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if ugly was pretty, then she'd be a 10
S07E19 Gorillas in the Mist
17:36 – 17:39
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:34
[ All Laughing ]
00:39
[ Fizzing ] - Ah.
00:41
Who-Who's that funny for?
00:42
I'll tell you who it's not funny for. The busboy.
00:45
It's kinda funny.
00:46
Announcement.
00:48
since y'all are like my closest friends in the world...
00:50
I wanted to invite you to my houseboat this Saturday.
00:52
That's sweet of you. - I'm flattered.
00:54
You're so generous, and your feet are adorable.
00:55
The best part is spring break starts this weekend...
00:58
so the lake is gonna be crazy!
01:01
I thought we could make "Sluts Gone Nuts" T-shirts...
01:02
to get girls to show us their taytays.
01:04
Check it out.
01:05
Supplies, biatch.
01:07
Oh, yeah! - Cool! I'm writing the name!
01:10
* [ Funeral Dirge ] - Ah, damn it.
01:12
It's the dad phone. - Oh, that reminds me.
01:15
I have to check my sad phone.
01:16
[ Beeps ] - You have zero messages.
01:19
I don't believe this.
01:21
Francine caught my son trying to ditch his P.S.A.T. prep class...
01:24
so he could go to the zoo.
01:26
Sorry, guys. I gotta go handle this.
01:28
Dick, will you decorate my T-shirt?
01:29
You know what colors I like. - You got it.
01:32
He likes yellow, brown and green.
01:34
He used to like red, but lately he said he's over it.
01:37
Hmm. That's a shame. Red's great.
01:39
I think red stuff looks amazing.
01:42
[ Tires Screech ]
01:45
Steven Anita Smith.
01:46
I told him to sit in his room until you got home.
01:49
I figured you'd want to do the punishing.
01:51
And I figured you would have vacuumed the plant gravel...
01:54
out of the trunk of my car by now.
01:57
So, big shot tried to go to the zoo...
01:59
instead of his P.S.A.T. prep course. - I know it was wrong...
02:02
but my friend Wilson said he could get me into the new gorilla habitat.
02:05
I am suspending all your TV and video game privileges.
02:09
And from here on out, I will personally be taking you...
02:11
to and from every P.S.A.T. course.
02:13
Ah. You're being so uncool.
02:16
Hey, I'm not here to be your friend, Steve. I'm your dad.
02:18
That's why your number's in the dad phone and not my friend phone.
02:22
Friend phone conversations go like this.
02:24
What up, Jackson?
02:26
Of course I wanna hang out and ride 10-speeds or whatever.
02:29
Dad phone conversations go like this.
02:32
Ah, damn it.
02:33
Damn it, damn it, damn it. I'll come home and handle it.
02:36
I don't Know. In five minutes.
02:39
We gotta get the bill and figure out how much I owe.
02:41
I can't stiff these guys just 'cause my son's acting up.
02:44
Honey, that's not fair. I told you I was going out for a drink this morning.
02:48
Yes, I did, in the kitchen. Maybe you weren't listening.
02:51
I-I— Look, I gotta go. You want me home, right?
02:53
I can't come home if I'm on the phone.
02:55
Happy? Now I'm in trouble.
02:57
[ Man ] ~ Flew out the door
02:59
When your boots hit the cement floor, you say, "Howdy, Jason"
03:03
I don't understand it.
03:05
They play three chords and whine about their lives and the crowd goes nuts.
03:08
You gotta listen to the words. Country music comes from the heart.
03:12
It comes from the ass.
03:14
Right in the middle of the ass.
03:16
Watch. Anybody can do it. - [ Crowd Applauding ]
03:19
Ladies and gents, our next performer is new on the country scene.
03:22
Give a warm welcome to Mr. Cuss Mustard.
03:28
Thank you kindly.
03:32
I love drinkin' and race cars
03:34
And big ol' fat women
03:36
And Jesus is awesome He rose on Thanksgivin'
03:40
[ All ] Boo! - Aah! You. I saw you.
03:43
Don't you talk about Jesus!
03:45
I eat Funyuns and Tater Tots
03:47
I kill squirrels with my gun
03:50
Okay. God, I'm finished. - [ Woman ] Get off the stage!
03:52
What happened? They hated me.
03:54
You can't fake country music, Roger.
03:56
It comes from a lifetime of pain and hard living.
03:58
I want some of that.
04:00
Then by next honky-tonk night, I can have a song that blows everyone away.
04:04
Well, you can't just get a lifetime of— - Hat rack.
