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I'm not just a horse. I'm a horse's ass.
S06E10 Don't Look a Smith Horse in the Mouth
18:57 – 19:00
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[ Gasps ] Stan? You're a horse.
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I put our family's security in jeopardy.
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:34
This morning's top story— the economy.
00:37
People are losing their jobs, their homes and their life Savings...
00:40
and everybody's cutting back. - Even us.
00:42
Last night. we only 68d
00:44
Really? That's terrible. - Oh, well
00:47
Well, I'm doing my part to save this family some money.
00:51
Look. I'm rolling my own tampons.
00:56
I just saved 21 cents.
00:58
That's my girl— soaking up the savings.
01:01
I'll just shove this in my box. [ Grunts ]
01:04
Mom, just put your box on the table. - While we're eating?
01:07
Oh. Okay. [ Grunts ]
01:12
A-good morning, everybody.
01:16
[ Grunting ]
01:22
Roger, only one scoop of chocolate mix. Everyone has to cut back.
01:26
Ah! Why should I have to?
01:29
Stan spends $400 a week in gas for his S.U.V.
01:33
Stan, I can't believe this.
01:35
I'm shoving recycled couch stuffing up my Jack Johnson...
01:39
while you're burning through cash.
01:41
You need to get rid of that S.U.V. and get a hybrid right away.
01:44
As if. I need my S.U.V.
01:47
You never even haul anything.
01:49
I like the option. You just don't understand.
01:51
I love that S.U_V. I'm a big man. I need a big car.
01:54
It's who I am.
01:56
[[ Man Rapping ] - Sip the juice I got enough to go around,
02:00
[ Woman Screams ] - ♪ And the thought takes place uptown
02:02
[ Man Whimpering ] -,* I grew up on the sidewalk
02:04
♪ Where I learned street talk and then taught to hawk New York
02:06
I go to Queens for queens to get the crew from Brooklyn
02:08
Make money in Manhattan and never been tooken
02:10
Go uptown to the Bronx to boogie down-,//
02:12
Stan, we lost all our savings in the market.
02:15
We're living paycheck to paycheck.
02:17
Look, I'll find a way to make some extra money.
02:20
Well, you better, because if you don't...
02:22
that S.U.V. is O-U-T.
02:25
G-O-T I-T?
02:27
H-U-H? H-U-H?
02:29
Yes! Just stop... spelling.
02:33
[ Slurps ] Whoo! Is that rich!
02:36
Can't have too much of that.
02:38
All right, just birth the ferret baby and put it in the bucket.
02:41
It's worth 50 points. - Oh, Steve!
02:43
We've been playing Animal Midwife for two years.
02:46
When are you gonna get some new games?
02:48
Maybe we should go to your place...
02:50
and play "let's watch your mom sober up before she has to get to her nursing job."
02:55
All I'm saying is it would be great...
02:57
if we had some money for some new games.
02:59
Hey, you know, I used to do odd jobs...
03:01
for my neighbor, Mr. Tuttle.
03:04
Haven't seen him in a while. Maybe he'd pay us to do something.
03:07
Like pouring ketchup on my head?
03:09
Why would he pay you to do that? - Do what you love and the money will come.
03:15
Gotta come up with enough money to save my S.U.V.
03:18
Think, Stan. Think. - Hey, I have an idea.
03:20
You could put my brain back into a human body...
03:22
and I could get a job and earn some money for the family.
03:25
That's a great idea, Klaus.
03:26
[ Whispering ] Stay out of this. Your father hates your opinions.
03:29
I'm just trying to help. - Then tell him you think it's a terrible idea.
03:32
Well, Klaus, we certainly still have the brain-switching technology down at the C.I.A.
03:37
You know what? No. No.
03:39
I think we'll leave you where you are. It's working well for everybody.
03:42
It's not working for me.
03:43
Dad— - Shut up, Hayley!
03:46
Dear Lord, I hope you're not still mad at us humans...
03:48
for casting Whoopi Goldberg to play you in that Muppet TV movie.
03:52
I was not part of that decision.
03:54
So, Lord, if you could, help me find a way to keep my S.U.V.
