if the president would come and take the inaugural lap. — ClipClopulator

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if the president would come and take the inaugural lap.

S06E17 An Incident at Owl Creek

16:54 – 16:56

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Previous lineSo it would really mean a lot to the community...Next lineI will make sure he's there.

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00:05 Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08 I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11 The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14 And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20 Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24 Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29 [[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:34 Hey. Sharri and Buckle are moving into the neighborhood.
00:37 And they've invited us to a pool party.
00:39 [ Francine ] Hmm. - Hmm.
00:40 Wait. Next weekend? Does that give us enough time?
00:43 Oh, no, Stan. Does this mean we have to do another one of your—
00:46 "Are we good enough to be seen in public?" smith family fashion shows?
00:49 Yes, it does.
00:50 [ Electronic Dance ]
00:54 First up...
00:55 Hayley Smith in what appears to be...
00:58 the White Trash Going Crazy at Lake Havasu Collection.
01:01 [ Stan ] Stop! Stop!
01:03 You are not wearing that to Buckle and Sharri's pool party.
01:06 You look like you should be holding up round cards...
01:08 at a dogfight in Fresno.
01:12 Mmm. Mmm.
01:15 Steve, you've known about this party for a week and you haven't bulked up.
01:18 You didn't make a dent in that Russian protein powder I gave you.
01:21 Uh, I don't think it's for people, Dad.
01:25 Get out of my sight. You made me feel like a fool...
01:27 for building a professional-grade runway in my living room.
01:32 You, my darling, look perfect.
01:34 Thank you. - But you run your mouth at these things.
01:36 I'm giving you a hundred-word limit. Here. I got you this counter.
01:39 Are you serious? - [ Clicking ]
01:41 You've got 97 left. - Stan, why is it every time we go out in public together...
01:45 you make us pass your silly inspection?
01:48 Yeah, Dad. Why do you care so much what other people think?
01:51 Because that's all that matters!
01:52 One's true value is determined solely through the eyes of others.
01:57 That's from Genesis.
01:58 Their first album, I think.
02:05 Welcome neighborhood, Sharri. - [ Clicking ]
02:07 Glad not in woods anymore?
02:09 One year in that "Farshtunkeneh" cabin was enough.
02:12 I was going "meshuggee."
02:14 [ Hooting ] - Buckle! Get rid of that owl! My migraines!
02:18 But that owl was my best friend for 15 years in the wilderness.
02:22 It's him or me. Who you gonna pick? Who? Who?
02:25 [ Hooting ] Hoo? Hoo? - Stay out of it!
02:28 [ Whimpering Hoot ]
02:30 [[ Thinking ] Party's going well
02:32 No Smith family blunders. That's good
02:35 Mmm. Great brisket
02:37 Careful now. Ninety-six percent Of all party fouls involve food or drink.
02:41 Dont spill it. Dont choke on it
02:43 How are you?
02:44 Youre doing great kiddo. I love you so much.
02:47 Dad, I'm sweating like a pig in this thing.
02:49 It's humiliating. - Not to me.
02:52 And show some respect. Your grandmother drowned in that bathing suit.
02:56 How family? No embarrass? - [ Clicking ]
02:59 So far so good. - [I Roger ] Hello, y'all.
03:01 I'm Stan Smith's brother, Applebee McFridays.
03:04 Do I smell kreplach?
03:06 Oh, no. Roger.
03:08 I helped Buckle with his conversion to Judaism.
03:11 That was one stubborn foreskin.
03:13 Hey, Rabbi. I got a joke for ya.
03:15 Two priests are hitting on an altar boy—
03:17 Hello, guy who mistakenly believes he's my brother.
03:19 If you want to hear a joke, Rabbi, I got a nice clean one.
03:22 Um, uh, okay. What are the three rings of marriage?
03:26 The first one's the engagement ring. The second one's the wedding ring.
03:29 And the third one? The "suffer-ring."
03:31 [ All Laughing ]
03:34 stan, that's not a good joke 'cause it's not racist. Okay, here's one.
