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It's him or me. Who you gonna pick? Who? Who?
S06E17 An Incident at Owl Creek
02:22 – 02:25
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But that owl was my best friend for 15 years in the wilderness.
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[ Hooting ] Hoo? Hoo? - Stay out of it!
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:34
Hey. Sharri and Buckle are moving into the neighborhood.
00:37
And they've invited us to a pool party.
00:39
[ Francine ] Hmm. - Hmm.
00:40
Wait. Next weekend? Does that give us enough time?
00:43
Oh, no, Stan. Does this mean we have to do another one of your—
00:46
"Are we good enough to be seen in public?" smith family fashion shows?
00:49
Yes, it does.
00:50
[ Electronic Dance ]
00:54
First up...
00:55
Hayley Smith in what appears to be...
00:58
the White Trash Going Crazy at Lake Havasu Collection.
01:01
[ Stan ] Stop! Stop!
01:03
You are not wearing that to Buckle and Sharri's pool party.
01:06
You look like you should be holding up round cards...
01:08
at a dogfight in Fresno.
01:12
Mmm. Mmm.
01:15
Steve, you've known about this party for a week and you haven't bulked up.
01:18
You didn't make a dent in that Russian protein powder I gave you.
01:21
Uh, I don't think it's for people, Dad.
01:25
Get out of my sight. You made me feel like a fool...
01:27
for building a professional-grade runway in my living room.
01:32
You, my darling, look perfect.
01:34
Thank you. - But you run your mouth at these things.
01:36
I'm giving you a hundred-word limit. Here. I got you this counter.
01:39
Are you serious? - [ Clicking ]
01:41
You've got 97 left. - Stan, why is it every time we go out in public together...
01:45
you make us pass your silly inspection?
01:48
Yeah, Dad. Why do you care so much what other people think?
01:51
Because that's all that matters!
01:52
One's true value is determined solely through the eyes of others.
01:57
That's from Genesis.
01:58
Their first album, I think.
02:05
Welcome neighborhood, Sharri. - [ Clicking ]
02:07
Glad not in woods anymore?
02:09
One year in that "Farshtunkeneh" cabin was enough.
02:12
I was going "meshuggee."
02:14
[ Hooting ] - Buckle! Get rid of that owl! My migraines!
02:18
But that owl was my best friend for 15 years in the wilderness.
02:22
It's him or me. Who you gonna pick? Who? Who?
02:25
[ Hooting ] Hoo? Hoo? - Stay out of it!
02:28
[ Whimpering Hoot ]
02:30
[[ Thinking ] Party's going well
02:32
No Smith family blunders. That's good
02:35
Mmm. Great brisket
02:37
Careful now. Ninety-six percent Of all party fouls involve food or drink.
02:41
Dont spill it. Dont choke on it
02:43
How are you?
02:44
Youre doing great kiddo. I love you so much.
02:47
Dad, I'm sweating like a pig in this thing.
02:49
It's humiliating. - Not to me.
02:52
And show some respect. Your grandmother drowned in that bathing suit.
02:56
How family? No embarrass? - [ Clicking ]
02:59
So far so good. - [I Roger ] Hello, y'all.
03:01
I'm Stan Smith's brother, Applebee McFridays.
03:04
Do I smell kreplach?
03:06
Oh, no. Roger.
03:08
I helped Buckle with his conversion to Judaism.
03:11
That was one stubborn foreskin.
03:13
Hey, Rabbi. I got a joke for ya.
03:15
Two priests are hitting on an altar boy—
03:17
Hello, guy who mistakenly believes he's my brother.
03:19
If you want to hear a joke, Rabbi, I got a nice clean one.
03:22
Um, uh, okay. What are the three rings of marriage?
03:26
The first one's the engagement ring. The second one's the wedding ring.
03:29
And the third one? The "suffer-ring."
03:31
[ All Laughing ]
03:34
stan, that's not a good joke 'cause it's not racist. Okay, here's one.
03:37
So this lazy Mexican walks into an even lazier black guy's bar—
03:41
Hey, everyone. Who wants to see me cannonball into the pool?
