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and kick your mom to death while you watch.

S06E10 Don't Look a Smith Horse in the Mouth

15:25 – 15:26

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Previous lineIf you don't stop doing that, I'm gonna come to your house...Next line[ Gasps, Screaming ]

Transcript

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00:05 Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08 I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11 The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14 And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20 Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24 Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29 [[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:34 This morning's top story— the economy.
00:37 People are losing their jobs, their homes and their life Savings...
00:40 and everybody's cutting back. - Even us.
00:42 Last night. we only 68d
00:44 Really? That's terrible. - Oh, well
00:47 Well, I'm doing my part to save this family some money.
00:51 Look. I'm rolling my own tampons.
00:56 I just saved 21 cents.
00:58 That's my girl— soaking up the savings.
01:01 I'll just shove this in my box. [ Grunts ]
01:04 Mom, just put your box on the table. - While we're eating?
01:07 Oh. Okay. [ Grunts ]
01:12 A-good morning, everybody.
01:16 [ Grunting ]
01:22 Roger, only one scoop of chocolate mix. Everyone has to cut back.
01:26 Ah! Why should I have to?
01:29 Stan spends $400 a week in gas for his S.U.V.
01:33 Stan, I can't believe this.
01:35 I'm shoving recycled couch stuffing up my Jack Johnson...
01:39 while you're burning through cash.
01:41 You need to get rid of that S.U.V. and get a hybrid right away.
01:44 As if. I need my S.U.V.
01:47 You never even haul anything.
01:49 I like the option. You just don't understand.
01:51 I love that S.U_V. I'm a big man. I need a big car.
01:54 It's who I am.
01:56 [[ Man Rapping ] - Sip the juice I got enough to go around,
02:00 [ Woman Screams ] - ♪ And the thought takes place uptown
02:02 [ Man Whimpering ] -,* I grew up on the sidewalk
02:04 ♪ Where I learned street talk and then taught to hawk New York
02:06 I go to Queens for queens to get the crew from Brooklyn
02:08 Make money in Manhattan and never been tooken
02:10 Go uptown to the Bronx to boogie down-,//
02:12 Stan, we lost all our savings in the market.
02:15 We're living paycheck to paycheck.
02:17 Look, I'll find a way to make some extra money.
02:20 Well, you better, because if you don't...
02:22 that S.U.V. is O-U-T.
02:25 G-O-T I-T?
02:27 H-U-H? H-U-H?
02:29 Yes! Just stop... spelling.
02:33 [ Slurps ] Whoo! Is that rich!
02:36 Can't have too much of that.
02:38 All right, just birth the ferret baby and put it in the bucket.
02:41 It's worth 50 points. - Oh, Steve!
02:43 We've been playing Animal Midwife for two years.
02:46 When are you gonna get some new games?
02:48 Maybe we should go to your place...
02:50 and play "let's watch your mom sober up before she has to get to her nursing job."
02:55 All I'm saying is it would be great...
02:57 if we had some money for some new games.
02:59 Hey, you know, I used to do odd jobs...
03:01 for my neighbor, Mr. Tuttle.
03:04 Haven't seen him in a while. Maybe he'd pay us to do something.
03:07 Like pouring ketchup on my head?
03:09 Why would he pay you to do that? - Do what you love and the money will come.
03:15 Gotta come up with enough money to save my S.U.V.
03:18 Think, Stan. Think. - Hey, I have an idea.
03:20 You could put my brain back into a human body...
03:22 and I could get a job and earn some money for the family.
03:25 That's a great idea, Klaus.
03:26 [ Whispering ] Stay out of this. Your father hates your opinions.
03:29 I'm just trying to help. - Then tell him you think it's a terrible idea.
03:32 Well, Klaus, we certainly still have the brain-switching technology down at the C.I.A.
03:37 You know what? No. No.
03:39 I think we'll leave you where you are. It's working well for everybody.
03:42 It's not working for me.
03:43 Dad— - Shut up, Hayley!
03:46 Dear Lord, I hope you're not still mad at us humans...
03:48 for casting Whoopi Goldberg to play you in that Muppet TV movie.
