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I was a stand-up comic.

S07E05 White Rice

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00:05 Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08 I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11 The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14 And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20 Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24 Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29 [[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:34 [ Door Slams ]
00:35 Damn it, Stan! I want to talk about this.
00:38 Terry, quick! stan and Francine are fighting.
00:40 Ooh! You think it'll get violent?
00:41 I'll open a good wine.
00:43 We'll talk about it later. - You always say that.
00:46 And when I bring it up later, you just push it off.
00:49 I do push it.
00:50 I push it real good.
00:51 [ Humming: "Push It" ]
00:55 Ah, push it
00:57 Push it real good
00:59 Coming this way. Act casual.
01:02 Never wants to talk.
01:04 [ Zipper Unzips ] - Having a cigarette.
01:06 I don't care what the pack says.
01:10 Francine, you okay?
01:11 My father turned 68 today.
01:13 He's not getting any younger.
01:15 I tried to talk to Stan about moving my parents to town...
01:18 but he refuses to even discuss It.
01:20 Oh, that must be tough— you two having the same argument every year.
01:23 What? No, we don't.
01:25 This is the first time I've ever brought it up.
01:29 Francine, I want you to come home right now.
01:31 I'm not going anywhere with you.
01:34 Oh, this is a private discussion.
01:35 We'll leave you two alone.
01:44 I'm sorry, okay?
01:47 You're just saying you're sorry...
01:48 because you want this conversation to be over.
01:50 [ Deep Breath ] You're right.
01:53 You're right. We need some help communicating.
01:55 I think we should see a therapist.
01:57 Really? You would do that for me?
01:59 For us. - Oh, Stan.
02:01 i'll find someone for us to talk to.
02:03 Let's go home.
02:08 Aaah! I saw it.
02:15 [ Door Opens, Closes ]
02:17 Look what I won at the carnival.
02:19 She's beautiful.
02:21 Yeah, the good Lord used every crayon in the box when he made this gal.
02:24 I'm gonna stick an M-80 in her ass and blow her to bits.
02:27 Wait. Why don't you drop her in my bowl?
02:29 i''d be happy for the companionship...
02:31 even if it is with a normal, nonspeaking fish.
02:34 Wow, look at you.
02:36 Hooking up with a colored girl.
02:39 Hi. I'm Klaus. What's your sign?
02:41 Pisces? [ Laughing ]
02:48 My husband never wants to hear me out.
02:50 Instead of talking things through, he just pushes me off.
02:54 Don't worry. I'll fix everything.
02:56 Let's start with you, Francine.
02:58 I want you to feel completely relaxed.
03:00 Imagine warm liquid filling your body...
03:02 starting at your feet and rising slowly to your head.
03:05 When I snap my fingers, you're going to fall into a deep, dreamlike state.
03:09 [ Snaps Fingers ]
03:10 So, Stan, want me to give her the regular?
03:13 Yep, Sal. Time for her annual tune-up.
03:15 Ooh, mixed nuts.
03:16 There's quite a few things I'd like you to make her forget.
03:19 She wants to move her parents to town again, huh?
03:21 Every year on her dad's birthday.
03:25 There we go. There's the winner.
03:28 Here's a list of, uh, some other things I'd like repressed this year.
03:31 she talked about getting a puppy again.
03:32 Let's get rid of that.
03:34 she wanted to get a "subway map" shower curtain.
03:36 Need to nip that in the bud.
03:38 she wants me to start picking my shoes up off the floor.
03:41 she's also been grousing about the night I sleep-punched her.
03:43 And there's plenty more.
03:45 Oh, and, uh, while you're knocking around in there...
03:46 get her to love the films of Emilio Estevez.
03:49 How great is that guy?
03:51 He's a Sheen, he's from an acting dynasty...
03:53 yet he chooses to be Mexican.
03:55 Makes it huge, realizes people have had enough of him...
03:57 and is decent enough to fall off the face of the earth.
03:59 [ Howling ] Emilio!
04:02 No problem. - Do your magic.
04:03 I'm gonna get a sandwich across the street.
04:05 Oh, I'll take a—
04:07 Never mind then.
04:09 All righty then, Francine. - [ Snoring Quietly ]
04:11 You will stop submitting captions...
04:13 for the New Yorker cartoon contest.
04:15 You will stop saying the phrase "You are a card...
04:17 and you need to be dealt with."
04:19 [ Door Opens, Closes ]
04:21 You will awake in one hour.
