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S05E18 Weiner of Our Discontent

03:03 · frame 4403 of 31483

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00:05 Good morning, U.S.A.
00:07 I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11 The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14 And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20 Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24 Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:28 [Chorus ] ~ Good morning, USA.
00:32 [ Rock And Roll]
00:39 Hey, bucko, that's my seat. - Not anymore.
00:42 See, I'm more important than you. I have got some big stuff going on. Big stuff.
00:47 Now I'm gonna flick your tie.
00:49 You're titillated, aren't you?
00:51 But it's the 50s, and you don't know what to do with those feelings.
00:54 Meet me in the bathroom. i'll drill a hole between the stalls. -[ Whirring ]
00:58 [ Disco]
01:03 Excuse me. I'm gonna take your free game. I'm that important.
01:07 I got some big stuff going on.
01:09 Now, watch me play. I suck, but I do my own sound effects.
01:12 [Imitating Pinball Sounds ] -[ Clacking, Beeping ]
01:17 [Alternative Rock ]
01:19 Refill. -I'm sorry. We don't give refills.
01:23 Oh, I see. You don't know who I am.
01:25 I can't talk about it, but I have got some big stuff going on.
01:28 Now, fill it up. That's right. I'm important.
01:32 [ Slurping ]
01:34 Man, caffeine doesn't affect me at all.
01:38 /can do anything! [Yelling]
01:45 Dinner's almost ready. I'm doing one of Rachael Ray's 30-minute meals.
01:49 But I'm saving 10 minutes by not being all fake and smiley.
01:53 Man, work sucked today.
01:55 I got passed over for the Chávez assassination— again.
01:58 Another assassination season stuck doing inventory with Mitchell.
02:02 [ High Voice ] "Call me Mitch." [ Normal Voice ] Stop trying so hard.
02:04 Anyway, everything will be okay as soon as I have this delicious—
02:08 [ Slurping ] Mmm. Nice.
02:14 Hmm. Ta-da! - Roger!
02:16 Look, Stan, I had a long day too, you know.
02:19 It's exhausting having so much big stuff.
02:22 Big stuff going on. Yes, I know. We've all heard it.
02:24 Well, that's because it's true. I am pretty important. I need this.
02:28 I have a lot going on here on Earth. - You know what? Just stop.
02:31 I am sick to death of you acting like you're the most important person in the world...
02:35 when the truth is— - Oh, here comes the truth from Stan.
02:38 The truth is— - Everybody make way for Stan, coming through with the truth.
02:41 The truth is— - Here's the truth, coming at you live via Stan.
02:44 Roger, shut up! The truth is you're nothing but a worthless sack of fat ass.
02:49 [ Gasps ] - You're lazy, you're a chubbo, you lie, you cheat...
02:51 you eat all our food, you're a drunk, you never wash your wigs...
02:54 but you strut around like you're Mary, Queen of Scots, Brangelina and Jesus all rolled into one.
02:58 Well, you're not. You're a big fat nothing.
03:02 Okay. All right.
03:05 Well, that's it. You did it.
03:08 The real truth is I do have big stuff going on, and here it is.
03:13 -I'm... the Decider. - The Decider?
03:17 I was sent here on a top secret mission...
03:20 to decide if the people of Earth should live or die.
03:23 And what you just said there, you crossed the line, buddy. I've decided.
03:27 [ Laughs ] The Decider? Well-Well-Well, what is that...
03:31 some new Lea Thompson legal thriller on Lifetime?
03:33 Let me guess. She's a judge, she has a hard time dating, she rides her bike to work.
03:37 I've decided, Stan. I'm going to my Fortress of Solitude outside Roswell...
03:42 and sending a message to my people to blow this dump of a planet up.
03:45 You-You're going to Roswell to blow up Earth? Right now?
03:48 Yes. - Great. I'll come along.
03:50 Good. When I bend over to push the button...
03:52 my ass will be the last thing you ever see.
03:55 I'm gonna go brush my teeth, and then we'll go send the signal.
03:58 Because of you, bitch, call your mother and tell her you killed her.
04:00 i'll do that. Thanks. [ Laughing ]
04:03 Stan, come on. You hurt his feelings, so he made some stuff up.
04:08 Don't make Roger go all the way to Roswell...
04:10 just to call him on his baloney.