03:57
[ Wind Whistling ]
04:02
Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.
04:05
What is it, Dad? - It's a horse.
04:07
And it's racing today. It's a sign!
04:09
[ Klaus Yells ] - I gotta go bet on this horse.
04:12
I gotta save my S.U.V.
04:14
[ Door Opens, Closes ]
04:16
You know what? Don't. You've done enough.
04:20
Don't let her see that you're suffocating.
04:22
[ Gasping ] Don't give her the satisfaction.
04:25
[ Gasping Continues ]
04:38
[ Door Squeaking ] - Mr. Tuttle?
04:43
Man, this place is creepy.
04:45
I'm getting scaredy farts.
04:48
[ Passing Gas ] - Calm down, Barry.
04:52
Nice guy. Always smiling.
04:56
I've hardly seen him since his wife died.
04:58
Mr. Tuttle!
05:00
[ Metal Clanging ] - [ Passing Gas ]
05:07
[ Passing Gas ]
05:12
[ Door Squeaking ]
05:16
Mr. Tuttle! - [ Tuttle ] Company!
05:18
You've— You've put on a little weight.
05:21
It's mostly fat.
05:26
[I Trumpet: "Call to the Post" ]
05:30
[ Stan ] There he Is.
05:32
Man, Well I'll Be A Son Of A Bitch is a good-looking horse.
05:35
I've got a really good feeling about this.
05:37
[ Male Announcer ] And coming down the stretch...
05:39
It's Well I'll Be A Son of A Bitch... finishing dead last!
05:43
That was only misleading if youre just joining us now!
05:46
if you watched the race. it was perfectly clear!
05:48
Sorry. I only have one emotional level to my voice!
05:51
[ Grunts ] I am gonna go spit on the jockey.
05:54
Hey, little man. [ Hawking ]
05:58
Roger? You're a jockey?
06:00
Mm-hmm. Yes, I am a jockey.
06:02
Davy Jones from The Monkees started out as a jockey.
06:04
But I don't see how that's any of your business.
06:06
Hey, my racing form. - This is yours?
06:09
Why the hell did you circle your horse? It's a total loser.
06:12
Oh, I was doing dangerous drugs last night...
06:14
and I got worried I'd forget which horse I was racing.
06:16
I know. I have a problem. I worry too much.
06:19
Damn it, Roger! That horse was my last hope to save my S.U.V.
06:23
Another very bad race, Clancy. - I'm Clancy.
06:26
sorry, Mr. McCormick. We'll do better next week.
06:28
Unfortunately, there isn't going to be a next week.
06:32
Mr. McCormick, no! - Uh, sorry, Clancy.
06:35
The only way I can recoup my losses on this horse...
06:37
is to shoot it in the face and collect the life insurance I took out when I married it.
06:41
[ Hammer Cocks ] - I'll buy him.
06:42
You don't have $50,000.
06:45
And you don't have Beyoncé tickets.
06:47
Do you? - Of course not.
06:51
Stan, you have to buy this horse.
06:53
It's a guaranteed winner. - What? That horse is a joke.
06:56
Look, I've been holding it back with tranquilizers...
06:59
so it loses and the odds go way up.
07:01
Then at next week's Langley Derby...
07:03
I'll let it run to its full potential, and we'll make a fortune.
07:06
Wow. That's a really good idea, Roger.
07:09
So you'll buy the horse then? - I don't know.
07:11
I'd have to take out a second mortgage for the money.
07:14
And if he doesn't win, I'd lose everything. Are you sure about this?
07:16
I'm positive. This horse is the only thing...
07:19
that's gonna keep you from ending up in a car like that.
07:21
It's so efficient. - And the radio only gets N.P.R.
07:25
We're nerds! - Kill us!
07:27
[ Fists Smacking ] - [ Nerds Groaning ]
07:29
[ Shudders ] All right, I'm in.
07:32
But do not tell Francine. - It'll be our little secret.
07:35
Like when you passed out last Christmas Eve and I made out with you.
07:38
What? - Hmm?
07:44
Roger, I told you everyone has to cut back.
