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That's not the world we live in.
S07E03 Best Little Horror House in Langley Falls
06:48 – 06:50
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That's all fantasy.
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[ Woman Singing ] - It's time to get back to basics, Stan.
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:35
Wow. A private tennis lesson with Maria Sharapova.
00:40
[ Grunting ] - [ Grunting ]
00:45
[ Grunting Continues ]
00:47
[ Roars ] - Aaah!
00:49
[ Screams ] - [ Thuds ]
00:51
[ Groaning ]
00:54
I scared him right out the window.
00:56
You're the scariest man I know.
01:00
I think I dislocated my shoulder.
01:02
Ah, it's so crooked and awesome. Don't set it.
01:04
We'll freak people out with it tonight at the—
01:06
[ Together ] Scariest haunted house on the block, witches!
01:09
And every year you get me so scared, I pee my pants.
01:12
Eight years running. What up!
01:14
[ Both Growl ] - [ Terry ] Hey.
01:17
What do you think of my poker face?
01:19
Call the paparazzi.
01:20
Is that Terry?
01:22
Terry Gaga. Looking forward to your haunted house tonight.
01:25
It'll scare you straight!
01:27
Every year. - [ Loud Boom ]
01:30
What in the heck was that?
01:32
Sounds like it came from Buckle and Shari's house.
01:34
[ Loud Boom ]
01:37
Buckle's doing a haunted house? That's my thing.
01:40
Oh, he's new to the neighborhood.
01:42
He clearly doesn't know that you're the Fresh Prince of Bel-Scare.
01:45
Let's go see what this amateur's doing.
01:48
Wait. What about my shoulder?
01:52
[ Bones Crack ] - [ Groans ]
01:53
[ Rumbling ]
01:57
[ Loud Boom ]
02:00
[ Loud Boom ] - [ Bell Chiming ]
02:02
I'll fucking kill you! - [ Both Scream ]
02:05
Not too shabby, huh? - [ Loud Boom ]
02:06
[ Both Scream ]
02:08
[ Laughs ] Everything you see here is my own creation.
02:11
This is all stuff I wanted to do when I was an Imagineer at Disney...
02:15
but was told my ideas weren't "family friendly."
02:18
I'll skin you alive, you little whore!
02:22
I'm getting my nails done.
02:24
I guess I'm taking the pumpkin car, since my Mazda's blocked in.
02:30
And get this fakakta ghoul off the car!
02:33
That's your navigation system, hon.
02:35
At the corner, take a fright!
02:37
Shut up! - [ Horn Honks ]
02:39
Well, I sure hope you guys can make it tonight for all the fun.
02:43
But-But I'm-- I'm the Fresh Prince.
02:46
Eight years running.
02:48
[ Loud Crash ] - Oh, my God! Buckle!
02:55
How do you like my inflate-double?
02:58
Shari says we're both full of hot air.
03:01
[ Laughing ] Oh, I never envisioned my life like this.
03:04
I don't know how to get out.
03:07
[ Chattering ]
03:09
[ Doorbell Rings ]
03:11
Steven. Let me guess.
03:13
You're a Transformer? - A Transformer?
03:15
I'm not a child anymore, madam.
03:18
I am a GoBot.
03:19
And Barry? - I'm Jonah Hill-
03:22
Or Seth Rogen, if I put on Steve's glasses.
03:26
And, Snot, are you a gymnast?
03:29
No. These are my gym clothes, okay?
03:31
My mom sold my dragon costume to buy dental dams.
03:35
What do I care if she spreads what she's got?
03:37
she's already got it.
03:39
I don't care if those other guys get it.
03:41
[ Laughs ]
03:43
Uh, come in, kids.
03:45
I bought Toshi a fun samurai outfit...
03:48
but he's too stubborn to put it on.
03:49
[ Speaking Japanese ]
03:51
But, Toshi, this is your heritage.
03:55
[ Japanese ]
03:58
Slam! - You promised your sister.
04:01
Unless you boys would be willing to take Akiko?
04:11
Hummina, hummina, hummina. Boner!