04:12 Sorry, Francine, but he asked for it.
04:14 I'm tired of him walking around here like he's— like he's King Poop all the time.
04:19 Is that really what you wanted to say? - No.
04:27 Look at me. I'm a walrus. [ Wailing ]
04:31 [ Laughing ]
04:35 Huh. I guess he went to the bathroom to laugh in private.
04:38 No. He went to get his sister. - Oh, hey, Akiko.
04:41 [ Speaking Japanese ]
04:46 Toshi is greatly offended.
04:48 Those chopsticks were carved from the femur of our great-grandmother.
04:51 Yech! Gross!
04:52 [ Speaking Japanese ]
04:57 Until now, Toshi has stoically tolerated your boorish jokes.
05:01 But no more. - Akiko, listen—
05:04 [Shouting In Japanese ] - Do not interrupt!
05:06 [Speaking Japanese ] - Toshi issues a challenge.
05:08 [Japanese ] - You will compete in the arena of your choosing.
05:12 [ Japanese ]
05:16 The loser will switch to the later lunch period...
05:18 so you never have to eat together again.
05:20 [Japanese ] - Unless you care to apologize.
05:24 What? Apologize for being hilarious? Never.
05:28 Very well. Come to our house tomorrow to choose your challenge.
05:34 Anyone else get a boner when Akiko slapped me?
05:39 Uh, me neither. [ Chuckles ] Got to go.
05:41 Hey, you know what's funny? Walking like a gorilla.
05:44 [ Hooting ]
05:49 [jet Engine Roaring ] - Hey.
05:51 Why can't you send your pretend message to blow up Earth...
05:54 to your home planet on your cell phone?
05:56 It's not pretend, butt-face.
05:58 [Woman On P.A. ] Southwestern Airlines would like to welcome all of its passengers...
06:01 in boarding group "B." - What? I'm a "C." How'd you get a "B"?
06:04 Printed it at home while you were packing.
06:06 You know what? Good. Enjoy your "B" boarding pass...
06:09 'cause you're gonna "be" obliterated.
06:12 [ Laughs ] I got him good.
06:14 Did you hear that alphabet humor, Arab guy?
06:16 See, you can't make jokes. You make a joke, you get thrown off the plane.
06:19 Sad, but that's the world we live in now.
06:28 Woman On P.A. ] Now boarding group "C" and higher.
06:31 Oh, sorry. There's no more room on the plane. You're going to have to check your bag.
06:35 Can! I put it on my lap? - No.
06:37 But I wanted to go straight from the airport to my Fortress of Solitude.
06:40 I don't wanna have to wait for lug— You know what?
06:42 It doesn't matter. I got bigger things on my plate.
06:44 Much, much bigger things. - Hmm.
06:51 Comfy there, Mr. Decider?
06:54 [Snoring ] - [ Rock ]
07:00 [ Snoring Continues ]
07:02 [ Grunting, Sighs ]
07:06 Sir, my seat won't go back. - Yeah. That one's broken.
07:08 But I have a bad back. -Hmm.
07:11 Behold my Fortress of Solitude!
07:16 [Stan Whistles ] impressive.
07:20 Afternoon, sojourners.
07:22 Strawberry Coors? It's something I invented.
07:25 I take a regular Coors and I drink it through a Twizzler, you see.
07:29 [ Slurping ] - I really like your roommate. Nice touch with the rolling.
07:34 Don't wanna open the door too wide and let Disability Check Dan over there see your...
07:38 Fortress of Solitude.
07:41 Oh, good Lord. It's real.
07:43 You know, Stan, it's too bad. I actually liked Francine.
07:46 The rest of them can suck it, but Francine I'm sorry to see die.
07:50 Roger, we— we joke a lot, me and you. - [ Beeping, Whirring ]
07:53 But you know that deep, deep in my heart I've always loved—
07:56 Too late, Stan. You've sealed your fate. And now—
07:59 [ Engine Powering Down ] - Something's wrong.
08:02 What the— Why isn't this—
08:04 "Dear humans who discover this wreck, please disregard it.
08:07 "We crashed this ship into your planet...
08:10 "to test new safety features...
08:12 "because we care about our customers.
08:14 "The alien inside is merely a crash-test dummy...
08:17 who most likely died upon impact."
