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As-salaam alaikum.

S02E05 Stan of Arabia: Part 1

19:41 · frame 28753 of 31994

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00:05 [Chorus ] ~ Good morning, USA.
00:10 [ Pigeons Coo ]
00:20 Where's Smith? - He was supposed to meet us here.
00:24 Hey! Gimme a chance to emerge!
00:26 Oh, look. You stained the sleeve! - I'm sorry.
00:28 Oh! Sorry's useful. Sorry's not a Shout Wipe, is it?
00:32 Men, this is the most difficult mission we've ever faced.
00:35 The target? Our boss, Deputy Director Bullock.
00:39 We've got to plan a surprise party...
00:42 honoring his 25 years at the CIA!
00:46 Oh, Ernest and Julio Gallo, you make a glorious wine and a handsome couple.
00:52 Francine! Roger, have you seen Francine?
00:55 Not since she came back from the store with this.
00:57 Look at its magnificent size!
01:00 I'm completely off my ass, and I'm barely down to the label!
01:03 Come on, Hayley! You're goin' to the movies with Jeff anyway.
01:06 Just gimme a ride! - You know the rule.
01:09 [ Sighs ] You're the most environmentally conscious...
01:11 self-actualized feminist in the world.
01:14 And? - And... I'm a douche bag.
01:17 Bye, Dad. We're goin' to see the new Michael Moore documentary.
01:20 Michael Moore? Oh, you mean Michael Bin Laden!
01:24 America is the greatest country in the world!
01:26 Nay, the universe! If that whiny troublemaker doesn't like it...
01:31 he can pack up his admittedly pithy baseball caps and take a slow Prius to Canada!
01:35 Hayley, I forbid you to see that movie! - [ Tires Screeching ]
01:38 Damn! She took my gold card.
01:40 And my lucky condom from 10th grade!
01:43 Hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late.
01:45 There's my clever little shopper.
01:47 Oh, this four-liter jug— screamin'!
01:50 Francine, good news. I'm in charge of planning Bullock's party...
01:53 which means you're in charge of planning Bullock's party.
01:56 It's on Saturday night. - You planned a party for Saturday?
01:59 That's opening night of my play! - Play? What play?
02:02 I'm in the Langley Players production of Beauty and the Beast.
02:05 I play the teapot. It's kind of an important role.
02:08 The teapot is everything!
02:10 Without Mrs. Potts, the Beast would have killed himself years ago!
02:13 I'm sorry. This story is rather personal to me.
02:16 For who could ever love... a beast?
02:19 Francine, this is the first I'm hearing of any play.
02:22 No, Stan. It isn't.
02:23 I aced the play audition!
02:26 Play rehearsals are going well.
02:28 We got the playbills today at the playhouse of the play I'm in!
02:32 "Mama, there's a girl in the castle."
02:34 [In British Accent ] "Now, Chip, I won't have you makin' up such wild stories."
02:37 Uh, I'd hit the you, not the wild. It's better.
02:40 Mmm. Doesn't ring a bell. - Well, too bad. I'm doing the play.
02:44 It's important to me. - And this party is important to me.
02:47 I forbid you to do that play! - You forbid me? Ha!
02:52 Hey! I "forbidded" you!
02:56 [ Michael Moore's Voice ] i'm visiting Sarah Swanson...
02:58 whose husband would still be alive today...
03:01 if her H.M.O. had approved a medically vital operation.
03:07 Hey, that's Angelina Jolie! I thought this was a documentary.
03:11 -[ Crying ] - [ Moore's Voice-over ] Even though I was a journalist...
03:14 I knew I had to comfort her.
03:17 [ Both Moaning ]
03:21 I don't believe it! Michael Moore has sold out?
03:24 Jeff, that's a corn dog! We're vegetarian! - Still?
03:28 God! Is there no integrity left in America?
03:31 Come on, Steve. We're leaving.
03:33 Two more buttons! Two more buttons!
03:36 Usher! There's a little kid, alone, in an R-rated movie! - Aah!
03:40 Oh, no. I'm about to lose my... coverage.
03:50 Francine, hurry up! We'll be late for my boss's party!