04:13
What? - No. I mean, yeah, you- You can come.
04:16
The more the merrier. Whatevs. I love you, not even.
04:19
[ Speaking Japanese ]
04:21
He wants you to protect me and have me back by sundown.
04:24
No, he's looking out for you.
04:25
I like that. Strong family bond.
04:28
You know what this says a lot for? Two-parent homes.
04:31
Let's stay together, people. Let's work it out.
04:36
Stan, if you want those guts to look real, I suggest using a Bolognese.
04:40
You know, after university I traveled through Italy, stabbing students.
04:45
Francine, where have you been?
04:46
You're supposed to be peeling grapes for our bowl of eyeballs.
04:49
I had to go see Buckle's again.
04:51
What? You went to another man's haunted house?
04:55
I couldn't help it.
04:56
I honestly don't know how I got out of there.
04:59
The upstairs hallway spiraled into a black hole...
05:02
and the weather kept changing, and I was a child again.
05:06
Well, mine is gonna be way better, once I hang all these cobwebs.
05:10
How scary are these?
05:11
Spiders made these, people are meant to think.
05:14
stan, I'm sorry, but you can't compete with Buckle.
05:17
What are you talking about? I'm still the scariest— - [ Sloshing ]
05:20
What is that sound? - Nothing.
05:21
[ Sniffs ] That's pee-pee!
05:24
Did you— Did you pee yourself at Buckle's?
05:27
I'm sorry, Stan, but it's really scary over there.
05:31
He has this terrifying Semitic woman that keeps screaming, "Coasters!"
05:35
I couldn't help it. My panties overflowed and filled my shoes.
05:40
I can't believe this is happening!
05:41
Stan, you're gonna have to face it-
05:44
Buckle's haunted house is better than yours.
05:46
The Stan Smith haunted-house era Is over.
05:50
Wait. But I already told Bat Boy he could live in our basement till spring.
05:54
Is there a problem, Stan?
05:57
'Cause I already gave up my bed at the hospital.
06:01
[ Roger Grunting ]
06:03
[ Grunting Continues ]
06:05
Roger? - Down here.
06:08
Sit on me, like a suitcase.
06:10
[ Grunting ]
06:11
There's a lot of history in these jeans.
06:14
Pam Anderson was wearing these when she found out she had all four hepatitises.
06:17
"Hepatiti?
06:19
Either way, she's a friend.
06:20
Ugh! Forget it!
06:23
Don't worry. I'll get these on before the haunted house starts.
06:26
Sorry, Roger, it's off. - What?
06:28
Francine's thrown in the towel.
06:29
she says I can't compete with Buckle.
06:31
And you know what? She's right.
06:33
No, she's not.
06:35
You can make your house scarier than Buckle's. - How?
06:38
[ Disco]
06:43
A lot of folks out there are trying to scare people with fake ghouls and goblins.
06:47
That's all fantasy.
06:48
That's not the world we live in.
06:50
[ Woman Singing ] - It's time to get back to basics, Stan.
06:53
You work at the C.I.A.
06:54
You can get real stuff that's even scarier.
06:57
Real corpses, real eyeballs, real skeletons.
07:00
Stan, it's time for you—
07:02
[ With Record ] ~ to be real
07:07
What you find, ah
07:10
So my haunted house should be real.
07:11
What you feel, ah
07:14
Now you're listening.
07:15
What you know, ah
07:18
Uh-huh.
07:19
lobereal NW
07:25
Roger, you talk-sing a lot of sense.
07:27
Francine will see our haunted house can still be the scariest.
07:30
I'm gonna get real. - You do that.
07:32
I'm gonna find out who these black people are.
07:37
[[ Thinking ] Come on. Say something to impress her.
07:40
Something funny. Something Halloween-related
07:43
So that Cadbury Egg I ate made me gassy. [ Groans ]
07:46
[ Tires Squealing ] - [ Laughing ]
07:49
All right, the sun's going down.
07:51
Let's get Akiko home so we can head over to Vince Chung's bonfire in the woods.
