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You're not better than me.
S06E04 Brains, Brains and Automobiles
12:05 – 12:07
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You think you're better than me?
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:34
Nice. The mobile lab's back from the garage.
00:37
I see they didn't put on the semi-erotic mud flaps I suggested.
00:40
Can we get on with this? - Yes, of course.
00:43
Now, once you're in the brain of bin Laden's cat...
00:46
code name Buffy...
00:47
you're to find out if she's overheard any terrorist intel.
00:51
Then ask her why she tries to scratch me when I pet her.
00:55
Does she hate me? I do everything for her.
00:58
You know, Ray, this is highly experimental.
01:00
There's no guarantee you'll come out alive.
01:02
What do I care? My kids are out of the house. My wife left me.
01:07
Very good. Just sign right here.
01:09
Ray, you had a wife? I always thought—
01:12
I don't Know what I thought. I never think about you.
01:14
Anyway, Director Bullock, I have to take off early today.
01:16
My kids are leaving for the summer. - Uh-oh.
01:19
This is how it starts.
01:21
Ruth and I were happily married for 25 years.
01:24
But when the kids left for college, we sat down to dinner one night, and boom!
01:28
she realized how boring I was.
01:31
I'm not worried about that. Francine will never leave me.
01:34
Oh, yeah? Without your kids, you got no buffer.
01:38
And you're more boring than I am.
01:40
It's true. No one wants to eat lunch with you.
01:43
Well, even if I am boring, Francine will never find out. I've got an ace in the hole.
01:48
All right, Ray. You're going into the cat's mind in three, two—
01:52
[ Electricity Crackles ] - [ Groans ]
01:55
He's safely in. - Good.
01:57
[ Raspberries ]
02:00
Anybody else care for a go? It's super-fun.
02:05
Have fun at camp, honey.
02:07
If anyone needs me, I'll be living in a tree, protesting logging.
02:11
No one needs you.
02:13
[ Engine Starts ] - I can't believe my babies are leaving for the whole summer!
02:18
Hit it, hit it, hit it!
02:20
[ Tires Squeal ]
02:22
And don't write! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
02:25
For the first time in 18 years, we have the whole house to ourselves!
02:29
Just you and me getting to know each other all over again.
02:33
That sounds great, Francine, but I think you're forgetting about—
02:36
[ Explosion ]
02:39
the madman we hide in the attic.
02:41
He requires our constant attention.
02:43
sorry, honey. No alone time for us.
02:45
Phew. I had to get out of there. It really smelled.
02:48
I threw up in the shower, and it didn't go down the drain...
02:50
and now the tub's overflowing, and I want some iced tea, and I know you know I want it now!
02:57
Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.
02:59
[ Groans ] Damn it!
03:01
Hey, F-bombs. - Roger, I see you're busy...
03:04
but I was thinking it's time I teach you how to do some stuff on your own.
03:08
The laundry, cleaning, making your own iced tea.
03:11
[ Single Note ]
03:14
[ Same Note ] & No
03:16
We can make a game Of it.
03:18
I'm gonna be Colton Lancington...
03:20
a renegade space cop who struggles to keep his bipolar disorder in check.
03:25
Okay, Colton.
03:26
You just had a busy space day...
03:29
and now you'd like to cool down with some intergalactic iced tea.
03:33
Now, you take two scoops of powder—
03:35
Colton doesn't take orders from nobody!
03:37
I'm off my meds!
03:43
Well, lookee, lookee.
03:45
Seems we've got ourselves a cabin of bunk-boobs next door.
03:48
I'm gonna freshen up, then, uh, make with the "introducies."
03:52
You're just gonna walk right up to those girls?
03:54
Snotters, this is camp.
03:56
We left our reputations as nerds back home.
03:58
It's a chance to reinvent ourselves.
04:01
Hey there. Name's Joss.
04:03
I'm a tennis player from Vegas...
