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S01E03 Stan Knows Best

02:43 · frame 3908 of 31513

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00:05 Good morning, U.S.A.
00:07 I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11 The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14 And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20 Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24 Good morning, USA.
00:28 [Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:36 Firing pin! - Hammer!
00:38 Breech bolt! - Come on. Easy game. Name the gun part!
00:40 Breech bolt! - Muzzle!
00:42 Point for Steve! Good one, Son.
00:43 Breech bolt! - Steve already guessed it, Klaus.
00:45 Yeah, what are you? An idiot?
00:47 Say that in mein bowl! I dare you! Say that in mein bowl!
00:51 [ Door Closes ] - Wow, Hayley! Some dye job.
00:54 [ Chuckling ] The carpet match the curtains?
00:57 What did you do to your hair? - I dyed it at a Green Party rally.
01:00 You missed family game night for that? Go wash it out!
01:03 You look like a slutty wad of money.
01:05 No way! - Yes way!
01:07 Stan! - She started it!
01:09 It's my hair. I'm keeping it.
01:11 What the hell is wrong with that girl?
01:13 Do I have to smell like B.O. and hump a redwood just to get through to her?
01:16 Stan, I'm sure this green-hair thing is a phase.
01:19 I bet by tomorrow she'll already be over it.
01:21 Something tells me you're right.
01:25 -[ Moans ] - Shh, shh, shh, shh. Sandman's a-calling.
01:29 Shh, shh, shh. That's right. That's right.
01:31 Bigfoot's baking sugar cookies and Santa wants to take you to the Oscars.
01:38 How's everyone's French toast? - Smelly and ungrateful!
01:41 But this American toast is delicious!
01:43 [ Hayley Screaming ]
01:45 Well, Sleeping Beauty's finally up.
01:48 Whoa! Nice dome. You're almost as ugly as Roger.
01:51 I'm not ugly! Am I?
01:54 How dare you! - How dare I? How dare I?
01:59 I'm sorry. I was at the shooting range this morning, and I left in my earplugs.
02:01 Did you say, "How dare I?" - Mom!
02:03 Oh, Stan, how could you? - How could I? How could I?
02:07 Sorry. Backup pair.
02:09 It's okay, honey. You don't look like a giant penis.
02:12 How am I supposed to go to school with no hair? - Already got you covered.
02:15 Wigs? - Not just any wigs.
02:18 These are styled after the most revered Republican first ladies of our time.
02:21 The Barbara Bush, the Nancy Reagan...
02:24 the Maria Shriver— stay tuned.
02:27 Those are terrible!
02:29 Most girls your age have to go through chemo to get a wig this nice.
02:32 Do me a favor. Stay out of my life!
02:35 How do! I look now, Steve?
02:37 Pretty enough for you? Huh? Ah, forget it!
02:40 [Hip-hop ]
02:44 Hey, turn down that rap music! It's a bad influence!
02:47 I swear, yo, shorty be leaning on my last nerve! - Well, what do you expect?
02:51 You shaved her head in her sleep.
02:53 And putting her hand in that bowl of warm water? That was just overkill.
02:57 I wanted to see if it works. It totally does.
03:00 [ Stops ] - Oh, finally.
03:02 Mom, is my wig straight? - Perfect.
03:05 What is that? Horsehair?
03:07 [ Fly Buzzing ]
03:09 [Horn Honking ] - Jeff's here. Later.
03:11 Who's Jeff? - My boyfriend. Don't wait up.
03:14 Boyfriend? How can she be old enough to have a boyfriend?
03:17 She still wets her bed. [ Sighs ]
03:20 Stan, you're so stressed. You want me to make you happy with my mouth?
03:24 Yeah, I guess so.
03:26 [ Blowing Raspberries ] -[ Laughing ]
03:33 Well, that helps a little.
03:35 Stan, maybe you'd feel better if we met this boy.
03:38 Why don't we have him over for dinner so you can get to know him?
03:40 That's brilliant, Francine! Now rephrase it so it sounds like my idea.
03:48 Man, that dance is gonna be a rager!
03:50 Yeah. It's too bad we can't get dates.
03:53 What? Fellas, girls want to get down just as bad as we do.
03:57 Here, here. Watch.
03:59 Hey, foxy. Ohh!
04:01 [All Laughing ] - You got something to say, Barry?
04:04 Easy, Steve. We're just not studs.
04:07 We are the geeks who don't get the choice babes...
04:09 until we're making major cash in our mid-to-late 30s.
04:12 [ Speaking Japanese ]
04:17 No. No, no. You know what?