03:52 I was not part of that decision.
03:54 So, Lord, if you could, help me find a way to keep my S.U.V.
03:57 [ Wind Whistling ]
04:02 Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.
04:05 What is it, Dad? - It's a horse.
04:07 And it's racing today. It's a sign!
04:09 [ Klaus Yells ] - I gotta go bet on this horse.
04:12 I gotta save my S.U.V.
04:14 [ Door Opens, Closes ]
04:16 You know what? Don't. You've done enough.
04:20 Don't let her see that you're suffocating.
04:22 [ Gasping ] Don't give her the satisfaction.
04:25 [ Gasping Continues ]
04:38 [ Door Squeaking ] - Mr. Tuttle?
04:43 Man, this place is creepy.
04:45 I'm getting scaredy farts.
04:48 [ Passing Gas ] - Calm down, Barry.
04:52 Nice guy. Always smiling.
04:56 I've hardly seen him since his wife died.
04:58 Mr. Tuttle!
05:00 [ Metal Clanging ] - [ Passing Gas ]
05:07 [ Passing Gas ]
05:12 [ Door Squeaking ]
05:16 Mr. Tuttle! - [ Tuttle ] Company!
05:18 You've— You've put on a little weight.
05:21 It's mostly fat.
05:26 [I Trumpet: "Call to the Post" ]
05:30 [ Stan ] There he Is.
05:32 Man, Well I'll Be A Son Of A Bitch is a good-looking horse.
05:35 I've got a really good feeling about this.
05:37 [ Male Announcer ] And coming down the stretch...
05:39 It's Well I'll Be A Son of A Bitch... finishing dead last!
05:43 That was only misleading if youre just joining us now!
05:46 if you watched the race. it was perfectly clear!
05:48 Sorry. I only have one emotional level to my voice!
05:51 [ Grunts ] I am gonna go spit on the jockey.
05:54 Hey, little man. [ Hawking ]
05:58 Roger? You're a jockey?
06:00 Mm-hmm. Yes, I am a jockey.
06:02 Davy Jones from The Monkees started out as a jockey.
06:04 But I don't see how that's any of your business.
06:06 Hey, my racing form. - This is yours?
06:09 Why the hell did you circle your horse? It's a total loser.
06:12 Oh, I was doing dangerous drugs last night...
06:14 and I got worried I'd forget which horse I was racing.
06:16 I know. I have a problem. I worry too much.
06:19 Damn it, Roger! That horse was my last hope to save my S.U.V.
06:23 Another very bad race, Clancy. - I'm Clancy.
06:26 sorry, Mr. McCormick. We'll do better next week.
06:28 Unfortunately, there isn't going to be a next week.
06:32 Mr. McCormick, no! - Uh, sorry, Clancy.
06:35 The only way I can recoup my losses on this horse...
06:37 is to shoot it in the face and collect the life insurance I took out when I married it.
06:41 [ Hammer Cocks ] - I'll buy him.
06:42 You don't have $50,000.
06:45 And you don't have Beyoncé tickets.
06:47 Do you? - Of course not.
06:51 Stan, you have to buy this horse.
06:53 It's a guaranteed winner. - What? That horse is a joke.
06:56 Look, I've been holding it back with tranquilizers...
06:59 so it loses and the odds go way up.
07:01 Then at next week's Langley Derby...
07:03 I'll let it run to its full potential, and we'll make a fortune.
07:06 Wow. That's a really good idea, Roger.
07:09 So you'll buy the horse then? - I don't know.
07:11 I'd have to take out a second mortgage for the money.
07:14 And if he doesn't win, I'd lose everything. Are you sure about this?
07:16 I'm positive. This horse is the only thing...
07:19 that's gonna keep you from ending up in a car like that.
07:21 It's so efficient. - And the radio only gets N.P.R.
07:25 We're nerds! - Kill us!
07:27 [ Fists Smacking ] - [ Nerds Groaning ]
07:29 [ Shudders ] All right, I'm in.
07:32 But do not tell Francine. - It'll be our little secret.
07:35 Like when you passed out last Christmas Eve and I made out with you.
07:38 What? - Hmm?