03:53 What the—
03:55 Shut the trunk. I'm sneaking into the drive-in.
03:58 Francine, you've gotten so fat!
04:00 Stan! This is my costume for the play!
04:03 Our performance is tonight. - Play? What play?
04:06 This is the first I'm hearing of any play. Go get ready for the party.
04:09 Look, Stan. I don't have to do whatever you say.
04:12 Marriage is an equal partnership!
04:15 [ Door Slams ] - One of these days, Francine! One of these days!
04:19 Right in the kisser!
04:24 [ Chattering ]
04:30 Hey, Agent Smith. Jay Leno. Your boss ready to be roasted?
04:34 Oh, I guess so. I was hoping my wife would show up before you went on.
04:37 Ooh! Wife not here to support you? Guess we know who wears the pants in your fam—
04:42 [ Snaps, Thud ]
04:46 Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Jay. I'm sorry. Wake up. Wake up, funny man.
04:50 Wake up. Wake up, damn you! -[ Snap ]
04:53 Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Jay. I'm sorry.
04:56 Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Jay Leno has come down with a broken neck...
04:59 so i'll be doing the roast.
05:01 Luckily, I have his hilarious jokes.
05:05 Mmm. Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
05:08 Okay, moving on. Uh, funny insult comedy—
05:11 Uh, so you know how Bullock prides himself on knowing everything?
05:15 Well, he didn't know his mother had cancer until it was too late to operate.
05:18 [ Gasps ] -[ Laughs ]
05:21 Ah, what else? Oh, we all Know Bullock's wife is a hostage in Fallujah, right?
05:26 Well, that hasn't stopped him with the ladies. Especially the big 'uns.
05:29 Oh, yeah! He's an Asian chubby chaser.
05:32 [ Chuckles, With Asian Accent ] Oh, him so horny!
05:36 [ Slowly ] So horny!
05:42 Damn it! If Francine had been here, she could have started a wave of laughter.
05:46 Laughter is infectious, like smallpox or gay.
05:49 She wants to be equal partners? Well, I say, "No way!"
05:52 I don't want a partner I want a wife
05:57 someone who's happy taking care of my life
06:02 Where's my Edith Bunker
06:05 Laura Petrie Wilma Flintstone
06:08 would never let Archie go to a party alone.
06:17 I want to go back to a simpler time
06:21 When men were men and women had no say
06:26 Content to love honor and obey ♪ -[ Yells ]
06:29 I want to be greeted with a massage and a martini
06:33 The way master was by his Jeannie I
06:39 don't buy this independence and doing your own thing
06:43 I want a woman to make me feel like a king
06:48 this ship is sinking and I'm swimming for my life
06:54 I don't want a partner. Damn it!
06:58 I want a wife
07:11 Oh, did I just sing my way in here?
07:13 Yes. Please, just take what you want and leave!
07:16 Are we gonna die, Mommy? - Yes, Brandy.
07:21 -I'm not going to fire you, Smith. - Oh, really?
07:23 No. I'm going to promote you.
07:27 It will require you and your family to relocate.
07:30 Relocate?
07:44 Wait a minute! This isn't a promotion!
07:54 All right, everyone stay calm.
07:56 We may be in Saudi Arabia, but that doesn't mean we have to panic or blame your mother.
07:59 Just stay close, so we don't leave ourselves open to an ambush.
08:01 Dad, that is so ignorant.
08:03 Hey, these people are extremists. That's not ignorance. That's fact.
08:07 Quick! Cover your mouths! That's how they enter your body to lay their eggs.
08:13 Bullock can't hold a grudge forever.
08:15 I'll call him every hour until he gives me my old job back.
08:18 I think this is an opportunity to really breathe in a culture that's so different from—
08:22 [Explosion ] - Roll 'em up.
08:25 How come all the women are dressed like ninjas? - They're wearing abayas.
08:28 Saudi women aren't objectified like women in Western cultures.
08:31 The beauty myth doesn't exist here.
08:33 It doesn't exist in Idaho either. Why couldn't we go there?
08:35 Talk about a bunch of dogs.
08:37 Oh, good, a Shwarma King. I'm starving. Pull over, Stan.
08:41 Are you insane? We're not stopping for their food!
