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Do you want me to read to your wife?
S07E18 Flirting with Disaster
15:27 – 15:30
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But Francine's furious with me.
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I could read her some launch codes.
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Transcript
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00:02
There's this misconception...
00:04
that the C.I.A. is only about thwarting terrorism.
00:07
Truth is, we're just like any other office.
00:10
Come on. You can do this.
00:13
[ Grunts ]
00:15
[ People Jeering ] - [ Man ] You suck, Jackson.
00:19
[ Gun Cocks ] - It says, "No touchy."
00:22
Yep, just your average, everyday office.
00:25
No espionage around here.
00:27
Especially with this little trick.
00:29
[ Chuckles ] - No! Not my privacy strips!
00:32
[ Gasps ] Please come back!
00:34
[ Piano, imitating The Office ]
00:42
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
01:02
[Ends ]
01:08
Kind of fun when your car is in the shop and I get to drive you to work.
01:12
Makes me feel like we're partner cops.
01:14
[ Imitates Static ] "Let's roll.
01:15
There's a 102 over on Eight with a couple of perps."
01:18
[ Giggles ]
01:20
Hey, why don't I come by and pick you up for lunch?
01:22
Oh, babe, you know I'd love to spend...
01:24
every minute of every day with you...
01:26
but I am too swamped to go off-campus today.
01:29
He really means it.
01:30
He'd spend every minute of every day with me, if he could.
01:34
Security gate. - Oh, God!
01:37
[ Brakes Screech ]
01:38
This is good. Kiss. - Kiss.
01:43
Whew! We almost had two cars in the shop.
01:48
Morning, Stan. - Good morning, Lorraine.
01:50
Uh, uh, uh. Hang on.
01:52
I gotta go over you with a metal detector.
01:55
[ Imitating Beeping ]
01:58
[ Beeping Speeds Up ]
02:00
Uh-oh! Someone's got buns of steel!
02:03
[ Sniffs ] You smell that? Something's on fire.
02:06
Oh, it's you.
02:08
You're smokin'! [ Imitates Fire Extinguisher ]
02:10
Ooh [ Chuckles ]
02:11
Yeah, I flirt at work. We all do.
02:13
It's-It's nice to feel desirable, you know?
02:16
It's harmless fun, like eating grapes at the supermarket...
02:19
or taking your penis out on the subway.
02:23
Yeah! Shake it, Thunder Butt!
02:25
I actually have a nickname around here.
02:27
The ladies gave it to me because of my legendary derriere.
02:30
Oh, you want to see the thunderclap?
02:32
[ Clapping ] - [ Laughs ] I Whoo!
02:34
[ Man ] Yeah, there he goes.
02:36
[ Woman ] Aw, shake it! - [ Man ] Faster.
02:39
Check it. Hard, right?
02:41
[ Claps ] - Like two rocks kissing over the mouth of a coyote den.
02:45
[ Claps Twice ]
02:47
Hey, ginger scoops.
02:48
I was looking at nudie mags in that field...
02:50
and I need you to check me for ticks.
02:53
Oh, goodness.
02:55
This is truly the most beautiful birdhouse I've ever seen.
02:58
Did you buy it from God?
03:00
No. I made it myself.
03:02
[ Gasps ] Steven, you have a gift.
03:05
With my business savvy and your natural ability, we could make a fortune!
03:08
Oh, I just do it for fun.
03:10
And to help a bird or two get out of the cold.
03:12
What if you could help thousands of birds?
03:15
Gosh, I-i'd say yes!
03:17
Put her there, partner. I'll go drum up some business.
03:20
But first, I really need you to check me for ticks.
03:23
[ Sucking ]
03:24
Anything? They're tough to see.
03:29
And I said I don't like tomatoes.
03:31
And he said he could make it without the tomatoes.
03:34
sounds delish. This is good.
03:38
Kiss. - Kiss.
03:40
Oh, I didn't Know the forecast was calling for thunder.
03:46
Whoo! [ Chuckles ]
03:48
Thunder? What's she talking about?
03:50
Oh, she's big into hang gliding.
03:52
she probably won't go up today. Not with that much chop.
03:56
Whew!