07:44 Roger, I told you everyone has to cut back.
07:47 Only one thin layer of cream cheese.
07:49 Stan spent your life savings on a horse. - What?
07:52 I, uh—- - [ Roger ] What am I doing?
07:55 I can't eat a bagel right now. It's Passover.
08:00 [ Singing In Hebrew ]
08:11 [ Stopwatch Clicks ] - Ha! Record time.
08:14 We're gonna get through this, baby.
08:16 I'm gonna take you to Make-out Point and tongue your gas hole.
08:19 Stan! - Ooh!
08:20 Do you realize we could lose this house?
08:23 Do you realize how much danger you put this family in...
08:26 to save this stupid thing?
08:28 Look, this horse is gonna put us back on top.
08:31 I'll be able to afford my S.U.V....
08:33 and you'll be able to watch me drive around the block...
08:35 from your brand-new lawn chair!
08:38 Yay! I won!
08:41 Was that a horse?
08:43 You better be right about this horse, Stan...
08:45 or we're screwed. - [ Horse Galloping ]
08:51 See? I told you this thing was fast.
08:54 [ Grunts ] Hey! - I didn't get to do that earlier.
08:56 Stop telling Francine on me! - Ow! Geez, that really hurt.
09:00 You broke me. I'm broken.
09:02 You're gonna have to do the horse chores, 'cause I'm broken.
09:05 Fine. What do I have to do?
09:06 Well, you have to brush the horse's coat and mane...
09:08 water and feed it and then give it a full release.
09:11 A What? - You know. Give it a happy photo finish.
09:14 Huh? - Take the glue out of the factory.
09:16 Spank his front butt. Grant him a bone loan.
09:19 Oh! I— Oh, no. You're kidding.
09:22 No, sir, I am not. I am stabling a champion racehorse.
09:26 A full release ensures a rejuvenative rest and promotes a winning attitude.
09:30 stan, if you wanna keep your S.U.V., your house and your wife, you'll do it.
09:33 [ Sighs ] I don't know how I'm gonna get my nightgown on tonight.
09:40 So... hi.
09:43 How's it going?
09:47 [ Inhales ] Here we go.
09:50 Just, uh, do me a favor and let me know when you're about to—
09:54 You know.
09:57 [ Gurgling ]
10:01 Hey, Stan, can you tuck me in and—
10:04 Oh, my God, you didn't.
10:06 You did! - You told me to.
10:08 Well, I was just messing with you for punching me in the arm.
10:12 But I— I can't believe you did it.
10:14 Oh! Too good. Too good. Oh!
10:18 Well, good night.
10:23 Well, Mr. Tuttle, we're done.
10:25 You boys have done a fantastic job.
10:28 You've earned your hundred bucks.
10:30 Hooray! - All right!
10:31 I have cash in my wallet.
10:33 Great. Where is it? - It's in my back pocket. Grab it for me.
10:38 Not it. - [ Speaks Japanese ]
10:41 I want this.
10:44 [ Whinnying ]
10:46 What's going on? - He's been acting this way all morning. He's spooked.
10:51 Why is the animal...
10:52 that our future depends on doing that?
10:55 Oh, he's fine. He was expecting some sunglasses in the mail that didn't come.
10:59 [ Squishing ] - [ Grunts ]
11:00 You'd better know what you're doing...
11:02 you dumb Irish bastard.
11:05 [ Groans ] - [ Whinnying ]
11:07 We've gotta get this thing un-spooked.
11:09 Everything depends on this horse.
11:11 Luckily, I know a guy who might be able to help us.
11:13 Let's just pray that for once when we get there, he doesn't turn out to be me.
11:19 [ Scraping ] - Oh, crap.
11:21 Can I help you?
11:24 I had an appointment with the horse whisperer?
11:28 Oh, yes. He'll be right with you.
11:30 Thank God I'm just his secretary.
11:32 I'm an associate.
11:36 All right, Snot. We'll jimmy him up.
11:39 Then you go in for the wallet. - Got it.
11:41 [ All Grunting ]
11:45 I'll be like Indiana Jones.
11:47 You know, when the stone door was closing...
