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I go into the booth, pull the curtain, and count to 10.

S05E17 Every Which Way But Lose

04:37 – 04:40

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Previous lineI don't vote. It's just so confusing.Next lineThen I come out, yell "Democracy!" and run to my car.

Transcript

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00:05 Good morning, U.S.A.
00:07 I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11 The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14 And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20 Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24 Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:28 [Chorus ] ~ Good morning, USA.
00:32 [Man On TV] That's exactly the guy you want with the ball.
00:34 No. No. Come on! God, you wanna be a loser all your life?
00:38 Were you talking to me? - No, the Redskins.
00:40 You're performing at or near expectations.
00:42 Well, I'm back from the chemistry olympiad. I got a platinum medal.
00:46 That's terrific, honey. Oh, you're Mommy's little brain-haver.
00:50 So, what's that? You got first place?
00:52 No, platinum is 78th, the same as its place in the periodic table.
00:56 So, you lost. - Well, Dad...
00:58 you can't really expect a non-Korean to place higher than cobalt.
01:01 But check it out. - Fumble? Loser!
01:04 That guy just cost us the game. I assume he'll be killing himself tonight.
01:08 Dad, come on. - Oh, I Know what you're thinking, Steve.
01:10 You'd prefer he'd be dragged through the streets— mob justice.
01:13 That's a legitimate view. It's not my own, but I respect it.
01:15 Anyway, platinum is used as a catalyst—
01:17 I'm sorry, Steve. You lost me. I guess that's the second thing you lost today.
01:22 Oh, no, and my respect. That's three.
01:24 Wait, Steve. Your keys. You also lost your keys.
01:28 That's four. Four times a loser.
01:34 So I says, "Hell, half the petty officers in the 7th fleet could have fathered that kid.
01:38 Why am I the one that's gotta pay to fix his cleft palate?"
01:41 But the whole thing was messy, so I jumped ship in Okinawa...
01:44 caught a flight home, got back last night.
01:46 Anyhoo, what's got you so glum? - It's Dad.
01:48 He always ignores me 'cause I never win anything.
01:50 Hmm, how to get your dad's attention. That is a tough one.
01:54 A lot of kids are starting fires these days. Maybe that'd work.
01:57 No, that's not the kind of attention I mean.
02:00 Maybe you should just give up on your dad.
02:02 Face it, he's a douche. And I would know.
02:05 I used to run human resources for Summer's Eve.
02:08 Great company. They would throw a family day picnic at Six Flags every year.
02:11 Oh, were those good times. Boy, did we look forward to those.
02:15 [ Whistle Blows ]
02:17 Wait a second. That's it!
02:19 I can sign up for the "footballs" team.
02:22 Dad loves sports. I bet he'd love to watch me play.
02:25 Steve, look at those kids. They're athletes.
02:27 When was the last time you ran anywhere?
02:29 I mean with your actual legs, not by pressing "x."
02:32 That doesn't matter. Look, it says right here. See?
02:35 "All players on each team must play in every game." Everybody plays!
02:39 I'm gonna play football. Dad will have to pay attention to that.
02:46 Roger! - Okay, football's your plan. I get it. But this is here.
02:49 Low-hanging fruit if you need it.
02:55 Oh, Father, I was wondering if you might sign something for me.
02:59 -[ Grunts ] - It's a permission slip for junior football!
03:02 Junior football? Why, you've never done anything that required medical permission.
03:07 You're damn right I won't sue if you're paralyzed.
03:13 Steve, there's something I'd like to give you. It's my old protective cup.
03:17 I whittled it myself out of a solid bough of oak.
03:20 Now I want you to wear it. - [ Gasps ]
03:24 Dad, are we having a father/son moment?
03:27 We were. You ruined it by mentioning it.
03:29 [ Groans ] Splinter!
03:31 I like the way you're putting the kid through his groin drills.
03:33 A sturdy groin is the linchpin of victory.
03:37 Vince Lombardi said that. And he would have loved your mauve sweat suit.
03:40 You know, we need more coaches. Can I sign you up, mister—
03:43 Smith. Stan Smith. And you sure can!
03:45 I'll coach my boy's team. - You called me your boy!
