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S05E07 Phantom of the Telethon

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00:05 Good morning, U.S.A.
00:07 I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11 The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14 And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20 Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24 Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29 [Chorus ] ~ Good morning, USA.
00:35 [Man Announcing ] Live from CIA. headquarters in beautiful Langley, Virginia...
00:38 it's the first ever C.I.A. Telethon!
00:41 With your host Agent Stan Smith!
00:45 Thank you! Good evening, everybody!
00:47 How about a hand for our band? Midget Assassin and the This Doesn't Concern You Orchestra!
00:52 [Audience Applauding ]
00:53 Man, that is some sport coat! - Oh, you like it?
00:57 No, it's great. I just didn't realize your latest assignment was to kill fashion.
01:01 [Rim Shot ] - [Audience Laughing ]
01:03 Folks, it's an honor for me to be working in this studio.
01:05 This is the very soundstage where we faked the moon landing.
01:09 And the jfk assassination.
01:12 No, I'm sorry. This is where we planned the JFK assassination.
01:15 [ Laughing ]
01:19 So a lot of people think that C.I.A. stands for Central Intelligence Agency.
01:24 Not true, folks. Fact is, CIA. actually stands for...
01:27 Stan Smith was born with both male and female genitalia.
01:32 -[ Murmurings ] - That's not what we wrote!
01:35 We don't go blue. That's the lazy man's comedy.
01:38 Balls! - [ Chuckles ]
01:41 Maybe we're working too hard.
01:43 Uh, anyway, you're in for quite a show over the next 12 hours, so give generously.
01:48 Let's kick things off with our very own Langley Falls anchor partners Greg and Terry...
01:52 reenacting the volleyball scene from their favorite movie, top Gun.
01:56 [Applause ]
01:59 [ Rock ]
02:01 [Man] » Movin' in slow motion,', Last line before this frame
02:04 it feels so good,'
02:07 It's a strange anticipation
02:10 ♪ Knock, knock knockin' on wood
02:15 ♪ Funny but it's always the same
02:19 Playing Playing with the boys."
02:22 Francine, you must be so proud of your husband.
02:25 This whole telethon was his idea.
02:27 [ Giggles ] I Know! I'm sure it's gonna be a huge success.
02:31 Godlike? I don't know if I'd go that far.
02:34 Now, I need a moment with my writers.
02:37 What the hell was that genitals joke? - That's not what we wrote.
02:40 You were supposed to say, "CIA. stands for Central Insanity Agency."
02:45 [ Chuckles ] That's good. That's good. But that's not what was on the teleprompter!
02:49 Well, someone must have messed with it.
02:51 I'm gonna go double-check the copy for the "Taliban, Taliban, Tally Me Banana" sketch.
02:55 You really think someone messed with the teleprompter?
02:57 I mean, who would want to sabotage the telethon?
03:00 Sabotage? Oh, no!
03:06 Did you hear? We just captured a new terrorist! Time to torture!
03:10 Oh, yeah! - Yea! I get to strap him to the waterboard!
03:13 I call the car battery! - I want to slather him in oil and make love to him all night long!
03:18 Oh, no. I'm on the phone. Yeah, I'm still here, Mom.
03:21 Stop! We can't torture anyone!
03:24 What's he talking about? We always torture. - We can't afford it.
03:26 I was just on Capitol Hill. The Democrats have completely cut our torture budget.
03:30 [All Gasp ] - They're using the money to teach inner-city kids...
03:34 to read. [ Sobbing ]
03:37 [ Chattering ]
03:39 [ Screams ]
03:41 We'll just have to raise a million dollars and fund the torture program ourselves.
03:45 Luckily, I have a plan.
03:47 We have the biggest keg party this town's ever seen.
03:50 We charge five— no, seven dollars a cup. Girls drink free.
03:55 Uh, sir, I don't think that's gonna work.
03:57 I don't hear you suggesting how to get girls to our party.
04:03 How hard can it be to come up with a million dollars?
04:06 What if! I invent something?
04:08 Paper clips, paper clips—
04:11 Piper claps— Popper clops! Clops that pop your cloppers!
04:16 I think torture is barbaric and inhumane!
04:18 I can't believe you're actually trying to save it!
04:20 Why not? You tried to save Veronica Mars.