04:07
How's your life? - Unbearable.
04:10
Perfect.
04:11
Will you marry me?
04:13
Sure. Screw it.
04:16
[ Horns Honking ]
04:17
This is all your fault.
04:19
I'm supposed to be with my friends on the houseboat.
04:21
You don't have to keep picking me up from P.S.A.T. class.
04:24
No, I don't? What do I have to do, master?
04:27
What a dick. - »* [ Dance Music Plays ]
04:31
Stan, where are you? We're ready to cast off.
04:34
I'm caught in traffic, taking Steve home.
04:36
Reginald's not gonna hold the boat much longer.
04:38
He's doing the little dance he does when he's impatient.
04:40
We gotta go!
04:43
Just bring Steve with you. You have to hurry.
04:45
[ Sighs ] I'm on my way.
04:48
Close your eyes, Steve. I don't want you to see me drive like this.
04:52
[ Tires Squealing ] - [I Tires Screeching ]
04:55
Aah! Ooh! Ooh! Aah!
04:58
I Hissin -[ Sicha}
04:59
[ Tires Screech ]
05:00
[ Both Laughing ]
05:03
It's not funny.
05:04
It's kinda funny.
05:05
[ Chattering ] - [I Tires Screech ]
05:09
Yay! Let's go! - I got Ziplocs for everyone's wallet.
05:12
We already saw a girl.
05:15
Just give me a second, fellas.
05:19
You're staying here. I've got no time to act like a parent today.
05:23
Leave that running. I don't want you to hear anything we say out there.
05:26
Our words are not for you.
05:34
Aw, man. What's up with Frank and the schedule?
05:38
Ah! Frank!
05:42
Son of a— Frank.
05:44
I missed my kid's birthday for this.
05:53
[ Kids Laughing ] - [ Baby Crying ]
05:55
This is it. Kids, come meet your new daddy.
05:58
It's perfect. We're poor. We got too many kids. It stinks to high heaven.
06:03
This will inspire one hell of a country song.
06:05
Just need a macchiato to get me going.
06:07
Where's our espresso maker, dear?
06:09
The what?
06:11
No, thank you! - [I Ring Clattering ]
06:14
[ Chattering, Laughing ]
06:18
[ Laughing ]
06:21
[ Laughing Continues ]
06:23
Steve, what the hell are you doing outside the bathroom?
06:25
Jackson came in to doo-doo and let me out.
06:27
After he was done. - I'm better in front of somebody.
06:30
Steve just told the most hilarious, filthy joke. You have to hear it.
06:35
I'm not gonna share a dirty joke with my son. It's inappropriate.
06:38
Stan, it's just a joke. Lighten up.
06:40
[ Sighs ] Fine. One joke.
06:42
Then back in the bathroom. - Okay, here goes.
06:45
So, a man with a tickle in his throat—
06:47
And the donkey looks him straight in the eye...
06:49
and without missing a beat, says...
06:52
"Purple hat."
06:53
[ All Laughing ]
06:56
Okay.
06:57
What's wrong, Stan? You didn't like it?
06:59
Actually, I thought it was very well crafted—
07:01
the perfect combination of dirty and smart.
07:03
It was really quite elegant.
07:05
Well, why aren't you laughing?
07:07
Because I don't share laughs with my son.
07:09
There's nothing wrong with laughing, Dad.
07:11
I said I don't need to laugh.
07:13
Purple hat, Dad.
07:15
[ Laughs ] Steve, Steve, stop it.
07:16
I'm not doing anything.
07:18
It was the donkey. He said, "Purple hat."
07:22
[ Laughing ] Don't-Don't you mess with me!
07:24
It's okay. It's okay.
07:27
"Purple hat."
07:28
[ Chuckling ]
07:30
"Purple hat."
07:32
That's what was said...
07:34
by the donkey.
07:36
[ Chuckling ]
07:38
[ Loud Laughter ]
07:42
Oh, for God's sake, get this boy a T-shirt.
07:44
Yeah! - Put that shirt on that boy.
07:46
Attaboy! - [ Crashing ]
07:48
[ Women Screaming ]
07:52
[ Men ] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
07:55
Steve, you don't know how gl— how glad I am to be done...
08:00
with all this father-son crap.
08:02
It's buddy-buddy from here on out.
08:04
That means so much to me.
08:07
Look. I'm taking you out of the dad phone...
08:10
and I'm putting you in the friend phone.
08:13
It's offi-ficial.
08:14
Oh, my God. Thanks, Dad.
08:17
Hey. - What?