04:22 You will remember nothing of this session.
04:25 Okay, good to go.
04:27 Thanks, Sal.
04:31 Francine, you are stiff as a board.
04:35 [ Loud Thud ]
04:36 Next year, I'll have you hypnotize my penis.
04:38 [ Laughing ] - [ Chuckles ]
04:39 [ Laughing ]
04:41 Ah. -[ Thud ]
04:44 Hey there, sleepyhead.
04:46 You up for a Mighty Ducks marathon?
04:48 [ Gasps ]
04:52 [ Baby Exclaims ]
04:55 [ Zipper Unzips ]
05:02 [ Cooing ] - Sorry to intrude, guys.
05:04 It's my father's birthday.
05:06 He turned 69, and he's not getting any younger.
05:08 And you want to discuss your parents moving to town...
05:11 but Stan won't talk about it.
05:12 Yes. How-How did you know?
05:15 Because you come over every year, say the same thing...
05:17 and pube up our hot tub.
05:19 I-I don't do that.
05:21 Honey, let's go see a therapist.
05:23 Oh, you'd do that for me?
05:28 Aaah! I saw it again.
05:30 You know she has one. Why do you keep staring at it?
05:32 I don't trust it. I don't want to turn my back on it.
05:38 I now pronounce you man-fish and wife.
05:43 Now for my payment.
05:46 Honk, honk.
05:47 Pleasure doing business with you.
05:49 [ Moaning ]
05:54 Uh, hey, I got you a wedding present.
05:57 Oh, pumpkin, look— our new home.
06:00 Now let's get this party started.
06:03 [[ Man: Rap ] /] - Let's get it started' ha
06:06 Let's get it started in here
06:09 Let's get it started' ha
06:11 Let's get it started in here
06:15 [ Snaps Fingers ]
06:17 Great. Here's this year's list of things I need adios'd.
06:19 I'm gonna go grab a sandwich.
06:21 Oh, Ill have a— [ Sighs ]
06:27 And when you awake, you will remember...
06:30 everything Stan has made me repress over the last 20 years.
06:35 [[ Thunderclap ]
06:36 Maybe, once in a while, I can have an orgasm.
06:39 Let's talk about it later.
06:40 [[ Thunderclap ]
06:42 Stan, I think we should get Hayley and Bailey vaccinated.
06:45 We'll talk about it later.
06:46 [ Thunderclap ] - Ow!
06:48 son of a bitch! You punched me!
06:51 [ Murmuring ] Talk... later.
06:54 [ Thunderclap ] - Why, Sal?
06:56 You've been coming here for two decades.
06:59 Never once offered to bring me a sandwich.
07:02 Uh, Francine, you've never been more relaxed.
07:06 Your body is filling with liquid—
07:08 [ Grunts ] - [ Groans ]
07:10 [ High-pitched Voice ] Emilio!
07:16 So instead of discussing things with me...
07:18 you take me to a hypnotist?
07:20 We could have gone to a real therapist and worked on our problems.
07:24 I don't like airing my personal business in front of an audience.
07:27 Though I do like using those steel pee troughs at the stadium.
07:30 I don't know if it's because it sounds like rain...
07:32 or it's just the sight of all those eager johnsons working together.
07:36 Stan! - Let's play hide-and-don't seek.
07:38 I'll hide in my plate room, and you don't seek me.
07:42 We know the game is over when you've made me dinner.
07:50 Oh, my porcelain, ginger-haired prankster.
07:53 No one has a sense of humor anymore.
07:55 Stan, we are going to talk about this now.
07:58 Wait. More memories are coming back.
08:02 This wasn't always your plate room.
08:04 This was my work space.
08:06 Why did I need a work space? - Uh, you didn't.
08:09 L-Let's go on vacation right now.
08:11 The Poconos. [ Chuckles ] Sounds funny.
08:13 Hey, I had a secret hiding place.
08:19 What's on this tape? - Nothing.
08:22 And we don't have a VCR anymore, so you'll have to take my word for it.
08:24 Roger still has one—
08:26 because you didn't buy him a DVD player like he wanted for his quinceañera.
08:32 [ Bland, Peppy ]
08:33 [ Grunting ]
08:37 Hey! My Angela Lansbury workout.
08:39 Why Miss Lansbury you ask?
08:41 Well, I've come to accept that I have the body...
08:43 of a postmenopausal, senior woman.
08:45 I do. I'm at peace with it.
08:48 Any other woman in the audience...