03:37 So this lazy Mexican walks into an even lazier black guy's bar—
03:41 Hey, everyone. Who wants to see me cannonball into the pool?
03:44 [ All Cheering ] Yeah!
03:46 A man turning his body into an old instrument of war? I'm in!
03:49 [ Cheering ]
03:51 I am constantly doing damage control for this family.
03:55 Cannonball! Cannonball! Cannonball!
04:00 Cannonball! - [ Stomach Gurgles ]
04:02 Oh, dear. That brisket was too greasy.
04:04 Now I gotta poop.
04:06 Cannonball! Cannonball! Cannonball!
04:11 Cannonball! Cannonball!
04:14 Cannonball! Cannonball!
04:18 [ Slow-motion Distorted Shouting ]
04:30 [ Water Burbles ]
04:37 [ Slow-motion, Distorted ] No!
04:42 [ All Groaning ]
04:43 No way.
04:44 Oh, my God!
04:52 [ Gasps ]
04:54 [ Panting ]
04:55 [ Laughing ] - [ All Laughing ]
05:06 Great cannonball though.
05:10 He did that in the neighbor's pool?
05:13 That's disgusting. People have to swim in that water.
05:17 I'm probably gonna get some kind of gross rash.
05:19 I was in the pool when he did it. I was at ground Zero.
05:22 Hayley, it's not okay to use that term.
05:24 I was actually at ground zero.
05:26 I was the first one on the scene selling erotic T-shirts.
05:29 "Osama Bin Sexy," "Sexy Bin Laden'...
05:32 and "Yo Mama Bin Fartin'."
05:34 That last one was not erotic to everybody.
05:37 Your poor father. He didn't even come home last night.
05:40 [ Gasps ] Stan!
05:42 Have you been in there all night? - Yes. And I'm never coming out.
05:45 And you were worried about me embarrassing you?
05:48 Stop it, Steve. Stan, none of us think any less of you for what you did.
05:53 I don't care what any of you guys think. What does that matter?
05:55 My reputation's ruined.
05:57 soiled, like these cheap swim trunks...
05:59 and the several places I sat down when I first came home.
06:02 sweetheart, nobody knows.
06:04 Just a few neighbors at the party.
06:07 You're blowing this whole thing out of proportion.
06:09 [ Sighs ] Okay, okay.
06:11 M-Maybe you're right.
06:14 Oh, no. Oh, no. No, Frank. No, you can stay in there. - Hi, Frank.
06:24 [ No Audible Dialogue ]
06:29 [ Chuckling ]
06:31 [ All Laughing ]
06:39 [ Chuckling ]
06:43 [ All Laughing ]
06:53 [ Laughing ]
07:09 [ Laughing ]
07:11 [ Screams ]
07:14 [ Whimpers ]
07:15 [ Sobbing ]
07:18 [ Crying ]
07:25 stan, what happened?
07:27 It was so embarrassing. The whole town's laughing at me. And of all days...
07:32 Bullock just appointed me the head of the new Tactical Urban Response Division.
07:36 [ Gasps ]
07:37 [ Crying ]
07:44 Francine. Francine, wake up.
07:46 I'm too tired. Do whatever you want.
07:49 Just don't get it in my hair.
07:52 Wake the kids and get them in the car. You have 90 seconds.
07:58 Stan, it's 3:00 in the morning.
08:01 Where are we going? - I can no longer live in this town.
08:05 [ All Scream ]
08:06 The Smiths are dead. There's no turning back.
08:09 Oh, my God! It's Frank! - [ Screaming ]
08:12 I see him. I see him.
08:23 [ Bell Dings ]
08:26 Stan, we've been driving all night.
08:28 Do you even have a plan? - Yes.
08:31 To get as far away from my shame as possible.
08:33 Can't we just go home? - Yeah, if we can go back in time.
08:37 Can you do that, Hayley? Have you smoked that much weed?
08:40 Well, if you see me back there, tell me "Don't jump in the pool. Don't jump in the pool!"
08:44 Roger, what happened?
08:46 Well, I guess sometimes a hole in a men's room stall...