03:48 -[ Groans ] - Quit ruining moments!
03:52 Mom, please, enough.
03:54 If I have one more piece of vomit pie, I'm going to pumpkin.
03:58 One more. Taste it, and be harsh.
04:01 Mom, your pies are fine.
04:03 "Fine" won't wow the judges at the county fair.
04:06 And "fine" certainly won't beat Miss Carlotta Monterey's pie.
04:11 Oh, is there a Carlotta Monterey pie here?
04:13 Nope. Still Mom's. - Oh.
04:15 You know Carlotta Monterey doesn't even show up to pick up her prizes?
04:20 She submits a self-addressed, blue-ribbon-sized envelope along with her pie.
04:24 That cocky pie skank!
04:26 This whole business of baking contests for women is so 1950s.
04:30 Why don't you give back your right to vote while you're at it, Mom?
04:34 I don't vote. It's just so confusing.
04:37 I go into the booth, pull the curtain, and count to 10.
04:40 Then I come out, yell "Democracy!" and run to my car.
04:46 Heslup! Dunnigan! Smith!
04:50 Nice work, Heslup. Good grab, Dunnigan.
04:52 [ Groans ] That's my dad.
04:54 Just getting the hang of it, Coach.
04:57 Be careful, Steve. There's a man throwing things.
04:59 Chubs! -[ Screams ]
05:02 All right, huddle up, Wolverines.
05:04 Boys and girl— You're a girl, right?
05:07 This country. All right, listen up.
05:09 We've got our first game next week. What are we gonna do?
05:11 [ All] Win! - That's right. Now take a lap.
05:14 Steve, hold up, Son. - Did you see me out there, Dad?
05:16 I was really making some great tries.
05:18 Son, do you want the Wolverines to win next week?
05:21 -I sure do. - Me too.
05:23 That's why I'm cutting you. - What?
05:25 Yeah, and your fat-ass friend. I'm keeping the girl.
05:28 I don't wanna hurt her feelings. She's a girl.
05:30 You're cutting me? - Here's the thing.
05:33 I've been scouting you your entire life.
05:35 And I mean this factually, not judgmentally. You're a loser.
05:38 You lose at things. But, hey...
05:40 here's a chance for you to help us win... by not playing.
05:44 High five!
05:47 Too slow. [ Laughs ] You gotta make yourself laugh, you know.
05:58 [ Sighs ]
06:00 [ Sobbing ]
06:06 [Roger ] What— What is it— - Roger?
06:09 [ Grunts ] Can't a guy sleep one off?
06:13 Late checkout. Late checkout.
06:15 R-R-Roger, D-D-Dad just cut me from th-th-the—
06:19 Oh, is that— Am I making that smell? I am. That smell is me.
06:24 I'm making it and I'm disgusting.
06:26 He-He cut me from the team! [ Sobbing ]
06:32 Wait. What is this? - He said I was a loser, and he cut me.
06:36 Oh, I'm leaking. Terrific. I'm leaking something.
06:39 This is gonna be a great sploogy month...
06:41 with me leaking and splooge coming out of me.
06:44 Fantastic. [ Gasps ]
06:46 Not this bit. I'm Jack Tripper over here.
06:49 Okay, all right. I'm up. Now, what is this? What is your thing with the crying?
06:53 Dad kicked me off the football team. All he cares about is winning.
06:57 I can't tell you how many times that man has made me cry.
07:02 [ Sniffles ]
07:05 [ Crying ]
07:09 [ Sobbing ]
07:11 He never supports me. He's a bastard is what he is.
07:15 You know what? Forget it. I'm over it.
07:18 If he needs to win so badly, let him. I don't care!
07:21 Steve, come here.
07:24 This— This is what he did to you.
07:27 And you're gonna let him get away with it? - What else is there to do?
07:30 I'll tell you. Your dad made you cry, Steve.
07:34 So we're gonna make him cry!
07:36 But, Roger, I've never seen my dad cry. I don't think he can.
07:39 Ho! When we get through with him, he'll be bawling like a baby...
07:42 sobbing like a poor African woman who just lost all of her kids to a scatter bomb.
07:47 [ Gasps ] - Powerful enough for you? It's from my play.