11:50 and then at the last second he grabs his whip and—
11:53 [ All Grunt ] - [ Muffled Yelling ]
11:54 [ Grunting ]
11:57 [ Speaking Japanese ]
11:58 Snot's gonna die! [ Passes Gas ]
12:01 Ah, scaredy farts, huh?
12:03 Don't you start, 'cause you're gonna get me going.
12:05 [ Muffled Yelling ]
12:10 [ Whispering ] What you wanna do you're gonna make sure— Imagine.
12:13 Visualize.
12:15 Horse whispering— does this stuff really work?
12:17 Stan, stop whispering. The horse won't know who to listen to.
12:20 [ Whispering Continues ]
12:22 [ Whispering ] - [ Gasps ]
12:24 What is it? - This horse says you molested him.
12:30 You sick fuck.
12:32 Although it's in peak physical shape, its mind is shot.
12:36 I'm afraid this horse will never race again.
12:38 That's it. We're ruined.
12:40 Do not say a word of this to Francine. Do you understand me?
12:43 Stan, this is my fault too.
12:45 We got into this together. We'll get out of it together.
12:49 [ Rattling ]
12:51 [ Squishing ]
12:53 The horse is ruined. Stan raped it. You're probably gonna lose the house.
12:56 [ Shatters ] - Damn it, Stan!
12:57 We're gonna lose everything because of you.
13:01 Francine, wait!
13:03 What have I done?
13:04 There's no way I'll come up with the money. - My offer still stands.
13:08 Put my brain back into a human body, and I'll get a job doing animal sounds.
13:12 Listen to this one.
13:13 Yup-yup! Yup-yup! I'm a rabbit.
13:16 That's it. Thank you, Klaus.
13:18 [ Kisses ] What a great idea.
13:21 Come on, Roger. We're going to the C.I.A.
13:25 [ Bowl Shatters ]
13:26 Wait. Wait. Where are you going? We had a deal!
13:33 I sure hope this works. - [I Stan ] You heard what the horse whisperer said.
13:36 His mind is shot, but its body is perfect.
13:40 But now with my mind in its body, I'm gonna win that race.
13:45 Wait. Aren't we forgetting something? - Oh, yeah.
13:48 [ Whistling ]
13:49 [ Whinnies, Blusters ]
13:58 Look at you. You're like Bambi. Frickin' adorable.
14:02 Careful. One hoof at a time. Good! You're doing it!
14:06 [ Laughs ] Look at me. I'm trotting.
14:08 Ooh, fancy.
14:10 Hey, check out what else I can do.
14:12 [ Groans ] - Stop telling Francine on me!
14:15 [ Sighs ] You get one of those.
14:18 You get one of those, Horse Stan.
14:20 Now we train.
14:23 [ Whinnies ]
14:52 [ Ripping ]
14:55 Oh, boy.
15:03 Man, I'm fast.
15:05 I think we can actually win this thing.
15:08 Can I pet your horse?
15:10 Oh, a little cowboy. Sure. Go ahead, buckaroo.
15:15 Honey, don't do that. Horses don't like to be poked in the eye.
15:19 Honey, he doesn't like that.
15:23 If you don't stop doing that, I'm gonna come to your house...
15:25 and kick your mom to death while you watch.
15:27 [ Gasps, Screaming ]
15:36 Stop that. Stop.
15:40 Hey, Frannie, you wanna come cheer me on at the track?
15:43 Gonna be exciting.
15:45 Fine. Might as well be there in person when I lose everything.
15:49 Oh, you're a lot of fun. Glad I invited you.
15:51 I gotta go poop and puke so I can fit in my jockey pants.
15:58 Stupid horse!
15:59 Oh, I'm sorry, fella.
16:01 It's not your fault. It's my husband.
16:04 What kind of man puts a car before his family?
16:08 Oh, I'll never be able to look at him the same way again.
16:17 [ Grunts ]
16:20 Boy, it's a good thing I don't have testes...
16:22 because there is zero room left in these pants.
16:26 Go ahead. Try and stick your pinkie in there. It can't be done.
16:29 No? Not interested?
