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[ Groans ] Splinter!
S05E17 Every Which Way But Lose
03:29 – 03:31
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We were. You ruined it by mentioning it.
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I like the way you're putting the kid through his groin drills.
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A.
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:28
[Chorus ] ~ Good morning, USA.
00:32
[Man On TV] That's exactly the guy you want with the ball.
00:34
No. No. Come on! God, you wanna be a loser all your life?
00:38
Were you talking to me? - No, the Redskins.
00:40
You're performing at or near expectations.
00:42
Well, I'm back from the chemistry olympiad. I got a platinum medal.
00:46
That's terrific, honey. Oh, you're Mommy's little brain-haver.
00:50
So, what's that? You got first place?
00:52
No, platinum is 78th, the same as its place in the periodic table.
00:56
So, you lost. - Well, Dad...
00:58
you can't really expect a non-Korean to place higher than cobalt.
01:01
But check it out. - Fumble? Loser!
01:04
That guy just cost us the game. I assume he'll be killing himself tonight.
01:08
Dad, come on. - Oh, I Know what you're thinking, Steve.
01:10
You'd prefer he'd be dragged through the streets— mob justice.
01:13
That's a legitimate view. It's not my own, but I respect it.
01:15
Anyway, platinum is used as a catalyst—
01:17
I'm sorry, Steve. You lost me. I guess that's the second thing you lost today.
01:22
Oh, no, and my respect. That's three.
01:24
Wait, Steve. Your keys. You also lost your keys.
01:28
That's four. Four times a loser.
01:34
So I says, "Hell, half the petty officers in the 7th fleet could have fathered that kid.
01:38
Why am I the one that's gotta pay to fix his cleft palate?"
01:41
But the whole thing was messy, so I jumped ship in Okinawa...
01:44
caught a flight home, got back last night.
01:46
Anyhoo, what's got you so glum? - It's Dad.
01:48
He always ignores me 'cause I never win anything.
01:50
Hmm, how to get your dad's attention. That is a tough one.
01:54
A lot of kids are starting fires these days. Maybe that'd work.
01:57
No, that's not the kind of attention I mean.
02:00
Maybe you should just give up on your dad.
02:02
Face it, he's a douche. And I would know.
02:05
I used to run human resources for Summer's Eve.
02:08
Great company. They would throw a family day picnic at Six Flags every year.
02:11
Oh, were those good times. Boy, did we look forward to those.
02:15
[ Whistle Blows ]
02:17
Wait a second. That's it!
02:19
I can sign up for the "footballs" team.
02:22
Dad loves sports. I bet he'd love to watch me play.
02:25
Steve, look at those kids. They're athletes.
02:27
When was the last time you ran anywhere?
02:29
I mean with your actual legs, not by pressing "x."
02:32
That doesn't matter. Look, it says right here. See?
02:35
"All players on each team must play in every game." Everybody plays!
02:39
I'm gonna play football. Dad will have to pay attention to that.
02:46
Roger! - Okay, football's your plan. I get it. But this is here.
02:49
Low-hanging fruit if you need it.
02:55
Oh, Father, I was wondering if you might sign something for me.
02:59
-[ Grunts ] - It's a permission slip for junior football!
03:02
Junior football? Why, you've never done anything that required medical permission.
03:07
You're damn right I won't sue if you're paralyzed.
03:13
Steve, there's something I'd like to give you. It's my old protective cup.
03:17
I whittled it myself out of a solid bough of oak.
03:20
Now I want you to wear it. - [ Gasps ]
03:24
Dad, are we having a father/son moment?
03:27
We were. You ruined it by mentioning it.
03:29
[ Groans ] Splinter!
03:31
I like the way you're putting the kid through his groin drills.
03:33
A sturdy groin is the linchpin of victory.
03:37
Vince Lombardi said that. And he would have loved your mauve sweat suit.
03:40
You know, we need more coaches. Can I sign you up, mister—
03:43
Smith. Stan Smith. And you sure can!
03:45
I'll coach my boy's team. - You called me your boy!
03:48
-[ Groans ] - Quit ruining moments!
03:52
Mom, please, enough.