07:49 Haven't found the right producer. Doesn't matter.
07:51 Point is, we're gonna make your dad cry!
07:59 Here's a recipe for Black Muslim Bean Pie.
08:02 I could make it "Allah mode." That means, "God be with ice cream."
08:07 Mom, no self-respecting modern woman should care this much about pies.
08:11 Steve, here he comes! Take that, sir!
08:14 Behold, a grown man weeping like a—
08:17 [ Groans ]
08:20 That— That was your plan? Are you crying?
08:23 Yes, I'm crying. He hit me with a chair!
08:26 Okay, different plan. We need to hit your dad where it hurts.
08:29 And what does he love more than you? - Winning?
08:32 That's right! So what if we formed our own football team...
08:35 and won the championship ourselves?
08:37 I'm not a very good football player.
08:40 You know why? You never had a very good coach.
08:42 You're looking at the man who got robbed of a producer credit on the Longest Yard...
08:47 and was briefly married to Bill Belichick's niece.
08:50 Let's just say, not very open sexually.
08:52 You really think we can make Dad lose?
08:55 Oh, Steve, we're going to fill the bathtub in my dollhouse...
08:59 with your father's tears.
09:01 Whoa! Sorry, Malibu Melinda. Look at her pooping with the door open.
09:06 Disgusting. She has let herself go.
09:08 She hasn't washed her feet in months, wears nothing but sweat pants.
09:12 I can't take it anymore.
09:14 See that tiny suitcase by the bed? That's mine.
09:16 I packed it months ago, but I can't bring myself to walk out that door.
09:20 Because I haven't had a chance to go to the store yet, honey!
09:27 [ Objects Clanging ]
09:29 Stan, did you hear that? -[ Grunts ]
09:32 I'm gonna take your gun.
09:34 [ Grunts ]
09:38 [ Gasps ] My fairy pie mother! You got my letters!
09:42 Hayley? - Mom! It's not what you think.
09:45 I'm-- I'm cooking meth! - Oh, really?
09:48 Then where's your muriatic acid, hmm? You're making pies!
09:52 Allow me to introduce myself. Carlotta Monterey.
09:56 No! You? You're my pie rival?
10:00 Rival? You've given yourself a generous compliment, madam.
10:04 Listen up, Monterey. It's "pie" time you got beaten.
10:08 I've been saving that for the fair.
10:10 But I'll think of another one "crust" in time.
10:13 Oh, didn't see that coming, did ya?
10:22 [ Belches ]
10:37 [ Sniffing ]
10:40 Wonder whose car that was.
10:43 All right, who do we got? - You know Snot, Barry and Toshi.
10:46 And these are my equally important friends, Cheese, Hubert and Li-fung.
10:50 Plus the other kids who got cut. -I am the Amazing Rufus.
10:55 Collapsible flowers on wires. Slips right out of your sleeve. You want to be amazing?
10:59 Do that trick in a T-shirt. Okay, listen up, people.
11:01 I'm gonna turn you clowns into a football team.
11:04 [ Speaking Chinese ]
11:07 [ Japanese ]
11:12 Knock it off. I'm calling both of you Karate Chop and that's the end of it.
11:15 Now, in six weeks we're gonna play Coach Smith and his Wolverines.
11:19 Yeah. And we're gonna get killed. Great plan, Roger.
11:21 Fine. So we don't have brawn.
11:23 What really wins football games is brains.
11:26 I'm assuming you guys are the smart kind of geeks? - Mmm, 50-50.
11:30 Fifty plus 50 equals 100. And that's what we're gonna do.
11:33 A hundred shots of beer. I got 10 more to go.
11:36 Then we're gonna battle our way to the championship, boys...
11:38 and make the other team's coach cry.
12:05 [Crowd ] AW.
12:06 [ Cheering ]
12:12 All right, our last opponent. The Nexus Six-Series Replicants.
12:17 They picked that name. I was not involved. - Doesn't matter.
12:19 We're undefeated this year. Your team had one successful snap.
12:23 Those shorts make your package look small and your ass look big.
12:26 That makes two— two successful snaps.
12:29 All right, fellas, huddle up.
12:32 We're not gonna win the championship this year. - What?