08:21 Crash-test dummy? But they told me—
08:24 [Laughing ] The Decider. That is classic.
08:28 I'm loving this. [ Laughing ]
08:33 No. No. This can't be.
08:35 Excuse me, gentlemen.
08:37 If I just found out I'm the Lindbergh baby...
08:40 whom do I tell?
08:44 [Laughing ]
08:50 [ Laughing Continues ]
08:53 [ Laughing Continues ]
09:00 [ Laughing Continues ]
09:03 [ Body Hits Floor ] - [ Laughing Continues ]
09:05 [Laughing Continues ]
09:11 [ Laughing Continues ]
09:18 I'm sure by now Toshi's realized...
09:21 that he's the one who owes me an apology...
09:23 for making me put part of his great-grandmother in my mouth.
09:26 [ Doorbell Rings ] - I had Japanese great-grandma once.
09:28 I had the Shintos for a week.
09:30 [Stan Laughing ] - Thank you!
09:35 [ Door Closes ]
09:41 Choose your method of challenge.
09:43 Each character represents an ancient Japanese ritual.
09:48 Very well.
09:54 So it is chosen.
09:57 Wait. What did I choose? - Hot dog eating contest.
09:59 [Gong]
10:01 [ Yells ]
10:07 I'm screwed, man. I can't beat a tiny Asian boy at eating hot dogs.
10:11 Well, you better start training.
10:13 You don't wanna switch to the later lunch period.
10:15 That's when the guy with the milky eye starts mopping up around the tables.
10:19 Why do they make eye patches if not for that exact situation?
10:23 Maybe he can't afford one. - See, now I'm bummed out.
10:27 [ Stan Laughing ]
10:30 Roger, how was Roswell?
10:32 -[ Laughing ] - What happened?
10:36 Well, for the last 70 years, Roger thought he was the Decider of humanity.
10:40 But it turns out he's just a crash-test dummy.
10:42 Oh, the poor thing.
10:44 Poor thing, please. Trust me. He'll shake it off in an hour.
10:51 [ Groans ]
10:53 [ Knocking ] - [ Francine ] Roger? Will you please come out?
10:56 We made your favorite meal—
10:57 roast squab with a burgundy pine-nut reduction and truffle risotto.
11:02 And toasted brioche? - Of course.
11:06 Well, there's a place set at the table if you change your mind.
11:15 Okay, Roger, you can do this.
11:17 Just pick yourself up and start anew.
11:20 [ Inhales ]
11:22 [Stan] Oh, look who decided to come to dinner.
11:25 [Crying ]
11:31 Roger? Hey, little guy.
11:34 Want a waffle?
11:37 [ Laughs ] He's coming in. Look.
11:44 [ Chewing ]
11:46 Roger, it's okay.
11:48 Stan didn't mean any of those things he said.
11:50 [ Sighs ] No. He's right.
11:53 I'm not the most important person on Earth.
11:56 I have no special purpose.
11:58 Don't say that. There are lots of things to do besides blow up Earth.
12:02 Maybe you could get a job.
12:04 You know, do something with your life. - I guess.
12:06 Are my hot dogs ready, Mom? - Wouldn't you rather have a waffle?
12:10 No, ma'am. Only hot dogs until the day of the showdown.
12:17 [ Gulps ] Thanks again for teaching me how to tame my gag reflex.
12:21 [ Roger, Francine, Hayley ] You're welcome.
12:23 Hot dogs, huh? I like hot dogs.
12:25 Maybe I'll get some sort of hot dog related job.
12:28 Oh, you mean like making hot dogs or selling hot dogs?
12:31 I don't know, Francine! I just had the idea!
12:33 Will you let me think for just one moment?
12:35 God, I come up with good ideas, and you needle me with questions.
12:38 Probably something supervisory in the distribution department.
12:40 There you go. I Knew I'd think of it if you gave me a moment.
12:49 [ Exhales ] You did it, Roger.
12:51 Assistant regional distribution manager for Hotdog Hauss.
12:55 On your way back to the top.
12:57 Hey, I need you to refill the ink in this stamp.
12:59 Can I decide what color? - No. It's red.
13:02 Hey, Roger, there's a new Hotdog Hauss in Chimdale.
13:05 And you need me to decide how many hot dogs to send them for their grand opening?
13:08 No. Just letting you know that our company's growing.