07:47
Only one thin layer of cream cheese.
07:49
Stan spent your life savings on a horse. - What?
07:52
I, uh—- - [ Roger ] What am I doing?
07:55
I can't eat a bagel right now. It's Passover.
08:00
[ Singing In Hebrew ]
08:11
[ Stopwatch Clicks ] - Ha! Record time.
08:14
We're gonna get through this, baby.
08:16
I'm gonna take you to Make-out Point and tongue your gas hole.
08:19
Stan! - Ooh!
08:20
Do you realize we could lose this house?
08:23
Do you realize how much danger you put this family in...
08:26
to save this stupid thing?
08:28
Look, this horse is gonna put us back on top.
08:31
I'll be able to afford my S.U.V....
08:33
and you'll be able to watch me drive around the block...
08:35
from your brand-new lawn chair!
08:38
Yay! I won!
08:41
Was that a horse?
08:43
You better be right about this horse, Stan...
08:45
or we're screwed. - [ Horse Galloping ]
08:51
See? I told you this thing was fast.
08:54
[ Grunts ] Hey! - I didn't get to do that earlier.
08:56
Stop telling Francine on me! - Ow! Geez, that really hurt.
09:00
You broke me. I'm broken.
09:02
You're gonna have to do the horse chores, 'cause I'm broken.
09:05
Fine. What do I have to do?
09:06
Well, you have to brush the horse's coat and mane...
09:08
water and feed it and then give it a full release.
09:11
A What? - You know. Give it a happy photo finish.
09:14
Huh? - Take the glue out of the factory.
09:16
Spank his front butt. Grant him a bone loan.
09:19
Oh! I— Oh, no. You're kidding.
09:22
No, sir, I am not. I am stabling a champion racehorse.
09:26
A full release ensures a rejuvenative rest and promotes a winning attitude.
09:30
stan, if you wanna keep your S.U.V., your house and your wife, you'll do it.
09:33
[ Sighs ] I don't know how I'm gonna get my nightgown on tonight.
09:40
So... hi.
09:43
How's it going?
09:47
[ Inhales ] Here we go.
09:50
Just, uh, do me a favor and let me know when you're about to—
09:54
You know.
09:57
[ Gurgling ]
10:01
Hey, Stan, can you tuck me in and—
10:04
Oh, my God, you didn't.
10:06
You did! - You told me to.
10:08
Well, I was just messing with you for punching me in the arm.
10:12
But I— I can't believe you did it.
10:14
Oh! Too good. Too good. Oh!
10:18
Well, good night.
10:23
Well, Mr. Tuttle, we're done.
10:25
You boys have done a fantastic job.
10:28
You've earned your hundred bucks.
10:30
Hooray! - All right!
10:31
I have cash in my wallet.
10:33
Great. Where is it? - It's in my back pocket. Grab it for me.
10:38
Not it. - [ Speaks Japanese ]
10:41
I want this.
10:44
[ Whinnying ]
10:46
What's going on? - He's been acting this way all morning. He's spooked.
10:51
Why is the animal...
10:52
that our future depends on doing that?
10:55
Oh, he's fine. He was expecting some sunglasses in the mail that didn't come.
10:59
[ Squishing ] - [ Grunts ]
11:00
You'd better know what you're doing...
11:02
you dumb Irish bastard.
11:05
[ Groans ] - [ Whinnying ]
11:07
We've gotta get this thing un-spooked.
11:09
Everything depends on this horse.
11:11
Luckily, I know a guy who might be able to help us.
11:13
Let's just pray that for once when we get there, he doesn't turn out to be me.
11:19
[ Scraping ] - Oh, crap.
11:21
Can I help you?
11:24
I had an appointment with the horse whisperer?
11:28
Oh, yes. He'll be right with you.
11:30
Thank God I'm just his secretary.
11:32
I'm an associate.
11:36
All right, Snot. We'll jimmy him up.
11:39
Then you go in for the wallet. - Got it.
11:41
[ All Grunting ]
11:45
I'll be like Indiana Jones.
11:47
You know, when the stone door was closing...
