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S07E19 Gorillas in the Mist

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00:05 Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08 I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11 The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14 And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20 Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24 Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29 [[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:34 [ All Laughing ]
00:39 [ Fizzing ] - Ah.
00:41 Who-Who's that funny for?
00:42 I'll tell you who it's not funny for. The busboy.
00:45 It's kinda funny.
00:46 Announcement.
00:48 since y'all are like my closest friends in the world...
00:50 I wanted to invite you to my houseboat this Saturday.
00:52 That's sweet of you. - I'm flattered.
00:54 You're so generous, and your feet are adorable.
00:55 The best part is spring break starts this weekend...
00:58 so the lake is gonna be crazy!
01:01 I thought we could make "Sluts Gone Nuts" T-shirts...
01:02 to get girls to show us their taytays.
01:04 Check it out.
01:05 Supplies, biatch.
01:07 Oh, yeah! - Cool! I'm writing the name!
01:10 * [ Funeral Dirge ] - Ah, damn it.
01:12 It's the dad phone. - Oh, that reminds me.
01:15 I have to check my sad phone.
01:16 [ Beeps ] - You have zero messages.
01:19 I don't believe this.
01:21 Francine caught my son trying to ditch his P.S.A.T. prep class...
01:24 so he could go to the zoo.
01:26 Sorry, guys. I gotta go handle this.
01:28 Dick, will you decorate my T-shirt?
01:29 You know what colors I like. - You got it.
01:32 He likes yellow, brown and green.
01:34 He used to like red, but lately he said he's over it.
01:37 Hmm. That's a shame. Red's great.
01:39 I think red stuff looks amazing.
01:42 [ Tires Screech ]
01:45 Steven Anita Smith.
01:46 I told him to sit in his room until you got home.
01:49 I figured you'd want to do the punishing.
01:51 And I figured you would have vacuumed the plant gravel...
01:54 out of the trunk of my car by now.
01:57 So, big shot tried to go to the zoo...
01:59 instead of his P.S.A.T. prep course. - I know it was wrong...
02:02 but my friend Wilson said he could get me into the new gorilla habitat.
02:05 I am suspending all your TV and video game privileges.
02:09 And from here on out, I will personally be taking you...
02:11 to and from every P.S.A.T. course.
02:13 Ah. You're being so uncool.
02:16 Hey, I'm not here to be your friend, Steve. I'm your dad.
02:18 That's why your number's in the dad phone and not my friend phone.
02:22 Friend phone conversations go like this.
02:24 What up, Jackson?
02:26 Of course I wanna hang out and ride 10-speeds or whatever.
02:29 Dad phone conversations go like this.
02:32 Ah, damn it.
02:33 Damn it, damn it, damn it. I'll come home and handle it.
02:36 I don't Know. In five minutes.
02:39 We gotta get the bill and figure out how much I owe.
02:41 I can't stiff these guys just 'cause my son's acting up.
02:44 Honey, that's not fair. I told you I was going out for a drink this morning.
02:48 Yes, I did, in the kitchen. Maybe you weren't listening.
02:51 I-I— Look, I gotta go. You want me home, right?
02:53 I can't come home if I'm on the phone.
02:55 Happy? Now I'm in trouble.
02:57 [ Man ] ~ Flew out the door
02:59 When your boots hit the cement floor, you say, "Howdy, Jason"
03:03 I don't understand it.
03:05 They play three chords and whine about their lives and the crowd goes nuts.
03:08 You gotta listen to the words. Country music comes from the heart.
03:12 It comes from the ass.
03:14 Right in the middle of the ass.
03:16 Watch. Anybody can do it. - [ Crowd Applauding ]
03:19 Ladies and gents, our next performer is new on the country scene.
03:22 Give a warm welcome to Mr. Cuss Mustard.
03:28 Thank you kindly.
03:32 I love drinkin' and race cars
03:34 And big ol' fat women
03:36 And Jesus is awesome He rose on Thanksgivin'
03:40 [ All ] Boo! - Aah! You. I saw you.
03:43 Don't you talk about Jesus!
03:45 I eat Funyuns and Tater Tots
03:47 I kill squirrels with my gun
03:50 Okay. God, I'm finished. - [ Woman ] Get off the stage!
03:52 What happened? They hated me.
03:54 You can't fake country music, Roger.
03:56 It comes from a lifetime of pain and hard living.
03:58 I want some of that.
04:00 Then by next honky-tonk night, I can have a song that blows everyone away.
04:04 Well, you can't just get a lifetime of— - Hat rack.