04:19 Not only am I going to that dance, but I'll bet each of you 20 bucks I also get boob.
04:24 Bring back the bra to prove it? - I'll do you one better!
04:27 I'll wear it back! No. Actually, I'll just bring it.
04:33 [ All Laughing ]
04:35 My surfboard nails me in the head, and I go down like a bag of rocks.
04:38 And just then, my life flashes before my eyes...
04:42 and I'm bored. [ Laughing ]
04:44 [ Laughing ] He's bored!
04:47 Oh, you took us the other way with it, Jeff. Thank you.
04:50 Hey, I just hope one day I, too, have a daughter who's as smart and wonderful as Hayley.
04:54 Oh! Isn't he sweet, Stan?
04:57 He sure is. Next time i'm out of Jolly Ranchers, I'm just gonna suck on Jeff.
05:02 [ Rock ] - Jeff, you were so good at dinner.
05:05 Babe, we're good together. Which is why I was thinking you should move in with me.
05:10 Whoa! It's only been three weeks.
05:13 Besides, I don't think my dad would be too happy with that.
05:15 Babe, your dad digs me. I can tell. He wants us to be together.
05:19 [ Helicopter Hovering ] -[ Muffled Yell ]
05:23 Great. Now it's officially a sausage fest.
05:27 See you tomorrow, fellows. Hey, Sanchez, try to get to work on time for a change.
05:31 [ Laughing ] Hey. No fair.
05:34 Hey, don't make me come up there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you'd better fly.
05:39 Huh. Ah, what a bunch of clowns.
05:42 [ Mumbling, Screams ]
05:44 There. Now you can talk and we took care of that mustache.
05:47 Dad, are you insane? You can't just abduct me like that!
05:50 Hey! Don't you use that word in this house. I "liberated" you.
05:54 And maybe next time you'll think twice before dating the wrong guy.
05:57 There's nothing wrong with Jeff. - Too bad. I forbid you to see him.
06:00 What? - Stan, I'm not sure we should—
06:02 Francine, wait in the car. - What?
06:04 Hayley, this is for your own good. Jeff was much too relaxed at dinner.
06:07 He had the laid-back attitude of a stone man.
06:09 Do you mean a stoner? - Go wait in the car with your mother.
06:12 You can't do this. I'm 18.
06:14 While you're under my roof, you'll live by my rules.
06:17 Dude, this is your house! And you're alive!
06:23 Well, guess what, Dad? I don't have to listen to your rules anymore.
06:26 I'm moving in with Jeff. - What?
06:28 Right on, babe. - Hayley, don't go!
06:32 You get back here, Hayley! No?
06:34 Well, I didn't want to have to use this, but... rhubarb! - Rhubarb?
06:38 Mm. That's her trigger word. I had her brainwashed at five.
06:41 She's supposed to kill Walter Mondale, but I guess it didn't take.
06:47 Come on. Let's go to your place. - This is my place.
06:51 What? You live in your van? - No. We live in our van.
06:55 My mom had me right where you're sitting.
07:03 Jeff, how could you not tell me you live in your van?
07:05 Babe, we did it. We took the plunge.
07:08 Come celebrate on the patio.
07:10 Can we just get out of here? I got to get away from my parents.
07:13 This van is Our pen, and the road is our parchment...
07:16 and together we'll drive a poem across America.
07:20 [ Engine Sputtering ]
07:22 [ Engine Stops ]
07:24 Yep. This is the spot. We are right where we need to be.
07:28 Uh! I got to use the can.
07:33 Oh, Stan, I can't believe our little girl moved out.
07:37 Oh, Francine, you are gonna love this.
07:39 Jeff— Y-You know Jeff— Jeff lives in his van.
07:43 And the piece of junk just broke down right outside. She's not going anywhere.
07:47 Stan, are-are you sure she's safe— - Hey, Hayley!
07:50 At least the last time you ran away, you made it all the way to the stop sign!
07:53 [ Chuckles ] Aw, that's funny. I'm funny.
07:56 Don't egg her on! She'll never want to come back.
07:59 Francine, she hates it in there.
08:01 By morning, she'll be back in bed wearing her footsie pajamas...
08:03 and sucking on her Lion King blankie.
08:05 But she got rid of those things years ago. - Not in here she didn't.
08:11 Oh, Stan, our little girl is back!
08:14 Hey, I didn't order "rude" service.
08:17 Roger, why aren't you in the attic? - Oh, it's so cold and drafty...
