15
Terry, calm down. - No!
07:16
If anyone's singing a musical number in this house, it's me!
07:19
I will sing the cancan song from irma la Douce and bring you to tears!
07:23
He'll do it. You better go now.
07:25
[ Shouts ] Five, six, seven, eight!
07:27
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la-la-la
07:30
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la-la-la
07:33
Da-da-da-da Da-da-da-da-da-da-da, Da-da-da-da—
07:37
Well, my weekend's shot. Thank you for this.
07:43
So you're really gonna renovate? - That's right.
07:46
How else are we going to prove to Greg and Terry how strong our marriage is?
07:49
seems a little juvenile, but as long as we're getting new cabinets.
07:55
[ Chuckles ] So have you hired a contractor yet?
07:58
I could do this job for you. Let me show you some of my work.
08:01
I built the addition onto this home.
08:03
Did it on time and on budget, including low-flow gumdrop toilets.
08:07
We're not using you, Roger. We already hired someone. - [ Knocking ]
08:12
Everyone, meet Uzi Knesset.
08:14
Hello, hello. - An Israeli? All right.
08:19
Okay, let's get started. What color would you like the kitchen?
08:22
[ Both ] White.
08:23
Great. Now, I have several different shades of white for you to choose from.
08:27
Snowflake. - Mother's Milk.
08:29
Okay. We'll put a pin in that for now.
08:31
I'm okay. I— I'm oka—
08:34
Why is it only me—
08:36
There's our heavy mixer!
08:38
[ Machines Whirring ] - [ Hammers Banging ]
08:41
[ Chattering ]
08:43
[ Whirring, Banging Continue ] - [ Shouting ] Bacon's a little chewy.
08:45
Yeah, it's raw. The stove doesn't work.
08:48
What about the, uh, bacon machine?
08:50
That's what Steve calls his butt when he's making poops!
08:53
Is that what you're talking about?
08:55
Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.
08:57
Have you guys picked your white yet?
08:58
We're still having a loving debate about it.
09:00
Okay. What about your style of kitchen then?
09:03
Traditional. - Modern.
09:05
Modern? Why do you want modern?
09:06
It's cool. Don't you want to be cool?
09:09
I think you know I want to be cool. That's why I bought this.
09:13
I'm sorry, but I have to put my foot down, Francine. We're going traditional.
09:17
I've got a foot too, Stan, and I'm also putting it down—
09:21
In our modern kitchen! - [ Gary ] Knock, knock.
09:24
Was that the sounds of marital discord I heard?
09:26
Just came by to measure your marriage certificate.
09:28
We want to hang it next to the framed picture of me...
09:30
when I bumped into Mario Lopez at a Friday's.
09:33
Uh, we were just agreeing, lovingly, on how easy all these decisions are.
09:37
We're doing our kitchen traditional with Mother's Milk white. Right, darling?
09:42
Yes. Of course, dear.
09:45
Great, a decision. So you two boys, you, uh—
09:48
Huh? - Mm-hmm.
09:50
Hey, good for you. Live!
10:04
[Asian]
10:11
[ Chattering ]
10:16
Dealer bust. You win again.
10:19
Yeah! Yes! - Dynamite!
10:22
Principal Lewis, we're raking it in over there!
10:26
Uh, why are you dressed like an Asian man?
10:28
I'm in disguise. I'm into these Hong Kong mothers for 22 large...
10:33
and 14 small.
10:35
They charge $14 for a Reuben here.
10:41
You know, Knesset, when I did the demo work on 312 Gingerbread Lane...
10:45
I had to be careful, because a load-bearing candy cane was holding up one wall...
10:49
so I made an I-beam out of half a Kit Kat.
10:53
You are ugly, smelly, not fun and just my type.
10:57
Tell me what I have to do to make you fall in love with me.
10:59
I've always wanted a bay window.
11:02
Is that something you can do, Uzi?
11:04
I can do anything. - Okay, great. Let's put in a bay window.
11:08
Are you sure? Maybe you want to talk to your husband about it.
11:11
If he's gonna ram a traditional kitchen down my throat...
11:15
I'll dump out a bay window on his chest.
11:20
The Kit Kat melted in the heat wave of '06...
11:22
so I replaced it with a strawberry Twizzler.
