Ah, it's so crooked and awesome. Don't set it. — ClipClopulator

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Ah, it's so crooked and awesome. Don't set it.

S07E03 Best Little Horror House in Langley Falls

01:02 – 01:04

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Previous lineI think I dislocated my shoulder.Next lineWe'll freak people out with it tonight at the—

Transcript

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00:05 Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08 I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11 The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14 And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20 Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24 Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29 [[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:35 Wow. A private tennis lesson with Maria Sharapova.
00:40 [ Grunting ] - [ Grunting ]
00:45 [ Grunting Continues ]
00:47 [ Roars ] - Aaah!
00:49 [ Screams ] - [ Thuds ]
00:51 [ Groaning ]
00:54 I scared him right out the window.
00:56 You're the scariest man I know.
01:00 I think I dislocated my shoulder.
01:02 Ah, it's so crooked and awesome. Don't set it.
01:04 We'll freak people out with it tonight at the—
01:06 [ Together ] Scariest haunted house on the block, witches!
01:09 And every year you get me so scared, I pee my pants.
01:12 Eight years running. What up!
01:14 [ Both Growl ] - [ Terry ] Hey.
01:17 What do you think of my poker face?
01:19 Call the paparazzi.
01:20 Is that Terry?
01:22 Terry Gaga. Looking forward to your haunted house tonight.
01:25 It'll scare you straight!
01:27 Every year. - [ Loud Boom ]
01:30 What in the heck was that?
01:32 Sounds like it came from Buckle and Shari's house.
01:34 [ Loud Boom ]
01:37 Buckle's doing a haunted house? That's my thing.
01:40 Oh, he's new to the neighborhood.
01:42 He clearly doesn't know that you're the Fresh Prince of Bel-Scare.
01:45 Let's go see what this amateur's doing.
01:48 Wait. What about my shoulder?
01:52 [ Bones Crack ] - [ Groans ]
01:53 [ Rumbling ]
01:57 [ Loud Boom ]
02:00 [ Loud Boom ] - [ Bell Chiming ]
02:02 I'll fucking kill you! - [ Both Scream ]
02:05 Not too shabby, huh? - [ Loud Boom ]
02:06 [ Both Scream ]
02:08 [ Laughs ] Everything you see here is my own creation.
02:11 This is all stuff I wanted to do when I was an Imagineer at Disney...
02:15 but was told my ideas weren't "family friendly."
02:18 I'll skin you alive, you little whore!
02:22 I'm getting my nails done.
02:24 I guess I'm taking the pumpkin car, since my Mazda's blocked in.
02:30 And get this fakakta ghoul off the car!
02:33 That's your navigation system, hon.
02:35 At the corner, take a fright!
02:37 Shut up! - [ Horn Honks ]
02:39 Well, I sure hope you guys can make it tonight for all the fun.
02:43 But-But I'm-- I'm the Fresh Prince.
02:46 Eight years running.
02:48 [ Loud Crash ] - Oh, my God! Buckle!
02:55 How do you like my inflate-double?
02:58 Shari says we're both full of hot air.
03:01 [ Laughing ] Oh, I never envisioned my life like this.
03:04 I don't know how to get out.
03:07 [ Chattering ]
03:09 [ Doorbell Rings ]
03:11 Steven. Let me guess.
03:13 You're a Transformer? - A Transformer?
03:15 I'm not a child anymore, madam.
03:18 I am a GoBot.
03:19 And Barry? - I'm Jonah Hill-
03:22 Or Seth Rogen, if I put on Steve's glasses.
03:26 And, Snot, are you a gymnast?
03:29 No. These are my gym clothes, okay?
03:31 My mom sold my dragon costume to buy dental dams.
03:35 What do I care if she spreads what she's got?
03:37 she's already got it.
03:39 I don't care if those other guys get it.
03:41 [ Laughs ]
03:43 Uh, come in, kids.
03:45 I bought Toshi a fun samurai outfit...
03:48 but he's too stubborn to put it on.
03:49 [ Speaking Japanese ]
03:51 But, Toshi, this is your heritage.
03:55 [ Japanese ]
03:58 Slam! - You promised your sister.
04:01 Unless you boys would be willing to take Akiko?
04:11 Hummina, hummina, hummina. Boner!
04:13 What? - No. I mean, yeah, you- You can come.
04:16 The more the merrier. Whatevs. I love you, not even.
04:19 [ Speaking Japanese ]
04:21 He wants you to protect me and have me back by sundown.
04:24 No, he's looking out for you.
04:25 I like that. Strong family bond.
04:28 You know what this says a lot for? Two-parent homes.
04:31 Let's stay together, people. Let's work it out.
04:36 Stan, if you want those guts to look real, I suggest using a Bolognese.
04:40 You know, after university I traveled through Italy, stabbing students.
04:45 Francine, where have you been?
04:46 You're supposed to be peeling grapes for our bowl of eyeballs.
04:49 I had to go see Buckle's again.
04:51 What? You went to another man's haunted house?
04:55 I couldn't help it.
04:56 I honestly don't know how I got out of there.
04:59 The upstairs hallway spiraled into a black hole...
05:02 and the weather kept changing, and I was a child again.