13:11 Hey, Roger, we got a bad batch of hot dogs here.
13:13 Nitrate level in 'em is lethal.
13:15 Make sure they get thrown out, would ya?
13:17 You mean, I'm in charge of something?
13:20 Yeah. Sure. You're, uh, president of throwing out bad wieners. Congratulations.
13:25 Lethal, huh?
13:28 The Decider is back.
13:34 Bathroom material. This V.I.P. has to V.I. pee-pee.
13:39 Yeah, I do it sitting down, 'cause comfort is king, and! I have no wang.
13:44 What the hell? I was reading that. - I'm sorry, Stan...
13:46 but I have got some big stuff going on.
13:49 I'm gonna take this in case I get cold on the toilet.
13:53 Here we go again. He gets a crappy job...
13:55 and he's acting like he owns the world.
13:57 You know what? I'm going down to that hot dog place tomorrow...
14:00 and I'm setting that weirdo straight.
14:02 Do you really think it's worth taking all these sick days...
14:04 just to make Roger feel bad?
14:06 I got it covered. I told them you had a baby.
14:08 Oh. This is from Jackson.
14:10 Che Guevara?
14:12 Is this supposed to be hip? He was a murderer.
14:14 Just put her in it one time when you bring her to the office.
14:17 I guess.
14:23 Stan, you came to see me at work, like a wife.
14:28 Oh, I just stopped by to show you something.
14:30 I downloaded this chart of Hotdog Hauss's corporate structure.
14:33 Look. There's the parent company.
14:35 There's the subsidiary. There's the branch of Food Co. that presides over Hotdog Hauss.
14:39 There's Hotdog Hauss. There's East Central Division. There's this warehouse.
14:42 And this tiny little box here is you.
14:45 Still feel important? - Yes, I do.
14:47 Because I have some big stuff going on.
14:50 No, you don't. You have nothing.
14:52 So stop acting like a big shot. - Okay, Stan.
14:54 I'll let you in on a little secret.
14:56 You see, I found these dogs so full of nitrates that each one can kill a man.
15:01 I call them "death dogs." And I'm in charge of them. Me.
15:04 What are you talking about? - Anytime I want, I could let out some bad wieners.
15:09 See, Stan? I'm the Decider again.
15:11 Oh, yeah? Well, where do you keep these alleged death dogs?
15:15 Well, they're not here. They're someplace safe, someplace you'll never guess.
15:20 The last place you would ever think to look.
15:22 No, no. No, don't look in the fridge. They're not in there!
15:27 Huh. They're not in there. - They're not?
15:30 Oh, boy. Okay, let's think. Who could have taken them?
15:32 Francine took them to Steve's hot dog eating contest.
15:35 Damn it, Roger. What have you done?
15:37 Do you know what this means? - Of course I Know what this means.
15:40 I just missed my chance to sing "Who Let the Dogs Out?"
15:43 It would've been perfect a moment ago.
15:45 You know who would have really appreciated it? Steve.
15:47 Too bad he's probably dead.
15:53 You idiot! You may have killed my son!
15:56 There's still time. Now, where did Steve say the hot dog contest was?
16:00 God, I don't know. He must have told me a thousand times.
16:03 -I know. Me too. - I totally-- I just zone out when that kid is speaking.
16:07 Well, you have to. It's the only way you can get through dinner.
16:10 Um, Steve's at Toshi's house. That's where the hot dog eating contest is.
16:14 What? Why didn't you say something before?
16:16 Daddy and Roger were fighting, and I got scared.
16:18 So hopefully you'll pick up this voice mail before you eat a hot dog.
16:22 And if not, if you're listening to this from heaven, I love you, kiddo.
16:27 Well, I warned Toshi. You're blocking me. We're taking your car.
16:30 Give me the keys. - Okay, fine. You can drive.
16:33 But a word of warning. This car is an ass magnet.
16:38 [ Snot ] When the whistle blows, the contest begins.
16:41 Whoever finishes the most hot dogs in 10 minutes wins.
16:45 Vomit will disqualify you.
16:48 Okay, looks like a left on Reservoir Lane.
16:51 I never even heard of it. Let me see.
16:54 Roger, this is a poster of Bo Derek.
16:56 I know. Have you ever seen cheekbones so— Look out!