08:49 is just a hole in a men's room stall.
08:51 The world needs to know. America is ready to step up and lead again.
08:56 So inspiring.
08:58 Hey, you guys are truckers. Want to hear a horribly racist joke?
09:01 Hey! Where I come from, we don't judge a man by the color of his skin.
09:05 Or his religion. Or even the mistakes of his past.
09:09 Excuse me, friend. Where are you from exactly?
09:12 Small town in Indiana called Mercyville.
09:14 It's not fancy, mind you. You know, we don't have any swimming pools...
09:18 and thus, no one ever recounts any swimming pool-related stories.
09:22 But what we lack in places to swim...
09:24 we make up for in understandin'.
09:26 That sounds like the perfect place for us to live.
09:29 Well, not much of a gay scene out back either.
09:35 What a quaint town.
09:37 A malt shop, an old-fashioned barber, a bakery.
09:40 Yeah, yeah. We get it. Little slice of heaven.
09:42 Let's just hope it has what every other small town in America has:
09:44 cheap and plentiful methamphetamines.
09:47 Hardware store has a Help Wanted sign.
09:49 I think I will inquire within.
09:51 You know, gang, this could really be a chance for us to reinvent ourselves.
09:54 Oh, yes. I'm sure life will be very different for me here.
10:01 Close enough shave for you so far?
10:03 So far. And thanks for talking me out of that neck beard.
10:06 I gotta say, I love your little town.
10:08 I think my family's gonna be happy here for generations.
10:11 Do I know you? - No. I don't think so.
10:13 Wait. Are you from Langley Falls?
10:16 Never heard of the place. - Are you sure?
10:19 Because my brother lives in Langley Falls.
10:21 He sent me a newspaper clipping...
10:23 and I swear it had a photo of you.
10:26 You did something.
10:28 Hey. You guys want to hear a good racist joke?
10:30 [ Groans ] I can't remember what it was.
10:34 Ah. I threw away the clipping.
10:36 But it'll come to me. It always does.
10:44 For the life of me, Chairman Meow...
10:46 I can't remember what it was that guy did.
10:53 [ Groans ] What was it?
10:56 It was something embarrassing.
11:06 That's it! He did a cannonball into the pool...
11:09 and then he took a giant— [ Gasps ]
11:12 You had to remember.
11:14 Come on. You're really gonna kill me just 'cause I know your secret?
11:20 So this place isn't gonna work out.
11:25 [ Ship Horn Blows ]
11:28 [ Crowd Chattering ]
11:31 This is perfect. We're living above a fish market in Little Romania.
11:35 Nobody here has any connection to Langley Falls.
11:37 I wish we weren't sharing the apartment with 14 members of the Bombescu family.
11:42 [ Groans ] - Thirteen.
11:44 [ Gasps ] - Back to 14.
11:46 Circle of life. Beautiful thing.
11:48 See? We're safe here. We've outrun my shame for good.
11:53 He wants me to play with him.
11:55 [ All Laughing ]
11:57 Cannonball! Cannonball!
12:00 Somebody was videotaping?
12:03 [ All Laughing ]
12:04 Oh, my God! Stan Smith just made a BM!
12:10 You can't hit me. I'm a new mother.
12:13 [ Tires Squeal ] - [ All Shouting ]
12:15 We have to move somewhere they don't have the Internet.
12:19 [ Chanting In Native Language ]
12:24 [ Laughing ]
12:26 [ Crowd Laughing ] - [ Owl Hooting ]
12:31 [ Synthesized Pop ]
12:36 [ Men Laughing ]
12:42 [ Woman On PA. Speaking Spanish ]
12:46 Wait. Where's your ticket? - I've realized I can't outrun this thing.
12:50 I'm sending you back without me so you can lead normal lives.
12:53 What? We don't want to go back without you.
12:56 Trust me. This'll be better for all of us.
12:58 Guess that makes me the man of the house.
13:00 There's gonna be some changes. Steve, kiss me on the mouth.
13:03 But... what will you do?
13:05 Oh, don't worry. I'll be fine.