03:54
If I have one more piece of vomit pie, I'm going to pumpkin.
03:58
One more. Taste it, and be harsh.
04:01
Mom, your pies are fine.
04:03
"Fine" won't wow the judges at the county fair.
04:06
And "fine" certainly won't beat Miss Carlotta Monterey's pie.
04:11
Oh, is there a Carlotta Monterey pie here?
04:13
Nope. Still Mom's. - Oh.
04:15
You know Carlotta Monterey doesn't even show up to pick up her prizes?
04:20
She submits a self-addressed, blue-ribbon-sized envelope along with her pie.
04:24
That cocky pie skank!
04:26
This whole business of baking contests for women is so 1950s.
04:30
Why don't you give back your right to vote while you're at it, Mom?
04:34
I don't vote. It's just so confusing.
04:37
I go into the booth, pull the curtain, and count to 10.
04:40
Then I come out, yell "Democracy!" and run to my car.
04:46
Heslup! Dunnigan! Smith!
04:50
Nice work, Heslup. Good grab, Dunnigan.
04:52
[ Groans ] That's my dad.
04:54
Just getting the hang of it, Coach.
04:57
Be careful, Steve. There's a man throwing things.
04:59
Chubs! -[ Screams ]
05:02
All right, huddle up, Wolverines.
05:04
Boys and girl— You're a girl, right?
05:07
This country. All right, listen up.
05:09
We've got our first game next week. What are we gonna do?
05:11
[ All] Win! - That's right. Now take a lap.
05:14
Steve, hold up, Son. - Did you see me out there, Dad?
05:16
I was really making some great tries.
05:18
Son, do you want the Wolverines to win next week?
05:21
-I sure do. - Me too.
05:23
That's why I'm cutting you. - What?
05:25
Yeah, and your fat-ass friend. I'm keeping the girl.
05:28
I don't wanna hurt her feelings. She's a girl.
05:30
You're cutting me? - Here's the thing.
05:33
I've been scouting you your entire life.
05:35
And I mean this factually, not judgmentally. You're a loser.
05:38
You lose at things. But, hey...
05:40
here's a chance for you to help us win... by not playing.
05:44
High five!
05:47
Too slow. [ Laughs ] You gotta make yourself laugh, you know.
05:58
[ Sighs ]
06:00
[ Sobbing ]
06:06
[Roger ] What— What is it— - Roger?
06:09
[ Grunts ] Can't a guy sleep one off?
06:13
Late checkout. Late checkout.
06:15
R-R-Roger, D-D-Dad just cut me from th-th-the—
06:19
Oh, is that— Am I making that smell? I am. That smell is me.
06:24
I'm making it and I'm disgusting.
06:26
He-He cut me from the team! [ Sobbing ]
06:32
Wait. What is this? - He said I was a loser, and he cut me.
06:36
Oh, I'm leaking. Terrific. I'm leaking something.
06:39
This is gonna be a great sploogy month...
06:41
with me leaking and splooge coming out of me.
06:44
Fantastic. [ Gasps ]
06:46
Not this bit. I'm Jack Tripper over here.
06:49
Okay, all right. I'm up. Now, what is this? What is your thing with the crying?
06:53
Dad kicked me off the football team. All he cares about is winning.
06:57
I can't tell you how many times that man has made me cry.
07:02
[ Sniffles ]
07:05
[ Crying ]
07:09
[ Sobbing ]
07:11
He never supports me. He's a bastard is what he is.
07:15
You know what? Forget it. I'm over it.
07:18
If he needs to win so badly, let him. I don't care!
07:21
Steve, come here.
07:24
This— This is what he did to you.
07:27
And you're gonna let him get away with it? - What else is there to do?
07:30
I'll tell you. Your dad made you cry, Steve.
07:34
So we're gonna make him cry!
07:36
But, Roger, I've never seen my dad cry. I don't think he can.
07:39
Ho! When we get through with him, he'll be bawling like a baby...
07:42
sobbing like a poor African woman who just lost all of her kids to a scatter bomb.
07:47
[ Gasps ] - Powerful enough for you? It's from my play.
07:49
Haven't found the right producer. Doesn't matter.
