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S07E09 Fart-Break Hotel

14:29 · frame 20841 of 31506

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00:04 Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:07 I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:10 The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:13 And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:19 Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:23 Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:28 [[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:32 [ Alarm Blares, Stops ]
00:33 [ Pop Intro]
00:44 The sun is shining in the sky
00:47 There aint a cloud in sight
00:50 It's stopped raining
00:52 Everybody's in a play
00:55 ♪ And dont you Know, it's a beautiful new day - [ Alarm Blares ]
00:59 ♪ Hey, hey
01:01 Running down the avenue
01:04 see how the sun shines brightly in the city
01:09 [ Gunshot ] -,* On the streets where once was pity,"
01:11 ♪ Mr. Blue Sky Is living here today
01:16 ♪ Hey, hey
01:18 ♪ [ Vocalizing ]
01:22 [ Stops ] - [ Gasps ]
01:26 [ Sighs ]
01:30 What in the hell is that? - My Zucchini casserole.
01:33 Zucchini? Excuse me, but this is not Italian squash.
01:37 Yeah, the only thing Italian about this situation is your dirty lies.
01:44 [ Sighs ] You're right.
01:46 It's not Zucchini. It's okra.
01:49 I guess when I was at the store, my mind was somewhere else.
01:52 See, sometimes I escape to a little place in my head...
01:55 where no one complains about the meals I cook.
01:58 [ Groaning ]
02:01 And there's no more scraping snot rockets...
02:03 off the shower tiles.
02:06 And no more P.B. & J. with the crust cut off.
02:08 [ Whimpers ]
02:10 [ Neck Cracks ] - [ Groans ]
02:11 Anyway, if you don't wanna eat it...
02:14 I can fix something else.
02:16 Okra's great! - Yum!
02:19 Well, I'm not eating it. Okra gives me pretty bad gas.
02:22 Just eat it. - Okay.
02:24 But don't complain if I get pretty bad gas.
02:26 [ Alarm Beeping ]
02:30 [ Coughing ] Stan!
02:33 [ Coughing ] The house must be on fire!
02:35 [ All Coughing ]
02:37 I don't see any flames. - Then what is it?
02:40 [ Beeping Continues ] - [ Groans ] Who farted?
02:43 This guy!
02:44 [ Long Fart ]
02:50 Well, whatever's in there is off the charts toxic.
02:54 It's gonna take at least a week to sanitize your house.
02:56 A week? Where are we supposed to go for a week?
02:59 Relax. Just leave it to me.
03:06 Okay, I got us free rooms for the whole week. - How'd you do that?
03:09 I stayed here back in the 80s and suffered a terrible accident.
03:12 To avoid a lawsuit, the hotel gave me a free week of rooms.
03:16 Honestly, I forgot about the whole thing until today.
03:18 That fart really shook some memories loose.
03:21 Wow. I just remembered I was also in a legal battle with Nabisco.
03:24 I claimed I was Asian and sued over Cheese Nips.
03:27 Anyway, everything's complimentary—
03:29 room service, laundry, you name it. - You hear that, honey?
03:31 A whole week without you having to take care of us.
03:34 Wow. Finally some "me" time.
03:36 Stan and Francine, here are keys to your room and, Steve, here's yours.
03:40 What about my room? - Got ya covered.
03:45 Oh, boy. What's in here?
03:50 [ Man Narrating ] Some say that was the end of Klaus's story.
03:52 Some say it was just the beginning.
03:55 No one ever says it was the middle.
04:17 Bewitching, isn't she?
04:19 I Know you. Weren't you the concierge in Pretty Woman?
04:23 Yes. I'm Hector Elizondo.
04:25 I played a concierge in over 400 movies and TV pilots.
04:29 Acting pays the bills so I can pursue my true passion— concierging.
04:35 I don't mean to ignore your strange monologue...
04:37 but I can't take my eyes off this enchanting vision.
04:40 The moment I saw her, I felt as if I'd met her before.
04:44 Impossible.
04:45 The great artist Patrick Nagel painted her...
04:48 while staying in this hotel in 1981.
04:51 Then I'm too late to meet her.
04:53 God, if it were only 1981 again.
04:55 Well, young man, perhaps it can be.
05:00 Excuse me. Where can I get some tampons?
05:04 Right over here, miss. I keep them next to my Tony.
05:14 Huh. No breakfast to make, no clothes to wash.