13:07 I'm gonna have a drink at the airport bar, then I'm gonna blow my brains out.
13:10 Don't tell the kids. - Stan, the kids know you drink.
13:13 [ Sighs ] Yeah. I'm, uh—
13:16 I'm not gonna miss that.
13:18 President Obama visited the UN. today...
13:20 where he received a five-hour standing ovation.
13:23 That Obama sure has changed things. - What do you mean?
13:26 Well, the United States was the laughingstock of the world until Obama came along.
13:31 Yeah. Sure. Whatever.
13:36 I mean, the United States has done some pretty shameful things.
13:41 Just this 20-gauge and, uh, one of these Toblerones.
13:46 But then Obama comes along, and he makes it all better.
13:50 Uh, you may want to stand back. Brain matter.
13:53 I mean, if Obama can make America look good...
13:56 after all the embarrassing crap it's pulled...
13:58 then he can make anything look good.
14:01 My God.
14:03 That's it!
14:05 Anyway, as you know...
14:07 Lima has a booming industry of blind male prostitutes...
14:11 of which I am widely known as the second-most disease-free.
14:16 Setier?
14:18 [ Sighs ]
14:22 [ Groans ]
14:27 [ Both Gasp ]
14:28 We can be together again! I've got a plan.
14:30 Does that plan include explaining why a footless blind man...
14:34 is giving an expert Bajowski to our baggage handler?
14:37 Admire the skills!
14:39 No, listen. I'm a laughingstock, right?
14:41 Well, there's one man who's so beloved...
14:43 that if he did what I did, he'd actually make it cool. - What are you talking about?
14:48 It's simple. We've just gotta get President Obama to make a boom-boom in a pool.
14:53 I don't know. Obama may be black...
14:55 but I bet he keeps his butt clenched like he's white.
14:57 [ Chuckles ] That's from my stand-up routine. Check it out.
15:00 You ever notice when a black man poops in the pool, he's like, "Yo, check it."
15:04 But then when a white guy poops in a pool, he's all...
15:06 "Oh, my. I'm defecating in the swimming receptacle."
15:12 [ Airplane Passes Overhead ]
15:14 Stan, we'll never even get close to Obama. This plan is crazy.
15:19 Look. If we can just get Obama to do what I did, then no one can tease me anymore.
15:22 Then we can move back home together.
15:24 White mission control be all...
15:27 "Uh, we are clear to initiate landing sequence for space shuttle Atlantis." "
15:31 But black mission control be all, "Get out of the way. Here comes the shuttle!"
15:35 [ Beeping ]
15:37 [ Chattering ]
15:39 This roach coach will serve as our base of operations...
15:41 as we carry out Operation Pinch A Loaf.
15:44 I need two breakfast burritos and a side of refried beans.
15:47 Two B.B.'s and a side of fart paste comin' up.
15:49 The plan is simple. We'll renovate a run-down community pool.
15:53 Then we'll have a grand opening ceremony...
15:55 convince Obama to swim the inaugural lap...
15:57 and then get him to drop a presidential deuce.
16:00 How are we gonna get to Obama?
16:02 First step, one of us is going to make friends with his two adorable daughters.
16:06 But they go to one of the most exclusive private schools in D.C.
16:09 How are we even gonna get close?
16:12 We're a lesbian couple.
16:14 We adopted our daughter from an orphanage in Somalia.
16:16 My name is Winfrey.
16:17 Full scholarship.
16:20 [ Chattering ]
16:22 Hi. The name's Winfrey.
16:24 I like Jo Bros, Mi Cy, Gaga,
16:26 Kay Pay, Fifi, Shwee Shwee and the Flack Eye Fleas.
16:29 Yeah, we fray-frays now. We best fray-frays!
16:31 Let's have a playdate— your house.
16:35 Madam First Lady...
16:37 we are so honored to be here as lesbians of no color.
16:41 Well, your daughter is just darling.
16:43 Barack and I are so pleased the girls and Winfrey have hit it off.
16:47 Okay, according to the map, this is where Amy Carter buried all of her dildos.
