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And I hate to waste a good spotlight. [ Clears Throat ]
S05E12 Roy Rogers McFreely
08:47 – 08:50
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It's Rogers. Roy Rogers McFreely.
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[ Imitating Jodie Foster ] You see a lot, Dr. Lecter.
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A.
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[Chorus ] ~ Good morning, USA.
00:32
[ Together ] Three, two, one, and—
00:37
[ Both Sigh]
00:39
Grand. - That it is, boy.
00:41
Nothing more satisfying than witnessing the uniformity of a neighborhood in sync.
00:45
The only thing that even comes close is Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video.
00:55
Hey, Dad, will you sign my petition?
00:57
I'm trying to get the city to give us those blue recycling bins for our neighborhood.
01:00
Absolutely not. I'm zombie dancing with my son.
01:02
I get it. You're against recycling because I'm for it, right?
01:05
Right. But in a way, wrong. Because everything you say is wrong.
01:09
Hear that, Steve? That's the sound of the man talking.
01:16
[ Grunts ] What the hell?
01:18
Neighborhood watch, missy. Mailbox stickers are against the bylaws.
01:21
Great takedown, Greg. - [ Sprinkler Spurting ]
01:23
Shh! Hear that? [ Gasps ]
01:29
An above-ground sprinkler on the front lawn? No, sir!
01:33
What's next? Prostitutes rising out of the ground and spitting all over our lawns?
01:37
Well, not in my neighborhood! When's the next homeowner's association meeting?
01:41
A Week from Monday. - Then I will see you in 10 days!
01:43
Stay at this emotional level until then! I Know I will!
01:50
This new toothpaste tastes exactly like I thought it would!
01:55
It may not seem like much of a threat...
01:57
but an above-ground sprinkler is a snake in the grass!
02:00
[ Rattling Sound ] - [All Gasp ]
02:02
And what about the children? - [ Cartoonish ]
02:05
Sure, it looks like an innocent game of dolly catch.
02:08
But wait! Bad throw! - [All Gasp ]
02:14
[ Gasps ] - I was having no idea of danger!
02:17
I move to prohibit above-ground sprinklers.
02:19
I second that. - All In favor say "aye."
02:21
[All] Aye. - [All Cheering ]
02:23
See, Son? The system works. - You were awesome, Dad!
02:27
Stop killing Mother Earth! Recycle or die!
02:31
We can't entertain motions not on the agenda.
02:34
You can leave your jacket off but please sit down.
02:37
Say, Stan, have you considered coming back to the board? We still don't have a chairman.
02:42
No can do. Term limits, you know. And I served my eight terms.
02:46
Maybe I could be chair— - No! Oh, wait. Sweetie, I'm sorry.
02:48
I cut you off. Please finish your thought. - Maybe I could be chairman.
02:51
[ High Voice ] No!
02:56
Why doesn't Stan think I have what it takes to be chairman of the homeowner's association?
03:00
All it takes is two hours on Monday night.
03:03
I don't do anything Monday nights.
03:05
Well, you clean my bowl on Monday nights. - Humans are talking!
03:09
[ Bowl Crashing ] - Dad just doesn't get it.
03:11
He doesn't even want to learn about recycling. - He's a fudge maker.
03:13
No ifs, ands or buts about it. Where's the cola?
03:16
In the pantry. - Oh, no! What?
03:21
It's room temp! - So put it in the fridge.
03:25
Look, Stan will be home from the store any second...
03:28
and I put grenadine on the list.
03:31
Grenadine turns cold cola into a Roy Rogers.
03:34
You know what grenadine turns warm cola into?
03:37
You tell me when I throw it in your face.
03:39
[ Karate Yell ]
03:41
Sorry I took so long. I farted pulling into the driveway...
03:44
and I just wanted to enjoy it for a while.
03:48
Uh, Stan, is there another bag in the car? - No.
03:51
But there's no grenadine in here. - You don't need grenadine.
03:54
Yes, I do. It goes in cola to make a Roy Rogers!
03:57
I had a Roy Rogers once. Hated it. Won't have it in my house.
04:00
That and Cilantro. Not the herb, the Mexican singer.
04:03
He's gonna be huge, and I want nothing to do with him.
04:05
But that's not fair! - No grenadine!
04:07
[ Klaus ] I'm dying. - No whining!
04:13
[ Clicking, Mechanical Whirring ]
04:18
What the hell?
04:20
Whoa! Hey! What are you doing? This is my car!
04:23
Sorry, brother. It was parked in front of the fire hydrant, yeah?
04:26
But we don't have a fire hydrant. - You do now.
04:29
Morning, Stan. Here to inaugurate the new hydrant?