07:51
Point is, we're gonna make your dad cry!
07:59
Here's a recipe for Black Muslim Bean Pie.
08:02
I could make it "Allah mode." That means, "God be with ice cream."
08:07
Mom, no self-respecting modern woman should care this much about pies.
08:11
Steve, here he comes! Take that, sir!
08:14
Behold, a grown man weeping like a—
08:17
[ Groans ]
08:20
That— That was your plan? Are you crying?
08:23
Yes, I'm crying. He hit me with a chair!
08:26
Okay, different plan. We need to hit your dad where it hurts.
08:29
And what does he love more than you? - Winning?
08:32
That's right! So what if we formed our own football team...
08:35
and won the championship ourselves?
08:37
I'm not a very good football player.
08:40
You know why? You never had a very good coach.
08:42
You're looking at the man who got robbed of a producer credit on the Longest Yard...
08:47
and was briefly married to Bill Belichick's niece.
08:50
Let's just say, not very open sexually.
08:52
You really think we can make Dad lose?
08:55
Oh, Steve, we're going to fill the bathtub in my dollhouse...
08:59
with your father's tears.
09:01
Whoa! Sorry, Malibu Melinda. Look at her pooping with the door open.
09:06
Disgusting. She has let herself go.
09:08
She hasn't washed her feet in months, wears nothing but sweat pants.
09:12
I can't take it anymore.
09:14
See that tiny suitcase by the bed? That's mine.
09:16
I packed it months ago, but I can't bring myself to walk out that door.
09:20
Because I haven't had a chance to go to the store yet, honey!
09:27
[ Objects Clanging ]
09:29
Stan, did you hear that? -[ Grunts ]
09:32
I'm gonna take your gun.
09:34
[ Grunts ]
09:38
[ Gasps ] My fairy pie mother! You got my letters!
09:42
Hayley? - Mom! It's not what you think.
09:45
I'm-- I'm cooking meth! - Oh, really?
09:48
Then where's your muriatic acid, hmm? You're making pies!
09:52
Allow me to introduce myself. Carlotta Monterey.
09:56
No! You? You're my pie rival?
10:00
Rival? You've given yourself a generous compliment, madam.
10:04
Listen up, Monterey. It's "pie" time you got beaten.
10:08
I've been saving that for the fair.
10:10
But I'll think of another one "crust" in time.
10:13
Oh, didn't see that coming, did ya?
10:22
[ Belches ]
10:37
[ Sniffing ]
10:40
Wonder whose car that was.
10:43
All right, who do we got? - You know Snot, Barry and Toshi.
10:46
And these are my equally important friends, Cheese, Hubert and Li-fung.
10:50
Plus the other kids who got cut. -I am the Amazing Rufus.
10:55
Collapsible flowers on wires. Slips right out of your sleeve. You want to be amazing?
10:59
Do that trick in a T-shirt. Okay, listen up, people.
11:01
I'm gonna turn you clowns into a football team.
11:04
[ Speaking Chinese ]
11:07
[ Japanese ]
11:12
Knock it off. I'm calling both of you Karate Chop and that's the end of it.
11:15
Now, in six weeks we're gonna play Coach Smith and his Wolverines.
11:19
Yeah. And we're gonna get killed. Great plan, Roger.
11:21
Fine. So we don't have brawn.
11:23
What really wins football games is brains.
11:26
I'm assuming you guys are the smart kind of geeks? - Mmm, 50-50.
11:30
Fifty plus 50 equals 100. And that's what we're gonna do.
11:33
A hundred shots of beer. I got 10 more to go.
11:36
Then we're gonna battle our way to the championship, boys...
11:38
and make the other team's coach cry.
12:05
[Crowd ] AW.
12:06
[ Cheering ]
12:12
All right, our last opponent. The Nexus Six-Series Replicants.
12:17
They picked that name. I was not involved. - Doesn't matter.
12:19
We're undefeated this year. Your team had one successful snap.
12:23
Those shorts make your package look small and your ass look big.
12:26
That makes two— two successful snaps.
12:29
All right, fellas, huddle up.
12:32
We're not gonna win the championship this year. - What?
12:35
Well, yeah. We haven't won a single game this season.