04:07 How's your life? - Unbearable.
04:10 Perfect.
04:11 Will you marry me?
04:13 Sure. Screw it.
04:16 [ Horns Honking ]
04:17 This is all your fault.
04:19 I'm supposed to be with my friends on the houseboat.
04:21 You don't have to keep picking me up from P.S.A.T. class.
04:24 No, I don't? What do I have to do, master?
04:27 What a dick. - »* [ Dance Music Plays ]
04:31 Stan, where are you? We're ready to cast off.
04:34 I'm caught in traffic, taking Steve home.
04:36 Reginald's not gonna hold the boat much longer.
04:38 He's doing the little dance he does when he's impatient.
04:40 We gotta go!
04:43 Just bring Steve with you. You have to hurry.
04:45 [ Sighs ] I'm on my way.
04:48 Close your eyes, Steve. I don't want you to see me drive like this.
04:52 [ Tires Squealing ] - [I Tires Screeching ]
04:55 Aah! Ooh! Ooh! Aah!
04:58 I Hissin -[ Sicha}
04:59 [ Tires Screech ]
05:00 [ Both Laughing ]
05:03 It's not funny.
05:04 It's kinda funny.
05:05 [ Chattering ] - [I Tires Screech ]
05:09 Yay! Let's go! - I got Ziplocs for everyone's wallet.
05:12 We already saw a girl.
05:15 Just give me a second, fellas.
05:19 You're staying here. I've got no time to act like a parent today.
05:23 Leave that running. I don't want you to hear anything we say out there.
05:26 Our words are not for you.
05:34 Aw, man. What's up with Frank and the schedule?
05:38 Ah! Frank!
05:42 Son of a— Frank.
05:44 I missed my kid's birthday for this.
05:53 [ Kids Laughing ] - [ Baby Crying ]
05:55 This is it. Kids, come meet your new daddy.
05:58 It's perfect. We're poor. We got too many kids. It stinks to high heaven.
06:03 This will inspire one hell of a country song.
06:05 Just need a macchiato to get me going.
06:07 Where's our espresso maker, dear?
06:09 The what?
06:11 No, thank you! - [I Ring Clattering ]
06:14 [ Chattering, Laughing ]
06:18 [ Laughing ]
06:21 [ Laughing Continues ]
06:23 Steve, what the hell are you doing outside the bathroom?
06:25 Jackson came in to doo-doo and let me out.
06:27 After he was done. - I'm better in front of somebody.
06:30 Steve just told the most hilarious, filthy joke. You have to hear it.
06:35 I'm not gonna share a dirty joke with my son. It's inappropriate.
06:38 Stan, it's just a joke. Lighten up.
06:40 [ Sighs ] Fine. One joke.
06:42 Then back in the bathroom. - Okay, here goes.
06:45 So, a man with a tickle in his throat—
06:47 And the donkey looks him straight in the eye...
06:49 and without missing a beat, says...
06:52 "Purple hat."
06:53 [ All Laughing ]
06:56 Okay.
06:57 What's wrong, Stan? You didn't like it?
06:59 Actually, I thought it was very well crafted—
07:01 the perfect combination of dirty and smart.
07:03 It was really quite elegant.
07:05 Well, why aren't you laughing?
07:07 Because I don't share laughs with my son.
07:09 There's nothing wrong with laughing, Dad.
07:11 I said I don't need to laugh.
07:13 Purple hat, Dad.
07:15 [ Laughs ] Steve, Steve, stop it.
07:16 I'm not doing anything.
07:18 It was the donkey. He said, "Purple hat."
07:22 [ Laughing ] Don't-Don't you mess with me!
07:24 It's okay. It's okay.
07:27 "Purple hat."
07:28 [ Chuckling ]
07:30 "Purple hat."
07:32 That's what was said...
07:34 by the donkey.
07:36 [ Chuckling ]
07:38 [ Loud Laughter ]
07:42 Oh, for God's sake, get this boy a T-shirt.
07:44 Yeah! - Put that shirt on that boy.
07:46 Attaboy! - [ Crashing ]
07:48 [ Women Screaming ]
07:52 [ Men ] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
07:55 Steve, you don't know how gl— how glad I am to be done...
08:00 with all this father-son crap.
08:02 It's buddy-buddy from here on out.
08:04 That means so much to me.
08:07 Look. I'm taking you out of the dad phone...
08:10 and I'm putting you in the friend phone.
08:13 It's offi-ficial.
08:14 Oh, my God. Thanks, Dad.
08:17 Hey. - What?