04:32
Well, better christen it with my fire hose.
04:34
Principal Lewis! - Are you excited or terrified?
04:37
I have to decide whether I'm joking or not.
04:39
What's this hydrant doing here?
04:41
It was pushed through by the new chairman of the homeowner's association.
04:44
Roy Rogers McFreely. - Who?
04:49
Roy Rogers McFreely is the name.
04:52
Chairing the homeowner's association's my game.
04:55
Yes, I Know what you're thinking, but the jacket is vintage.
04:57
You won't be able to find one anywhere. - You can't put a hydrant here!
05:00
Oh, no? Is this inside your house?
05:03
Maybe you're in charge there where they don't serve grenadine!
05:06
But out here, I'm the law! You're in McFreely Town!
05:10
Royville! Rogersburg!
05:13
[ Sneezes ] Excuse me. Anyway, this is my town!
05:15
Charles, we're moving out!
05:22
I apologize for the lack of drama in this exit.
05:40
See something you like? Nice, isn't it?
05:43
A gift from the fire chief himself because of the hydrant.
05:47
You know how hard it is to get a real fireman's helmet? I should know.
05:50
I tried to order one online so I could go in and loot burning houses.
05:54
Now I can! Can't wait to head downtown if the Wizards win the championship.
05:59
You feel that pressure on the back of your neck, Dad?
06:01
That's the thumb of the man pressing down on you! -i'm still the man!
06:05
I'm gonna have that hydrant removed next Monday at the homeowner's association meeting.
06:10
Hey! - Yes, the man gets the biggest piece.
06:12
And you? You'll have this little piece.
06:15
And while you're serving me, how about a little dollop of horseradish on the side?
06:18
This is my horseradish! All of it.
06:24
[ Grunting ]
06:33
[ Loud Grunt ]
06:36
[ Whimpers ]
06:38
[ Sobbing ]
06:43
Well, you win this round. I'm gonna go to my room and listen to Cilantro albums.
06:48
[ Singing In Spanish ]
06:51
Dad, what happened to the system? Is-Is it broken?
06:54
No, Son. They system's stronger than an alien in a wig.
06:58
At next Monday's board meeting, that hydrant's going bye-bye. Excuse me a second.
07:02
[ Vomiting ] Oh, God, it hurts more coming up! [ Vomiting ]
07:10
[ Clanking, Mechanical Whirring ]
07:20
You woke me up in the middle of a dream! I was in the "Sledgehammer" video...
07:24
and I was made of clay, and I was so flexible, and I loved it!
07:27
Oh, that's a good video, yeah?
07:29
But the homeowner's association ordered earlier trash pickup at this house only.
07:33
[Roger] Tell him seven days a week.
07:35
Seven days a week! - Roger?
07:36
Tell him no. - No!
07:38
-I can hear you, Roger. - Drive! Let's go!
07:41
[ Beeping ]
07:43
I can see you! I can see your whole upper body! - Good morning!
07:47
Get me out of here. He's putting it together.
07:52
What's the matter, Dad? The man got his boot up your ass? - Don't worry. I'm fine.
07:56
The system's gonna pull that boot right out of my ass and sew my anus up nice and tight.
08:01
Might even get it bleached. Birthday's comin' up.
08:06
Hah! Hah! Gotta think! Gotta clear my head! Hah!
08:09
Stan, I told you. I have a fever.
08:12
That's why I went to bed right after dinner.
08:17
What to do? What to do? What to do?
08:19
Please, I really am not well.
08:22
Ho, ho, yes! I'll just put that trash thing in the proposal at Monday's meeting!
08:27
What the—
08:33
A motion-sensor light? The association doesn't allow motion-sensor lights!
08:41
It does now. - Listen, Roger!
08:44
It's Rogers. Roy Rogers McFreely.
08:47
And I hate to waste a good spotlight. [ Clears Throat ]
08:50
[ Imitating Jodie Foster ] You see a lot, Dr. Lecter.
08:52
But are you strong enough to point that high-powered perception at yourself?
08:56
How 'bout it? Look at yourself and write down the truth.
09:00
Or maybe you're afraid to.
09:04
Well, that was good.
09:09
And so I move that all bylaws which have been recklessly amended by Chairman McFreely...
09:15
be reinstated to their original glory.
09:18
I also propose that a warning label be placed on all horseradish...
09:21
that clearly states that if you ingest an entire bottle, you will blow out your sphincter.
09:26
Also, if anyone knows anyone who recently died with an intact size-three sphincter...
09:30
please contact me as I am currently very low on the waiting list for a donor.
09:36
[ PA. Feedback Squeals ] - Let's put 'er to a vote.
09:38
Anyone in favor? - [All] No.