08:44 Next, you'll want to use their bathrooms.
08:46 I'll be damned if I'm going to use their sandpapery toilet scrolls...
08:48 on my proud American button!
08:50 Come on! We're hungry! Pull over.
08:52 God, you women are driving me crazy.
08:54 I guess what I want doesn't matter.
08:57 If they have Mr. Pibb, get me a medium!
09:02 Uh, Director Bullock, Stan Smith.
09:04 Calling to apologize about the roast again.
09:06 I only said those things because I was dehydrated and exhausted.
09:10 It happens. Just google Martin Lawrence, plus "arrested," plus "jogging."
09:14 Eh, guess you forgot to unpack me in the car.
09:17 Good thing I remembered to drop a deuce in your nylons, huh?
09:21 I need a drink. Where's the booze?
09:23 There is no booze. Saudi Arabia is a dry country.
09:27 Seriously, where's the booze?
09:29 Francine, I have to report to my new assignment.
09:31 Now, I've installed extra locks on the doors and windows.
09:34 So you won't get beheaded while I'm out. - Stan—
09:36 Way ahead of you. I'll find us a satellite so we can watch lost when I get home.
09:39 Just because we're stuck in this wasteland doesn't mean it's not Wednesday!
09:43 There's no alcohol in the kitchen either.
09:45 I'll look in the closets. You check the pantry.
09:47 Stan, I'm not staying inside all day.
09:49 I'm taking the kids to meet our neighbors. When you get home, we'll all go see the palace.
09:53 Fine. We'll do it your way... again.
09:56 Oh, my God! I am freaking out! I am totally freaking out!
10:03 Yes. Mr. Smith, the C.I.A. told us you'd be coming.
10:06 Your assignment is to protect this oil pipeline.
10:09 Here are the guards you will be supervising.
10:11 This is Ali, Khalid and Fazziz.
10:15 Are you okay? - I'm fine! And quick! Like a cat!
10:18 A cat that could kill you.
10:21 [ Yowling ]
10:27 [ Hisses ]
10:29 [Knocks ]
10:31 Hello, neighbor.
10:33 Hayley, you should meet my eldest son, Mamood.
10:36 He's educated, well-traveled. - He sounds great.
10:40 And this is my son, Rashad.
10:42 Honey, maybe you and Rashad would like to go play.
10:45 Mom, he's, like, eight years old. I'm not a little kid anymore!
10:48 My childhood died on july 18, 2003...
10:51 the day Kobe Bean Bryant was charged with sexual assault.
10:55 Steve— - Why was he even in Colorado in the first place?
10:58 Black men don't go to Colorado.
11:00 Do you want to play guns? - Guns?
11:02 Look, Beave, I stopped playing guns when I— Holy crap!
11:06 Where'd you get all this stuff?
11:08 In the bazaar. You can find anything there.
11:10 Can I get bootleg DVDs, like the new Michael Moore documentary?
11:13 Sure. They have everything. Want to play rebuild Iraq?
11:16 -[ Both] I'm Halliburton! -I called it! I'm Halliburton!
11:19 [ Laughing ]
11:21 My husband can not remember to put the toilet seat down!
11:24 Better than leaving toenail clippings in the sink!
11:27 My Stan is just as bad.
11:29 I guess no matter where you go in the world, marriage is always the same.
11:34 Oh, look! Husband is home!
11:36 How was your day? - Would you like a snack?
11:38 Let me draw you a bath.
11:40 Oh. Huh.
11:47 [ Whistles ] Sweet shot!
11:50 Land mine! Ten points!
11:52 Wow! That looks like a game we play back in America called golf.
11:59 Tell us about America, Stan.
12:01 Have you ever floated to heaven on angel wings?
12:04 Tasted a cinnamon bun fresh from the oven?
12:06 Licked hot chocolate from Santa's beard? That's what America's like.
12:10 Not like here, with the sand and the heat.
12:12 Good Lord! How do you stand the sand and the heat?
12:15 That is why we wear robes. It keeps us cool in hot temperatures.
12:18 Really? I thought it was because your God doesn't believe in pants!
12:23 [All Laugh ] - Stan, what a funny guy!