07:56
Parents love P.F. Chang's!
07:59
You guys go ahead. I'll walk Akiko home.
08:07
Oh, my God! The ghost of Whiskers.
08:08
I'm sorry, Whiskers! I didn't know you couldn't breathe underwater!
08:15
Where are you going? My house is this way.
08:17
Yeah, I know, but we're having fun.
08:19
Plus, I thought we'd head over to Vince Chung's bonfire.
08:22
That sounds great, but Toshi said I had to be back by sunset.
08:25
He's super-protective, Steve. - Don't worry about Toshi.
08:29
What's he going to do, come after us?
08:36
[ Speaking Japanese ]
08:50
yah! Yah! [ Whistling ]
08:53
Well, I finally got into my jeans.
08:55
I'm muffin-toppin' pretty bad.
08:59
Who are they? - Serial killers.
09:02
What? - Yeah, I'm keeping it real, just like you said.
09:05
What's scarier than real, live murderers?
09:07
My God, Stan, you're a genius!
09:10
This'll be your scariest haunted house ever.
09:12
Francine will forget all about Buckle.
09:14
Usually when I see men in cages...
09:16
they're kissing each other, and I'm throwing pesos at them.
09:21
Peso! Kiss! [ Kissing Sound ]
09:23
Kiss! - [ Coins Clinking ]
09:33
I used my C.I.A. connections to borrow five...
09:36
of the most ruthless serial killers on the Eastern Seaboard.
09:39
When Francine sees I saved our haunted house...
09:41
she's gonna be totally back on board.
09:43
And then maybe tonight I'll introduce her to the thickness!
09:48
[ Loud Boom ] - I died of fright at Buckle's House of Horror!
09:53
Free ghost churros for the little ones.
09:56
[ Gasps ] Did you see those ghosts? Oh, my God!
09:59
I'm going to swing by "Target" on the way to Buckle's and pick up some Huggies.
10:05
My house is going to be way better than Buckle's.
10:07
I ain't afraid of no ghosts.
10:08
How dare you quote Ghostbusters to me?
10:11
I wrote a movie called Rump Busters...
10:13
and threw it at a guy on the bus who looked like Harold Ramis.
10:15
Two weeks later, Ghostbusters came out.
10:17
Coincidence? Absolutely.
10:21
[I Children Laughing ] - Trick or treat!
10:23
[ Doorbell Rings ] - [ Together ] Trick or treat.
10:26
Oh, my God, Steve and Akiko!
10:27
How— How do you know our names? - Toshi's looking for you two.
10:32
Oh, no. Toshi's furious. - There he is!
10:38
Come on! Let's cut through the house!
10:44
I... enjoy dolphins.
10:52
Where are we going? - Listen.
10:55
It's the Langley Falls. We can hide from Toshi there!
10:58
[ Sighs ] Next time, I'm gonna get a crush on Snot's sister.
11:01
she can only move so fast in those polio braces.
11:08
I don't Know about this costume.
11:11
I want to go as someone sexy.
11:12
Come on. Everyone does the sexy thing.
11:14
It's so played out. - What the hell are you?
11:16
I''m the Cowardly Lion. - No, you're a sexy cowardly lion.
11:20
[ Campy Voice ] Guilty as charged.
11:22
[ Normal Voice ] Now, follow me. I have a surprise for you.
11:31
I don't think you'll be going to Buckle's when you see actual serial killers.
11:36
[ Gasps ] Serial killers?
11:39
That's right. - Uh, what do they do?
11:42
It's not what they do. It's what they did.
11:44
Between them, they've killed 86 people...
11:46
and most of the hookers Drew Carey slept with.
11:49
[ Laughing ] Oh, Stan!
11:50
[ Water Rushing ] - [ Rock intro]
11:53
[ Gasps ]
11:59
Wow! This place is magical. - Yeah.
12:03
Every time I come here, I see something new.
12:05
Like a rare insect, or an older man and a younger man hooking up.
12:09
Hey, let's go swimming.
12:10
There's a cave on the other side of the falls.