08:18 Y-Y¥-You can call me Stan.
08:20 [ Reginald ] They got me, y'all. Watch my boat.
08:31 That was amazing. You— You are super fun, man.
08:34 You're fun. I love being friends with you, Stan.
08:37 Hey, let's make some nachos, melt some queso.
08:43 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Knock, knock.
08:45 Oh, are you— are you doing a knock-knock— knock-knock joke?
08:48 Yeah, yeah. You just made me think of it. Knock, knock.
08:50 Who's there? - [ Chuckles ]
08:52 Queso. - Queso who?
08:54 [ Squeaky Fart ]
08:56 'Kay, so I farted.
08:58 [ Laughing ] Yes.
09:00 Hey, you wanna wake up early tomorrow and go for a run?
09:04 Oh, definitely. You wanna say, like, 7:00?
09:06 7:15, to be safe.
09:09 [ Sizzling ] - [ Steve Groans ]
09:12 There you are.
09:13 What time did you and your dad get home last night?
09:16 He wouldn't even budge this morning.
09:17 Ah, don't know. It's kind of blurry.
09:21 Good Lord. You smell like a brewery.
09:24 Did your father let you drink beer last night?
09:33 Ah! You have been drinking.
09:36 Stan, how could you let Steve get drunk last night?
09:40 It was a mistake, Francine. I wasn't thinking straight.
09:42 I was with my friends. We had some drinks.
09:44 We were on a boat. I was— I was boat-notized.
09:47 Boat-notized?
09:49 Oh! Like ship-notized?
09:51 Ship-notized? Ah, that-that means nothing.
09:54 Look, I told Steve to stay away from the adult activity...
09:57 but he disobeyed me. - What?
09:59 Stan, he needs to be punished.
10:01 Oh, don't worry. He will be.
10:03 Dad, I don't understand why I'm in trouble.
10:05 Dude, dude, dude. Francine's lame, all right?
10:07 It's cool. We're cool. - Wait.
10:09 So you're not gonna punish me like Mom said?
10:11 Come on, we're boys now. Bros before hos, my man.
10:15 Brothers before whores all day long.
10:18 And Mom's the whore in that situation?
10:20 All day long.
10:23 [ Calypso ]
10:26 [I Continues ]
10:29 Hey, what happened to being a country singer?
10:32 Oh, living the honky-tonk life is too hard.
10:34 I'm doing calypso dancing now. - I don't blame you.
10:37 The woman you ran off with was a mess.
10:39 Did she have a tattoo of Burt Reynolds on her stomach?
10:42 No, she didn't. It's Victor from the Young and the Restless.
10:45 [ Theme From The Young and the Restless ]
10:48 You're comin' with me, you son of a bitch.
10:50 We're married. You got a family to look after.
10:53 Oh. Oh, sorry. No. No, you've got me confused with someone else.
10:56 I'm a Caribbean dancer. The name's Calypso Banana Puffy-Sleeves.
11:00 [ Slider Cocks ] - You call yourself whatever the hell you want...
11:03 but you're my husband and you're comin' home with me.
11:05 Hey, Maurice, I'm gonna have to cancel on you today.
11:07 I'm sorry to make you drive all the way down here.
11:10 Eh, no problem, Mr. Sleeves.
11:12 é [ Calypso ]
11:16 [ Rock ]
11:20 sometimes I think music is the one thing that can save the world.
11:24 Sometimes I think Francine fakes her orgasms.
11:27 Well, through the wall, it sounds like you're slayin' it.
11:29 Thanks, man.
11:31 What's going on in here? - Me and Steve are just hangin'.
11:34 Is that supposed to be part of Steve's punishment?
11:37 Hey, Stan, you think Mom's mad...
11:39 or do you think she's just faking it?
11:41 Nice one. - What does that mean?
11:44 Nothing, dear. Inside joke. You wouldn't get it.
11:46 Apparently she never does.
11:47 Hi-yo!
11:50 [ Scoffs ]
11:55 [ Kids Laughing ]
11:58 Stop running. I'm trying to get the baby to sleep.
12:01 What are you looking at? Don't look at me.
12:03 You speak English? You need a kick in the head?
12:05 Ah, screw it.
12:07 Naydern, I'm, uh— I'm gonna go get some... cigarettes.
12:10 [ Slider Cocks ] - That's the same thing my ex said and he never came back.
12:13 Okay, relax. You're right.
12:15 Oh, my God! Tornado!
12:20 My daddy never came back 'cause I shot him.
12:28 [ Dance]
12:30 Shello.