12:26 Thanks. You know, I once stood in for Leno.
12:28 I don't understand. If you love America so much, why are you here?
12:32 It's a long story. I asked my wife to help me plan this party for my boss...
12:36 and she said no, so— - What do you mean?
12:38 You asked her, and she said no? You mean, you told her, and she obeyed.
12:41 Uh, no. See, she had this play, and, uh--
12:44 Stan, the rules are different here for more than just golf.
12:47 Allow me to explain.
12:51 Here in Saudi Arabia
12:55 [ Gunshot ] - No singing!
12:57 Cheese and rice! Who are those guys?
12:59 They are the police of vice and virtue.
13:02 They make sure everyone follows our country's strict moral code.
13:05 Public singing is illegal in Saudi Arabia.
13:08 This was his third offense. Too bad. He had a lovely voice.
13:12 Wow! It's like the Footloose town times a million!
13:16 You think that's something? Wait till you hear the rules about women.
13:24 Does this furniture polish have alcohol in it? [ Gulps ]
13:29 Mmm. Tastes like I might die.
13:31 Hello, assorted family members. - Wow! Someone's in a better mood.
13:35 I sure am! I was thinking about how you said we should immerse ourselves in the culture.
13:39 -I couldn't agree more. - Great.
13:41 Let's talk in the car. I wanna see the palace before sunset.
13:43 Baby, slow your roll.
13:45 I learned something interesting today. Did you know— Hayley, you'll appreciate this too.
13:49 Do you know women can't leave the home unless accompanied by a man?
13:53 What are you talking about? We all left the house earlier.
13:56 Right. And Steve was with you. In this culture, he's considered a man.
14:00 -I am? - You sure are!
14:02 Also, there's no cursing, dancing, singing, no bars, no movie theaters.
14:06 Oh, and women can't drive or ride bicycles.
14:08 And here's the best rule. The man has final say on everything.
14:13 So, no, Francine. We're not going to see the palace.
14:16 We're going to do whatever I want, and there's nothing you can do about it.
14:19 This is ridiculous! If you don't want to go out, I'll go by myself.
14:23 Francine, I forbid it!
14:25 Yeah? Well, too bad.
14:28 [Knocking ]
14:30 This belong to you?
14:32 Thanks. Just, uh-- Just put her anywhere.
14:39 Morning, honey. - Stan, I've had it. I wanna go home!
14:43 Has Bullock called back yet? - Oh, not yet. I'll keep trying.
14:46 Oh, I invited the fellas over for a feast after work...
14:48 So I figured you could whip something up.
14:51 Or as they say in this country—
14:53 Forget it! You may keep me locked up in this house, but I control what I do in it.
14:58 Or as they say in my country— [ Snaps Twice ]
15:02 Fine, I'll cook it myself
15:05 Now, how do I do this without getting hair everywhere?
15:08 Steve, come on! I'm supposed to meet the neighbor's son in 20 minutes.
15:12 You know the rule. Say it, and I'll escort you to the bazaar.
15:15 [ Sighs ] You're the manliest man in the history of manly men.
15:19 And? - And when you're in your late 30s, you may have a chance...
15:22 at convincing a long-time female friend to have awkward pity sex with you once.
15:26 Oh, yeah.
15:28 [ Chattering ]
15:30 Thanks for bringing me with. There's booze here somewhere. I just know it.
15:34 Oh, dead cow. - Oh, there he is!
15:36 Mamoed?
15:37 Hayley, you are even more beautiful than I imagined.
15:44 [ Gasps ] Who are you? I - am Mrs. Smith.
15:47 Uh, no. I'm Mrs. Smith.
15:50 Ladies, ladies, you're both Mrs. Smith.
15:53 Stan, what on earth? - Surprise! I got us a second wife!
15:57 You know, to help with cooking and cleaning.
15:59 Her name's impossible to pronounce, so I just call her Thundercat.
16:02 What? You got a second wife?
16:05 I love husband. I will serve him in this life and next.
16:09 Look, Francine, it's just the way things are done here.
16:12 Think of her as a full-time housekeeper we don't have to pay...
16:14 or give our out-of-style clothing to.
