S06E06 frame 12005 — ClipClopulator

Search Episodes

Ah, you boys keep me young.

S06E06 Shallow Vows

08:20 · frame 12006 of 31545

Previous frame←Next frame→

Previous lineshift + ←Next lineshift + →

Transcript

Go to the current line

00:05 Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:07 I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11 The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14 And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20 Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24 Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29 [[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:35 Klaus, I brought you a present from the C.I.A. lab.
00:38 A fish with a human brain just like me?
00:42 [ Woman ] ~ At last ♪
00:46 [ Needle Scratches Record ] - No, it's just a regular fish.
00:48 They took its retinas out...
00:49 for an eye-scanning experiment.
00:51 I brought the little blind guy home to keep you company.
00:56 [ Gasps ]
00:57 Well, enjoy.
00:59 Hey there, beautiful.
01:00 Bring that body over here.
01:04 Stan! My fanny!
01:06 Give me some of that Frannie fanny!
01:08 Give me some of that Frannie fanny!
01:09 Pump it up! Pump it up! Pump it up!
01:12 [ Together ] Give me some of that Frannie fanny!
01:14 Give me some of that Frannie fanny!
01:16 Give me— - All right, enough of that.
01:17 It's clearly all chorus and I won't be a part of it.
01:19 You've been getting that Frannie fanny...
01:21 for almost 20 years.
01:22 What now? - You do remember...
01:24 our 20th wedding anniversary's coming up, right?
01:27 Of course. That's why I've planned to, uh— to—
01:31 Have a magical ceremony to renew your vows.
01:34 Roger, that's a terrible— - [ Kissing ]
01:37 Oh, Stan. You always take such good care of me.
01:40 Yup. I remember when Stan came to me months ago...
01:43 and asked me to plan the whole thing.
01:47 Right, Stan?
01:49 Yes. - Great.
01:50 Just cut me that check for $6,800—
01:52 the budget we agreed upon— and I'll get started.
01:55 $6,800?
01:57 Oh, Stan, I'm so lucky...
01:59 to be married to such a good provider.
02:03 Just make it out to Jeannie Gold Weddings.
02:05 Who's that?
02:06 Jeannie Gold, wedding planner.
02:09 This is my emergency wedding kit.
02:11 Everything you need for last-minute snafus.
02:13 Needle and thread. Band-Aids for sore heels.
02:16 Fake hymens for those not-so-well-behaved Middle Eastern brides.
02:19 These beauties are packed full of ox blood.
02:21 Trust me, that bedroom will look like the set of a Wes Craven movie the next morning.
02:29 You must be the children. Jeannie Gold.
02:32 I wanted to discuss the gift you're buying your parents for their anniversary.
02:35 I'm just gonna get them a card. - Sign my name to it.
02:37 "Forever yours, S." They'll know.
02:40 You'll do better than a card! It's their 20th! China is the traditional gift.
02:44 Leave us alone, Roger. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
02:48 I went a little Ike Turner.
02:50 Caught you on the side of the head so you can cover it with your hair.
02:52 I don't want you bruised for the photos. That's how good I am.
02:54 Now find a meaningful gift! Disappoint me and next time you'll be dealing with Valik!
02:58 Who? - Listen to Jeannie, or I cut you!
03:04 Two weeks from today, Francine, you will be here walking down the aisle.
03:08 I've re-created the menu, the flowers.
03:10 I even have a string quartet playing the score from Room With a View.
03:14 We didn't have that at our wedding.
03:16 After your reception, when you and Stan drove away in the limo...
03:19 you heard a song playing from a third-story window.
03:21 You didn't know what it was, but secretly wished you had walked down the aisle to it.
03:24 How did you— I never shared that with anyone.
03:27 Last Wednesday when you were in the bath, I snuck up and ethered you good.
03:30 While in your twilight state, you admitted your regret.
03:33 You hummed that song for me. I had a top musicologist beside me and he identified it.