03:44
[ All Cheering ] Yeah!
03:46
A man turning his body into an old instrument of war? I'm in!
03:49
[ Cheering ]
03:51
I am constantly doing damage control for this family.
03:55
Cannonball! Cannonball! Cannonball!
04:00
Cannonball! - [ Stomach Gurgles ]
04:02
Oh, dear. That brisket was too greasy.
04:04
Now I gotta poop.
04:06
Cannonball! Cannonball! Cannonball!
04:11
Cannonball! Cannonball!
04:14
Cannonball! Cannonball!
04:18
[ Slow-motion Distorted Shouting ]
04:30
[ Water Burbles ]
04:37
[ Slow-motion, Distorted ] No!
04:42
[ All Groaning ]
04:43
No way.
04:44
Oh, my God!
04:52
[ Gasps ]
04:54
[ Panting ]
04:55
[ Laughing ] - [ All Laughing ]
05:06
Great cannonball though.
05:10
He did that in the neighbor's pool?
05:13
That's disgusting. People have to swim in that water.
05:17
I'm probably gonna get some kind of gross rash.
05:19
I was in the pool when he did it. I was at ground Zero.
05:22
Hayley, it's not okay to use that term.
05:24
I was actually at ground zero.
05:26
I was the first one on the scene selling erotic T-shirts.
05:29
"Osama Bin Sexy," "Sexy Bin Laden'...
05:32
and "Yo Mama Bin Fartin'."
05:34
That last one was not erotic to everybody.
05:37
Your poor father. He didn't even come home last night.
05:40
[ Gasps ] Stan!
05:42
Have you been in there all night? - Yes. And I'm never coming out.
05:45
And you were worried about me embarrassing you?
05:48
Stop it, Steve. Stan, none of us think any less of you for what you did.
05:53
I don't care what any of you guys think. What does that matter?
05:55
My reputation's ruined.
05:57
soiled, like these cheap swim trunks...
05:59
and the several places I sat down when I first came home.
06:02
sweetheart, nobody knows.
06:04
Just a few neighbors at the party.
06:07
You're blowing this whole thing out of proportion.
06:09
[ Sighs ] Okay, okay.
06:11
M-Maybe you're right.
06:14
Oh, no. Oh, no. No, Frank. No, you can stay in there. - Hi, Frank.
06:24
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
06:29
[ Chuckling ]
06:31
[ All Laughing ]
06:39
[ Chuckling ]
06:43
[ All Laughing ]
06:53
[ Laughing ]
07:09
[ Laughing ]
07:11
[ Screams ]
07:14
[ Whimpers ]
07:15
[ Sobbing ]
07:18
[ Crying ]
07:25
stan, what happened?
07:27
It was so embarrassing. The whole town's laughing at me. And of all days...
07:32
Bullock just appointed me the head of the new Tactical Urban Response Division.
07:36
[ Gasps ]
07:37
[ Crying ]
07:44
Francine. Francine, wake up.
07:46
I'm too tired. Do whatever you want.
07:49
Just don't get it in my hair.
07:52
Wake the kids and get them in the car. You have 90 seconds.
07:58
Stan, it's 3:00 in the morning.
08:01
Where are we going? - I can no longer live in this town.
08:05
[ All Scream ]
08:06
The Smiths are dead. There's no turning back.
08:09
Oh, my God! It's Frank! - [ Screaming ]
08:12
I see him. I see him.
08:23
[ Bell Dings ]
08:26
Stan, we've been driving all night.
08:28
Do you even have a plan? - Yes.
08:31
To get as far away from my shame as possible.
08:33
Can't we just go home? - Yeah, if we can go back in time.
08:37
Can you do that, Hayley? Have you smoked that much weed?
08:40
Well, if you see me back there, tell me "Don't jump in the pool. Don't jump in the pool!"
08:44
Roger, what happened?
08:46
Well, I guess sometimes a hole in a men's room stall...
08:49
is just a hole in a men's room stall.