04:23 We get it. Girl detectives are bitchier than regular detectives.
04:26 Fart! Not into it.
04:28 You know what show I tried to save? The Ghost Whisperer.
04:31 It's still on. - Really?
04:34 That's it! I've got the idea! Dark bulbs!
04:37 You know, for when it's too bright out.
04:39 [ All Laughing ]
04:41 What? It's a great idea!
04:43 Stan, it's okay. So you're not an idea guy.
04:47 Yes, I am! Remember when I invented that machine?
04:50 Stan, that wasn't a machine. That was a hat.
04:53 I am an idea man, and I'll prove it to you all.
04:56 I just need to get away from all this negativity so I can concentrate.
05:00 Sweet'N High.
05:03 Wheat Thicks.
05:05 Southern Discomfort. - Good, you're here.
05:08 You can either take your socks off now, or I can knock 'em off for ya.
05:11 What are you talking about? - [ Band Fanfare ]
05:13 Live from C.I.A. headquarters in Langley, Virginia...
05:17 it's the first annual CIA. Telethon!
05:21 [ Imitates Crowd Cheering ]
05:23 A telethon? No one wants to run 26 miles!
05:26 Not a marathon, a telethon!
05:29 It's the perfect way for you to raise the money you need!
05:31 That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
05:33 That's what Jerry Lewis said right before he stole my idea. - You knew Jerry Lewis?
05:38 Yeah. Back in the 50s I was his tailor. I shortened his pants. Made him a star.
05:42 One day I said to him, "jer"-- I called him Jer, but not to his face.
05:45 I said, "Jerry, how about you do a long, televised plea for money?"
05:49 Course he did it, and he said it was all his idea. Made me look like a total liar.
05:54 The only one who believed me was Dean Martin. Good old Dino.
05:57 What a sweetheart. Talented, talented greaseball— from Ohio!
06:02 Thanks, Roger. But I don't need your stupid telethon idea.
06:05 I have all night to come up with something.
06:07 Hamburger... Hinderer.
06:13 Guess what, everybody. Bullock loved my telethon idea!
06:17 What? - A telethon? Wow, that is a good idea!
06:20 Way to go, Dad! - Wunderbar!
06:22 -Wait a minute. Your idea? - You should have seen it.
06:25 They were taking away all our torture stuff. Everybody's freaking out.
06:28 And then, like a bolt of lightning, it came to me— telethon!
06:33 I'm so proud of you, honey! How did you ever think of a telethon?
06:37 He didn't! It was my idea! - Yours?
06:40 Yeah. Remember, Stan? We were in the living room, and I said "telethon"!
06:43 Stan, is that true? - Oh, I remember now.
06:47 Thank you! - Yeah. You said "marathon," and that's what got me to telethon.
06:51 Oh, marathon. - That's why Roger got confused.
06:54 Oh! A marathon's a terrible idea.
06:56 No, no, no! The telethon was my idea!
06:59 Stan, tell 'em the truth, or they're gonna think I'm a liar!
07:02 That spaceship sailed a long time ago!
07:04 [ All Laughing ]
07:06 Get it? Because he's an alien! - Or so he claims.
07:09 [All Laughing ] - He's simply not credible, and I am apparently.
07:14 I let Jerry Lewis live. I think we all agree that was a mistake.
07:18 But I'm not gonna be branded a liar again!
07:21 Mark my words. This time, I will be avenged!
07:28 Please call me when dinner is ready!
07:34 Of course. It's Roger!
07:36 He's trying to ruin the telethon because I didn't call him when dinner was ready!
07:40 [ Band Fanfare ]
07:42 [ Phones Ringing ]
07:44 Klaus, did that teleprompter mishap hurt us?
07:46 Well, the donations slowed down a little, but things are starting to pick up again.
07:50 Good. We can still meet our goal. I just have to make sure nothing else goes wrong.
07:55 So anyway, what happened after you slathered him in oil? Did he like that?
07:58 Hey, everyone! Look who just wandered in...
08:00 from their tree house in the Appalachian wilderness.
08:03 It's the amazing Buckle and Sherry! [ Band Fanfare ]
08:08 Honey, I've been meaning to ask you for a... separation!
08:12 Like you could survive five minutes without me!
08:14 What kind of man puts his wife in a box and cuts her up?