05:17 I guess I can do whatever I want.
05:29 What are you doing? - Laying out your clothes for the day.
05:32 Honey, stop worrying about us. Go spend time with Francine.
05:35 Get to know her. That's something I always wish I'd done.
05:39 Are— Are you sure?
05:41 [ Chuckles ] I'm pretty sure I can dress myself.
05:44 Uh, okay.
05:45 I'll just... get to know me.
05:50 [ Door Opens, Closes ] - Oh, she forgot the socks.
05:55 Now, which ones go with the suit, navy or black?
05:59 Francine!
06:01 Do you like horseback riding? Hang gliding?
06:03 I don't know. - Okay. How do you spend your time?
06:07 Well, for the last 20 years, I've just taken care of my family.
06:11 sounds like someone needs to get a life.
06:15 Uh— Uh- Uh-
06:17 [ Elizondo's Voice ] Sounds like someone needs to get a life.
06:20 [[ Echoes ] Get a life Get a life
06:24 Do you know Sarah Blanch, the OmniSlab Concrete rep from Chicago?
06:27 No, but I hear she's finally coming to one of these conventions.
06:30 I just heard she was in an accident on her way here.
06:32 Car went over a cliff and into a river. - That's horrible.
06:35 she's presumed dead. But nothing's concrete.
06:38 [ Both Laughing ]
06:40 But seriously, she's probably dead.
06:45 I know who you are! - You do?
06:48 There's only one name tag left. You must be Sarah Blanch.
06:51 [ Elizondo's Voice ] Someone needs to get a life [ Echoes ] Get a Life.
06:55 Get a life.
06:57 Ye— Yes, that's me.
06:59 I am Sarah Blanch.
07:03 Someone needs to get naked.
07:05 Get naked. Get naked.
07:08 Please, God, not you.
07:10 Not you. Not you.
07:18 So welcome, everyone...
07:20 and, uh, let's make this Concrete Sellers Convention the most solid one ever.
07:25 [ All Laughing ]
07:28 Sarah Blanch.
07:29 Pam Deakins, the Bakersfield rep.
07:33 We've done business on the phone.
07:35 Oh! Bakersfield Pam!
07:38 You know, Sarah, there's a rumor that you died in a car crash.
07:43 [ Laughing ] What?
07:45 Oh, my, no. I was just dying to be here.
07:49 [ All Laughing ]
07:51 If you're like me, you were dying to get away from your family for a week.
07:55 Actually, I... don't have a family.
07:59 Nope. My life is all about me.
08:02 Horseback riding and hang gliding...
08:05 and, um, having sex with some of Chicago's many Polacks.
08:10 [ Roger ] Sounds like the life to me.
08:12 Hi, Sarah. Pete Pendelman, concrete man out of Sheboygan.
08:15 Let's walk and talk.
08:16 What are you doing? - What?
08:19 On a whim, I decided to be a saleswoman who didn't show up. Big deal.
08:23 No, I-i get it. You need a little escape from Francine.
08:26 We are gonna have so much fun this week.
08:28 Yeah. We'll mingle, go to cocktail mixers—
08:31 Oh, no. Pete Pendelman is a recovering alcoholic.
08:34 I started hitting the bottle after my wife died...
08:37 during breast-reduction surgery that I made her get.
08:40 [ Sobs ] she was pregnant at the time.
08:42 Anyway, we're gonna have a blast...
08:45 as long as the real Sarah Blanch doesn't show up.
08:47 Oh, don't worry. Sarah Blanch is dead.
08:56 [ Gasps, Laughing ]
09:03 Stop torturing yourself, Steve. You'll never have her.
09:06 Unless you believe in... time travel.
09:12 What? - Oh, sorry. Wrong brochure.
09:16 Whoa! This claims you can travel back in time using only your mind.
09:20 Do you know what this means? - Yes.
09:22 You can go back in time, watch me be born and be the first person to hold me.
09:27 Just kidding.
09:29 Go back to 1981 and get your dream girl.
09:32 Thanks, Hector!
09:34 Who will hug baby Hector?
09:40 [ ] Horse riding. - You tap-dance too?
09:43 Wow, Sarah. How many hobbies do you have?
09:47 Five - Wow!
09:49 Pete, you've been quiet. What about your family? You married?
09:53 Two years ago, my wife was killed by a plastic surgeon in Ecuador.