12:12
They say if you swim to it with someone, you're friends forever.
12:17
Not the best swimmer.
12:19
Guess we're just leaving our candy unattended.
12:23
[Man] - I got a feeling.
12:27
That tonight's gonna be a good night,
12:30
That tonight's gonna be a good night
12:35
That tonight's gonna be a good, good night
12:38
I feel it ♪
12:41
Akiko! That was incredible!
12:43
[Echoing ] Incredible! Incredible! Farts
12:45
[ ] - That was a duck.
12:47
[Echoing ] That was a duck That was a duck
12:50
[ Chattering ] - Step right up and behold... Death Row!
12:55
More like Lame Row. Those guys aren't scary at all.
12:59
What? - Hey, let's go to Buckle's.
13:01
I hear he's got this tiny bat that flies up your urethra.
13:03
It's crazy. It feels crazy.
13:07
[ Mournful Tune ]
13:09
Guys, it's showtime. What gives?
13:11
Come on, where's the rage?
13:13
Are you tired? Is it too cold in here?
13:15
Is it the lights? Are they making that buzzing noise?
13:17
Hey, Manny.
13:18
The lights are making that buzzing noise again.
13:23
Ohh, boy.
13:29
Stan, nice try, but this is so boring.
13:32
I'm going to go to Buckle's.
13:34
Please, give it a chance!
13:36
Hello. - Roger, the plan's not working.
13:38
They're just sitting here. - Well, that's why I'm dressed like Francine.
13:41
You gotta get 'em riled up. Poke the bear a little.
13:44
Appeal to their rapey side.
13:46
Anyone want to cut my head off and have sex with my body?
13:50
You look like a fat pear.
13:51
I hate you, you fat, gray pear.
13:53
[ Gasps ] You monster! What turns you on?
13:57
Flesh-colored, non-fruit-shaped people—
13:59
like this one? - [ Gasps ]
14:01
Is this what you want? - Now, that's a head I could cut off.
14:04
Let me outta here!
14:06
[ Prisoners Grunting, Muttering ]
14:08
Honey, how come you're not peeing?
14:10
I don't know. It's like looking at a shark in an aquarium.
14:14
They're menacing, but it's not really that scary.
14:19
Great. Now I need a new Halloween costume.
14:21
Roger, I'm taking one of your outfits. - Francine, wait!
14:24
Do not use my Barbara Walters outfit.
14:27
I'm interviewing Mo'Nique next week.
14:28
I'm gonna ask her to sit on my lap!
14:32
Maybe I'll go as a slutty Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
14:35
Francine, don't go to Buckle's.
14:37
We can take turns kicking Bat Boy.
14:39
stan, you don't have to worry. I fixed everything.
14:41
[ Electrical Buzzing ]
14:43
What's going on?
14:45
I let the prisoners out. - You what?
14:47
Yeah, Francine was right.
14:48
A shark's not very intimidating behind glass...
14:51
but if you're in the ocean with it—
14:52
But, Roger, they're going to kill us all.
14:55
And chop off my head!
14:56
Scary, right?
14:58
Aw, I never think things through.
15:06
[ Man In Distance ] I'm comin' for you, Francine!
15:07
stan, call the police!
15:10
Good thinking. - [ Beeping ]
15:12
They cut the line!
15:16
Help! Serial killers are loose in here!
15:18
Call the police! - Let's check it out.
15:21
[ Chattering, Laughing ] - No, no! What are you doing?
15:24
Don't come over here! It's very dangerous!
15:26
You will die!
15:27
[ Woman ] All right! - [ Woman #2 ] I Hurry up!
15:30
[ Man ] Seriously, guys...
15:32
that homemade Tootsie Roll made me feel funny.
15:35
Morons!
15:37
Well, we're sitting ducks up here.
15:39
We gotta sneak out of the house before the killers get to us.
15:42
[ Rattling ]
15:45
Ohh, boy.
15:53
Excuse my hair— It's super-frizzy...
15:56
and the only thing about this moment I wish I could change.