08:17 I'm just trying to create a sense of wonder!
08:21 You know what I wonder? Why I didn't listen to my mother!
08:23 "Don't marry a mountain-man magician." That's what she said.
08:26 I joined a synagogue for you! Just do the trick!
08:31 Oh, you want to do a trick? Here's a trick. Put a baby in me!
08:34 Sherry and Buckle! - It's Sharri!
08:37 You know, folks, we're having a lot of fun tonight. But let's remember why we're all here.
08:42 This is a terrorist! - [All Gasp ]
08:45 They call him the Common Garden Snake of Rumallah!
08:49 -[ Man Clears Throat ] - It sounds much scarier in Arabic.
08:53 Snake, do you have information vital to this nation's security?
08:56 I do, Stan, yes, very much.
08:58 And will you share that information with us willingly?
09:01 Willingly? [ Chuckles ] No!
09:03 This is why we need to fund the C.I.A. torture program.
09:07 We have just over nine hours to raise the one million dollars...
09:10 or those repo men will take away our torture equipment forever.
09:14 Operators are standing by.
09:16 And now, black music!
09:18 [ Cheering, Applause ]
09:20 »' [ Disco: Man Singing, Indistinct ]
09:25 I'm so proud of you, Stan. I really underestimated you.
09:29 i'm a man of action. A man of ideas.
09:36 [ Roger's Voice ] "Dear Stan. Admit you're the liar, or my reign of terror will continue.
09:41 "Signed the Phantom of the Telethon— Roger.
09:45 "P.S.: When you give me credit, refer to me as Roger.
09:48 "Thanks. The Phantom—
09:50 Roger."
09:57 So, down the gauntlet has been laid.
10:00 Lain? Laid.
10:03 Delivery for the Phantom of the Telethon.
10:06 Oh, my God! My pipe organ! Yea!
10:09 This is what I'm supposed to play maniacally down in the catacombs?
10:12 Oh! What'd you think you were gettin' for 39.95?
10:15 No, no! This is totally unaccept—
10:17 disco [ Beat ] - Ohh! eat]
10:20 [ Classical ]
10:22 Yeah, I can work with this.
10:25 [ Band Fanfare ]
10:27 [ Cheering ]
10:30 Welcome back to the C.I.A. Telethon.
10:32 Folks, we still have a long way to go to reach our goal, so we need your pledges.
10:36 Smile and look to camera "B."
10:38 You know, sometimes torture doesn't go quite the way you planned. Let's watch.
10:43 [Film Projector Whirring ] - [ Lighthearted ]
10:48 -[ Laughing ] - [Laughter ]
10:53 -[ Laughing ] - [Laughter ]
10:56 -[ Groans ] -[ Laughing ] - [Laughter ]
11:00 [ Funk ] - [All Gasp ]
11:03 Cut! Cut! I'm sorry, folks. I have no idea how that tape got in there.
11:07 [ Roger's Keyboard: Disco Classical ]
11:13 Uh, play something! ~ [Jazz Pop]
11:19 What the hell was that?
11:21 Honey, that's what you have to do after a man takes you to a fancy dinner.
11:25 N-No. I mean, why was it shown?
11:27 Well, I-I'll tell you why. Because Roger's still clinging to the fantasy...
11:32 that this telethon was his idea, and now he's trying to ruin it!
11:35 Steve, Hayley, I need you to find him and stop him.
11:38 I better get the security guard. I'm not searching that basement unless I'm accompanied...
11:42 by an armed stranger who failed the psychological test to become a cop.
11:51 Here's the intro for the circus bear, Mr. Smith.
11:54 "Some acts are too hot.
11:56 "Some acts are too cold.
11:58 This act is just right." Oh, like Goldilocks.
12:02 Part of me thinks people will be confused because there's only one bear.
12:06 You're overthinking it!
12:09 irene Grossbard.
12:12 irene Grossbard.
12:15 I really mean it
12:17 irene Grossbard
12:21 Okay. That was Gretchen Grossbard with a tribute to her sister...
12:24 Irene... Grossbard!
12:28 Folks, we gotta do better than this.
12:30 You know, the C.I.A. has captured a lot of bomb makers.
12:33 Well, it's time for you to set off the biggest bomb of all— the one in your hearts.
12:37 [ All] Aww!