09:57 I found him on Yelp. I gave him two stars.
10:01 Her breasts looked amazing during the open casket.
10:05 So I was married.
10:10 [ Clears Throat ]
10:12 [ Beeping ]
10:16 [ Gasps ] Looks like Sarah's day is over.
10:19 -[ All ] Aw! - Excuse me, Ms. Blanch.
10:22 We show you still haven't checked in to your executive suite.
10:29 Whoa!
10:30 A complimentary bucket of Coronas?
10:33 Sarah must be super important.
10:38 Hey, let's order huge sundaes from room service and just pig out.
10:42 Oh, no sweets for Pete. I have stage 2 diabetes.
10:46 In fact— [ Inhales ]
10:50 [ Sucking ]
10:52 Really?
10:54 [ Wind Whistling ]
10:56 I could get used to being Sarah Blanch.
10:59 I'm gonna laugh till I die I'm
11:04 gonna laugh instead of cry
11:06 I'm gonna take the town and turn it upside down I'm
11:09 Gonna live. live, live till I die
11:12 Theyre gonna say what a gal
11:15 I'm gonna play for the sky!
11:18 Aint gonna miss a thing I'm gonna have my fling.
11:21 I'm gonna live. live, live till I die
11:23 How the hell does she know how to tap dance?
11:26 Because she's Sarah fucking Blanch!
11:29 Hey, you're a loudmouth, Doug.
11:32 You're loud.
11:34 All right, Steve, this is exactly how your hotel room looked in 1981.
11:39 Whoa! A water bed.
11:43 So, basically I just concentrate as hard as I can that I'm in 1981...
11:48 and I'll be transported back in time to meet my dream girl from the painting?
11:52 Yes, Steve. What is so hard to understand about that?
11:56 Okay. It's May 14, 1981.
12:00 President Jimmy Carter leaves the White House in disgrace.
12:03 Pope John Paul II is shot in Rome by a deranged Jimmy Carter.
12:07 Jimmy Carter kidnaps and devours 13 Christian babies.
12:11 Hmm. Maybe I should have read a real history book instead of the one Dad wrote.
12:19 Did it work? Is it 1981
12:23 [ Elevator Dings ]
12:26 Roger? Damn it, it didn't work.
12:29 Who's Roger? The name's Reaganomics Lamborghini, Jacuzzi dealer.
12:33 Wanna smoke cocaine out of my pipe made from a Rubik's Cube?
12:36 [ Screaming ]
12:41 Sir, are you all right?
12:43 I was sitting on this water bed, minding my own business...
12:45 when it spontaneously exploded.
12:47 I demand a week of free rooms, or I'll sue the crap out of you!
12:50 Wait a second.
12:56 I made it! It's 1981!
12:59 [ Electronic ]
13:08 Hey, I just got another crazy text from Stan about socks.
13:11 Is he okay? - Oh, I'm sure he's fine.
13:14 [ Sobbing ]
13:19 [ Sobbing Louder ]
13:23 Look, I don't have time for anyone else right now.
13:26 I'm too busy living my own life.
13:28 But it's not your life. It belongs to—
13:30 Sarah! Where have you been?
13:32 You have to give your speech. - What?
13:34 There she is—
13:36 our closing speaker, OmniSlab rep, Sarah Blanch!
13:41 All right, you've taken Sarah as far as she can go. Let's make a run for it.
13:44 Come on up, Sarah.
13:50 [ Sighs ]
13:52 You... dumb bitch.
13:55 [ Applauds ]
14:05 Um, I'm here to talk about... rebar placement...
14:10 and planned gap structure coordination.
14:18 You know what? No.
14:21 What I'd really like to talk about is the, um— uh— uh— uh—
14:29 the Chinese.
14:31 The Chinese threat to our domestic concrete industry.
14:36 There are over a million Chinese people in China alone.
14:40 And I'm here to tell you, they are a-comin', folks.
14:44 They know math. They know kung fu.
14:47 And they've been going pee-pee in our Coke for years!
14:50 So let's keep the yellow out of our red, white and blue!
14:54 Whoo-hoo! - [ Woman ] Way to go, Sarah!
15:04 ole! [ Jazz ] - [ Chattering ]
15:06 Nagel, you're a genius.
15:09 Sun-faded prints of your paintings...
15:11 will never be found in Korean hair salons.