08:50 the tallest member of her family?
08:52 Oh, my God, that's right. - [ Applause ]
08:55 I was a stand-up comic.
08:57 Well my adoptive parents are Chinese...
08:59 so I'm the tallest member in generations.
09:02 I go to my family reunion, and they're all like...
09:04 "Godzilla! Aaah!"
09:06 [ Audience Laughing ] - Funny.
09:07 In first grade. they sent me home with lice.
09:10 My parents said— imitating Accent ] "Of course she has lice.
09:13 She has it for runch every day."
09:15 [ Laughter ]
09:16 I can say it You cant.
09:18 [ Laughs ] You're good.
09:22 Why on earth would you make me forget I was a stand-up comedienne?
09:26 [ Laughing ] - You started working nights. It affected my schedule.
09:28 I talked to Sal about it, and he said I don't like change.
09:32 I have an aversion to it. An aversion.
09:34 Can you imagine how hard that's been on me?
09:39 I get it. I get it.
09:41 I'll go get ready for sex.
09:44 [ Laughing ] - [ Audience Laughing ]
09:47 You really think I was funny?
09:49 You're hilarious. All you need is a manager, and you're on your way.
09:52 I wouldn't even know where to begin to find a—
09:55 [ Confetti Tinkles ]
09:56 Sweeps McCullough, talent manager.
09:58 I used to represent every sitcom neighbor and sidekick in the '80s.
10:02 I discovered Mindy Cohn, Willie Aames...
10:04 the slow kid from Life Goes On.
10:06 Was that a comedy? - Was to me.
10:08 Anyway, I've been down on my luck as of late, but I still know talent.
10:12 I wanna make you a star.
10:13 Shut your eyes. - Why?
10:15 [ Tinkles ] - Ow!
10:18 Ow. Ow.
10:19 Sorry about that.
10:21 I made the confetti out of cut-up tuna can lids.
10:23 Now about your career.
10:25 I'm flattered, but this all happened 20 years ago.
10:28 I might not be good anymore.
10:30 Nonsense. Once you've got it, you never lose it.
10:33 You have talent herpes.
10:34 I have regular herpes. Thank you, Mindy Cohn.
10:36 So what do you say? You in?
10:38 I can't believe Stan made me forget all this.
10:41 Hell, yes! I'm in!
10:43 Good. We'll start with the stand-up/topless bar circuit...
10:46 and work our way up.
10:47 I have to perform topless?
10:49 You're not topless. The staff is topless.
10:51 You want to get noticed, your ha-ha's have to be bigger than their tatas.
10:58 Are you sure about all this?
11:00 Remember when Rudy from the Cosby Show got old and stopped being cute?
11:04 I brought them Raven-Symoné.
11:06 Saw her in a Philadelphia playground and knew she was a star.
11:09 Snatched her right up.
11:10 Six months later, her parents saw her on TV...
11:12 and realized she was still alive.
11:14 Did some time for that.
11:15 So, you ask, am I sure about this?
11:18 I don't know.
11:23 She's a terrible wife. She has no maternal instincts.
11:26 She can't be that bad.
11:28 She ate three of the children. - [ Gasps ]
11:30 And poor little Susan. she only ate half of her.
11:34 she wasn't even hungry. she was just eating to eat.
11:38 Siren Wailing in Distance ]
11:40 Coming from an Asian family, my parents had never seen boobs.
11:44 No cup size was bigger than an "A."
11:46 And that was my dad's.
11:48 [ All Laughing ]
11:55 [ Laughter, Muffled ]
11:57 You know why Chinese couples can't have their own Caucasian babies—
12:01 because two Wongs don't make a white.
12:04 [ All Laughing ]
12:11 I called in a bunch of favors and put together a talent showcase...
12:15 at the mother of all stripper/comedy clubs.
12:18 Hilareola's?
12:19 You got me booked at Hilareola's!
12:21 Bunch of TV execs are going to be there.
12:23 You're my ticket back to the bigs.
12:25 No! This is exactly what I was trying to avoid.
12:28 My whole world is changing.
12:30 Dinner's not on the table. I'm wearing dirty shirts.
12:33 There's no one taking my shoes upstairs.
12:35 We'll talk about it later.
12:37 How does that feel?
12:41 By the look on his face, not good.
12:43 [ Band: Rock, Muffled ]
12:46 éé [ Rock Continues ]
12:48 [ Audience Chattering ]
12:50 You boys are gonna eat her up.