11:25
You're a dour man, Uzi Knesset, but I love you.
11:28
I asked you not to, but you built a settlement on my heart.
11:32
Soft [ Rock ]
11:35
ale [ Stops ] - All right, boys!
11:37
Time to have a little fun with the winnings.
11:39
Gentlemen, we're gonna see boob.
11:42
Afraid not. I'd like to bring you boys in there. I really would.
11:45
But the only 14-year-olds allowed in there are performing on stage.
11:49
[ All Groan ]
11:51
[ Women ] Brian! - Ladies!
11:54
Alfred Hitchcock!
11:56
Good tail here tonight, Brian.
12:02
[ Drilling ]
12:04
What's going on? I didn't sign off on a bay window.
12:07
I did. I figured it would let more light in...
12:09
to see the style of kitchen I didn't want.
12:12
A bay window, you look at a bay.
12:14
Through this, you look at—
12:15
I'm really not certain what this is.
12:18
[ Grunting ]
12:22
Yea! - [ Giggles ]
12:23
Well, I like the window, Stan!
12:25
Well, dumb bitches like dumb things! - Stan!
12:28
Ah, maybe that was excessive.
12:30
Maybe? You think maybe, ass-chin'?
12:33
I want to have a say too. - You don't know what you're talking about!
12:36
This is my house! - I'm so sick and tired of you doing everything your way.
12:38
If you don't like it, you can take a hike!
12:42
[ Gasps ] They're looking! I don't want to lose this bet.
12:46
Quick! Pretend you're porking me on the sink.
12:48
[ Loudly ] We're doing it!
12:49
'Cause it's going so well!
12:52
[ Neon Hums ]
12:54
We've been doing this for weeks, and I'm sick of it.
12:57
The four of us win tons of money...
12:59
and Principal Lewis spends it all on lap dances and James Ingram Cds.
13:03
I say screw Lewis.
13:04
We can count cards on our own and keep all the money. What do you say?
13:08
Yeah, screw Lewis. - [ Speaks Japanese ]
13:14
Yah mo b there ♪ - ♪ Up and over
13:19
Yah mo b there ♪ - ♪ Up and over
13:23
Yah mo b there ♪ - ♪ Whenever you call
13:30
[Latin]
13:34
[ Humming ]
13:38
Hayley, would you tell your mother I've got a song for her to hum?
13:41
It's called, "I threw my humming wife out the window.
13:44
She didn't die, but she never walked again."
13:47
Oh, my God, I'd love to hear the wheelchair boy on Glee sing that.
13:50
You know, he's not a real paraplegic. Isn't that sad?
13:54
Indigo Girls are opening for Wanda Sykes.
13:57
A lot of softball-related injuries in that room.
13:59
Stan, quit boring the newspaper.
14:01
It's a wonder it still shows up every day, knowing it has to listen to you!
14:05
Keep your voice down! You want to lose our marriage certificate to the gays?
14:08
Who cares? I don't like a traditional kitchen!
14:11
Well, I don't like bay windows!
14:13
Well, I don't believe you'll ever sail around the world!
14:16
Well, I've never even listened to your dreams!
14:18
I can't stand listening to you!
14:20
I can't stand looking at you! - Dad!
14:22
I can't stand living with you! - Mom!
14:25
Great! Then move out! - I'm not moving out!
14:27
Well, I'm not moving out!
14:34
I saw this on a Brady Bunch.
14:35
You stay on your side, I'll stay on mine.
14:37
You got it, pal.
14:39
We'll each decorate our side of the house how we see fit!
14:43
I've got a date with Sam the butcher.
14:45
He's gonna bring me his big, uncut salami.
14:47
[ Audience Laughter, Applause ]
14:51
Ah, it was so easy back then. - [ Recorded Fanfare ]
15:00
[ Both ] Hmm.
15:03
Your side of the house sucks. - Why? Because my chairs don't have hooves?
15:08
Uh, yeah. For starters.
15:10
Hey, your stupid finger crossed the line! Stay off my side!
15:14
I can't believe you guys are separated.
15:16
How are you gonna live like this?
15:18
Oh, I'm sure your mother will be moving out in no time.
15:25
How's the smell over there, Frannie?
15:27
Too bad that bay window doesn't open.
15:29
Our old window opened just fine!