12:38
What'd you think was gonna happen? Look, we stink.
12:41
I would say it was my fault, but it was you and your terrible bodies.
12:43
I guess we're not gonna make my dad cry after all.
12:46
Wrong. We may not be winners...
12:49
but we can be spoilers.
12:52
History is filled with losers who've never won anything themselves...
12:56
but who ruined the success of others.
12:57
Ralph Nader, Judas...
12:59
that kid who pulled scissors on me at the rock-paper-scissors tournament last year...
13:03
Stabbed me bad in the parking lot, ruined my concentration for the whole tourney.
13:06
Anyway, if we beat Smith's team, it won't save our season.
13:09
But it will spoil theirs. Now, what do you say?
13:13
Let's go out there and spoil. - [All Cheering ]
13:22
Well, sorry, Steve. We're not spoiling anything today. And! I got nothing else.
13:25
No. That man cares more about winning than he does about me.
13:29
And I want him to taste defeat.
13:31
Roger, I've got an idea. Let's go under the bleachers.
13:35
I don't think a make-out session will help, Steve, but I guess that's what coaches do.
13:38
[ Whistle Blows ] - Roger, are you still leaking that splooge?
13:41
Oh, God. With all the fluid coming out of my armpits...
13:44
I feel like Bette Davis on her wedding night.
13:47
You don't know enough about Bette Davis.
13:49
Take some of that stuff and rub it on me.
13:51
What the— Steve, that's brilliant!
13:58
Four. Eight. Pi. Googolplex.
14:02
Repeating remainder three. Hike.
14:09
-[ Whistle Blows ] - Yea!
14:18
[ Whistle Blows ]
14:24
[ Whistle Blows ]
14:28
-[ Whistle Blows ] - Ow!
14:33
[ Whistle Blows ]
14:36
[ Grunts ]
14:39
Roger, I need one last round of slippery sauce.
14:43
I think I'm dried up. Speaking of my wife— [ Chuckles ]
14:46
Steve, finish that one for me. - There's no time!
14:49
Come on. One more play and my dad will know what it feels like to lose.
14:52
Enough of this! Take out that kid with glasses.
14:55
You mean your son? - Yeah.
14:56
Now, sweep the leg.
15:00
You got a problem with that? - No, sensei.
15:02
No mercy.
15:05
I have been working on this one thing.
15:08
But we need a magician. Is there a magician on this team?
15:17
[ Birds Twittering ] - [Wolverines Gasping ]
15:24
There he goes!
15:25
Get him! - Kill him!
15:31
This kid doesn't have the ball.
15:37
[ Whistle Blows ]
15:39
[Japanese ]
15:43
[ All Cheering ]
15:45
Steve, we did it! - What? What happened?
15:49
Look, there goes your dad.
15:55
Is he crying? Can you tell?
15:58
Hey, Steve, before the game, how many ears did you have?
16:04
This is gonna be great, Roger. I'm finally gonna see my dad cry.
16:08
Now make sure we get most of his tears in the tub.
16:12
[ Screams ] Oh, my God! Dad!
16:15
Now hang on, Steve. He's still breathing.
16:17
Stan, are you trying to kill yourself or thrill yourself?
16:24
Is he all right? Oh, Stan. - He's gonna be fine.
16:28
I can't help feeling this is all my fault. Can we see him?
16:34
Stan? - Frannie, let me.
16:36
Stan, I outcoached you.
16:39
Dad, why did you do this? - Because I lost.
16:43
Don't you think that's a bit of an overreaction?
16:45
So you lost. Nobody cares.
16:47
I care! I know I lost.
16:49
And I couldn't bear to carry that shame around for the rest of my life.
16:52
I don't want to pile on, but you probably could have done...
16:55
a little better job with this whole suicide thing.
16:58
I mean, you own guns.
17:03
See, Stan? I told you the fair would cheer you up.
17:06
You're right. I'm gonna enjoy myself.
17:08
I hear there's a tent with a bunch of frogs that croak "Hotel California."
17:12
Oh, my God. That's Judge Judy! Oh, no. No, it's not.
17:15
You think Judge Judy is coming to the Langley County Fair?