04:06
but most people know me for my Niçoise salad.
04:09
[ Deep Voice ] I'm Leo.
04:11
I like making love with the lights on.
04:13
[ Boy ] Geeks! - Get 'em!
04:16
[ All Shouting ]
04:18
[ Shouting ] - [ Muffled Shouting ]
04:20
[ Karate Yell ]
04:24
You know how you're always making a mess and I have to clean it up?
04:27
Well, this invention— Roger?
04:30
Checking out my pow-pow. Continue.
04:32
What up, dink?
04:34
Cleaning up after Roger again?
04:37
Did he have another ticker tape parade because the deli finally named a sandwich after him?
04:41
Actually, Stan, I'm teaching Roger to be self-sufficient...
04:44
so we can finally have our alone time.
04:50
Now, there are three settings. - [ Beeps ]
04:53
Roger on a hard roll!
04:55
I got problems, fish.
04:57
Francine wants to spend the summer alone, just the two of us.
05:02
You are going to be sexing!
05:04
No, you don't get it. Francine and I haven't been alone together in 18 years.
05:09
Wh-What if she thinks I'm boring and leaves me?
05:12
I knew the kids couldn't be my buffer forever, but Roger was my ace in the hole.
05:16
If he learns how to take care of himself, it'll just be me and Francine.
05:19
That's why you're stressed? [ Chuckles ]
05:22
Stan, it's Roger. He can't do anything on his own.
05:26
You'll never have to worry about being alone with Francine.
05:30
[ Laughing ]
05:32
[ Laughs ] You're right. What am I thinking?
05:34
Roger's an idiot. He can't take care of himself. He's like a baby.
05:38
Or Africa. [I Laughing ] - [ Laughing ]
05:40
[ Klaus ] That's good. That was good.
05:43
I don't believe it.
05:44
We're here two minutes, and already we're branded as nerds.
05:47
I can't even wear my new sandals now! No one's gonna buy it!
05:50
Oh, face it, Steve.
05:52
No matter where we go, we're just gonna be... losers.
05:56
But how'd they figure it out so fast?
05:58
What do these guys got that we don't?
06:02
Oh, my God. That's it.
06:04
Boxer shorts!
06:06
Fellas, if we want to be cool...
06:08
we gotta shed these whities of tight and get ourselves some of those.
06:17
Stan, I have a surprise for you.
06:19
You know how I've been training Roger to be more self-sufficient?
06:22
Well, guess what he did this afternoon.
06:24
He moved out! We're finally alone.
06:28
No kids, no alien.
06:30
Just you and me.
06:32
Oh, and more good news.
06:34
The cable's out, and I just got my period.
06:37
So there's nothing to do but talk and talk and talk.
06:46
[ Whistling ] Roger!
06:48
[ Whistling ] Come here, boy.
06:50
Stan, he's not here. He got his own place.
06:53
Now let's go inside and talk.
06:55
We can't! We have to go visit Roger.
06:57
I got him a housewarming gift.
06:59
[ Grunts ] This is not from the both of us.
07:07
Stan, Francine.
07:09
Buenas noches. Welcome to mi casa.
07:12
Oh! You're learning Spanish.
07:14
You got to in this neighborhood if you want to read the McDonald's billboards.
07:17
This is for you.
07:19
All right.
07:21
Well, why don't I give you the tour.
07:23
This room is the kitchen, slash, bedroom, slash, living room, slash, dance studio.
07:29
Ahhh. My hammies.
07:31
It's wonderful, Roger. - How are you paying for this?
07:35
I got a job at Colonial Pet Store.
07:37
You? Working? - Francine, pour yourself a drink.
07:39
Stan and I need to talk.
07:43
I heard what you said— that I couldn't do anything on my own.
07:46
Well, look around, jerk. It's all mine.
07:48
And I'll have you know that I've only called 911 once today, because some cholos broke in.
07:53
They stole my swimming jeans.