17:00 [ Tires Screech ]
17:04 [ Panting ]
17:09 You-— You, uh— You really do make a good crash-test dummy.
17:11 Shut up and drive!
17:13 -[ Chomping ] - [ Tires Screech ]
17:16 Nobody eat the hot dogs!
17:18 Death dogs. They're called death dogs.
17:20 They're both tied at 38.
17:22 Get away from the table!
17:24 You weren't supposed to eat those. They're poisonous. Now you're gonna die.
17:27 [ Gasps ] - [Speaking Japanese ]
17:30 Don't you mean, "Oh, my Godzilla"? Thank you!
17:34 What have we done? I'm sorry.
17:37 Oh, I should've said that in the first place. Forgive me?
17:40 [ Speaking Japanese ]
17:44 Toshi is honor-bound to accept a deathbed apology.
17:47 Good-bye then, dear Toshi.
17:49 I should've been nicer to you.
17:51 You were my only friend who wasn't poor or fat.
17:56 Oh, wait. False alarm. I still have my death dogs.
17:59 Oh, Toshi's mother insisted on using the hot dogs she bought.
18:02 Apparently the ones I brought weren't good enough.
18:05 They weren't. They would have killed our children.
18:08 I'm sorry, dear. I don't understand what you're saying.
18:11 Does anyone speak sushi hostess?
18:14 Look, the important thing is that Roger didn't end up killing anyone with his—
18:18 Hey, where is Roger?
18:21 Sorry, Stan. I can't let you destroy these.
18:24 They're all I have. I need them.
18:27 [ Yelling ]
18:30 [ Grunting ]
18:39 i'm worthless now!
18:41 I'm a nobody just like everyone else.
18:44 And it's about time you said it.
18:46 Damn it, Stan. Why can't you give Roger a break?
18:49 Why should I? Nobody gives me a break.
18:51 I don't see why he gets to feel important when I don't.
18:54 So that's why you're being such a jerk to Roger.
18:57 You feel like a nobody... - [ Bird Tweeting ]
19:00 so you can't let Roger feel like a somebody.
19:02 Oh, my God. You're right.
19:05 It must be so obvious to everyone if you picked up on it.
19:08 Oh, Stan, you're not a nobody.
19:11 You're important to me and to Steve and Hayley and even to Roger.
19:16 You're so important to him that he was gonna blow up the whole world...
19:20 because you insulted him. - [Gopher Chitters ]
19:22 [ Bird Squawks ] - Wow. I never really thought about it that way.
19:28 Hey, Roger. I owe you an apology. - [ Dog Grunts ]
19:31 I'm sorry. - [ Sniffles ]
19:33 I just wanna feel like I matter. -I know. Me too.
19:37 We're not so different, you and I.
19:39 Yes, we are. We're night and day.
19:41 Except for in this specific instance. So here.
19:43 What is it? -I'm allergic to shellfish.
19:46 If I accidentally eat any, my throat will swell up and I will die.
19:50 This is my EpiPen.
19:52 I keep it with me at all times to give myself a shot just in case.
19:55 You're giving it to me?
19:57 If having the power over life and death...
20:00 is what it takes to make you feel special, then yes.
20:03 When the time comes, you can decide whether I live or die.
20:07 You made me the Decider again.
20:11 Enjoy it, buddy. - Hey, you guys!
20:14 I'm the Decider!
20:18 I guess today isn't this groundhog's day.
20:23 [ Yells ]
20:26 [ Imitating Guitar ]
20:29 What are you doing? - Csi: Miami. Caruso?
20:32 Just get your scraper, Darren.
20:39 Freshly baked cookies. - Wow! Thanks, Roger.
20:43 I'm sorry I acted like an entitled ass for the last 70 years.
20:48 [ Sniffs ] Roger, was this—
20:50 [ Laughs ] Crawfish cookies.
20:52 Need this? - [ Hoarsely ] Yes.
20:55 Oh, my God! His allergy! Roger, give him the shot!
20:57 Not so fast, Francine.
20:59 I am the Decider, and I will decide—
21:02 Roger! - And I decide to give him the shot.
21:05 It's empty. - But I only used it once.
21:07 I was super hungover, and I wanted an adrenaline rush.
21:10 It... felt... -[Grunting ]
21:12 -[ Screams ] - amazing.
21:45 Bye! Have a beautiful time.