15:58
[ Giggles ]
16:02
[ Shouts ] - [ Groans ]
16:04
[ Screams ]
16:06
[ Speaking Japanese ]
16:13
GoBot, activate! Form of... escape rocket!
16:18
[ Buzzing, Whirring ]
16:33
[ Water Dripping ]
16:35
Yah! - Aaah
16:39
[ Gasping ]
16:40
[ Panting ]
16:45
[ Shouting ]
16:49
[ Screaming ] - [ Shouts ]
16:56
[ Whimpering ] - Get outta here! You're gonna die!
16:58
[ Squealing, Laughing ]
17:01
[ Woman Screams ]
17:03
Why are you running?
17:05
I love you! - [ Revving ]
17:13
[ All Grunt ]
17:14
[I Laughs ] - [ All Screaming ]
17:23
Lean against the door! - [ Man Growls ] The door won't budge.
17:26
They must have the fridge against it.
17:28
[ Groans ] This is my wake-up call.
17:31
[ Chattering ] - Aaah! [ Groans ]
17:33
[ Crowd Gasps ]
17:36
[ Japanese ]
17:38
Do it! Kill me!
17:40
Because that's what you're doin' to your sister.
17:43
Look, you gotta stop being so overprotective.
17:46
she's not a little girl, Toshi. she's a young lady.
17:49
I Know you love her...
17:51
but if you don't loosen your kung fu grip, you're gonna lose her—
17:54
forever.
17:58
[ Japanese ]
18:06
Thanks for sticking up for me, Steve.
18:08
Now I can finally date without worrying about Toshi's wrath.
18:12
Which is so great, because I have such a big crush... on Doug.
18:16
Doug?
18:18
[ Clicks Tongue ]
18:20
But Doug's nine.
18:22
He's a really nice guy.
18:24
And Doug can dance.
18:26
ee [ fechno]
18:40
[Man] - I wanna rock right now
18:42
I wanna, I wanna rock right now ♪
18:44
I wanna, I wanna rock right now ♪
18:46
Now, now, rock right now,!
18:47
I wanna, I wanna rock right now ♪
18:49
I wanna, I wanna rock right now ♪
18:52
I wanna, I wanna rock right now ♪
18:56
I wanna da— I wanna dance in the lights ♪
19:00
I wanna ro— I wanna rock yo body
19:04
I wanna go, I wanna go for a ride
19:07
Hop in the music and rock yo body right
19:11
[ Distorted Voice ] ~ Rock that body
19:12
Come on, come on Rock that body.
19:14
[ Man Groaning ] - We can't hold them off forever!
19:17
I can't believe we're going to get butchered...
19:19
all because you needed to have the best haunted house.
19:21
I did all this for you, Francine.
19:23
What? Why? - To impress you.
19:26
You chose Buckle over me.
19:28
Doesn't matter whose house is scarier. You're my wife.
19:31
You're supposed to stand by my side...
19:33
lie to me, and tell me my house is better.
19:35
Oh, my God, Stan. I'm so sorry.
19:39
This is all my fault.
19:41
Yeah. It is your fault. - [ Glass Shatters ]
19:44
[ Growls ] - [ Francine Screams ]
19:48
Head for the woods! It's always safe there!
19:52
[ Francine Screams ] I]
19:54
[ Chainsaw Revving ]
19:59
[ Grunting ]
20:05
[ Chuckles ] - [I Francine Whimpers ]
20:11
[ Screams ]
20:21
[ Toshi ] Hah!
20:25
[ Chuckles ]
20:29
[ Shouts ]
20:31
[ Groans ]
20:33
[ Growling ] - [ Whimpering ]
20:38
[ Groans, Screams ]
20:55
Oh, I can't stay mad at you.
20:57
Come on. There's something I've wanted to do since I first laid eyes on you.
21:02
Get those bangs off your face.
21:04
I'm taking this home with me.
21:06
[Man] - That tonight's gonna be a good good night,
21:11
I feel it ♪
21:13
♪ [ Vocalizing ]
21:47
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