08:51
The world needs to know. America is ready to step up and lead again.
08:56
So inspiring.
08:58
Hey, you guys are truckers. Want to hear a horribly racist joke?
09:01
Hey! Where I come from, we don't judge a man by the color of his skin.
09:05
Or his religion. Or even the mistakes of his past.
09:09
Excuse me, friend. Where are you from exactly?
09:12
Small town in Indiana called Mercyville.
09:14
It's not fancy, mind you. You know, we don't have any swimming pools...
09:18
and thus, no one ever recounts any swimming pool-related stories.
09:22
But what we lack in places to swim...
09:24
we make up for in understandin'.
09:26
That sounds like the perfect place for us to live.
09:29
Well, not much of a gay scene out back either.
09:35
What a quaint town.
09:37
A malt shop, an old-fashioned barber, a bakery.
09:40
Yeah, yeah. We get it. Little slice of heaven.
09:42
Let's just hope it has what every other small town in America has:
09:44
cheap and plentiful methamphetamines.
09:47
Hardware store has a Help Wanted sign.
09:49
I think I will inquire within.
09:51
You know, gang, this could really be a chance for us to reinvent ourselves.
09:54
Oh, yes. I'm sure life will be very different for me here.
10:01
Close enough shave for you so far?
10:03
So far. And thanks for talking me out of that neck beard.
10:06
I gotta say, I love your little town.
10:08
I think my family's gonna be happy here for generations.
10:11
Do I know you? - No. I don't think so.
10:13
Wait. Are you from Langley Falls?
10:16
Never heard of the place. - Are you sure?
10:19
Because my brother lives in Langley Falls.
10:21
He sent me a newspaper clipping...
10:23
and I swear it had a photo of you.
10:26
You did something.
10:28
Hey. You guys want to hear a good racist joke?
10:30
[ Groans ] I can't remember what it was.
10:34
Ah. I threw away the clipping.
10:36
But it'll come to me. It always does.
10:44
For the life of me, Chairman Meow...
10:46
I can't remember what it was that guy did.
10:53
[ Groans ] What was it?
10:56
It was something embarrassing.
11:06
That's it! He did a cannonball into the pool...
11:09
and then he took a giant— [ Gasps ]
11:12
You had to remember.
11:14
Come on. You're really gonna kill me just 'cause I know your secret?
11:20
So this place isn't gonna work out.
11:25
[ Ship Horn Blows ]
11:28
[ Crowd Chattering ]
11:31
This is perfect. We're living above a fish market in Little Romania.
11:35
Nobody here has any connection to Langley Falls.
11:37
I wish we weren't sharing the apartment with 14 members of the Bombescu family.
11:42
[ Groans ] - Thirteen.
11:44
[ Gasps ] - Back to 14.
11:46
Circle of life. Beautiful thing.
11:48
See? We're safe here. We've outrun my shame for good.
11:53
He wants me to play with him.
11:55
[ All Laughing ]
11:57
Cannonball! Cannonball!
12:00
Somebody was videotaping?
12:03
[ All Laughing ]
12:04
Oh, my God! Stan Smith just made a BM!
12:10
You can't hit me. I'm a new mother.
12:13
[ Tires Squeal ] - [ All Shouting ]
12:15
We have to move somewhere they don't have the Internet.
12:19
[ Chanting In Native Language ]
12:24
[ Laughing ]
12:26
[ Crowd Laughing ] - [ Owl Hooting ]
12:31
[ Synthesized Pop ]
12:36
[ Men Laughing ]
12:42
[ Woman On PA. Speaking Spanish ]
12:46
Wait. Where's your ticket? - I've realized I can't outrun this thing.
12:50
I'm sending you back without me so you can lead normal lives.
12:53
What? We don't want to go back without you.
12:56
Trust me. This'll be better for all of us.
12:58
Guess that makes me the man of the house.
13:00
There's gonna be some changes. Steve, kiss me on the mouth.
13:03
But... what will you do?
13:05
Oh, don't worry. I'll be fine.