03:37 He saw me naked?
03:38 Honey, please. He's a musicologist. He sees it every day.
03:41 Here's the number of my tailor. He can let your wedding dress out.
03:44 Oh, I don't need to. It still fits.
03:47 Really? Look at you!
03:49 She is just beautiful. - That's the reason I married her.
03:52 Well, that's not the only reason. - Yes, it is.
03:54 There was nothing else? - Nope.
03:57 Just my appearance? - That is correct.
04:00 W-what he means is, your beauty emanates from within.
04:03 No, I don't.
04:04 You know, I'm not so sure I want to renew vows with—
04:07 Don't give up on this, Francine. There were good times.
04:10 Think back. He must have done something to show his love was true.
04:13 [ Burp ] Ignore that. Steak-umms.
04:15 Well, two weeks before our wedding...
04:17 stan and I agreed not to see each other.
04:20 At the ceremony, when I stepped out of the limo...
04:23 he ran to me, picked me up and swung me around...
04:27 and told me he never wanted to be away from me again!
04:31 But now I realize he only loved me for my looks.
04:34 What? He was joking! Stan, tell her.
04:37 Oh- Yeah, yeah! Of course. I was joking!
04:39 I love you for more than your looks.
04:41 You have no sense of humor. Good thing you're pretty.
04:44 Oh, another joke. Shut up, Stan. You're too funny.
04:47 Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
04:49 Just like before, you won't see each other for two weeks.
04:51 Then we'll re-create your reunion at the wedding.
04:54 I'll film the whole thing and make it an extra on the DVD...
04:57 along with the musicologist touching you in the bath.
05:00 I'm kidding. At least I think I'm kidding.
05:02 I left him alone with her for a half hour while I took a nap.
05:04 What do you say, honey?
05:08 Okay, Roger. Let's do it. - It's still on!
05:11 I'm Jeannie Gold, wedding planner extraordinaire!
05:15 And a survivor.
05:21 He'll see you in two weeks just like before. - [ Kisses ]
05:26 [ Door Closes ] - I got to hand it to you. You're doing a great job.
05:28 Are you hitting on me? - What?
05:30 This happens all the time. I will not let you ruin your wedding!
05:33 I will give you a handy-j to keep you out of trouble.
05:44 Can I help you find something?
05:46 We're looking for some china for our parents' 20th anniversary gift.
05:49 What do you have for under 30 bucks?
05:52 These porcelain thimbles. - We'll take them.
05:54 Them? [ Chuckles ] No. It's $30 for one.
05:58 Just put it in your largest free box.
06:01 I'll be paying with a combination of change, check, and the value of this dance.
06:05 May I? - Oh, I shouldn't.
06:07 But... yes.
06:10 [ Humming ]
06:16 [ Classical ]
06:22 You, idiot boy, put some stones on the bridal runner so the breeze won't take it.
06:26 You, distribute these bags of rice to the guests.
06:28 Our policy is not to throw rice. It's bad for the birds.
06:31 Screw the birds! Here's what I think of the birds!
06:35 [ Squawk ]
06:37 Roger, where— Aww.
06:40 Where's Francine? - Francine is on her way with her parents.
06:43 Stan, these are my sons, Alex and Ron. They're in Columbia Film School.
06:47 -How is that possible? -I know. I look too young to have kids in college.
06:50 No, that you have children when your persona is totally fabricated.
06:53 "We are the music-makers. We are the dreamers of dreams."
06:56 That is an unsatisfying answer.
07:00 You kids bought the gift?
07:02 Oh, from Landon's! De-lovely!
07:07 You could put it in a curio case. You could sew with it.
07:10 A little mouse could wear it for a hat.
07:13 [ Crunch ] - [ Gasps ]
07:15 The boy is to die first!
07:18 [ Screams, Groaning ]
07:20 [ Man ] Here comes the bride!
07:24 What happened? Let me get that for you, dear. Bite down on this.
07:29 [ Groaning, Muffled Screaming ]
07:35 Good as new. Don't go into shock. Today's not about you.
07:38 [ Moaning ] - Okay, everyone! Places!
07:40 [ Strings: Processional ]
07:46 Mom, here she comes!