12:31 Dude, what are you up to right now? - Boring work.
12:34 You need to tell Bullock you're sick and come meet me at the zoo.
12:37 You're at the zoo? Shouldn't you be at school?
12:39 Wow. You sound like a total dad right now.
12:41 Oh, no, no. I'm just saying—
12:43 Look, today's the final day of this amazing gorilla exhibit.
12:46 Don't be lame. - I'm not lame.
12:48 If you're not lame, then meet my ass down here.
12:50 Fine. I'll meet your ass. I'll meet your ass right now.
12:53 That's what I'm talkin' about. Peace.
12:55 [ Cell Phone Beeps ] - Wow. That was an awesome way to get off the phone.
12:59 I said kill them! Kill them all
13:02 Yes, yes! Them too!
13:03 Also them!
13:05 No, not him! That's me.
13:09 [ Knocking ] - What is it?
13:10 sir, I'm not feeling so well.
13:12 Oh, no. Oh, my God. Stan.
13:15 Oh, I'm so sorry.
13:17 I hate that.
13:18 Come here.
13:20 I wish it were me.
13:22 I wish I could just absorb your germs and make my body fight them.
13:26 I-i-i-i think— I think I'll be okay if I just go home.
13:29 Absolutely.
13:31 Whatever you need. Just get better.
13:34 It makes me so angry that little viruses can just traipse in here...
13:39 and treat your body like a playground.
13:42 It-It's all right, sir. I should be better by tomorrow.
13:44 I— I just— I just feel so helpless, you know.
13:47 It's really not that bad.
13:49 Have we displeased you, Almighty God in heaven?
13:53 Do our lives mean nothing to you?
13:55 [ Sobbing ]
14:00 [ Elephant Trumpeting ]
14:03 All right! Stan the man's here!
14:06 Told you I'd be here, didn't I' Who's this guy?
14:09 That's Wilson. He's a total dirtbag.
14:11 Dirt a-bag.
14:14 Wilson's gonna give us the keys to go inside the gorilla enclosure.
14:18 Isn't that amazing?
14:19 I thought we were just gonna look at gorillas.
14:22 I'm not going in there. And honestly, Steve, I don't think you should either.
14:24 That's weak sauce, Stan.
14:26 Do not enter that sauce in the county fair because it is weak.
14:29 I'm going solo, Wilson. Let's do this.
14:32 [ Birds Tweeting, Chirping ]
14:41 It's even more amazing than I— - [ Growls ]
14:43 What's happening, Wilson?
14:45 [ Laughs ] Look at that silly gorilla.
14:48 It's not funny, Wilson.
14:54 [ Panting ]
14:57 [ Grunts ]
15:04 It's kinda funny.
15:06 [ Exhales ]
15:14 [ Grunting, Hooting ]
15:21 I don't like this.
15:22 The zookeeper's here, Steve. Everything's gonna be okay.
15:24 Well, I never said everything is gonna be okay.
15:27 That's a gorilla. I mean, how could you let your son go in there?
15:30 I didn't let him go in. I-
15:32 Look, what happened was, I was at work...
15:35 and he told me to meet his ass down here, so I met his ass down here.
15:42 [ Sucking ] - What's he doing?
15:45 Can't you shoot it with a tranquilizer or something?
15:47 Yeah, if we do, he could seize up and crush the boy.
15:49 We need to wait for Bobo's personal handler. - [ Beeping ]
15:52 Unfortunately, he's at a matinee right now. I hope he picks up.
15:56 [ Cell Phone Rings ]
15:59 [ Sighs ] Is it an emergency? - Shh.
16:01 Well, when was the last time Bobo ate?
16:03 Shh. [ Groans ]
16:05 That long? Oh, this isn't good.
16:07 Excuse me. some of us are trying to watch this porno.
16:11 [ Woman Moaning ]
16:12 [ All ] Ugh!
16:14 [ Crashing ] - [ Child ] Give me that!
16:16 [ Child #2 ] Give It to me! Give it back!
16:17 [ Naydern ] You better not be sleepin' in there!
16:19 Dog's scoochin' on the floor again. You need to squeeze out his butthole.
16:22 Just a minute, baby.
16:25 [ Baby Crying ] - [ Kids Shouting ]
16:26 [ Ripping ]
16:28 Hello. 911?
16:29 [ Police Radio Chatter ]
16:31 You let go of me. I never touched that son of a bitch.
16:35 Yes, you did, Naydern.
16:37 she said she was gonna scissors off my hog.
16:39 We wanna go with our mama. - [ Whining ]
16:41 sorry. You kids are gonna be split up and placed in foster care.