12:35 Well, yeah. We haven't won a single game this season.
12:38 What'd you think was gonna happen? Look, we stink.
12:41 I would say it was my fault, but it was you and your terrible bodies.
12:43 I guess we're not gonna make my dad cry after all.
12:46 Wrong. We may not be winners...
12:49 but we can be spoilers.
12:52 History is filled with losers who've never won anything themselves...
12:56 but who ruined the success of others.
12:57 Ralph Nader, Judas...
12:59 that kid who pulled scissors on me at the rock-paper-scissors tournament last year...
13:03 Stabbed me bad in the parking lot, ruined my concentration for the whole tourney.
13:06 Anyway, if we beat Smith's team, it won't save our season.
13:09 But it will spoil theirs. Now, what do you say?
13:13 Let's go out there and spoil. - [All Cheering ]
13:22 Well, sorry, Steve. We're not spoiling anything today. And! I got nothing else.
13:25 No. That man cares more about winning than he does about me.
13:29 And I want him to taste defeat.
13:31 Roger, I've got an idea. Let's go under the bleachers.
13:35 I don't think a make-out session will help, Steve, but I guess that's what coaches do.
13:38 [ Whistle Blows ] - Roger, are you still leaking that splooge?
13:41 Oh, God. With all the fluid coming out of my armpits...
13:44 I feel like Bette Davis on her wedding night.
13:47 You don't know enough about Bette Davis.
13:49 Take some of that stuff and rub it on me.
13:51 What the— Steve, that's brilliant!
13:58 Four. Eight. Pi. Googolplex.
14:02 Repeating remainder three. Hike.
14:09 -[ Whistle Blows ] - Yea!
14:18 [ Whistle Blows ]
14:24 [ Whistle Blows ]
14:28 -[ Whistle Blows ] - Ow!
14:33 [ Whistle Blows ]
14:36 [ Grunts ]
14:39 Roger, I need one last round of slippery sauce.
14:43 I think I'm dried up. Speaking of my wife— [ Chuckles ]
14:46 Steve, finish that one for me. - There's no time!
14:49 Come on. One more play and my dad will know what it feels like to lose.
14:52 Enough of this! Take out that kid with glasses.
14:55 You mean your son? - Yeah.
14:56 Now, sweep the leg.
15:00 You got a problem with that? - No, sensei.
15:02 No mercy.
15:05 I have been working on this one thing.
15:08 But we need a magician. Is there a magician on this team?
15:17 [ Birds Twittering ] - [Wolverines Gasping ]
15:24 There he goes!
15:25 Get him! - Kill him!
15:31 This kid doesn't have the ball.
15:37 [ Whistle Blows ]
15:39 [Japanese ]
15:43 [ All Cheering ]
15:45 Steve, we did it! - What? What happened?
15:49 Look, there goes your dad.
15:55 Is he crying? Can you tell?
15:58 Hey, Steve, before the game, how many ears did you have?
16:04 This is gonna be great, Roger. I'm finally gonna see my dad cry.
16:08 Now make sure we get most of his tears in the tub.
16:12 [ Screams ] Oh, my God! Dad!
16:15 Now hang on, Steve. He's still breathing.
16:17 Stan, are you trying to kill yourself or thrill yourself?
16:24 Is he all right? Oh, Stan. - He's gonna be fine.
16:28 I can't help feeling this is all my fault. Can we see him?
16:34 Stan? - Frannie, let me.
16:36 Stan, I outcoached you.
16:39 Dad, why did you do this? - Because I lost.
16:43 Don't you think that's a bit of an overreaction?
16:45 So you lost. Nobody cares.
16:47 I care! I know I lost.
16:49 And I couldn't bear to carry that shame around for the rest of my life.
16:52 I don't want to pile on, but you probably could have done...
16:55 a little better job with this whole suicide thing.
16:58 I mean, you own guns.
17:03 See, Stan? I told you the fair would cheer you up.
17:06 You're right. I'm gonna enjoy myself.
17:08 I hear there's a tent with a bunch of frogs that croak "Hotel California."
17:12 Oh, my God. That's Judge Judy! Oh, no. No, it's not.
17:15 You think Judge Judy is coming to the Langley County Fair?