15:16 Mr. Nagel, sir, I have traveled a great distance to see you.
15:21 You paint my dream girl today, and I need to know who she is.
15:25 Oh, I'm touched by your passion, young man.
15:28 I'll help you on your lover's quest.
15:31 But first, share in some cherry wine.
15:37 Um, cherry wine tastes pretty weird.
15:40 That's because I put a bunch of weird, illegal things in it.
15:45 [ All Laughing ]
15:47 Nagel, you son of a bitch, let's drug some kids.
15:51 Oh, you kidding me? You already cut the turkey?
15:57 Well, Sarah, it's been fun, but all good characters must come to an end.
16:01 Sarah. Jed Farnsworth of the Cherino Concrete Corporation.
16:04 I haven't heard someone speak with that much passion...
16:06 since my fat friend discovered Buca di Beppo.
16:09 Wow. Thank you.
16:11 Look, I want you to come manage my Portland facility.
16:14 It's the most prestigious job in the concrete industry.
16:17 I— I don't know what to say.
16:20 Say yes, and tomorrow you can fly to your new life in Economy Plus...
16:23 with only one stop in Denver.
16:27 What are you doing? What's there to even think about?
16:30 You're right.
16:31 Mr. Farnsworth, I'll take that job in Portland.
16:34 Wait. What?
16:37 [ Sighs ] Well, there goes my two-year chip.
16:42 Stale as the dickens.
16:44 [[ Man ] Thank you to Timothy Creehan Of Salina, Kansas...
16:46 for sending us this week's winning joke.
16:56 Francine, you're not actually taking the job in Portland? Think about your family.
17:00 Francine Smith spent her whole life thinking about her family.
17:03 And what did it do for her? Nada.
17:07 Francine, listen to me.
17:08 Wait. You throwing that away? This would make a perfect cape.
17:13 I am the Tender Vigilante.
17:17 This city's in pain, and it needs my tender justice.
17:23 Oh, my God, it's working!
17:26 [ Crash ] - [ Car Alarm Blaring ]
17:28 [ Gasps ]
17:30 Hey, sleepyhead.
17:32 Wha-— What happened? - You passed out.
17:35 It's a shame.
17:37 You missed the creation of my latest masterpiece.
17:42 She was here, and I missed her?
17:45 No, my dear Smurf, you are her.
17:49 While you slumbered, I stripped you naked...
17:51 placed a black wig on you, put a cougar in your lap...
17:53 and— [ Chuckles ] Voilà! No!
18:04 [ Screams ] - The girl in the painting was you, wasn't it, Steve?
18:08 How— How did you know?
18:10 Because I was once in love too.
18:19 The Tender Vigilante doesn't have... insurance.
18:27 [ Sighs ]
18:29 Welcome aboard, Sarah.
18:47 Ms. Blanch, your limo is waiting to take you to the airport.
18:50 Thank you, Jonathan.
18:52 And did you give any thought...
18:53 to joining my family for Christmas dinner?
18:55 We hate the thought of you spending another holiday alone.
18:58 Thank you, Jonathan, but I'll be working.
19:00 Plus, you know I don't dine with robots.
19:03 Oh. But you weren't complaining last night...
19:05 when I spent the better part of two hours eating your— baaa!
19:23 Broxton, before we go to the hotel, can we make a stop first?
19:41 I've seen enough, Broxton.
19:49 Ms. Blanch.
19:51 Back for another concrete convention.
19:53 It's been 10 years and three more Garry Marshall movies.
19:57 Let me ask. Are you happy with the life you've chosen?
20:01 No. No, I'm not.
20:03 Well, there's always a way back.
20:09 Uh—[ Clears Throat ] Sorry. Here.
20:19 The Tender Vigilante doesn't have... insurance.
20:26 [ Sighs ]
20:28 We need to talk. I'm you from the future.
20:31 Really?
20:33 When did I get Paulie Walnuts hair?
20:35 Don't get in that car.
20:41 Bye, guys. Have a good day. - Wait. What about breakfast?
20:44 I'm happy to make you breakfast every day except Thursday.
20:48 Thursdays are for me.
20:52 [ Narrator ] And from that moment on...
20:54 Francine made Thursday her day—
20:57 a day to do whatever she pleased
21:00 Yeah, girl Do your thing.
21:03 Get your Thursday on.
21:11 Man, was that close.
21:46 Bye! Have a beautiful time.