07:50 I'm ready to renew our vows.
07:52 [ Gasps ] - Alex, Ronnie, cut!
07:55 Mama's not making a monster movie.
08:03 What are you looking for? - The makeup guy from Norbit
08:06 Rick Baker, get out here, you talented son of a bitch!
08:09 Stan, this is me.
08:11 What the hell happened?
08:13 I stopped doing my beauty regimen.
08:15 And started her ugly regimen.
08:17 [ Laughing ]
08:19 Ah, you boys keep me young.
08:21 You don't know what it takes for me to look good.
08:23 After you leave for work I do the treadmill until I throw up.
08:27 Then I go to my hairdresser where I get my roots touched up.
08:31 Followed by a lunch Of iced tea and laxatives.
08:35 Then I wax my arms, legs and eyebrows...
08:38 while power-lifting the couch to tone the fanny you love so much.
08:43 [ Gasps ]
08:44 -[ Ripping ] - [ Screaming, Groaning ]
08:49 [ Heart Beating ]
09:02 Haaaa... lo!
09:04 Hey, beautiful.
09:07 And I also stopped wearing my retainer. - Why are you doing this?
09:11 Stan, we've been married for 20 years...
09:14 and all this time you've only appreciated me for my looks?
09:18 I need you to love me for who I am on the inside!
09:21 He does. He totally does. On with the show. We'll meet you at the altar.
09:27 Oh, man. She scared me.
09:29 You see that? I almost punched her in the face.
09:31 Stan, remember. The first rule of any wedding is the bride is always beautiful.
09:36 The second rule you can read on my Web site. You have to be 18 to log on.
09:40 I have some sexy barnyard stuff on there that is not for everyone.
09:43 I could get in a lot of trouble.
09:45 If you do decide to check it out, you need to clear your history right away.
09:48 You may need to uninstall your browser.
09:50 I'm telling you, scrub that thing clean. If you think you're being too cautious, you're not.
09:53 They will take us both to jail. - [ Processional ]
09:58 It's worse when she's in motion.
10:00 I can't go through with this. I'm just gonna sneak out.
10:03 I don't want to embarrass anyone by making a scene.
10:06 [ Shouting, Groaning ]
10:17 [ Guests Murmuring, Screaming ]
10:23 Stan, can you get rid of this fish corpse floating in my bowl?
10:26 It's starting to bum me out.
10:29 You ran out on our wedding?
10:30 To be fair— To be fair, Francine—
10:33 To be fair, you're ugly.
10:36 This was a test to see if you loved me for who I am.
10:39 And you failed! - I wasn't in the mood to be tested!
10:42 Are you that shallow, Stan?
10:44 If after 20 years of marriage you can find nothing more to love about me than my looks...
10:50 then I don't even know why we're married.
10:52 Either you love me for who I am or lose me forever.
10:58 Okay, okay.
11:00 If it means that much to you, I'll try to get to Know the real you.
11:05 Honest? - Honest.
11:07 It'll be like dating all over again.
11:10 Only this time you'll be the one with the mustache.
11:15 But, Stan, wait! The fish!
11:17 [ Sighs ]
11:18 Well, I guess I could make love to it one more time...
11:21 before the stench makes me vomit.
11:29 This is fun, huh?
11:34 There you go.
11:38 There it is. - [ Breathing ]
11:45 Stan, an Orthodox Jewish service...
11:47 is a very strange place for a date.
11:49 Did you take me here so you wouldn't have to look at me?
11:52 Francine, please. The Torah is out of the ark. Show some respect.
11:55 [ Chanting In Hebrew ]
12:00 [ Francine Moaning ]
12:03 I Knew you could get past my looks.
12:04 [ Sighs ] A hundred and nine.
12:07 A hundred and nine what?
12:12 That's it, Stan! We're through!
12:16 I want you out of this house! - No, you don't.
12:19 [ Grunting ]
12:21 Whoa, whoa! Francine, be careful.
12:23 Lift with your fat, ugly legs, not your fat, ugly back.
12:29 [ Spits ]
12:30 I forgot my bathroom key. So you're here late.
12:33 Yeah. I got to clean up after all those animals you folks blinded.
12:37 [ Squawk ] - Looks like one got out.
12:39 No. I left the cages open.
12:40 I can't afford to go to the movies, so this makes me laugh.