04:01
[ Giggles ] - [ Bullock ] Attention, everyone.
04:03
some of you have been asking where my assistant, Monroe, has gone.
04:07
[ Shouts ] What happened to him? - Simmer, Sanders.
04:10
Monroe has decided to breed mastiffs up in Canada.
04:13
Apparently, you can get $1,200 per puppy, so that's pretty good.
04:18
Anyway, I decided to promote Lorraine to be my new assistant.
04:22
[ Woman ] There you go, Lorraine!
04:24
Now, we'll need a new receptionist, so I'm going through résumés.
04:28
But I'll be honest, the only ones we've gotten...
04:30
are from Chinese spies trying to infiltrate us.
04:33
silly Chinese, even with their ninja magic, they could never pass for one of us.
04:39
[ Giggling, Chinese Accent ] They've mastered art of the noodle, but not art of disguise.
04:43
[ Laughs ] Good one, Butch.
04:45
But, seriously, anyone know anything about any launch codes?
04:50
My name is Butch Johnson from 5 Green Lane, Plymouth, Indiana...
04:55
Zip 46563-3781.
04:58
I like shooting hoops and Miss Kelly Ripa.
05:01
But, seriously, anyone seen anything to do with launch codes?
05:08
Bam! Two orders, prepaid!
05:10
Oh, boy!
05:11
Wait. Two houses?
05:13
I don't know if I can produce at that volume. - Steve, relax.
05:17
You just concentrate on being the creative force God made you, and leave the rest to me.
05:21
To our new business!
05:23
To our new— [ Screams ]
05:25
These are a lot stronger than when I was a kid.
05:30
Jocelyn. Joss. Jossy.
05:33
I wish that I was Jossy's girl. - [ Giggles ]
05:36
[ Elevator Dings ] - [ Francine ] I Stan?
05:39
Ooh! Francine! - [ Shatters ]
05:42
What are you doing here? - [ Giggles ] I work here!
05:46
I'm the new receptionist! I'll be right back.
05:48
I gotta go fill out my paperwork with H.R.
05:51
[ Shouts ] Isn't this great?
05:56
You're still filming?
05:58
Don't you have enough footage yet? What is this even for?
06:00
[ Chinese Accent ] Uh, we are Dutch documentary crew.
06:04
Yes, the Dutch! I believe them.
06:06
Checks out to me! [ Chuckles ]
06:09
But, seriously, anyone know anything about any launch codes?
06:19
Isn't this great, us working together?
06:22
I know! Yay! How did this happen?
06:25
It was at one of your office Christmas parties years ago.
06:28
With Steve now in school...
06:30
I've got the itch to start working again.
06:32
[ Bullock ] Your chest is crazy.
06:34
Definitely send me your résumé.
06:37
I didn't get the job at the time.
06:39
But when I was dropping you off the other morning, I ran into Bullock.
06:47
[ Screams ] My leg! You bitch!
06:49
I'm gonna sue the living—
06:51
Crazy chest! How are you?
06:55
Well, that is just fantastic.
06:57
Mind if I borrow your desk rock?
07:00
[ Grunts ] - Are you nuts?
07:02
You hired my wife? - So? I also banged your daughter.
07:06
And remember your 4th of July barbecue?
07:08
I muff-punched your Gram-Gram. she was just too senile to know it.
07:12
Work is where I come to socialize.
07:15
Having Francine here will ruin that!
07:17
How would you like it if your wife worked here? - Oh, I'd love it.
07:20
Is there an opening for a woman...
07:21
who bangs every black man she meets in a Red Lobster parking lot?
07:30
[ Honks Twice ] Three more orders!
07:33
[ Grunting ]
07:46
You bought a scooter?
07:47
Shouldn't we be putting our profits back into the company?
07:50
The birdhouse game is all about appearance, Steve.
07:52
Do you think I would have made all those sales if I had shown up on my hippity hop?
07:57
All right.
07:59
Well, can you at least go get me some more supplies?
08:01
I'm on it. [ Grunting ]
08:06
[ Engine Starts ]
08:09
Whoo-hoe-hoe-hoe!
08:14
Stan, hi
08:16
Oh, hi, Francine.