12:55 What, TV people don't do this anymore?
12:58 No. [ Continues, Muffled ]
13:00 stan? What are you doing here?
13:02 Just came to wish you luck.
13:04 This is a big night. Huge night.
13:07 Now, I don't want to scare you...
13:08 but the place is packed with TV executives.
13:10 [ Audience Applauding ] - Lot of pressure.
13:12 If you're trying to rattle me, it won't work.
13:14 [ Male Emcee ] Welcome to Hilareola's! - [ Audience Whooping ] I]
13:17 Tonight, we have Langley Falls's blossoming new comedienne—
13:21 Francine Ling! - [ Audience Cheering ]
13:23 Don't blow it. Your material's as tired as your face.
13:25 [ Rock ] - [ Cheering ]
13:31 [ Ends ]
13:32 How's everyone do—
13:34 [ Audience Groaning ]
13:45 Well, you tried, Francine.
13:47 Fox ordered six episodes for a sitcom based on my stand-up.
13:51 What? - I'm leaving for Hollywood.
13:53 But I saw you throw up on stage. - You shouldn't have left.
13:56 She riffed for 20 minutes on how Chinese food looks like vomit.
14:00 "Mongolian barf-ecue."
14:02 [ Laughing ] Hilarious.
14:04 i'll send for my things. - You can't just leave.
14:08 Stan, you don't control me anymore.
14:10 I'm gonna live my life, and you can't stop me.
14:13 I'm going too. I'm a nonwriting producer...
14:15 which means I get paid to do nothing.
14:17 I might even be a hindrance.
14:19 I'm calling everyone to tell 'em Sweeps is coming to town.
14:22 I'm gonna get off the plane and go right to Dana Plato's grave.
14:25 I owe It to her.
14:26 I killed her.
14:33 [ Jazz Ballad ]
14:37 [Man] -* Nobody Knows the
14:40 trouble i've seen
14:45 Nobody Knows f
14:48 ♪ But Jesus
14:53 And that's the news. Well be back with sports.
14:56 [ Fanfare. Asian ] - [ Male Announcer ] I] What happens when an adopted white girl...
14:58 is raised by a Chinese family?
15:00 This fall on Fox—
15:02 Francine Ling and PD. Wang Star in White Rice.
15:06 Chop-stick around
15:07 It's egg foo fun for the whole family.
15:10 I miss her, Klaus. - Really? I couldn't tell.
15:13 What am I gonna do?
15:15 Change. - Huh?
15:16 Change. - Huh?
15:16 If you want her back, then you're going to have to change.
15:20 Don't let your marriage fall apart like mine did.
15:23 I hate your face so much.
15:30 [ Chattering ]
15:32 I love show-night rehearsal.
15:34 It's a chance to fine-tune the show...
15:36 before they bring the audience in.
15:37 It's also my chance to pick out one of the extras to pork.
15:41 Hey, toots, you want a part on the show? Let's see 'em.
15:43 Sir, that is sexual harassment.
15:46 Not if I don't have a boner. Know the law.
15:52 Okay, Francine, you're getting ready for your father's 70th birthday party.
15:55 And... action.
15:57 Uncle Fung is bringing dessert...
15:58 and Dan will be home any minute.
16:00 Does he have to come to my birthday? - He's my husband.
16:04 We know, but he is white.
16:06 I'm white.
16:07 You are a reverse banana.
16:09 You are white on outside, yellow on inside.
16:13 Laugh, laugh, laugh. You two exit to the kitchen.
16:15 Dan, you enter and cross to Francine.
16:17 Dan, I need to talk to you about something.
16:21 My father's turning 70, and he's not getting any younger.
16:24 I've got dessert. - [ Kittens Mewing ]
16:26 You're amazing, P.D.
16:28 Let's break for dinner! We shoot in one hour!
16:30 [ Bell Rings ]
16:31 We are hitting our stride, Frannie--
16:33 shooting our sixth episode, premiering next week.
16:36 I can't believe my husband didn't want me to have all of this.
16:40 Well, I can tell you this.
16:42 I need some money for more coke.
16:49 [ Whimpering ] - I'm coming, baby!
16:51 [ Tires Screeching ]
17:00 [ Tires Screech ]
17:02 Do you have a drive-on?
17:04 [ Low Voice ] I'm Kristen Johnston.
17:06 Oh, yes. Of course, Miss Johnston.
17:10 He's my husband.
17:12 We know, but he is white.