16:31 You are in a rough mood.
16:33 [ Engine Starts ]
16:41 Hey, brother. Chewing on hay? Yeah, that's cool.
16:43 So just checking in, seeing when you're gonna put my brain back in a body.
16:47 [ Whinnies, Blusters ]
16:49 Oh, no.
16:51 Dad, I need your help.
16:52 Snot's trapped under Tuttle's fat ass. - That's not your father.
16:55 What are you talking about? - Instead of switching my brain with a human...
16:59 he switched his own brain with a horse. - That's perfect.
17:02 Come on, Dad Horse.
17:05 It's not perfect for me, Steve!
17:10 [ Muffled Yelling ] - Let's go, Dad Horse.
17:12 Pull! - [ Whinnies, Blusters ]
17:14 It's working!
17:16 [ Grunting ] - [ Gasps ]
17:21 There's no wallet. What's going on here?
17:24 Well, boys, the truth is, I don't have a wallet.
17:29 Two Christmases ago, I soaked it in teriyaki sauce and ate it.
17:33 Why, Mr. Tuttle? Why did you put us through this?
17:36 It was just nice having you boys around.
17:39 See, I don't socialize much since the missus died.
17:41 Here. Here's your money.
17:44 Let's get out of here. Fat people disgust me.
17:53 Hang on. I have an idea.
17:57 [ Gasping ]
17:59 Hey, this is great!
18:01 I'm part of the neighborhood again!
18:04 Hey, Greg, Terry, how you been?
18:07 It's me— Al Tuttle.
18:10 He looks terrible. - Why are we always holding hands?
18:13 How else will people know we're gay? - Oh, yeah. You're right.
18:16 [I Trumpet: "Call to the Post" ]
18:21 Okay, I bet all your money on you to win.
18:23 Come on. It's time. What the hell is wrong with you?
18:29 I can't concentrate. It's Francine.
18:32 What? So she's pissed. Everybody's pissed. It's weird times these days.
18:35 No, she's not just pissed. she's disappointed. And that's worse.
18:39 I can't believe I let her down. I gotta make this right.
18:43 Stan. Stan. Stan!
18:45 Stan! - [ Crowd Gasping ]
18:49 [ Gasps ] Make it quick! Just kill me!
18:52 No, no. Francine, it's me.
18:54 [ Gasps ] Stan? You're a horse.
18:57 I'm not just a horse. I'm a horse's ass.
19:00 I put our family's security in jeopardy.
19:03 I just wanted to keep my S.U.V. so I could roll right over anyone in my way.
19:07 But I rolled right over you.
19:09 I'm so sorry. How can I ever make it up to you?
19:14 Well, there is one thing you could do for me.
19:17 What? - Come here.
19:24 Well, what are we waitin' for?
19:26 [ Whinnies, Blusters ]
19:31 Ready, Roger? - [ Bored Voice ] Yeah.
19:32 What's wrong, bud? - I wish I had like a rival jockey or something...
19:35 to make things more exciting.
19:37 Hey, it's not too late.
19:39 Yeah, I guess you're right.
19:41 Hey, you, with the goatee. - Yeah?
19:43 I'm so tired. I was up all night.
19:45 Oh, yeah? What were you doing?
19:47 Pumping your wife. - Hey! No, you weren't.
19:50 Yes, I was. Pumping her good.
19:53 I'm gonna get you for that. - Bring it on!
19:55 It is on!
19:57 [I Bell Ringing ] - [ Male Announcer ] And they're off!
20:16 Come on, Stan. Come on - I'm giving her all I got.
20:19 Damn it. If only I was a little bit lighter.
20:25 [ Vomiting ]
20:28 [ Vomiting ]
20:31 [ Vomiting ]
20:34 Whoo-hoo! Son Of A Bitch!
20:41 Can't we just go back to the C.I.A.?
20:42 In a minute. There's something important I have to do first.
20:55 Mr. Spielberg, I have a talking horse...
20:58 and I think we both know what that means.
21:00 It's time to ride our talking horses together.
21:05 [ Man ] Steven.
21:08 He's right.
21:42 Bye! Have a beautiful time.