13:07
I'm gonna have a drink at the airport bar, then I'm gonna blow my brains out.
13:10
Don't tell the kids. - Stan, the kids know you drink.
13:13
[ Sighs ] Yeah. I'm, uh—
13:16
I'm not gonna miss that.
13:18
President Obama visited the UN. today...
13:20
where he received a five-hour standing ovation.
13:23
That Obama sure has changed things. - What do you mean?
13:26
Well, the United States was the laughingstock of the world until Obama came along.
13:31
Yeah. Sure. Whatever.
13:36
I mean, the United States has done some pretty shameful things.
13:41
Just this 20-gauge and, uh, one of these Toblerones.
13:46
But then Obama comes along, and he makes it all better.
13:50
Uh, you may want to stand back. Brain matter.
13:53
I mean, if Obama can make America look good...
13:56
after all the embarrassing crap it's pulled...
13:58
then he can make anything look good.
14:01
My God.
14:03
That's it!
14:05
Anyway, as you know...
14:07
Lima has a booming industry of blind male prostitutes...
14:11
of which I am widely known as the second-most disease-free.
14:16
Setier?
14:18
[ Sighs ]
14:22
[ Groans ]
14:27
[ Both Gasp ]
14:28
We can be together again! I've got a plan.
14:30
Does that plan include explaining why a footless blind man...
14:34
is giving an expert Bajowski to our baggage handler?
14:37
Admire the skills!
14:39
No, listen. I'm a laughingstock, right?
14:41
Well, there's one man who's so beloved...
14:43
that if he did what I did, he'd actually make it cool. - What are you talking about?
14:48
It's simple. We've just gotta get President Obama to make a boom-boom in a pool.
14:53
I don't know. Obama may be black...
14:55
but I bet he keeps his butt clenched like he's white.
14:57
[ Chuckles ] That's from my stand-up routine. Check it out.
15:00
You ever notice when a black man poops in the pool, he's like, "Yo, check it."
15:04
But then when a white guy poops in a pool, he's all...
15:06
"Oh, my. I'm defecating in the swimming receptacle."
15:12
[ Airplane Passes Overhead ]
15:14
Stan, we'll never even get close to Obama. This plan is crazy.
15:19
Look. If we can just get Obama to do what I did, then no one can tease me anymore.
15:22
Then we can move back home together.
15:24
White mission control be all...
15:27
"Uh, we are clear to initiate landing sequence for space shuttle Atlantis." "
15:31
But black mission control be all, "Get out of the way. Here comes the shuttle!"
15:35
[ Beeping ]
15:37
[ Chattering ]
15:39
This roach coach will serve as our base of operations...
15:41
as we carry out Operation Pinch A Loaf.
15:44
I need two breakfast burritos and a side of refried beans.
15:47
Two B.B.'s and a side of fart paste comin' up.
15:49
The plan is simple. We'll renovate a run-down community pool.
15:53
Then we'll have a grand opening ceremony...
15:55
convince Obama to swim the inaugural lap...
15:57
and then get him to drop a presidential deuce.
16:00
How are we gonna get to Obama?
16:02
First step, one of us is going to make friends with his two adorable daughters.
16:06
But they go to one of the most exclusive private schools in D.C.
16:09
How are we even gonna get close?
16:12
We're a lesbian couple.
16:14
We adopted our daughter from an orphanage in Somalia.
16:16
My name is Winfrey.
16:17
Full scholarship.
16:20
[ Chattering ]
16:22
Hi. The name's Winfrey.
16:24
I like Jo Bros, Mi Cy, Gaga,
16:26
Kay Pay, Fifi, Shwee Shwee and the Flack Eye Fleas.
16:29
Yeah, we fray-frays now. We best fray-frays!
16:31
Let's have a playdate— your house.
16:35
Madam First Lady...
16:37
we are so honored to be here as lesbians of no color.
16:41
Well, your daughter is just darling.
16:43
Barack and I are so pleased the girls and Winfrey have hit it off.
16:47
Okay, according to the map, this is where Amy Carter buried all of her dildos.