16:44 Wait. You can't keep 'em all together?
16:46 No way. We'll be lucky to find them any homes at all.
16:49 [ Children Crying ] - I want Mama!
16:51 [ Children ] Raji!
16:56 [ Splat ]
16:57 [ Theme From The Young and the Restless ]
17:02 Looks like you've been through some hard times.
17:09 Actually, I was fine until I saw that face of yours.
17:12 It's painful just to look at you.
17:14 [ Gasps ] Oh, my God.
17:16 I think I understand country music.
17:19 [ Guitar ]
17:22 I saw the ugliest woman I ever did saw
17:26 Face like a turnip and an underbit jaw
17:29 Yeah, man! Tell it how it is!
17:32 Inbred from inbreds, then inbred again
17:36 if ugly was pretty, then she'd be a 10
17:39 That sounds just like my wife!
17:41 she was so damn ugly f
17:45 so I got drunk and fucked her in my truck
17:46 Good night! - [ All Cheering ]
17:49 [ Cheering Continues ]
17:52 [ Woman ] Oh, my gosh. He's just a boy.
17:56 It's gonna kill him.
18:00 Hold tight, Steve. The handler's on his way.
18:02 You've been saying that for 20 minutes.
18:04 Steve, I'm coming in to get you.
18:11 That's enough, Bobo.
18:12 [ Snarling ]
18:14 No, Bobo.
18:19 Chill out, Bobo.
18:21 * [ Funeral Dirge ] - Hello.
18:24 Hi, Stan. Just checking to see when I can expect you home.
18:28 Oh, normal time. Everything's normal. Why would you ask?
18:31 Oh, because you and Steve are all over the news right now!
18:35 According to sources, Langley Falls resident Stan Smith, quote...
18:38 "Got his ass down here." end quote...
18:40 to meet his son on a school day.
18:42 You better hope that gorilla kills you before I get there, Stan.
18:46 [ Cell Phone Beeps ]
18:49 Oh, God. What do I do?
18:51 It's a simple waltz, Steve. One, two, three. One, two, three.
18:54 Bobo, I need you to let these people go.
18:56 Bobo's handler. We're saved.
19:00 Not exactly.
19:01 He just said he wants the boy to stay with him tonight.
19:04 I don't wanna die from gorilla sex.
19:07 [ Grunting ]
19:08 [ People Chattering, Murmuring ]
19:12 Looks like there might be a threesome, Steve.
19:14 That's, uh, Rex, Bobo's father. I'm his handler.
19:18 He said— [ Shouting ] "What do you think you're doing, Son?
19:21 You woke me up."
19:23 "I'm just playing, Dad."
19:25 "Look at all the commotion you've caused.
19:27 You think you'll get into a good captive breeding program...
19:30 acting like this?
19:32 Get inside right now."
19:34 "But this boy's father's letting him play."
19:37 "You call that man a father?
19:39 No respectable parent would let their child in here."
19:42 Hey, for your information, Rex, my son and I work better as friends.
19:46 "I'm sure you do.
19:48 Friends don't have to worry about discipline or setting an example.
19:51 It's easy to be a friend.
19:54 That's why kids have lots of them.
19:56 But a father— our kids only get one of those.
20:00 Who are we to take that away from them?
20:06 Now, come along, Bobo.
20:08 You're grounded for three moons."
20:13 "I love you too, Dad."
20:15 [ Crowd Cheering ]
20:16 Oh, Daddy, if you're watching, I forgive you.
20:19 Hey, Tank, ain't that your boy? - What?
20:21 No. No. Uh, that's not my kid.
20:23 That's my son.
20:25 [ Dance]
20:34 He seems pretty cool.
20:39 How crazy was that?
20:41 Put your fist away right now. - Uh-oh.
20:43 You're making up all the schoolwork you missed today...
20:46 plus extra credit. - Yes, sir.
20:48 There you are. How dare you—
20:50 Lie to you and lose all control of my son?
20:52 I'll be able to think about that long and hard...
20:54 while I'm cleaning the gutters and buying you a diamond bracelet, won't I?
20:57 Uh—- Yes, you will.
20:59 Damn right I will.
21:01 I'm going straight to the most expensive jewelry store I can find...
21:03 to buy the most expensive bracelet they got.
21:11 How much for that? - Fifty bucks.
21:17 [Man] Slow,
21:22 Not the meter of today
21:30 But I'm not singing for now anyway
21:39 this slow, slow tune
21:47 Bye! Have a beautiful time.