16:51 So it would really mean a lot to the community...
16:54 if the president would come and take the inaugural lap.
16:56 I will make sure he's there.
17:02 No fair. Everybody has a role in this plan except for me.
17:06 I could live to be a hundred...
17:08 and never figure out how to fold a burrito.
17:10 Okay, let me ask you this.
17:12 You can lead a president to water, but how will you make him Smith in it?
17:16 [ Toilet Flushes ] - Klaus, I'd like you to meet Dr. Olestra Montezuma...
17:20 Mexico's leading authority on quantum-fecal theory.
17:23 Dr. Montezuma is developing a fast-acting laxative for our operation.
17:28 He was the mastermind behind Tijuana.
17:30 I've never been, but I've heard terrible things.
17:33 Congratulations, Doctor.
17:34 Let's get started.
17:36 First I will show you some samples.
17:38 Manuel, bring in the jars.
17:40 I need more time, jefe.
17:42 Well, bring whatever you have.
17:45 It will just be a minute.
17:50 Is everybody in position?
17:51 Check - Yeah.
17:52 Ready, Dad
17:53 Inserting laxative into hot dog "A."
17:57 Inserting hot dog "B" into my "A."
18:02 Here comes the limo. - [ Cheering ]
18:04 [ Woman ] Mr. President!
18:06 [ Stan ] /] Roger, go, go!
18:08 [ Chattering ] - Hello, Mr. President.
18:10 I made a hot dog just for you.
18:13 Oh. Aren't you cute? Uh, but I don't eat before I swim.
18:16 Francine, initiate backup plan.
18:18 Repeat. Put on the laxative glove and shake Obama's hand.
18:21 He'll absorb it through his skin.
18:24 Mr. President, we are so thrilled that you're here.
18:39 All right. Let's swim. - [ Woman ] I Whoo!
18:41 Oh, my God! - [ Woman #2 ] I Whoo!
18:43 [ Man ] Yeah! - [ Woman #1 ] I had no idea.
18:46 That's it. The operation's a failure.
18:48 Good-bye, family. You will never see or hear from me again.
18:52 [ Woman ] I Whoo! - [ Applause ]
18:54 [ Woman ] Oh, my gosh.
18:56 [ Cheering ]
18:58 We've gotta do something. - I'm on it.
19:16 [ Grunts ]
19:18 [ Slow-motion ] Fish!
19:25 [ All Gasping ]
19:30 Klaus! - Klaus!
19:32 No! My plan!
19:36 Now hang on. This man looks familiar to me.
19:39 Ha! It is.
19:41 This man's poopy exploits have brought me many hours of online joy.
19:46 Now what exactly were you trying to accomplish here, Mr. Funny Poopy Man?
19:50 Mr. President, I'm sorry.
19:52 I just thought if you fudged in the pool, maybe people would stop laughing at me.
19:57 Oh, man. You can't worry about what other people think of you.
19:59 Do you know how mad the black community gets at me because I don't smoke menthols?
20:04 But it doesn't affect me because I don't let it.
20:06 But, sir, I'm a laughingstock.
20:09 Uh, look, Poopy Man.
20:11 If you refuse to care what people think...
20:13 then their laughter cannot hurt you.
20:17 Just ignore them.
20:20 Oh, terrific.
20:21 It looks like Michelle is gonna delight us with one of her famous cannonballs.
20:26 [ Man ] Yeah, Michelle! - Cannonball!
20:29 [ With Crowd ] Cannonball!
20:31 Cannonball! Cannonball!
20:34 Cannonball! Cannonball! Cannonball!
20:38 Cannonball!
20:40 I haven't jumped yet. I imagined the whole thing.
20:43 Cannonball! Cannonball! - [ Stomach Gurgles ]
20:46 Their laughter can't hurt me if I don't let it.
20:48 Extended fantasy sequence Obama made me realize that. - Cannonball! Cannonball!
20:53 [ Sighs ] - Cannonball! Cannonball!
20:56 Cannonball!
21:00 [ All Laughing ]
21:47 Bye! Have a beautiful time.