08:17
How's your day goin'?
08:20
Thunder!
08:21
Uh, I really gotta go. I-I have to mail something.
08:24
Yeah! Show the new girl the thunderclap.
08:29
Clap, clap, clap, clap.
08:33
Well. That was something.
08:35
Francine, I can explain.
08:37
Stan, don't worry about it.
08:39
Just a little harmless flirting.
08:41
Right. That's all it is.
08:42
You don't have to change your behavior now that I'm here.
08:46
Are-Are you sure? - Absolutely. Flirt away.
08:51
Hey, Jocelyn, good news!
08:52
I can still throw goldfish crackers into your cleavage!
08:55
[ Drumming ]
09:01
[ Laughing, Cheering ]
09:05
[ Laughing ]
09:09
Feel the bullet stuck in there?
09:11
Oh, I can't tell if it's that or an ab muscle.
09:13
Everything's so hard.
09:15
[ Chuckles ] Is this— Is this how we're fighting Al-Qaeda now?
09:19
By-By horsing around?
09:22
How come you didn't tell me everyone is so nice here?
09:28
I've got your wedding ring! Technically, you're not married.
09:31
Hey! You give that back! [ Chuckles ]
09:40
[ Giggles ] - Yeah!
09:42
I'm the Mayor of Jam City!
09:46
[ Timer Dings ]
09:54
Hi, honey. How was your day?
09:56
[ Kiss ] - Thompson's riding my ass again.
09:58
He still wants you to get that proposal done by Monday?
10:01
I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to work all weekend.
10:04
Oh, poor baby.
10:05
Tell you what. I'll sit on the kids tonight.
10:08
You take a hot bath and—
10:10
[ Rumbling, Cracking ]
10:15
Tatianna!
10:16
Leave me! Save the kids!
10:25
[ Chirps ]
10:27
[ Father Screaming ]
10:32
Ah, what a piece of crap. - [ Beeping, Rings ]
10:39
Oh, no! [ Sobbing ] H-How could this happen?
10:46
This isn't a McGinty screw.
10:48
I-it's just a cheap knock-off. How on earth—
10:51
[ Gasps ] Roger.
10:54
That bastard!
10:56
[ Gasps ] Oh, Greg, look!
10:57
The Aquabot made it to the shallow end!
11:03
[ Francine Laughing ] Come on, stop it!
11:06
Ow! Wheel me back to my desk.
11:09
spinny chair!
11:12
Who wants my hot black box...
11:14
of coffee?
11:16
[ Laughs ]
11:18
What's the matter with you guys? You forget about Lorraine already?
11:22
I'm wearing my Pocahontas boots.
11:26
Oh, damn. Oh, damn, my ankle! Damn it!
11:29
These Indian boots are sexy as hell, but they do not support my frame!
11:33
[ Laughs ] Whoa!
11:42
[ Slurps ] spinny chair?
11:44
I invented spinny chair.
11:46
Don't talk to me— [ Chewing ] about spinny chair.
11:49
I hear ya.
11:51
I'm old news. Everyone's just interested in that wife of yours.
11:55
Well, I'm not happy about it either.
11:57
When I flirt, it's cute. Borderline Smurfy.
11:59
When she flirts, it's not cute.
12:01
sounds to me like that milky Jezebel's giving us both trouble!
12:05
If we want things to get back to normal...
12:07
we gotta come up with a way to get Francine out of there.
12:09
Yeah. Uh-huh. I hear you.
12:13
Oh, hey, how's your ankle? - Not good.
12:15
Doctor says I gotta lose 55 pounds.
12:18
I said, "Well, I'm losing you.
12:20
That's 200 pounds right there."
12:22
[ Muffled Speech, Indistinct ]
12:35
Where...
12:36
the hell...
12:38
is my sandwich?
12:46
[ Gasps, Inhales ]
12:50
Where is Francine Smith?
12:52
Oh. Uh, her and a few people went down to the quad.
12:56
[ Beeping ]
12:58
Hey, Lorraine, you gotta get to the quad.
13:00
I thought of a way to take care of our Francine problem.
13:03
Oh, I was just about to call you.