07:55
Roger, look. I'm sorry you heard what I said.
07:58
Please, just move back home.
08:00
You miss me, huh? Miss my Dana Carvey impersonations?
08:03
Well, it's too late, Stan. I'm self-sufficient now. Get used to it!
08:09
[ Strained ] I don't want my rug to smell like smoke.
08:12
I'm so proud of you, Roger.
08:14
Yeah. You know, they say if a domestic pig escapes into the wild...
08:17
it will instinctively grow tusks.
08:20
Who says that?
08:22
[ Strained ] Your mother.
08:24
Stan, let's go home. Roger has a lot of unpacking to do.
08:27
No! I mean, uh, I'm sure Roger wants us to stay for dinner.
08:31
That is, unless he's incapable of making a meal.
08:34
[ Chuckles ] Oh, Stan.
08:37
I've got a freezer full of shu mai from Trader Joe's.
08:40
And for dessert, a huge-ass box of Chocodiles.
08:43
I hid 'em in the fridge for when the cholos come back.
08:46
And they will be back.
08:47
[ Whispers ] I gave the biggest one a key.
08:50
Wow. We're finally alone together.
08:53
Tell me something fascinating about you.
08:58
My God, I never realized how boring you are.
09:02
I'm leaving you. You're gonna die alone.
09:04
[ Screams ]
09:06
[ Screams ]
09:08
What's happening?
09:09
You fell asleep at Roger's after you asked him to count to a million.
09:13
We couldn't wake you up, so I carried you to the car.
09:16
[ Groans ] I ate two boxes of shu mai.
09:19
I got the pork sweats.
09:21
All right. I'll be up in a minute. - [ Burps ]
09:24
[ Francine ] I'm gross.
09:25
We were wrong, fish. Roger's moved out, and he's completely independent.
09:30
What am I gonna do? - Ask him to come back.
09:32
Yeah. I'll force him back.
09:36
I'll poison Roger, and he'll be too sick to take care of himself.
09:39
Then he'll have to come crawling home. - What?
09:41
All I have to do is keep him weak and needy until the kids come back.
09:48
You monster. I'll tell on you!
09:50
[ Growls ]
09:52
[ Grunts ]
09:54
[ Grunts ]
09:55
[ Grunts ]
09:57
What am I doing? - No!
10:05
Roger, what are you doing here? - Stan invited me for dinner. He misses me.
10:09
Oh, I brought you this. Tag! You're it.
10:12
Stan, you miss Roger. That's so sweet.
10:15
You and I can have alone time tomorrow.
10:17
[ Laughing ] Yes.
10:23
To Roger's independence.
10:28
[ Groaning ] I feel awful.
10:30
Roger, you should sleep here tonight. You're too sick to go home.
10:34
But I have to study my adult dog food manual.
10:37
[ Groaning ]
10:43
Now, we just go in and tell them we want men's boxer shorts.
10:47
I see you gents are interested in buying some underwear.
10:50
We want to get some boxer shorts like the cool kids have.
10:54
You can be followers, try and play catch-up to the trends.
10:58
Or you could set them.
11:01
Name's Mr. Clyde Templeton.
11:03
Can I buy you boys some lunch?
11:05
I never turn down lunch.
11:08
[ Deep Voice ] Or a big-ass bitch.
11:10
You guys really want to spin heads at that camp of yours?
11:14
You wear these.
11:16
Culottes.
11:17
Culottes? I don't know.
11:20
These'll make you superstars.
11:22
The cool kids will carry you through the streets.
11:24
Women will go hysterical.
11:26
Ooh! The stitching is wonderful.
11:30
You, sir, have made a sale.
11:32
Good. Good.
11:34
Here. These are thank-you notes from your nads.
11:41
Ray, I read your report from your time spent inside Buffy's brain.
11:45
Very comprehensive. Well done.
11:47
Buffy, I understand you think I smell weird...