17:18
That's why I was surprised.
17:21
Well, I'm gonna go enter my pie.
17:23
Like I did last night, huh?
17:26
It's good to hear you making jokes about nailing Mom, Dad.
17:29
Oh, I'm just enjoying my last day on Earth. - What?
17:32
Oh, yeah. I'm still gonna kill myself. I'm a loser. There's no other answer.
17:35
What? No, Dad. You can't do that.
17:38
So you lost. Who cares? I lose all the time, and I'm not suicidal.
17:42
I just cry and get over it. That's what life is, Dad— losing and crying.
17:47
You lose one time and you go straight to hanging yourself.
17:50
Wait, that's it. Come with me.
17:55
Go ahead, Dad.
17:59
Well, good-bye, Son. One piece of advice before I go. Don't marry an actress.
18:04
Wait, Dad. What do you feel in this moment?
18:08
Shame, soul-shattering emptiness, embarrassment.
18:11
I'm gonna turn the whole thing off.
18:13
No! Instead, go with those feelings.
18:16
You know, let 'em out.
18:18
Out of my neck? - No, out of your eyes.
18:22
Look, all this time I wanted to make you cry to hurt you.
18:24
But it's actually going to help you.
18:27
It will? - Yes! Now, come on. You can do it.
18:30
Think about something that makes you really sad.
18:32
Think about... a bear cub...
18:34
abandoned because someone killed its mother.
18:37
You know what's sad about that? No one killed the cub.
18:39
Cubs make good eating. Sliced thin on a Ritz. Mmm.
18:45
Excellent choice, Francine.
18:48
Peach Bavarian Cream is Mayor Woodside's favorite pie.
18:51
Oh, is he judging this year? I had no idea, Councilwoman Santos.
18:56
[ Hayley] Well, I [ think he'll have a new favorite this year.
18:58
[ Gasps ] - Is that—
19:00
Carlotta Monterey. Nice to meet you.
19:02
I thought I'd pick up my prize personally this year.
19:05
[ Gasps ] Hayley, you're Carlotta--
19:08
Wait. I already knew that. - [ Man ] Ladies.
19:11
I'm pleased to announce the winner of this year's county-fair pie contest.
19:16
The blue ribbon goes to... - [ Drumroll ]
19:21
Emmylou Sugarbean!
19:24
Who? - Oh, my stars.
19:29
I've been secretly competing with both of you for years.
19:32
What put me over the top this time?
19:34
I put fruit and sugar in my pie instead of soggy napkins and gerbil meat.
19:38
I also made a sizable contribution to Mayor Woodside's mouth.
19:41
How about the end of terms of Endearment?
19:44
When Shirley MacLaine is standing over Debra Winger's hospital bed...
19:48
as she's dying from cancer.
19:50
And as her only child passes away before her very eyes...
19:54
she sits there dumbstruck.
19:56
She thought that death would somehow feel like a relief.
19:59
But instead, she just sobs...
20:01
overwhelmed by a pain that only a mother who outlives her child can feel.
20:05
[ Laughs ] That was a funny movie.
20:08
Okay, close your eyes. I want you to picture a boy.
20:12
Is he white? - Yes, he's white!
20:14
He's also not popular. And he gets shot down by every girl that he asks out.
20:18
But he keeps his chin up through all of it.
20:20
And then he takes a chance. He takes a chance by joining the football team...
20:25
'cause the only thing he really wants to win is his father's affection.
20:28
Uh-huh. - And then his father cuts him from the team.
20:32
Yeah, Steve, I really gotta— - Now picture that white boy is you.
20:37
What? Daddy cut me from the team?
20:40
But, Daddy, I-- I tried my hardest.
20:43
Why won't you love me?
20:46
Why, Daddy, why?
20:48
[ Sobbing ]
20:55
Oh, God. This feels so good. [ Sobbing Continues ]
20:59
That's right, Dad. Let it out.
21:03
What a wonderful alternative to suicide.
21:06
Told ya.
21:09
Thank you, Son. Thank you.
21:12
Look at this. We're having a father/son moment.
21:15
-[ Groans ] - Quit ruining it!
21:49
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