13:05
I'm already down here. I came up with a plan myself
13:09
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
13:10
[ Giggles ] - [ Chuckling ]
13:13
Mmm! - [ Screams ]
13:14
That's acid in your face, you fine-ass bitch!
13:21
[ Police Radio Chatter ]
13:25
What kind of monster are you?
13:27
You said get rid of her. - I meant get her fired!
13:30
I stayed up all night plotting an intricate scheme with Bullock's sandwich.
13:33
Yeah, well, while you were playing sandwiches, I was coming up with a real plan!
13:37
You melted my wife's face!
13:39
Please.
13:43
How bad is it, Doc? - Here, lookee.
13:46
[ Monitor Beeping ]
13:48
[ Gasps ] - Oh, God! Oh, no!
13:50
Oh, God!
13:52
How could you show me that? - I know.
13:54
Normally, we'd give her a skin graft...
13:56
but we're currently in a nationwide skin shortage.
13:58
We'll put her on the wait list, but it could take years.
14:01
Unless...
14:04
she dies.
14:08
Why did Lorraine do this? - I don't know.
14:11
I was just talking to her about getting you fired. I didn't mean for her to—
14:15
Wait. You were in on this?
14:17
I can't believe my ears.
14:20
You mean the holes where your ears used to be. And I'm sorry.
14:23
Get out of here, Stan. I can't stand to be around you.
14:27
Okay. Well...
14:29
I'm gonna go downstairs and grab a hamburger.
14:32
Just like the white-winged dove sings a song
14:35
sounds like she's singing Ooh, ooh you!
14:39
- Steve!
14:41
You bought cheap screws, Roger!
14:43
You cut corners to pay for your-your whores...
14:46
and your drugs and your stupid Klaus tattoo!
14:50
Klaus likes It!
14:54
You know what? You're nothing but a drug addict!
14:57
Birds died because of you!
14:59
Oh, my God. Who cares?
15:02
Our partnership is over! I never want to see you again!
15:07
Then don't look in the night sky, because I'm a star.
15:10
And that's not the cocaine talking!
15:13
So, girls, tell me more about your childhood.
15:15
Now, that's the cocaine talking!
15:17
[ Grunting ]
15:19
How's she doing? - The good news is eight people waiting for skin have died...
15:24
so we're moving up the list.
15:26
But Francine's furious with me.
15:27
Do you want me to read to your wife?
15:30
I could read her some launch codes.
15:32
But I would need those launch codes.
15:36
[ Francine ] Good morning. - Oh, my God! So gross!
15:38
What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at home, in case the skin people call?
15:42
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
15:44
Me, sitting at home, while you're here, having fun.
15:47
Forget it, buster.
15:49
I still have a job to do, and I'm not gonna let you take that away.
15:55
[ Bullock ] Is that Francine's voice I hear?
15:57
Look who made a speedy recovery—
16:03
Hey, Jackson.
16:05
I have a face muffin in the toaster!
16:07
Oh, hi, Ann. I need to talk to you about ordering some—
16:09
Not in the budget! [ Retches ]
16:15
Hey, Dick, do me a favor. - Yeah, buddy, anything.
16:18
Can you go chat with my wife? Flirt with her a little?
16:20
Your wife? No. [ Chuckles ]
16:22
I saw Newsies on Broadway, man. I paid my dues.
16:26
Are you sure there's no way?
16:31
Francine. Hey, foxy. [ Chuckles ]
16:33
Oh, hey, Dick.
16:35
You want to talk to me?
16:38
Yeah, yeah, of course. settling back in okay?
16:42
[ Whispering ] Keep going.
16:43
Whatcha working on? - Oh, I'm just—
16:46
Oh, sorry.
16:47
Been shedding scabs all day.
16:49
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. That's cool.
16:51
I can't do it!
16:53
[ Gunshot ] - [ Screams ]
16:55
Easy choice.
16:57
Hi, baby! - You were threatening him so he'd talk to me?
17:01
[ Crying ]
17:05
[ Dick ] Stan. I can't...
17:07
believe how dirty it is under my desk.
17:14
Hey, Roger. Wow.