15:32
[Woman On TV] Once the mucus plug falls out...
15:35
the next stage of birth is called the bloody show.
15:40
[ Loud Techno ]
15:48
[ Woman ] Check it out, ladies.
15:50
Next time your man says he's going out for Pinkberry...
15:53
you better make sure he's talking about yogurt!
15:56
[ Shouts ] No! - [ Shatters ]
16:02
There. Now we live in completely separate houses.
16:05
I don't ever have to look at you—
16:09
stan, what do you think of my mural?
16:26
[ Joy To The World" ]
16:29
[ Laughing ]
16:30
[ Slow ]
16:36
[ Exhales ]
16:39
[ Together With TV ] Three, two, one— Happy New Year!
16:47
[ "Auld Lang Syne" ] - [ Honks ]
16:55
Francine? - Oh, Stan.
16:59
How have you been? - A little exhausted...
17:00
celebrating all those holidays in one week just to make each other feel bad.
17:07
Hey, honey, I found the frozen waffles.
17:09
Who the hell is this guy? - I don't know!
17:11
Oh, sorry. I thought you were my wife.
17:14
she's got that same sweater.
17:23
So, maybe I'll... see you around the neighborhood.
17:31
Stan? - Yeah?
17:34
The toilet paper in your cart doesn't work for you.
17:38
You need the one with the lumberjack on it.
17:40
Oh. Thanks.
17:48
[ Sighs ]
17:55
Twenty-one? What a pleasant surprise!
17:59
We've made over eight grand.
18:01
What are you going to do with your share of the money, Barry?
18:03
Hire a man to kill an abortion doctor.
18:06
I mean, buy video games and bubble gum.
18:10
I knew it! You back-stabbers thought you could count cards without me?
18:14
Try to cut me out? - No, sir.
18:16
We would never— Toshi, now!
18:21
[ Gasps ] My Manchu!
18:24
Hey, you're Brian Lewis. You owe us 22 large.
18:27
Kill the kids! They're counting cards!
18:30
Oh, no. - Kill them all!
18:33
[ Screams ]
18:35
[ All Scream ]
18:44
[ Guns Cocking ]
18:47
Okay, just keep quiet. We'll be safe here.
18:51
[ All Scream ]
18:55
[ Clicking ]
18:56
Four Berettas, two Glocks,
18:58
and a Smith & Wesson with a double stack magazine.
19:00
All 88 shots have been fired. They have no bullets left.
19:03
Are you sure, Barry? - Definitely sure.
19:07
[ Clicks ] - Okay, then! Y'all gonna get cut!
19:09
[ Gunshot ] - [ Screams ] My "Hip-Hop Hooray" arm!
19:15
[ Laughs ] They only fired 87. I knew there was one left.
19:20
Why, Rain Kid?
19:22
[ Grunts ] - Never touch a fat boy's candy.
19:26
[ Screams ] No! Ohh! Ooh! Aah! Waah!
19:33
[ Humming "We Go Together' ]
19:35
Like— [ Scatting ]
19:39
[ Francine Humming "we Go Together' ]
19:41
Like— [ Scatting ]
19:45
[ Groans ]
19:53
Stan? [ Romeo And Juliet Overture ] - Francine!
19:57
Francine! - Stan!
20:00
Francine! - Stan!
20:02
Francine!
20:04
[I Continues ]
20:09
Francine!
20:10
I miss holding you!
20:12
start making dinner immediately!
20:14
Stan! Stan! - Francine!
20:17
Stan! - Francine!
20:26
[ Creaking ]
20:32
[ Car Alarm Blares ]
20:34
[ Screams ]
20:38
Take a picture. It'll last longer.
20:41
I love you, Stan. - Me too, baby.
20:44
But Greg and Terry were right.
20:46
Our marriage isn't strong enough to survive a remodel.
20:49
So let's not remodel. - Exactly.
20:52
We're great together, as long as we don't put any stress on our marriage.
20:55
It's like a rickety bridge that's fine...
20:57
as long as you don't drive anything heavy over it.
20:59
You know, I liked the house the way it was.
21:02
So did I. Imperfect, like us.
21:07
U.S. Immigration! Where is she?
21:09
Run, Annabelle! - [I Air Squeaks ]
21:46
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