11:51
but I believe it was my body wash, which I've changed...
11:54
so now you should love me.
11:59
[ Grunts ] Now where will you sleep, you ice queen?
12:02
You think you're better than me?
12:05
You're not better than me.
12:07
You're going to learn a hard, hard lesson.
12:13
[ Rings ]
12:15
Hello? - How about we go out to fondue tonight?
12:18
You and me and a nice dinner rolling right into cramps and diarrhea?
12:22
What about Roger? - He's feeling better.
12:24
He's even working his afternoon shift So were free.
12:28
So, Ray, uh, how is it being single?
12:31
Ah, not so bad.
12:41
Is this food appropriate for a small dog?
12:43
Oh, ma'am, I'm not qualified to answer that.
12:46
see, I only have one mouse on my name tag...
12:48
which means I do stocking, lifting and the like.
12:51
You need to talk to someone with at least one dog.
12:53
See, it goes one mouse, two mouse, one bird, two bird, then one dog, then two dog.
12:57
I hear there's a guy up in Portland with three dogs...
13:00
but I think that's just an office rumor.
13:02
Wouldn't it be something if it was true though?
13:04
Hey, Roger. What's goin' on?
13:07
Not much. Just boring myself and this old broad.
13:09
What's up? - Francine told me you went to work...
13:11
so I thought I'd bring you a juice to Keep your immune system up.
13:14
Mmm. Isn't that nice of you?
13:16
[ Groaning ]
13:18
Who will feed the chinchillas?
13:21
[ Shudders ]
13:22
You're too sick. We're getting you out of that apartment and bringing you back home.
13:28
You're freezing.
13:29
I'll get you some blankets.
13:31
Looks like you're here to stay, Roger.
13:34
This calls for a celebration.
13:37
Frannie, will you make me some iced tea?
13:42
Anybody?
13:43
No. You know what? I can do it myself.
13:54
éé [ Vocalizing: Cancan ]
14:00
[ Francine Screams ] I]
14:01
[ Jabbering ]
14:04
Oh, my God! Stan!
14:06
Oh. He's doing his Heath Ledger impression.
14:08
Oh. Too soon, Roger. Too soon.
14:16
How's he doin'? - He seems to be stabilized...
14:18
but he's not coming out of the coma.
14:20
Well, I guess there's nothing we can do except wait.
14:23
Just the two of us.
14:25
Oh, F.Y.I., the cable repairman canceled on me...
14:29
and I'm having one of my famous 10-day periods. - I have an idea!
14:37
You're sure you know what you're doing?
14:40
Roger's in a coma.
14:41
All I have to do is use this device to go into his brain...
14:45
find him in his unconscious...
14:46
and bring him over to the conscious side.
14:49
Don't worry, Francine. We do it all the time with cats.
14:51
All right. Turn it on. - [ Electricity Crackles ]
14:56
[ Thunderclap ] - It worked. I'm in Roger's mind.
15:00
Now, to find him.
15:05
[ Thunderclaps ]
15:11
Hello, pretty bird.
15:15
[ Squealing ]
15:17
[ Screams ]
15:19
[ Squealing ]
15:22
Oh, Stan. I hope you don't get lost in there.
15:25
What if you die? [ Gasps ] I left my soda in the freezer!
15:30
Francine! Let's do some shots!
15:33
Klaus? What are you doing in here?
15:35
Stan put me in here two days ago.
15:37
The only reason I didn't freeze to death is I filled my bowl with that bottle of vodka.
15:42
Why'd he put you in the freezer? - Oh, I'll tell you why.
16:02
Hey, Chocodile. Watch where you're goin'.
16:05
Oh, hell no. [ Growls ]
16:25
Bye-bye.
16:26
[ Sighs ]
16:28
[ Francine ] You bastard!
16:31
[ Stan ] Francine?
16:35
Francine, what are you— - Klaus told me you've been poisoning Roger...