08:20 which is great for a Michelob, but I got to sleep up there.
08:23 Oh, yeah. That's good. That's not too bright. That's fine.
08:26 Stan, she's still out there.
08:30 What is she squatting over? Oh, Hayley, that's not how you make coffee.
08:34 Is Roger moving into Hayley's room? - No, he is not.
08:38 Fine. I'll go up to the frigid attic.
08:40 I'm supposed to bring pneumonia back to my home planet anyway.
08:44 Stan, I want my baby girl home. Just go down there and apologize.
08:48 No! No apologies. George W. taught me that.
08:51 I just have to remind her how great life is in the Smith home.
08:54 Babe, keep tonight open.
08:56 Marco and Skye are having a wine and cheese thing in their Tercel.
08:59 [ Bleating ]
09:02 Oh, hi, Hayley. I got you a clown and a petting zoo.
09:05 Sure you don't want to move back in? - [ Horn Honking ]
09:07 Maybe the clown will ride the pig. Man, we're having fun!
09:12 How much longer do! I have you for? - Two hours.
09:15 Go read to my wife. - [ Clucking ]
09:19 [ Growls ] Uhh!
09:23 How's the bra hunt coming?
09:25 Making progress. A girl just groped me with her foot.
09:29 [Girls Laughing ]
09:32 What the heck? Since when does Frankle reel in the babes?
09:35 Oh, he's got the sympathy factor working for him.
09:38 His little brother got his arm stuck in a ski lift, tore it right off.
09:41 Boy, that sucks! - Not for Frankle.
09:44 Sure, girls. I'll judge your kissing contest. -[ Giggling ]
09:49 Good news, Francine. - Hayley's back?
09:52 Even better. Say hello to your new daughter! - What?
09:56 Isn't she beautiful? - Is that a Chinese baby?
09:59 Sure is. Japanese to be specific.
10:01 Stan, I don't want a new daughter.
10:03 Don't you get it? I want my Hayley! [ Sobbing ]
10:07 [ Sniffs ] One of us pooped.
10:13 Hayley, what happened? You used to be so easy.
10:16 Eat your peas, Hayley. - Why?
10:18 So you can be strong enough to fight off President Clinton's sexual advances.
10:22 [ Knocking ] - Oh, there he is right outside.
10:28 Hey, Stan. Did you hear? Sanders just killed his first dictator.
10:31 Well, first he was a U.S. ally, then a dictator.
10:34 Yeah, a dictator. I mean, it's good. I'm happy. - Hey, we got to celebrate!
10:38 Lunch and drinks Friday at the place with the buffet? - Great!
10:41 So, Stan, did Hayley move back in?
10:43 No. And Francine is just devastated.
10:46 I mean, if she's this upset now, what's she gonna be like when Hayley dies?
10:49 Have you talked to Hayley? You know, to let her know how much you want her home?
10:52 Absolutely not! I could never grovel to my own daughter.
10:56 But I think I know someone who could.
10:59 -[ Russian Accent ] Paper or plastic? - Burlap.
11:01 I, too, share your annoying concern for the environment.
11:04 Dad? - No! No, I am former Communist named Petrov.
11:08 Like you, I embrace insane left-wing philosophies...
11:11 which are best discussed in comfort of parents' home. - Dad, leave me alone!
11:14 All right, I've had enough of this. You're coming home with me right now or else.
11:18 Or else what? - That'll be 38.40.
11:22 Hey! - Or else you can't use this.
11:24 Your mother and I gave you this card, and I can damn well take it back.
11:27 Fine. I don't need your money. - Good! 'Cause I'm completely cutting you off
11:31 Petrov, go restock that stuff.
11:33 [ Russian Accent ] Can't Susan do it? I on break in, like, two minutes.
11:39 Thanks for tutoring me. - No worries.
11:41 Hey, did you hear about Frankle's brother losing his arm?
11:43 Yeah. Poor Frankle. I just wanted to hug him and never let go.
11:47 Yeah. Yeah. I remember when my sister had Her accident.
11:52 Oh, did I not mention my sister who was horrifically burned over 98% of her body?
11:57 That's terrible! - Only her taint survived.
12:01 Okay, it's on! You pull this off and I'll convince my parents to let you sleep in here.
12:06 Don't worry. I've been studying all day.
12:08 I even watched Meg Ryan's latest movie where she plays that burn victim.
12:11 She never played a burn victim. - Oh, Meg, honey.
12:15 Kim, meet my sister Hayley.
12:18 Time for your burn cream.
12:20 I hope I don't cry like last time.