17:14 I'm white.
17:15 You are a reverse banana. - What?
17:18 You are white on outside, yellow on inside.
17:21 [ All Laughing ]
17:23 Is this where Francine Ling lives?
17:26 Uh, this is a set.
17:28 And this is a fist. - [ Groans ]
17:30 [ Laughter ]
17:31 Francine, we need to talk.
17:33 stan? What are you doing here?
17:34 I'm not afraid of change. I—
17:38 Oh. I didn't realize you had people over.
17:40 [ Laughing ]
17:42 Who is that guy? - It's Kristen Johnston. Just keep rolling.
17:44 Look, I got that gold chain you wanted to talk about.
17:47 I'm also wearing cargo shorts, like you wanted.
17:50 Ten years ago, you wanted to paint the kitchen purple. I painted it.
17:53 I have 20 dogs in the car— one for every year you asked for one.
17:57 All the things you ever wanted, I did.
17:59 I've changed for you.
18:01 It turns out the only change I can't live with is losing you.
18:06 [ Audience ] Aw.
18:07 I got dessert. - [ Kittens Mewing ]
18:09 Get out, or I'll shoot you!
18:10 [ Laughter, Applause ]
18:13 stan, I'm touched that you made all these changes...
18:16 but that's not what I wanted.
18:18 It- It isn't? - No.
18:21 I just wanted to talk those things through.
18:24 I wasn't sure about 'em.
18:25 That's why I needed to discuss them with you.
18:28 Now that I see the kitchen purple, it looks terrible.
18:32 And those shorts make you look boxy.
18:34 And who knows— maybe I wouldn't like having an orgasm.
18:37 Whew! - [ Laughter ]
18:41 And as for my stand-up career...
18:43 if we had just talked it through...
18:45 you would have realized it didn't mean I would leave you.
18:49 You could have come with me.
18:50 There's a C.I.A. office out here in Los Angeles.
18:53 Oh, yeah. Never thought of that.
18:55 This is incredibly unprofessional.
18:57 [ Groans ]
18:58 [ Laughter, Applause ]
19:02 I'm really sorry, Francine.
19:05 This time, I can tell you really are sorry.
19:08 So I accept your apology.
19:12 [ Audience ] Aw.
19:14 Cut! Lightning in a bottle.
19:15 [ Snorting ]
19:17 Yes! Oh, there is no downside to this drug.
19:21 You guys want to go get some steaks at the Brown Derby?
19:25 [ Pops ]
19:27 I'd like to make a toast to Francine...
19:29 and to tonight's premier of White Rice.
19:32 It is going the distance.
19:33 That's what I told Meredith Baxter-Birney on the set of Family Ties.
19:37 That's when she was still a fan of the meat rod.
19:40 [ Glasses Clink ]
19:43 I can't wait to tell the kids about moving to California.
19:46 It's like a dream come true.
19:48 You deserve it, baby.
19:49 Quiet! The show's coming on.
19:51 [ Theme. Asian]
19:52 Hi Mah Mah. What's for dinner?
19:54 Eel in cow-eyeball sauce.
19:56 It called guck nu.
19:58 Sounds more like guck ew! - [ Laughter ]
20:01 -[ test Tone] - [I Crowd Cheering ] /]
20:03 [ Male Announcer ] it's an all-new episode of Fits in the Hole.
20:06 Oh, my God!
20:07 Look how fat she is in that silver suit.
20:10 I don't think she's gonna make it.
20:11 Roger, what happened to White Rice? - Right.
20:14 It's probably just a programming mistake. - [ Beeps ]
20:16 Yeah, this is Sweeps.
20:17 Uh-huh. Aha!
20:20 Okay, thanks!
20:21 We've been canceled.
20:23 [ Chattering ] - [ Door Closes ]
20:25 After one joke?
20:27 Apparently the Asian community is iN an Uproar.
20:29 Oh, well. Can I borrow your belt and this chair?
20:34 Sweeps is dead! He hung himself.
20:37 No! - I never gave you my belt.
20:39 You didn't? Give it to me.
20:41 Sweeps is dead!
20:47 Okay, Bah Bah. Bye.
20:50 Wow. I can't believe my father's turning 70.
20:54 Stan, I really think we should talk about moving them to town.
21:00 Okay, let's talk about it.
21:03 I think it's a terrible idea.
21:05 [ Sighs ] Me too.
21:10 stan, I need to borrow your shovel.
21:47 Bye! Have a beautiful time.