17:18 That's why I was surprised.
17:21 Well, I'm gonna go enter my pie.
17:23 Like I did last night, huh?
17:26 It's good to hear you making jokes about nailing Mom, Dad.
17:29 Oh, I'm just enjoying my last day on Earth. - What?
17:32 Oh, yeah. I'm still gonna kill myself. I'm a loser. There's no other answer.
17:35 What? No, Dad. You can't do that.
17:38 So you lost. Who cares? I lose all the time, and I'm not suicidal.
17:42 I just cry and get over it. That's what life is, Dad— losing and crying.
17:47 You lose one time and you go straight to hanging yourself.
17:50 Wait, that's it. Come with me.
17:55 Go ahead, Dad.
17:59 Well, good-bye, Son. One piece of advice before I go. Don't marry an actress.
18:04 Wait, Dad. What do you feel in this moment?
18:08 Shame, soul-shattering emptiness, embarrassment.
18:11 I'm gonna turn the whole thing off.
18:13 No! Instead, go with those feelings.
18:16 You know, let 'em out.
18:18 Out of my neck? - No, out of your eyes.
18:22 Look, all this time I wanted to make you cry to hurt you.
18:24 But it's actually going to help you.
18:27 It will? - Yes! Now, come on. You can do it.
18:30 Think about something that makes you really sad.
18:32 Think about... a bear cub...
18:34 abandoned because someone killed its mother.
18:37 You know what's sad about that? No one killed the cub.
18:39 Cubs make good eating. Sliced thin on a Ritz. Mmm.
18:45 Excellent choice, Francine.
18:48 Peach Bavarian Cream is Mayor Woodside's favorite pie.
18:51 Oh, is he judging this year? I had no idea, Councilwoman Santos.
18:56 [ Hayley] Well, I [ think he'll have a new favorite this year.
18:58 [ Gasps ] - Is that—
19:00 Carlotta Monterey. Nice to meet you.
19:02 I thought I'd pick up my prize personally this year.
19:05 [ Gasps ] Hayley, you're Carlotta--
19:08 Wait. I already knew that. - [ Man ] Ladies.
19:11 I'm pleased to announce the winner of this year's county-fair pie contest.
19:16 The blue ribbon goes to... - [ Drumroll ]
19:21 Emmylou Sugarbean!
19:24 Who? - Oh, my stars.
19:29 I've been secretly competing with both of you for years.
19:32 What put me over the top this time?
19:34 I put fruit and sugar in my pie instead of soggy napkins and gerbil meat.
19:38 I also made a sizable contribution to Mayor Woodside's mouth.
19:41 How about the end of terms of Endearment?
19:44 When Shirley MacLaine is standing over Debra Winger's hospital bed...
19:48 as she's dying from cancer.
19:50 And as her only child passes away before her very eyes...
19:54 she sits there dumbstruck.
19:56 She thought that death would somehow feel like a relief.
19:59 But instead, she just sobs...
20:01 overwhelmed by a pain that only a mother who outlives her child can feel.
20:05 [ Laughs ] That was a funny movie.
20:08 Okay, close your eyes. I want you to picture a boy.
20:12 Is he white? - Yes, he's white!
20:14 He's also not popular. And he gets shot down by every girl that he asks out.
20:18 But he keeps his chin up through all of it.
20:20 And then he takes a chance. He takes a chance by joining the football team...
20:25 'cause the only thing he really wants to win is his father's affection.
20:28 Uh-huh. - And then his father cuts him from the team.
20:32 Yeah, Steve, I really gotta— - Now picture that white boy is you.
20:37 What? Daddy cut me from the team?
20:40 But, Daddy, I-- I tried my hardest.
20:43 Why won't you love me?
20:46 Why, Daddy, why?
20:48 [ Sobbing ]
20:55 Oh, God. This feels so good. [ Sobbing Continues ]
20:59 That's right, Dad. Let it out.
21:03 What a wonderful alternative to suicide.
21:06 Told ya.
21:09 Thank you, Son. Thank you.
21:12 Look at this. We're having a father/son moment.
21:15 -[ Groans ] - Quit ruining it!
21:49 Bye! Have a beautiful time.