12:23 What— What happened? - Oh, I was dating a pool guy.
12:26 And he thought it'd be kinky if we gave each other chlorine massages.
12:30 I went first. Ooh! Mm, that's cooling.
12:33 How awful! -I know! I'm hideous!
12:36 You are so not hideous. - Oh, don't tease me!
12:39 No, really. It's your eyes and the unique shape of your head.
12:44 I think you're beautiful. -[ Clears Throat ]
12:46 Oh, oh. And Steve's been a super little brother.
12:49 Freezing my Snickers, sticking me in the shade outside.
12:52 Steve, that is so sweet. -I know.
12:54 Want to go to the dance? - I'd love to.
12:56 Great! Well, see you, Hayley.
13:00 I am beautiful! [ Laughing ]
13:03 Mm! Uh! Oh! Saw my tushy.
13:13 Impressive, Miss Smith. A lesbian of color couldn't have done a better job.
13:17 I'd give it an "A," if you had paid your tuition. - What?
13:21 But I'm paid up for the semester. Dad.
13:24 There are no free rides here at Groff Community College.
13:27 You have three days to pay your tuition. - A Whole semester's tuition?
13:31 How am I supposed to come up with 85 bucks in three days?
13:34 Welcome to House of Hoagies. Can I get you a sandwich...
13:37 [ Sexy Voice ] with nothing on it?
13:39 [ Rock ] - [ Cheering, Hollering ]
13:41 Hey, waitress, bring me a beer. - I just brought you one.
13:44 Yeah. This one's to drown my crabs.
13:48 Don't worry, doll. It gets easier.
13:51 I'm fine. At least I'm not being exploited like these poor strippers.
13:55 Exploited? Sweetie, these girls are being empowered. - Yeah, right.
14:00 Think about it. All they do is show their breasts...
14:02 and men hand over hundreds of their hard-earned dollars.
14:09 Who's really being exploited here?
14:12 Plus, to quote Camille Paglia, these ladies are sexual conquerors...
14:15 controlling the channel between nature and culture.
14:17 Take it off, bitch!
14:19 Camille Paglia, huh?
14:23 Hey, Stan, everything work out with Hayley?
14:25 No. I had to cut her off like a diseased hand.
14:28 And like any diseased hand, sooner or later she'll come flopping back.
14:31 They always do. - Yep, I got her right where I want her.
14:34 [Man On Speaker ] All right, gentlemen.
14:36 Let's welcome to the stage, Dusty!
14:40 [Man ] Yeah! - [ Cheering, Whooping ]
14:45 Oh, my God! What is she doing?
14:48 Pretending to ride a horse.
14:50 If you want to see a real horse, you got to go to the track.
14:56 Come on. We're all leaving. The girls here are "vugly."
14:59 We can't leave. We just got here.
15:07 [Alarm Blaring ] - Oh, no! Somebody pulled the alarm!
15:10 You know what that means. Dusty, you're on fire!
15:13 And that's a double dance for you! Ha!
15:19 Ow! - How could you let Hayley do this?
15:22 Do what? - Don't play dumb. You know she's stripping!
15:24 Showing people her Ho Hos, her Ding Dongs, her Susie-Q's, her— her, uh, uh...
15:30 Wh-What are those called? Those— The little pink with coconut?
15:33 Th-They're really good. Uh— - Her Snowballs?
15:35 You bastard! - I didn't know she was stripping!
15:38 Don't lie to me, stone man. - For real.
15:40 She said she was out torching SUV's.
15:42 I'd never be cool with stripping. - Really?
15:44 Yeah! I mean, I've dated three strippers, and two of them turned up dead.
15:48 And the cops always go to the boyfriend with the van.
15:51 That's profiling, man. And that's wrong.
15:53 Well, that's the price you pay for the sweet pleasure of van ownership. Let's go!
15:57 [ Doorbell Rings ]
15:59 Kim! Wow, you look great! B-But the dance isn't for two hours.
16:04 Yeah. But I got to be up early for church camp.
16:06 So! I thought we'd fool around beforehand. [ Chuckles ]
16:09 Thank you, Jesus.
16:13 Oh, wait. Can I say hi to your charred sister first?
16:16 I was also thinking some mascara, you know, to draw focus to my eyes.
16:20 You know what else? Some blush would really bring out your cheekbones.
16:23 I love that idea! Paint me! Paint me!
16:33 [ Heavy Metal ]
16:35 Oh, yeah. Who's your daddy?
16:37 -I am! - Dad!
16:39 Blow up many four-runners today? Or did you four-get?