12:40 Let's keep the show goin'. Some acts are too hot.
12:43 Some acts are too cold.
12:45 This act is just right.
12:50 Joke killer. He's a joke killer.
12:52 Please welcome Boris the Russian circus bear.
12:56 #o [aunty]
13:04 [Creaking ] -[ Tires Squealing ]
13:07 Something is wrong! - [ Growls ]
13:10 [ Crashing ] - [Crowd Gasps ]
13:12 [ Boris Groans ]
13:14 Itty-bitty brake line is cut.
13:18 [ Keyboard: Disco Classical ]
13:20 All part of the show, folks. Everything's fine. Music, Frodo. Music!
13:23 [ Latin Pop]
13:29 Hayley, what the hell happened?
13:31 We were looking for Roger when somebody hit me on the head. When I woke up, Steve was gone.
13:36 Wait. What would Roger want with Steve?
13:38 Hmm? What the hell?
13:40 Do not fear me, fair maiden.
13:43 Though my outward appearance may repulse thee, I assure you my intentions are most pure.
13:48 What are you doing? - The Phantom welcomes you to his home.
13:51 Sheez, it stinks in here! And why am I in a dress?
13:55 I'll thank you to hold your criticism, my darling.
13:58 Ah, the hell with this! - Steve? Steve, come back here!
14:02 I am trying to do something!
14:04 Ladies and gentlemen, the United States may be the greatest nation in the world.
14:08 But do you know what the second-greatest nation is?
14:10 [I Man ] El Salvador! - No, not Mexico.
14:13 The second greatest nation is donation. Won't you all become citizens?
14:18 Now, let's go to a real good novelty today—
14:21 Jeff Fischer and the Jeff Fischer Hacky Sack Attack!
14:25 One, two, three. Woo-hoo!
14:29 Thank you, Langley!
14:34 What? You want more?
14:38 All right! One, two—
14:43 [Audience Gasps ] - [Roger Cackling ]
14:56 Oh. Really thought we were gearing up for a much more satisfying chase. But this—
15:01 Roger, I'll kill you! -I'm not Roger! I'm the Phantom!
15:05 [ Gasps ] Roger! - Well, yeah. Who did you— What?
15:08 Well, anyway, you'll never stop me!
15:13 There you go again, stealing my idea.
15:16 Well, until you tell the family this telethon was my idea, I've got havoc to wreak!
15:22 Wreck? Wreak. - It ends now!
15:25 Ha! You can't stop the Phantom!
15:28 These riggings and catwalks are my domain! And I am their master!
15:33 [Screaming ]
15:35 [ Groaning ]
15:40 [ Groans ]
15:43 [ Groaning Continues ]
15:47 [ Screaming ]
15:52 All right, all right! I give up! But it doesn't matter!
15:55 I've already destroyed this telethon!
15:59 And untied your bow tie! - No!
16:02 You've given me a relaxed demeanor!
16:05 Oh, my God! Is that a bomb?
16:07 You planted a bomb? - What the hell are you talking about?
16:11 That's enough C-4 to blow up this entire building!
16:13 Disarm it! - Stan, it's not mine.
16:16 All I did was change the teleprompter, cut the bear's brakes...
16:18 release the terrorist, drop a fishing boat on Jeff Fischer—
16:21 Wait. You released the terrorist?
16:23 He's an explosives expert! We'll never be able to disarm it!
16:26 Oh, my God! Stan, I Know exactly what to do.
16:29 Put me down.
16:31 [I Dramatic Sting ]
16:35 Let's try that on the fart setting.
16:37 Farting I ]
16:42 I don't know. It's funnier, but I think it takes out some of the tension.
16:49 How could you release the Snake? He's a master bomb maker!
16:53 Me? [ Chuckles ] I don't know about "master." I make a nice bomb.
16:57 All right, Snake! The jig is up!
16:59 Um, uh—
17:03 Prepare to meet your Mecca!
17:07 Fine. Go ahead and kill me now.
17:09 Once the ticking clock on your tote board counts down to zero...
17:12 this whole building will be blown to smithereens!
17:15 Good God! I've got to evacuate the building!
17:18 Not so fast. I've rigged the exits.
17:20 I've also rigged the elevator shaft, the air ducts...
17:23 the little window in the bathroom—
17:26 I've seen a lot of movies.