11:50
and then at the last second he grabs his whip and—
11:53
[ All Grunt ] - [ Muffled Yelling ]
11:54
[ Grunting ]
11:57
[ Speaking Japanese ]
11:58
Snot's gonna die! [ Passes Gas ]
12:01
Ah, scaredy farts, huh?
12:03
Don't you start, 'cause you're gonna get me going.
12:05
[ Muffled Yelling ]
12:10
[ Whispering ] What you wanna do you're gonna make sure— Imagine.
12:13
Visualize.
12:15
Horse whispering— does this stuff really work?
12:17
Stan, stop whispering. The horse won't know who to listen to.
12:20
[ Whispering Continues ]
12:22
[ Whispering ] - [ Gasps ]
12:24
What is it? - This horse says you molested him.
12:30
You sick fuck.
12:32
Although it's in peak physical shape, its mind is shot.
12:36
I'm afraid this horse will never race again.
12:38
That's it. We're ruined.
12:40
Do not say a word of this to Francine. Do you understand me?
12:43
Stan, this is my fault too.
12:45
We got into this together. We'll get out of it together.
12:49
[ Rattling ]
12:51
[ Squishing ]
12:53
The horse is ruined. Stan raped it. You're probably gonna lose the house.
12:56
[ Shatters ] - Damn it, Stan!
12:57
We're gonna lose everything because of you.
13:01
Francine, wait!
13:03
What have I done?
13:04
There's no way I'll come up with the money. - My offer still stands.
13:08
Put my brain back into a human body, and I'll get a job doing animal sounds.
13:12
Listen to this one.
13:13
Yup-yup! Yup-yup! I'm a rabbit.
13:16
That's it. Thank you, Klaus.
13:18
[ Kisses ] What a great idea.
13:21
Come on, Roger. We're going to the C.I.A.
13:25
[ Bowl Shatters ]
13:26
Wait. Wait. Where are you going? We had a deal!
13:33
I sure hope this works. - [I Stan ] You heard what the horse whisperer said.
13:36
His mind is shot, but its body is perfect.
13:40
But now with my mind in its body, I'm gonna win that race.
13:45
Wait. Aren't we forgetting something? - Oh, yeah.
13:48
[ Whistling ]
13:49
[ Whinnies, Blusters ]
13:58
Look at you. You're like Bambi. Frickin' adorable.
14:02
Careful. One hoof at a time. Good! You're doing it!
14:06
[ Laughs ] Look at me. I'm trotting.
14:08
Ooh, fancy.
14:10
Hey, check out what else I can do.
14:12
[ Groans ] - Stop telling Francine on me!
14:15
[ Sighs ] You get one of those.
14:18
You get one of those, Horse Stan.
14:20
Now we train.
14:23
[ Whinnies ]
14:52
[ Ripping ]
14:55
Oh, boy.
15:03
Man, I'm fast.
15:05
I think we can actually win this thing.
15:08
Can I pet your horse?
15:10
Oh, a little cowboy. Sure. Go ahead, buckaroo.
15:15
Honey, don't do that. Horses don't like to be poked in the eye.
15:19
Honey, he doesn't like that.
15:23
If you don't stop doing that, I'm gonna come to your house...
15:25
and kick your mom to death while you watch.
15:27
[ Gasps, Screaming ]
15:36
Stop that. Stop.
15:40
Hey, Frannie, you wanna come cheer me on at the track?
15:43
Gonna be exciting.
15:45
Fine. Might as well be there in person when I lose everything.
15:49
Oh, you're a lot of fun. Glad I invited you.
15:51
I gotta go poop and puke so I can fit in my jockey pants.
15:58
Stupid horse!
15:59
Oh, I'm sorry, fella.
16:01
It's not your fault. It's my husband.
16:04
What kind of man puts a car before his family?
16:08
Oh, I'll never be able to look at him the same way again.
16:17
[ Grunts ]
16:20
Boy, it's a good thing I don't have testes...
16:22
because there is zero room left in these pants.
16:26
Go ahead. Try and stick your pinkie in there. It can't be done.
16:29
No? Not interested?