09:40
[ Gasps ] - And I vote no. Motion denied unanimously.
09:44
In your face with a can of mace! Make you cry all over the place!
09:47
Moving along. Father Donovan, you want to paint your house a previously unapproved color.
09:52
Linda, you want a hedge-height exemption. And, Sergei, you'd like bus maps to be in Russian.
09:56
I would prefer all maps be in Russian.
09:58
Except treasure maps. Sergei don't need to go on another treasure hunt.
10:03
[ Chuckling ] No, sir!
10:05
Turning to these motions, which we secretly agreed to approve last night at Linda's house.
10:09
Again, sorry I ate all the ambrosia salad. I did not realize it was for everyone.
10:13
All In favor? - [All] Aye!
10:15
What— What's going on? - Dirty politics.
10:18
That's how your beloved system really works. - What are you talking about?
10:21
I think this symbol says it best. - Ghostbusters II?
10:24
What? [ Groans ] I gotta stop smoking salvia before I go to the body-painting place.
10:29
I ain't fraid of no ghosts.
10:42
Oh, God! Nonnative ornamental grasses! Steve, don't look!
10:50
[ Steve Groaning ]
10:52
Did you crash when you saw the nonnative ornamental grass? - I did the same thing.
10:56
He did. The exact same thing.
11:00
McFreely's corrupted the association with backroom deals.
11:04
Well, there's no way we're gonna enforce his obscene regulations.
11:07
You're right about that.
11:10
Because as of now, the neighborhood watch is disbanded.
11:16
[ Air Blowing ]
11:18
[ Sputtering ]
11:20
[ Imitates Motor ]
11:22
And the pink berets? What of them?
11:25
ill wear them on my feet when I pretend to be a lady surgeon.
11:29
Tell me if i'm squeezing your ribs too hard with my thighs.
11:32
You're not. - How bout now?
11:38
[ Kazoo: Taps ]
11:41
Who died? - The system. Happy, Hayley?
11:45
The system is dead. - Dad, the system's not dead.
11:49
It's just that for the first time in your life, you're on the outside looking in.
11:52
The death you're feeling is the loss of your innocence.
11:55
Thanks, Hayley. Another simple point said long.
11:58
Look, Dad. Roger's in charge, and your wishes are counter to his.
12:02
That means you're part of the counterculture. And do you know what that means, Dad?
12:06
You and I are finally on the same side.
12:08
You're right! So what do we do?
12:11
We stick it to the man. - Stick it to the man?
12:14
Say it like you mean it! - We're gonna stick it to the man.
12:17
Louder! - We're gonna stick it to the man!
12:19
What are we gonna do? - We're gonna stick it to the man!
12:22
Ten percent more! - We're gonna fuck up some shit!
12:25
Ninety percent less. - We'll stick it to the man.
12:32
Power to the people! - Eh, Dad, that's still a little Hitler-y.
12:38
Dad, I found out how you can reintroduce your proposal at the next association meeting!
12:42
Look! - What is all this?
12:44
Forms! If we fill them out properly and submit them in a timely fashion...
12:47
you can reintroduce your proposal within seven business days!
12:50
Does my headband look like the kind of thing a person who fills out forms would wear?
12:55
Is-- Is that Mom's scarf?
12:57
You're asking all the wrong questions, Steve!
12:59
Now that Roger's the man, it's time for revolution!
13:02
But Roger's too powerful for just the two of us to take down. We're gonna need help.
13:05
When do I start? i'll wear one of Mom's scarves too.
13:08
There's a butterfly one that's just gorgeous.
13:12
Ohh, I know the one he's thinking of. It is gorgeous.
13:17
Thank you all for coming. We find ourselves in troubling times.
13:22
Not compared to the rest of the world obviously. But here in the—
13:26
bosom of our upper-middle-class... bosom—
13:32
Uh, the— The, uh— The bosom?
13:36
I'll take it from here, Dad. -I kept saying bosom. I don't know why.
13:39
I've never used that word before in my life. - It's okay, Dad. It's okay.
13:43
Chairman McFreely may have disbanded the neighborhood watch.
13:46
He may have taken your pink berets.
13:48
But he can't take your spirit! Now is the time to fight!
13:51
[ Man] What's happening? - We're being rallied by a young strumpet!
13:54
Who's on the speakerphone? - That's Phil.
13:56
Hey. - He's agoraphobic, so he can't go outside.
13:59
But he watches the corner of Wilton and Delancy for us.
14:02
That is just the kind of dedication we're looking for.
14:04
Together, we can render McFreely powerless, forcing him to resign in shame.
14:09
And this is how we're gonna do it— with some unscheduled maintenance.