16:20 Oh, I love Burger King! Don't you?
16:22 Actually, I was thinking more falafel.
16:24 It makes me feel close to America, the greatest culture in the world!
16:30 I spent a semester at A.S.U. in 1995!
16:32 They ranked us the number two party school behind Chico State.
16:36 But we partied so much harder!
16:39 Hey, is Hootie still en fuego?
16:41 Whatever happened with Ross and Rachel?
16:43 That Jennifer Aniston! "Schwing!" Yes?
16:47 I have to go to the bathroom.
16:49 Ooh, Hayley, going to the bathroom.
16:52 The Haylenator sitting on the toilet.
16:56 You. woman! Where is your man?
16:58 Oh, uh, he's—
17:02 Gin is close. My "Tanqueraydar" is going crazy.
17:05 Not to mention my "petronar." Get it? Like sonar.
17:09 Steve, this is me sober!
17:13 Awesome!
17:16 Oh, no. Forty-five foreign money.
17:19 That's really expensive... or a great deal. I should've ordered Mom to gimme some cash.
17:23 Come on, Steve. Baby needs his bottle. Come on, come on, come on.
17:27 Shut up! God, you're annoying.
17:29 How much for the woman? - Woman?
17:32 Oh, no. That's just Rog— Sold!
17:34 [ Yelps ]
17:36 I don't know where you're taking me, but God help you if there's no schnapps.
17:40 Whoa! What do I buy first?
17:44 ♪ [ Rock]
17:51 [Steve]
17:54 Your adorable goat was delicious. I couldn't eat another bite.
17:59 It's all courtesy of Thundercat. - Pretty good.
18:02 Yun-a-dum-dum.
18:03 It is privilege to serve you all.
18:05 I hope you saved room for—
18:07 [ Unpronounceable Word ]
18:13 with caramel sauce.
18:15 For you, as thanks for inviting us into your lovely home.
18:18 You knuckleheads What'd you do?
18:20 Fazziz, was this you? Wow.
18:23 A man dress. It's beautiful!
18:26 In case your God decides to ban pants, huh? -[ Laughing ]
18:32 Back off, Thundercat. - Sorry?
18:34 Don't play innocent with me. Stan's just gone a little native, that's all.
18:39 But he's still my husband, and only my husband.
18:42 I love husband. I will serve him in this life and next...
18:46 as number one wife.
18:48 You can forget it! As soon as Stan talks to his boss...
18:51 we're going back to America without you!
18:54 See that? That's a wedding ring. I'm Stan's only real wife.
18:59 Husband give me ring too. And it has inscription. - Where?
19:05 You wanna dance, bitch? Let's dance.
19:11 [ Ululating ]
19:13 Ooh, catfight! Take her top off Rip it right off Kiss her!
19:18 [ Grunts ]
19:22 [ Groaning ]
19:29 [ Groans ]
19:34 Great. - It's fantastic!
19:36 The color really brings out your eyes. - [Cell Phone Rings ]
19:39 As-salaam alaikum.
19:41 Director Bullock, I'm surprised to hear from you.
19:44 Yes. Well, my sources tell me I may have overreacted to your speech.
19:48 Your assertion was correct. I like big Asian butts, and I cannot lie.
19:52 Therefore, I've decided to give you your old job back.
19:55 [ Laughing ]
19:57 I don't know, sir. I... kind of like it here.
19:59 Like it? Are you mad? What about your family?
20:03 They can't possibly be enjoying it out there!
20:05 My family?
20:08 I'm about to lose my... coverage.
20:11 Aah! -[ Horn Honks ]
20:20 Help! Where are you taking me?
20:24 I appreciate your culture! - Silence, whore!
20:30 My family loves it here.
20:33 Think carefully about what you're doing, Smith.
20:35 If you turn me down now, you're finished!
20:38 You can never come back to the C.I.A:!
20:43 Fine! I don't want to come back to the C.I.A. Or the U.S.A!
20:49 I officially renounce our American citizenship.
20:53 The Smiths are staying in Saudi Arabia forever! - [ Beeps ]
21:01 This is my country now.
21:03 I am... Stan of Arabia!
21:47 Bye! Have a beautiful time!