16:31
You are in a rough mood.
16:33
[ Engine Starts ]
16:41
Hey, brother. Chewing on hay? Yeah, that's cool.
16:43
So just checking in, seeing when you're gonna put my brain back in a body.
16:47
[ Whinnies, Blusters ]
16:49
Oh, no.
16:51
Dad, I need your help.
16:52
Snot's trapped under Tuttle's fat ass. - That's not your father.
16:55
What are you talking about? - Instead of switching my brain with a human...
16:59
he switched his own brain with a horse. - That's perfect.
17:02
Come on, Dad Horse.
17:05
It's not perfect for me, Steve!
17:10
[ Muffled Yelling ] - Let's go, Dad Horse.
17:12
Pull! - [ Whinnies, Blusters ]
17:14
It's working!
17:16
[ Grunting ] - [ Gasps ]
17:21
There's no wallet. What's going on here?
17:24
Well, boys, the truth is, I don't have a wallet.
17:29
Two Christmases ago, I soaked it in teriyaki sauce and ate it.
17:33
Why, Mr. Tuttle? Why did you put us through this?
17:36
It was just nice having you boys around.
17:39
See, I don't socialize much since the missus died.
17:41
Here. Here's your money.
17:44
Let's get out of here. Fat people disgust me.
17:53
Hang on. I have an idea.
17:57
[ Gasping ]
17:59
Hey, this is great!
18:01
I'm part of the neighborhood again!
18:04
Hey, Greg, Terry, how you been?
18:07
It's me— Al Tuttle.
18:10
He looks terrible. - Why are we always holding hands?
18:13
How else will people know we're gay? - Oh, yeah. You're right.
18:16
[I Trumpet: "Call to the Post" ]
18:21
Okay, I bet all your money on you to win.
18:23
Come on. It's time. What the hell is wrong with you?
18:29
I can't concentrate. It's Francine.
18:32
What? So she's pissed. Everybody's pissed. It's weird times these days.
18:35
No, she's not just pissed. she's disappointed. And that's worse.
18:39
I can't believe I let her down. I gotta make this right.
18:43
Stan. Stan. Stan!
18:45
Stan! - [ Crowd Gasping ]
18:49
[ Gasps ] Make it quick! Just kill me!
18:52
No, no. Francine, it's me.
18:54
[ Gasps ] Stan? You're a horse.
18:57
I'm not just a horse. I'm a horse's ass.
19:00
I put our family's security in jeopardy.
19:03
I just wanted to keep my S.U.V. so I could roll right over anyone in my way.
19:07
But I rolled right over you.
19:09
I'm so sorry. How can I ever make it up to you?
19:14
Well, there is one thing you could do for me.
19:17
What? - Come here.
19:24
Well, what are we waitin' for?
19:26
[ Whinnies, Blusters ]
19:31
Ready, Roger? - [ Bored Voice ] Yeah.
19:32
What's wrong, bud? - I wish I had like a rival jockey or something...
19:35
to make things more exciting.
19:37
Hey, it's not too late.
19:39
Yeah, I guess you're right.
19:41
Hey, you, with the goatee. - Yeah?
19:43
I'm so tired. I was up all night.
19:45
Oh, yeah? What were you doing?
19:47
Pumping your wife. - Hey! No, you weren't.
19:50
Yes, I was. Pumping her good.
19:53
I'm gonna get you for that. - Bring it on!
19:55
It is on!
19:57
[I Bell Ringing ] - [ Male Announcer ] And they're off!
20:16
Come on, Stan. Come on - I'm giving her all I got.
20:19
Damn it. If only I was a little bit lighter.
20:25
[ Vomiting ]
20:28
[ Vomiting ]
20:31
[ Vomiting ]
20:34
Whoo-hoo! Son Of A Bitch!
20:41
Can't we just go back to the C.I.A.?
20:42
In a minute. There's something important I have to do first.
20:55
Mr. Spielberg, I have a talking horse...
20:58
and I think we both know what that means.
21:00
It's time to ride our talking horses together.
21:05
[ Man ] Steven.
21:08
He's right.
21:42
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