16:51
So it would really mean a lot to the community...
16:54
if the president would come and take the inaugural lap.
16:56
I will make sure he's there.
17:02
No fair. Everybody has a role in this plan except for me.
17:06
I could live to be a hundred...
17:08
and never figure out how to fold a burrito.
17:10
Okay, let me ask you this.
17:12
You can lead a president to water, but how will you make him Smith in it?
17:16
[ Toilet Flushes ] - Klaus, I'd like you to meet Dr. Olestra Montezuma...
17:20
Mexico's leading authority on quantum-fecal theory.
17:23
Dr. Montezuma is developing a fast-acting laxative for our operation.
17:28
He was the mastermind behind Tijuana.
17:30
I've never been, but I've heard terrible things.
17:33
Congratulations, Doctor.
17:34
Let's get started.
17:36
First I will show you some samples.
17:38
Manuel, bring in the jars.
17:40
I need more time, jefe.
17:42
Well, bring whatever you have.
17:45
It will just be a minute.
17:50
Is everybody in position?
17:51
Check - Yeah.
17:52
Ready, Dad
17:53
Inserting laxative into hot dog "A."
17:57
Inserting hot dog "B" into my "A."
18:02
Here comes the limo. - [ Cheering ]
18:04
[ Woman ] Mr. President!
18:06
[ Stan ] /] Roger, go, go!
18:08
[ Chattering ] - Hello, Mr. President.
18:10
I made a hot dog just for you.
18:13
Oh. Aren't you cute? Uh, but I don't eat before I swim.
18:16
Francine, initiate backup plan.
18:18
Repeat. Put on the laxative glove and shake Obama's hand.
18:21
He'll absorb it through his skin.
18:24
Mr. President, we are so thrilled that you're here.
18:39
All right. Let's swim. - [ Woman ] I Whoo!
18:41
Oh, my God! - [ Woman #2 ] I Whoo!
18:43
[ Man ] Yeah! - [ Woman #1 ] I had no idea.
18:46
That's it. The operation's a failure.
18:48
Good-bye, family. You will never see or hear from me again.
18:52
[ Woman ] I Whoo! - [ Applause ]
18:54
[ Woman ] Oh, my gosh.
18:56
[ Cheering ]
18:58
We've gotta do something. - I'm on it.
19:16
[ Grunts ]
19:18
[ Slow-motion ] Fish!
19:25
[ All Gasping ]
19:30
Klaus! - Klaus!
19:32
No! My plan!
19:36
Now hang on. This man looks familiar to me.
19:39
Ha! It is.
19:41
This man's poopy exploits have brought me many hours of online joy.
19:46
Now what exactly were you trying to accomplish here, Mr. Funny Poopy Man?
19:50
Mr. President, I'm sorry.
19:52
I just thought if you fudged in the pool, maybe people would stop laughing at me.
19:57
Oh, man. You can't worry about what other people think of you.
19:59
Do you know how mad the black community gets at me because I don't smoke menthols?
20:04
But it doesn't affect me because I don't let it.
20:06
But, sir, I'm a laughingstock.
20:09
Uh, look, Poopy Man.
20:11
If you refuse to care what people think...
20:13
then their laughter cannot hurt you.
20:17
Just ignore them.
20:20
Oh, terrific.
20:21
It looks like Michelle is gonna delight us with one of her famous cannonballs.
20:26
[ Man ] Yeah, Michelle! - Cannonball!
20:29
[ With Crowd ] Cannonball!
20:31
Cannonball! Cannonball!
20:34
Cannonball! Cannonball! Cannonball!
20:38
Cannonball!
20:40
I haven't jumped yet. I imagined the whole thing.
20:43
Cannonball! Cannonball! - [ Stomach Gurgles ]
20:46
Their laughter can't hurt me if I don't let it.
20:48
Extended fantasy sequence Obama made me realize that. - Cannonball! Cannonball!
20:53
[ Sighs ] - Cannonball! Cannonball!
20:56
Cannonball!
21:00
[ All Laughing ]
21:47
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