14:13
[ Gasps ] Vandalism? - Constructive vandalism.
14:16
We're gonna put our neighborhood back the way it was.
14:19
[All Cheering ] - Listen to them cheering!
14:23
I think they forgot about the bosom thing! - They did.
14:25
Don't bring it up again. - I won't!
14:27
Bosom.
14:31
[ Tires Screech ]
14:46
-[ Phil ] What's that pounding? - We're using you as a hammer.
14:49
I'm part of the team!
14:55
This is taking too long.
14:57
On the next house, maybe we skip the primer and just do a coat of paint.
15:01
Hey, I take pride in what I do.
15:04
I'm a little ashamed of you right now.
15:22
Slowly. Slowly.
15:25
Don't trigger that light. - I know how to pull a rope!
15:28
I won three Battle of the Network Stars. I used to be Gabe Kaplan.
15:39
[ Phil ] You know what would be funny? Put the flag up.
15:42
The mailman will think they've got outgoing mail.
15:44
That's a great idea, speakerphone.
15:56
[ Yawns ]
16:01
[ Gasps ] - [ Bike Bell Rings ]
16:05
Constructive vandalism? Charles, how does my morning look?
16:08
You have cereal and cartoons till 10:00. - No can do!
16:12
Summon the gardeners immediately. Time to get some payback.
16:15
To the bathroom, princess style!
16:20
The roses! McFreely and his thugs killed our roses!
16:24
Every petal shall be avenged. We're gonna fight back with everything we've got!
16:28
She's right. And besides, I have nothing left to live for!
16:32
We have a child. - Can't I be dramatic for five seconds?
16:56
[ Squawking ]
17:08
They send one of ours to the hospital, we send one of theirs to the morgue!
17:13
Damn it, McFreely! How could you do this?
17:16
McFreely didn't kill him, Dad. He died of old age.
17:19
Well, if McFreely isn't responsible for this, what's his next move?
17:22
-[ Phil] I think I know. - Yes, speakerphone?
17:24
[ Roger ] Hello, morons. - It's McFreely!
17:27
I think it's time for speakerphone to get a little fresh air.
17:30
[ Phil ] Guys, they're taking me out on the veranda!
17:34
Oh, God! I can smell the grass!
17:38
Hang on, speakerphone! -[ Clicks, Dial Tone ]
17:40
We already lost old guy! We're not losing speakerphone!
17:43
Dad, they have names. - There's no time for names!
17:46
Come on! Jugs, nerd, gays— to the van!
17:55
Phil, we're here! - Take me back in the house. Please!
18:02
Hey, Terry, hang back for a second. I gotta ask you something.
18:04
Did you picture speakerphone as— - No, no. Not at all.
18:08
Me neither. I was super surprised.
18:10
[ Speaking Spanish ]
18:12
[All Laugh ] - [Stan ] McFreely!
18:15
[Crashing ]
18:19
Let me in, you sons of bitches! I'll kill all your families!
18:24
Good news. I have trapped the Mexicans in the house.
18:34
[Acoustic Guitar ]
18:38
[ Man Singing in Spanish ]
18:51
[Man] Wha— Hey! -[ Woman Screams ]
18:54
Continues ] - [ Both Screaming ]
19:14
[ Grunting ]
19:18
See you later, boys.
19:25
Sweet move.
19:32
[ Grunting ]
19:35
You should have bought the grenadine! It was on the list!
19:38
It was... unnecessary. - You think everything I want is unnecessary!
19:42
You wouldn't let me adopt a rabbit! You never let me watch The Hills!
19:45
You wouldn't let me get that Gael García Bernal poster!
19:48
His eyes are green and he's Latin. I need it!
19:51
So, Mr. Tyrant, prepare to drink a Roy Rogers!
19:55
No! I hate those! Get off me, you fat hag!
19:59
[ Gagging ] This cola's warm!
20:02
It's been in my pants for three weeks serving as my meaty parts. Sad to see it go really.
20:07
[ Screams ]
20:09
Good job, Hayley! - Stop! I got a sheet of acid in my pocket!
20:15
Not until you resign from the association!
20:18
Not until I get a say at home! I want to be heard!
20:21
Dad, you know how you felt when you had no say in the neighborhood?
20:24
That's how Roger feels at home all the time.
20:29
If I give you a Say, you promise you'll resign?
20:32
Yes, yes, I promise!
20:37
Well, Stan, I guess it makes no difference now.
20:41
It was me, Roger, the whole time.
20:52
[ Acoustic Guitar ]
20:54
[ Man Singing In Spanish ]
21:12
[Clapping ] - Damn, hombre, you can dance!
21:17
Bye. Have a beautiful time!