17:28 When you're forbidden to drink, dance, or touch yourself, your afternoons are pretty free.
17:32 You can't touch yourself? How do you masturbate?
17:34 Ill give you the code to disarm the bomb.
17:36 But first, you will have to meet my demands.
17:38 -I don't negotiate with terrorists! - Oh, really?
17:41 Have you ever bought a mattress?
17:43 Fine! What are your demands?
17:46 I have something I want you to tell the world.
17:50 Hello. I'm the United States.
17:53 [ Feminine Voice ] And I'm Israel. With you behind me, I can do whatever I want.
17:57 Well, I want you.
17:59 Take me! [ Feminine, Masculine Moaning ]
18:03 No! This is wrong! We both have the same father— Satan!
18:06 Uh! I don't care! [ Moaning Continues ]
18:10 Oh, God! Ohh, God!
18:12 Oh, Judeo-Christian false God! - [Man Coughs ]
18:15 All right. I did your little play, and it was intoxicating.
18:18 If you have anything else I'd be right for, please keep me in mind.
18:21 In the meantime, I need you to disarm the bomb!
18:24 Oh, that? No, no. I was lying. I was never going to disarm the bomb.
18:27 You bastard! - You're mad at him for lying?
18:30 You guys are enemies! Of course he lies to you.
18:33 But you're worse. You stole my idea and lied about it to your own family.
18:37 Oh, my God! You're right!
18:40 Lying is wrong!
18:42 I'd know that if only I'd paid attention to anything that's ever happened to me before.
18:45 It's not too late to tell everyone the truth, Stan.
18:49 Oh, what's the point? We're about to die.
18:51 I don't want "I'm a liar" to be the last thing I say to them.
18:54 It doesn't have to be the last thing.
18:56 What if I save us all? Then will you tell them the truth?
18:59 Roger, you save my family, and I'd be honored to redeem your good name.
19:04 Excuse me. Does this have dairy in it? Because if you want to see a real dirty bomb—
19:09 [ Laughs ] give me something with dairy in it!
19:11 [Roger Groaning ] - No, no, no.
19:14 Let the truth be told! What's the code to disarm the bomb?
19:17 i'll never tell! [ Groaning ]
19:19 [ Show Tune ]
19:23 [ indistinct Shouts ] - [ Clattering ]
19:25 Leapin' lizards!
19:29 This is annoying! Hey! - [ Keyboard: Discordant Notes ]
19:33 Hey! - Wait a minute.
19:35 I think I know how to save us and the C.I.A.
19:38 Ladies and gentlemen, we've had a lot of fun tonight.
19:41 But when that clock runs down, this building will explode.
19:43 [All Gasp ] - Yeah, you should be concerned.
19:46 Because that's the only man who knows the code to disarm the bomb, and he's not talking.
19:50 And he's not talking because we can't torture him!
19:53 Sure, he can be beaten by amateurs, like that oddly proportioned fellow in the cape.
19:57 -[ Groans ] Come on! - [ Group Humming ]
19:59 But we're never gonna get any answers that way.
20:01 We need the money to fund official unofficial C.I.A. torture.
20:05 We're counting on your generosity.
20:07 [ Phones Ringing ] - Stan, it's working! The phones are ringing off the hook!
20:11 [ Dinging ]
20:13 That's it, folks! Give till it hurts...
20:15 - Him! [ Groaning ]
20:18 We have the money! - Quick! Get the equipment.
20:23 Hold this up!
20:25 [ Snake Grunts ] -[ Groans ]
20:27 [ Machinery Whirring, Buzzing ] - [ Snake Screams ]
20:30 The code is 1-2-3-4-pound!
20:36 The bomb is disarmed! - [Cheering ]
20:39 That's what I'm gonna say when I disarm the bomb! - Roger!
20:47 The arm is disbombed! Damn it.
20:50 [ Cheering, Whooping ]
20:56 [ Groans ]
20:58 So, now you can tell Francine and the kids I'm not a liar.
21:01 Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
21:03 Well, that's our show, folks. If you're interested in learning more about torture...
21:06 follow an immigrant into your local police station.
21:09 Good night! [ Groans ]
21:11 [ Keyboard: Discordant Notes ]
21:45 Bye. Have a beautiful time!