08:18
Y-Y¥-You can call me Stan.
08:20
[ Reginald ] They got me, y'all. Watch my boat.
08:31
That was amazing. You— You are super fun, man.
08:34
You're fun. I love being friends with you, Stan.
08:37
Hey, let's make some nachos, melt some queso.
08:43
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Knock, knock.
08:45
Oh, are you— are you doing a knock-knock— knock-knock joke?
08:48
Yeah, yeah. You just made me think of it. Knock, knock.
08:50
Who's there? - [ Chuckles ]
08:52
Queso. - Queso who?
08:54
[ Squeaky Fart ]
08:56
'Kay, so I farted.
08:58
[ Laughing ] Yes.
09:00
Hey, you wanna wake up early tomorrow and go for a run?
09:04
Oh, definitely. You wanna say, like, 7:00?
09:06
7:15, to be safe.
09:09
[ Sizzling ] - [ Steve Groans ]
09:12
There you are.
09:13
What time did you and your dad get home last night?
09:16
He wouldn't even budge this morning.
09:17
Ah, don't know. It's kind of blurry.
09:21
Good Lord. You smell like a brewery.
09:24
Did your father let you drink beer last night?
09:33
Ah! You have been drinking.
09:36
Stan, how could you let Steve get drunk last night?
09:40
It was a mistake, Francine. I wasn't thinking straight.
09:42
I was with my friends. We had some drinks.
09:44
We were on a boat. I was— I was boat-notized.
09:47
Boat-notized?
09:49
Oh! Like ship-notized?
09:51
Ship-notized? Ah, that-that means nothing.
09:54
Look, I told Steve to stay away from the adult activity...
09:57
but he disobeyed me. - What?
09:59
Stan, he needs to be punished.
10:01
Oh, don't worry. He will be.
10:03
Dad, I don't understand why I'm in trouble.
10:05
Dude, dude, dude. Francine's lame, all right?
10:07
It's cool. We're cool. - Wait.
10:09
So you're not gonna punish me like Mom said?
10:11
Come on, we're boys now. Bros before hos, my man.
10:15
Brothers before whores all day long.
10:18
And Mom's the whore in that situation?
10:20
All day long.
10:23
[ Calypso ]
10:26
[I Continues ]
10:29
Hey, what happened to being a country singer?
10:32
Oh, living the honky-tonk life is too hard.
10:34
I'm doing calypso dancing now. - I don't blame you.
10:37
The woman you ran off with was a mess.
10:39
Did she have a tattoo of Burt Reynolds on her stomach?
10:42
No, she didn't. It's Victor from the Young and the Restless.
10:45
[ Theme From The Young and the Restless ]
10:48
You're comin' with me, you son of a bitch.
10:50
We're married. You got a family to look after.
10:53
Oh. Oh, sorry. No. No, you've got me confused with someone else.
10:56
I'm a Caribbean dancer. The name's Calypso Banana Puffy-Sleeves.
11:00
[ Slider Cocks ] - You call yourself whatever the hell you want...
11:03
but you're my husband and you're comin' home with me.
11:05
Hey, Maurice, I'm gonna have to cancel on you today.
11:07
I'm sorry to make you drive all the way down here.
11:10
Eh, no problem, Mr. Sleeves.
11:12
é [ Calypso ]
11:16
[ Rock ]
11:20
sometimes I think music is the one thing that can save the world.
11:24
Sometimes I think Francine fakes her orgasms.
11:27
Well, through the wall, it sounds like you're slayin' it.
11:29
Thanks, man.
11:31
What's going on in here? - Me and Steve are just hangin'.
11:34
Is that supposed to be part of Steve's punishment?
11:37
Hey, Stan, you think Mom's mad...
11:39
or do you think she's just faking it?
11:41
Nice one. - What does that mean?
11:44
Nothing, dear. Inside joke. You wouldn't get it.
11:46
Apparently she never does.
11:47
Hi-yo!
11:50
[ Scoffs ]
11:55
[ Kids Laughing ]
11:58
Stop running. I'm trying to get the baby to sleep.
12:01
What are you looking at? Don't look at me.
12:03
You speak English? You need a kick in the head?
12:05
Ah, screw it.
12:07
Naydern, I'm, uh— I'm gonna go get some... cigarettes.
12:10
[ Slider Cocks ] - That's the same thing my ex said and he never came back.
12:13
Okay, relax. You're right.
12:15
Oh, my God! Tornado!
12:20
My daddy never came back 'cause I shot him.
12:28
[ Dance]
12:30
Shello.