12:45 I could use a good laugh. My wife kicked me out. - Ooh.
12:49 Is she fine? 'Cause I'll give a fine bitch a call.
12:51 No, she's not fine. That's the problem. Can't stand the sight of her.
12:55 But I love her. I mean, she's my wife.
12:57 Well, you better do something quick...
13:00 'cause you know they miss you at first, but that wears off.
13:05 I don't Know what to do.
13:07 [ Screeching ]
13:09 [ Snickering, Laughing ]
13:12 That stupid monkey!
13:16 [ Piano ]
13:19 Hello, Stan. I got your message.
13:22 Oh, Francine, thank you for meeting me.
13:24 Look, I know I've been acting like an ass, but I'm committed to this.
13:27 Committed to us.
13:29 Oh, Stan. You're meeting me in a public, well-lit place.
13:33 You're really trying. - I really am.
13:36 I already ordered some wine so we can toast to our future.
13:39 There's a dog doing a handstand on the label. Stan, we can't afford this.
13:44 Nothing but the best for my lady.
13:47 [ Gasps ] Oh, I'll go get a towel.
13:49 That's okay. I'll just use my napkin.
13:52 That's better. - Stan, what is going on with you?
13:55 I love you, Francine, and I didn't want to lose you, but I can't get past your looks.
13:59 So I did the only sensible thing a man in my position would do.
14:03 I had my retinas removed! I'm completely blind!
14:06 [ Gasps ] - A toast... to us.
14:14 [ Door Slams ] - I can't believe what Stan did!
14:20 Ready.
14:22 He took his retinas out! - Does this story come with a dictionary?
14:25 I don't know what retinas are. What are you telling me? - He blinded himself!
14:29 Oh. So where is the big dope?
14:31 Oh, for the love of—
14:33 So Jackson's grandmother went to law school in the '30s, okay?
14:36 That is a strong woman.
14:38 Come on, Stan!
14:41 You are unbelievable!
14:42 I did it to save our marriage.
14:44 My eyes were getting me into trouble, so I had the C.I.A. take my retinas out.
14:48 Now that I'm blind, I can fall in love with your insides.
14:51 Then I'll be able to stomach your outside.
14:53 I'll be like Joan Cusack's husband. - [ Sobbing ]
14:58 When Grandma Ling was on her deathbed...
15:00 she said, "Look into my eyes, Francine, and you'll never be alone."
15:05 And I did, and it made me feel so safe.
15:09 And now I can't even look my own husband in the eyes.
15:12 That's the most moving story I've ever heard.
15:15 I must have told you that story at least 30 times.
15:18 Yes, but this is the first time I listened.
15:20 I want to know everything about you. - Really?
15:23 Well, I was born September 26th.
15:25 You're a Libra! I need to know more! Where are you from?
15:28 Do you have any children?
15:32 What's in this? It's fantastic. - I make this all the time.
15:35 I guess I'd never truly tasted your cooking before.
15:38 You're such an intriguing woman, Francine.
15:41 Tell me your dreams. Where do you park when you go to the airport?
15:44 Parking lot C.
15:46 [ Stan Moaning ]
15:51 Oh, Stan, without your eyesight...
15:53 you've become a much better lover.
15:55 I'm just so in tune with your body.
15:58 I'm gonna slap your big, round ass. - Damn right you are!
16:02 Ow! That's my head!
16:03 Roger? What are you doing in here?
16:05 I just came to tell you that Jeannie Gold's business is ruined because of you...
16:08 and then I... kinda got caught up in the show.
16:11 Well, tell Jeannie she'll get another chance.
16:14 We're gonna go ahead and renew our vows.
16:16 That is, if you'll have me.
16:18 Oh, Stan. Of course I will.
16:21 It's last minute, but I can get us the Willow Room.
16:24 It'll take all of my Radisson points. But what am I saving them for?
16:27 A man? Ha! I'm too set in my ways.
16:30 Alex Trebek, a chamomile tea and a chapter of Little Women, and I'm out by 8:15.
16:36 Mom and Dad are gonna love this present.
16:39 How much longer do we have to sit like this?
16:41 He's putting on the finishing touches.
16:44 Ooh! The muses have taken him!
16:47 [ Grunting ]
16:50 He's done!
16:53 [ Hayley ] Wow, it's beautiful