16:38
just because you don't want to spend time alone with me.
16:42
Forget it, Stan. I'm gonna get Roger out...
16:45
and then when we get home, you can have all the alone time you want...
16:49
because I'm not gonna be there.
16:51
Francine, wait! It's dangerous in here.
16:55
, [ Ballad ] -, As time goes on,'
16:58
Francine!
16:59
I realize
17:03
Francine! [ Echoes ]
17:04
just what you mean
17:09
e foment
17:13
[ High-pitched Groaning ]
17:17
Who are you? - Roger's conscience.
17:21
Oh, my God. You're dying of neglect.
17:23
Kill me.
17:26
[ Groaning ]
17:29
Tom Skerritt?
17:30
[ Weakly ] Get me work.
17:35
Oh, my. Is it time to change already?
17:39
Yep. Time to peel out of these old dungarees.
17:43
[ Steve ] You boys ready for that swim test today, or what?
17:51
[ Snaps ]
17:52
[ All Shouting ] - Look at us, fellas!
17:55
The underwear works! Just like Clyde said it would.
17:58
Put 'em in the girls' cabin!
18:00
They're so impressed, they're bringing us straight to their women.
18:03
[ Screaming ]
18:05
If only we could thank that magical mystery underwear salesman.
18:10
Oh, I don't think we've seen the last of him.
18:13
[ Train Whistle Blows ]
18:18
[ Train Whistle Blows ]
18:28
[ Gasps ] It's breathtaking.
18:33
The cherry blossoms, the rolling hills...
18:37
the three Urkels grazing in a meadow.
18:44
[ Electricity Crackling ]
18:46
Francine!
18:50
No, no. I'll never tell anyone.
18:52
Your reputation is safe with me.
18:56
Hey, fellas. I nailed her. It was so easy!
19:00
[ Whimpering, Sobbing ]
19:07
[ Robotic Voice ] "I am Vicki, voice input child identicant.
19:11
What are tears?" - Next.
19:17
[ Horn Honks ]
19:19
Learn how to drive, you bitch!
19:20
Relax, M.C. Raw G. Let it go.
19:23
Are you kiddin'? Nobody cuts off Biggie Smalls.
19:26
[ Tires Squeal, Screech ]
19:28
Hey, jackass! You want some of this?
19:30
[ Gunshots ]
19:33
[ Tires Squeal ]
19:35
[ Exhales ]
19:39
He said he made this for me.
19:41
Stan ] No, you dont get it Francine and I havent been alone together in 18 years.
19:46
What if she thinks I'm boring and leaves me?
19:50
Is that true? Is that why you were afraid to be alone with me?
19:54
Because you thought I'd be bored with you?
19:56
Well, yeah.
19:58
stan, you might not be interesting, but you're definitely not boring.
20:03
I mean, the kids have only been gone for two days, and look at us.
20:06
We're inside an alien's brain.
20:09
So you're not gonna sit down to dinner and realize you don't want to be with me anymore?
20:13
No, honey. I Know who you are, and I love you.
20:17
[ Both Sigh ]
20:18
Come on. Let's go get Roger.
20:29
No, Francine. He needs a prince.
20:37
[ Groans, Spits ]
20:39
What the hell are you doing? - Me? You're the one making a move.
20:42
I was just napping on this pedestal in the perfect light in my most prettiest dress.
20:46
Roger, you're in a coma.
20:48
We're in your brain to help you wake up and bring you home.
20:51
Home?
20:52
You mean your home?
20:54
That's right. - Oh, thank God. I hated my apartment.
20:57
I don't know if you noticed, but it didn't have a bathroom.
20:59
I won't be getting that security deposit back.
21:04
Hey. Guess who I had lunch with today.
21:06
Tom Skerritt. - Oh, that's interesting.
21:09
Oh, yeah. I guess it is.
21:12
Bye-bye!
21:49
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