12:31
Dude, what are you up to right now? - Boring work.
12:34
You need to tell Bullock you're sick and come meet me at the zoo.
12:37
You're at the zoo? Shouldn't you be at school?
12:39
Wow. You sound like a total dad right now.
12:41
Oh, no, no. I'm just saying—
12:43
Look, today's the final day of this amazing gorilla exhibit.
12:46
Don't be lame. - I'm not lame.
12:48
If you're not lame, then meet my ass down here.
12:50
Fine. I'll meet your ass. I'll meet your ass right now.
12:53
That's what I'm talkin' about. Peace.
12:55
[ Cell Phone Beeps ] - Wow. That was an awesome way to get off the phone.
12:59
I said kill them! Kill them all
13:02
Yes, yes! Them too!
13:03
Also them!
13:05
No, not him! That's me.
13:09
[ Knocking ] - What is it?
13:10
sir, I'm not feeling so well.
13:12
Oh, no. Oh, my God. Stan.
13:15
Oh, I'm so sorry.
13:17
I hate that.
13:18
Come here.
13:20
I wish it were me.
13:22
I wish I could just absorb your germs and make my body fight them.
13:26
I-i-i-i think— I think I'll be okay if I just go home.
13:29
Absolutely.
13:31
Whatever you need. Just get better.
13:34
It makes me so angry that little viruses can just traipse in here...
13:39
and treat your body like a playground.
13:42
It-It's all right, sir. I should be better by tomorrow.
13:44
I— I just— I just feel so helpless, you know.
13:47
It's really not that bad.
13:49
Have we displeased you, Almighty God in heaven?
13:53
Do our lives mean nothing to you?
13:55
[ Sobbing ]
14:00
[ Elephant Trumpeting ]
14:03
All right! Stan the man's here!
14:06
Told you I'd be here, didn't I' Who's this guy?
14:09
That's Wilson. He's a total dirtbag.
14:11
Dirt a-bag.
14:14
Wilson's gonna give us the keys to go inside the gorilla enclosure.
14:18
Isn't that amazing?
14:19
I thought we were just gonna look at gorillas.
14:22
I'm not going in there. And honestly, Steve, I don't think you should either.
14:24
That's weak sauce, Stan.
14:26
Do not enter that sauce in the county fair because it is weak.
14:29
I'm going solo, Wilson. Let's do this.
14:32
[ Birds Tweeting, Chirping ]
14:41
It's even more amazing than I— - [ Growls ]
14:43
What's happening, Wilson?
14:45
[ Laughs ] Look at that silly gorilla.
14:48
It's not funny, Wilson.
14:54
[ Panting ]
14:57
[ Grunts ]
15:04
It's kinda funny.
15:06
[ Exhales ]
15:14
[ Grunting, Hooting ]
15:21
I don't like this.
15:22
The zookeeper's here, Steve. Everything's gonna be okay.
15:24
Well, I never said everything is gonna be okay.
15:27
That's a gorilla. I mean, how could you let your son go in there?
15:30
I didn't let him go in. I-
15:32
Look, what happened was, I was at work...
15:35
and he told me to meet his ass down here, so I met his ass down here.
15:42
[ Sucking ] - What's he doing?
15:45
Can't you shoot it with a tranquilizer or something?
15:47
Yeah, if we do, he could seize up and crush the boy.
15:49
We need to wait for Bobo's personal handler. - [ Beeping ]
15:52
Unfortunately, he's at a matinee right now. I hope he picks up.
15:56
[ Cell Phone Rings ]
15:59
[ Sighs ] Is it an emergency? - Shh.
16:01
Well, when was the last time Bobo ate?
16:03
Shh. [ Groans ]
16:05
That long? Oh, this isn't good.
16:07
Excuse me. some of us are trying to watch this porno.
16:11
[ Woman Moaning ]
16:12
[ All ] Ugh!
16:14
[ Crashing ] - [ Child ] Give me that!
16:16
[ Child #2 ] Give It to me! Give it back!
16:17
[ Naydern ] You better not be sleepin' in there!
16:19
Dog's scoochin' on the floor again. You need to squeeze out his butthole.
16:22
Just a minute, baby.
16:25
[ Baby Crying ] - [ Kids Shouting ]
16:26
[ Ripping ]
16:28
Hello. 911?
16:29
[ Police Radio Chatter ]
16:31
You let go of me. I never touched that son of a bitch.
16:35
Yes, you did, Naydern.
16:37
she said she was gonna scissors off my hog.