16:43 Jeff, I'll, uh, do the talking. - Let me go!
16:46 Hey, she's not going anywhere! - Yeah? Who's gonna stop me?
16:51 I see. Well, I don't want any trouble.
16:54 Ill just be on my merry little way—
16:57 [ Karate Yell ]
17:01 Hey, Bo Peep. I know where you can find your sheep. In hell!
17:11 Hayley, are you in there?
17:13 I brought some fresh laundry and rinsed out your tinkle can. Hello?
17:20 [ Gasps ] Hayley's working at a booby bar?
17:24 And she traded shifts with Tina?
17:27 What does Tina have to do that's so important?
17:30 Oh, wait. This isn't about Tina.
17:32 [ Gasps ] This isn't about Tina!
17:35 It's never been about Tina.
17:38 Kim, we are running out of time if we're going to, you know, get busy.
17:42 Here I come!
17:45 [ Gasps ] Oh, you look gorgeous!
17:47 Doesn't she look gorgeous, Steve? - Stunning.
17:49 Can I talk to you, Sis? Would you cut it out?
17:52 I should be touching her na-nas right now!
17:54 All you had to do was sit there and be ugly.
17:56 -[ Gasps ] I am not ugly! - Steve!
17:59 Th-That's not what I said. Tell-Tell her, Hayley.
18:01 Or maybe you don't want to stay in this room anymore.
18:04 Kimmy! He wants to lock me in the attic like I'm some kind of disgusting monster!
18:08 Well, you are! - Shut up!
18:10 You shut up! -[Grunting ]
18:13 I never want to see you again, Steve! - [ Door Slams ]
18:17 Roger, I thought we had a deal.
18:19 Rouge can make a fellow do crazy things, Steve.
18:22 Sorry I ruined your plan. - Sorry I called you ugly.
18:26 Well, I guess I'll go let the guys know I'm a loser after all.
18:29 Steve, wait.
18:31 Kimmy loaned this to me.
18:33 Roger, you are beautiful.
18:41 Way to go, Mr. S.
18:44 [ Groaning ] You're so hot!
18:49 [ Air Hissing ]
18:51 Oh, I remember now.
18:54 I was gonna be a civil engineer.
18:58 What are you gonna do? Tickle me to death?
19:11 You're coming home right now! - I don't have to listen to you!
19:14 Stop! just stop right there!
19:17 We've tried doing things your way, and it's only made things worse.
19:20 But she's making so many mistakes. - You sound just like my father.
19:24 He never supported my choices.
19:26 My dad didn't support me either. That's why I started stripping.
19:30 Me too. - Same here.
19:32 Yeah. Plus my uncle touched me.
19:34 I never meant to drive Hayley away.
19:36 Stan, we need to listen to these ho-bags.
19:39 Hayley's gonna make mistakes, but they're hers to make.
19:42 And as parents, the most important thing we can do is be supportive.
19:45 Supportive? Yes.
19:48 Heavy Metal ] -[ Cheering, Shouting ]
19:50 Ooh, yeah!
19:52 Shake it, baby! You will not break it!
19:55 It took me nine months to make it!
19:57 Give me some more singles. - You used to look like that.
20:01 What are you guys doing? - Being supportive.
20:04 Look, I've been treating you like a little girl. And, well, you're a grown woman.
20:08 You made that abundantly clear halfway through that Jay-Z song.
20:11 Oh, come back home, honey. - What do you say?
20:14 Give your old man a second chance. - I'll think about it.
20:18 You have some pretty terrific parents.
20:21 I guess that means you're done here, and you'll be going back home, huh?
20:23 Yeah. Then again, the girls are really nice, and the money's awesome.
20:28 No, I think I'll stay. Hit it, Ron!
20:31 Heavy Metal ] -[ Cheering, Shouting ]
20:34 [ Stops ] - [All Gasping ]
20:37 Oh, man! That's gross! - Yeah. That's the one place you want them to have hair.
20:42 [ All Booing ]
20:46 Oh, I got a good one! - "Quivix?" That's not a word.
20:49 It is on my planet. - Is it a proper noun?
20:53 Damn! -I'm going out with Jeff.
20:55 Hey, be home by 11:00. - Dad!
20:57 Okay. Just be safe. - Thanks, Daddy.
21:01 [ Door Closes ] - All right, you have visual?
21:04 All right, stay three car lengths behind her and check in with me every half hour.
21:09 [Stan ] Yes, I know! She's got a great ass! Stay on it!
21:46 Have a great night!