17:18
I almost didn't recognize you. - It's been a long time.
17:22
I see you're still doing the birdhouse thing. - It passes the time.
17:26
It was always in your blood. - Yeah.
17:29
So, how have you been? - Good. Real good, real good.
17:33
Cleaned up my act. Got sober.
17:35
Living with a gal over on Canal Street.
17:38
Taking a couple of classes over at the "Y."
17:40
Getting this tattoo lasered off. [ Chuckles ]
17:42
The-The treatments hurt more than putting the darn thing on.
17:45
[ Chuckles ] I'm sure, I'm sure.
17:49
Listen, Steve, I'm sorry about what happened.
17:52
What I put you through.
17:53
Water under the bridge. I mean, honestly.
17:56
Well— [ Sighs ] Better get going.
17:58
Maybe we can grab a cup of coffee sometime? - I'd like that.
18:03
Hey, Roger. - Yeah?
18:05
I'm rooting for you.
18:07
I know, Steve. You always were.
18:11
[ Steve Narrating ] Our birdhouse business had' been hard on me...
18:13
but it had taken a real toll on Roger.
18:16
i knew it wasnt true— the classes, the girlfriend, the sobriety
18:20
it was all a lie.
18:22
That's why I wasnt surprised to read in the paper...
18:24
that he had' O.d.'d not 10 seconds later.
18:26
[ Gagging ]
18:29
[ Horns Honking In Distance ]
18:31
[ Speaking Chinese ]
18:35
[ Knocking ] Hey, Butch. It's Stan.
18:38
[ Gasps ] Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no
18:40
Fork. Fork, fork, fork, fork.
18:42
Get rid of the chopsticks and use the fork!
18:45
Hey, Stan. What up, player?
18:48
I'm just hanging out with the Dutch.
18:50
Hey, sorry to bother you at home.
18:52
It's just, I-I got those launch codes you've been asking about.
18:54
Oh, my God.
18:56
But, first, I just need you to take my wife to lunch tomorrow.
18:59
You know, flirt with her. Make her feel good.
19:04
[ Shouts ] I give up! I am Chinese spy!
19:07
Don't make me have meal with your wife!
19:09
Her face is too much!
19:12
[ Groans ] - Oh, just have a seat anywhere.
19:15
I don't Know what to do.
19:16
No one at work will flirt with my wife.
19:18
Why do you need someone to flirt with your wife?
19:21
What do you mean? To make her feel good about herself.
19:23
But you're her husband. Why you no do that? - Well, because—
19:27
I don't know. I guess I didn't think it would mean as much coming from me.
19:31
That's so stupid, you silly goose.
19:34
Everything mean more from spouse.
19:37
You're right. You're right. Thank you.
19:41
So... I'm not in trouble for being a spy?
19:45
Oh, no, you are. - [ Screams ]
19:49
Can you believe that guy?
19:51
You Dutch are all right though. Now I have a question.
19:54
Do all your ovens smell like farts?
19:56
Wh-Where does that— Where does that saying come from?
19:58
[ Francine Sobbing ]
20:08
Hey, beautiful.
20:09
Stan? What are you doing? - Flirtin' witcha.
20:13
Stan, it doesn't count. I'm your wife.
20:16
No, it counts more than anything.
20:18
Instead of wasting my time flirting with people at work...
20:21
I should've been flirting with you.
20:23
You mean flirt... with each other?
20:25
Go ahead. Try it, soft shoulders.
20:28
Okay. Um-—
20:30
What do you want for dinner?
20:33
No, that's not good. Um—
20:35
Did you remember to pay the gas bill?
20:39
God, it's so hard with you.
20:41
Um-— Oh, I got it.
20:43
We have that thing at Steve's school on Wednesday night—
20:47
That maybe we should blow off and—
20:50
Do something more fun?
20:53
Like get drunk on margaritas?
20:55
And spit on each other's bodies!
20:57
Okay, well, it's a start. We'll get the hang of it.
20:59
I love you, Thunder Butt.
21:02
That's it!
21:03
What's it, my love?
21:07
There you go. Good as new.
21:10
Hey, Crater Butt. - Hey, Ass Face.
21:47
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