16:39
We wanna go with our mama. - [ Whining ]
16:41
sorry. You kids are gonna be split up and placed in foster care.
16:44
Wait. You can't keep 'em all together?
16:46
No way. We'll be lucky to find them any homes at all.
16:49
[ Children Crying ] - I want Mama!
16:51
[ Children ] Raji!
16:56
[ Splat ]
16:57
[ Theme From The Young and the Restless ]
17:02
Looks like you've been through some hard times.
17:09
Actually, I was fine until I saw that face of yours.
17:12
It's painful just to look at you.
17:14
[ Gasps ] Oh, my God.
17:16
I think I understand country music.
17:19
[ Guitar ]
17:22
I saw the ugliest woman I ever did saw
17:26
Face like a turnip and an underbit jaw
17:29
Yeah, man! Tell it how it is!
17:32
Inbred from inbreds, then inbred again
17:36
if ugly was pretty, then she'd be a 10
17:39
That sounds just like my wife!
17:41
she was so damn ugly f
17:45
so I got drunk and fucked her in my truck
17:46
Good night! - [ All Cheering ]
17:49
[ Cheering Continues ]
17:52
[ Woman ] Oh, my gosh. He's just a boy.
17:56
It's gonna kill him.
18:00
Hold tight, Steve. The handler's on his way.
18:02
You've been saying that for 20 minutes.
18:04
Steve, I'm coming in to get you.
18:11
That's enough, Bobo.
18:12
[ Snarling ]
18:14
No, Bobo.
18:19
Chill out, Bobo.
18:21
* [ Funeral Dirge ] - Hello.
18:24
Hi, Stan. Just checking to see when I can expect you home.
18:28
Oh, normal time. Everything's normal. Why would you ask?
18:31
Oh, because you and Steve are all over the news right now!
18:35
According to sources, Langley Falls resident Stan Smith, quote...
18:38
"Got his ass down here." end quote...
18:40
to meet his son on a school day.
18:42
You better hope that gorilla kills you before I get there, Stan.
18:46
[ Cell Phone Beeps ]
18:49
Oh, God. What do I do?
18:51
It's a simple waltz, Steve. One, two, three. One, two, three.
18:54
Bobo, I need you to let these people go.
18:56
Bobo's handler. We're saved.
19:00
Not exactly.
19:01
He just said he wants the boy to stay with him tonight.
19:04
I don't wanna die from gorilla sex.
19:07
[ Grunting ]
19:08
[ People Chattering, Murmuring ]
19:12
Looks like there might be a threesome, Steve.
19:14
That's, uh, Rex, Bobo's father. I'm his handler.
19:18
He said— [ Shouting ] "What do you think you're doing, Son?
19:21
You woke me up."
19:23
"I'm just playing, Dad."
19:25
"Look at all the commotion you've caused.
19:27
You think you'll get into a good captive breeding program...
19:30
acting like this?
19:32
Get inside right now."
19:34
"But this boy's father's letting him play."
19:37
"You call that man a father?
19:39
No respectable parent would let their child in here."
19:42
Hey, for your information, Rex, my son and I work better as friends.
19:46
"I'm sure you do.
19:48
Friends don't have to worry about discipline or setting an example.
19:51
It's easy to be a friend.
19:54
That's why kids have lots of them.
19:56
But a father— our kids only get one of those.
20:00
Who are we to take that away from them?
20:06
Now, come along, Bobo.
20:08
You're grounded for three moons."
20:13
"I love you too, Dad."
20:15
[ Crowd Cheering ]
20:16
Oh, Daddy, if you're watching, I forgive you.
20:19
Hey, Tank, ain't that your boy? - What?
20:21
No. No. Uh, that's not my kid.
20:23
That's my son.
20:25
[ Dance]
20:34
He seems pretty cool.
20:39
How crazy was that?
20:41
Put your fist away right now. - Uh-oh.
20:43
You're making up all the schoolwork you missed today...
20:46
plus extra credit. - Yes, sir.
20:48
There you are. How dare you—
20:50
Lie to you and lose all control of my son?
20:52
I'll be able to think about that long and hard...
20:54
while I'm cleaning the gutters and buying you a diamond bracelet, won't I?
20:57
Uh—- Yes, you will.
20:59
Damn right I will.
21:01
I'm going straight to the most expensive jewelry store I can find...
21:03
to buy the most expensive bracelet they got.
21:11
How much for that? - Fifty bucks.
21:17
[Man] Slow,
21:22
Not the meter of today
21:30
But I'm not singing for now anyway
21:39
this slow, slow tune
21:47
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