16:55 Yeah. I'm surprised how good it is.
16:57 [ Speaking Japanese ]
17:08 Oh, no! The vows ceremony is tomorrow!
17:11 What are we gonna do? - Valik's gonna kill us!
17:13 [ Groans ] My scar's burning.
17:16 He's thinking of me!
17:20 [ Chuckling ] - What?
17:22 I notice you let out little farts all the time. It's cute.
17:25 They don't even smell that bad. This one does, but usually they don't.
17:28 I can't wait to renew our vows tomorrow.
17:31 In some strange way, your blindness is the best thing that has ever happened to us.
17:38 You're right. My plan was to get it reversed, but being blind is great.
17:42 It's given our relationship depth.
17:44 Now you won't have to spend all day making yourself pretty. You can take care of me full time.
17:48 What? - Except, of course, when you're at work.
17:51 Work? - I'm a blind bastard, Francine.
17:53 You'll be providing for the family now.
17:55 I can't be a provider! - Sure you can.
17:57 Let's see. What kind of job can an ugly person do?
18:00 Run the equipment sign-out room at a Y.M.C.A.
18:03 You could wrap flowers in a supermarket, manage a Jo-Ann Fabrics.
18:07 Think about it, Francine. Management.
18:09 You're not Filipino, so you can't be a nurse.
18:12 [ Keyboard: Ballad ]
18:17 I'm sure she's on her way. she's only three hours late.
18:21 Padre, stop looking so tense.
18:22 You're stressing everyone out.
18:24 You need to relax.
18:28 You bitch! You left me and Stan at the altar!
18:31 You made fools of us!
18:32 You are going to apologize to me, and you're gonna apologize to—
18:37 Oh, for the love of—
18:39 [ Door Opens ] - Come on, Stan.
18:43 Francine! Are you in the room?
18:46 I smell chicken fingers, so I know you're in the room.
18:49 I'm here.
18:51 I can't believe you didn't show.
18:53 You know why I didn't show?
18:55 I didn't get married to take care of somebody!
18:58 I got married to be taken care of! - I''m not the bad guy here!
19:01 You're the one who doesn't want to be with me because I'm blind!
19:04 I don't want to be a provider!
19:06 And I don't want an ugly wife. - Well, I-
19:09 I guess I'm just as shallow as you are.
19:12 I guess you are.
19:13 So what if we got married for surface reasons? It works.
19:16 You're right! Why fix something that's not broken?
19:19 Absolutely. We may be shallow, but our love is deep.
19:24 [ Moaning ]
19:26 The vows are back on.
19:28 Okay, we blew the budget on the first two ceremonies.
19:31 Not sure how, but Jeannie Gold is going to make it spectacular.
19:36 [ Video Game Noises ] - [ Boy ] Number 42!
19:43 I promise when you start to sag to subject you to risky elective surgery.
19:47 And I promise to be with you only if you make money and stay healthy.
19:51 Alzheimer's runs in my family.
19:53 You'll be dealing with that solo.
19:55 I had no budget left. I went to the party store...
19:58 and bought the leftover Thanksgiving decorations from the half-price bin.
20:01 I think you did a great job, Mom.
20:03 I did when I made you!
20:05 Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor to present to you, once again as husband and wife—
20:10 [ Man ] Can we get more garlic bread?
20:12 Stan and Francine Smith.
20:14 [ Applause, Guests Sighing ] - Move it along.
20:16 We only have the place for another half hour.
20:19 Who wants orange? Root beer?
20:21 I got two light beers.
20:22 They were on the dashboard of my car for a long time. They are hot to the touch.
20:26 Anybody?
20:27 They do not have dessert here, but I brought a bag of Chips Ahoy.
20:30 I was keeping it in a cooler so the chocolate chips wouldn't melt...
20:33 but the water soaked through the bag.
20:35 Long story short, some of the cookies are wet.
20:37 I'll spread them out over here in the sun. Help yourselves.
20:39 Everyone having a good time? Best wedding ever, right? I'm ruined.
20:42 Soft [ Jazz]
20:45 Have you seen Steve and Hayley?
20:49 [ Clucking ]
20:54 That maniac Valik will never find us here.
20:57 Mm-hmm.
21:48 Bye! Have a beautiful time.