05:06 Well, mine is gonna be way better, once I hang all these cobwebs.
05:10 How scary are these?
05:11 Spiders made these, people are meant to think.
05:14 stan, I'm sorry, but you can't compete with Buckle.
05:17 What are you talking about? I'm still the scariest— - [ Sloshing ]
05:20 What is that sound? - Nothing.
05:21 [ Sniffs ] That's pee-pee!
05:24 Did you— Did you pee yourself at Buckle's?
05:27 I'm sorry, Stan, but it's really scary over there.
05:31 He has this terrifying Semitic woman that keeps screaming, "Coasters!"
05:35 I couldn't help it. My panties overflowed and filled my shoes.
05:40 I can't believe this is happening!
05:41 Stan, you're gonna have to face it-
05:44 Buckle's haunted house is better than yours.
05:46 The Stan Smith haunted-house era Is over.
05:50 Wait. But I already told Bat Boy he could live in our basement till spring.
05:54 Is there a problem, Stan?
05:57 'Cause I already gave up my bed at the hospital.
06:01 [ Roger Grunting ]
06:03 [ Grunting Continues ]
06:05 Roger? - Down here.
06:08 Sit on me, like a suitcase.
06:10 [ Grunting ]
06:11 There's a lot of history in these jeans.
06:14 Pam Anderson was wearing these when she found out she had all four hepatitises.
06:17 "Hepatiti?
06:19 Either way, she's a friend.
06:20 Ugh! Forget it!
06:23 Don't worry. I'll get these on before the haunted house starts.
06:26 Sorry, Roger, it's off. - What?
06:28 Francine's thrown in the towel.
06:29 she says I can't compete with Buckle.
06:31 And you know what? She's right.
06:33 No, she's not.
06:35 You can make your house scarier than Buckle's. - How?
06:38 [ Disco]
06:43 A lot of folks out there are trying to scare people with fake ghouls and goblins.
06:47 That's all fantasy.
06:48 That's not the world we live in.
06:50 [ Woman Singing ] - It's time to get back to basics, Stan.
06:53 You work at the C.I.A.
06:54 You can get real stuff that's even scarier.
06:57 Real corpses, real eyeballs, real skeletons.
07:00 Stan, it's time for you—
07:02 [ With Record ] ~ to be real
07:07 What you find, ah
07:10 So my haunted house should be real.
07:11 What you feel, ah
07:14 Now you're listening.
07:15 What you know, ah
07:18 Uh-huh.
07:19 lobereal NW
07:25 Roger, you talk-sing a lot of sense.
07:27 Francine will see our haunted house can still be the scariest.
07:30 I'm gonna get real. - You do that.
07:32 I'm gonna find out who these black people are.
07:37 [[ Thinking ] Come on. Say something to impress her.
07:40 Something funny. Something Halloween-related
07:43 So that Cadbury Egg I ate made me gassy. [ Groans ]
07:46 [ Tires Squealing ] - [ Laughing ]
07:49 All right, the sun's going down.
07:51 Let's get Akiko home so we can head over to Vince Chung's bonfire in the woods.
07:56 Parents love P.F. Chang's!
07:59 You guys go ahead. I'll walk Akiko home.
08:07 Oh, my God! The ghost of Whiskers.
08:08 I'm sorry, Whiskers! I didn't know you couldn't breathe underwater!
08:15 Where are you going? My house is this way.
08:17 Yeah, I know, but we're having fun.
08:19 Plus, I thought we'd head over to Vince Chung's bonfire.
08:22 That sounds great, but Toshi said I had to be back by sunset.
08:25 He's super-protective, Steve. - Don't worry about Toshi.
08:29 What's he going to do, come after us?
08:36 [ Speaking Japanese ]
08:50 yah! Yah! [ Whistling ]
08:53 Well, I finally got into my jeans.
08:55 I'm muffin-toppin' pretty bad.
08:59 Who are they? - Serial killers.
09:02 What? - Yeah, I'm keeping it real, just like you said.
09:05 What's scarier than real, live murderers?
09:07 My God, Stan, you're a genius!
09:10 This'll be your scariest haunted house ever.
09:12 Francine will forget all about Buckle.
09:14 Usually when I see men in cages...
09:16 they're kissing each other, and I'm throwing pesos at them.
09:21 Peso! Kiss! [ Kissing Sound ]
09:23 Kiss! - [ Coins Clinking ]
09:33 I used my C.I.A. connections to borrow five...
09:36 of the most ruthless serial killers on the Eastern Seaboard.
09:39 When Francine sees I saved our haunted house...
09:41 she's gonna be totally back on board.
09:43 And then maybe tonight I'll introduce her to the thickness!
09:48 [ Loud Boom ] - I died of fright at Buckle's House of Horror!
09:53 Free ghost churros for the little ones.
09:56 [ Gasps ] Did you see those ghosts? Oh, my God!
09:59 I'm going to swing by "Target" on the way to Buckle's and pick up some Huggies.
10:05 My house is going to be way better than Buckle's.
10:07 I ain't afraid of no ghosts.
10:08 How dare you quote Ghostbusters to me?
10:11 I wrote a movie called Rump Busters...
10:13 and threw it at a guy on the bus who looked like Harold Ramis.
10:15 Two weeks later, Ghostbusters came out.
10:17 Coincidence? Absolutely.
10:21 [I Children Laughing ] - Trick or treat!
10:23 [ Doorbell Rings ] - [ Together ] Trick or treat.
10:26 Oh, my God, Steve and Akiko!
10:27 How— How do you know our names? - Toshi's looking for you two.
10:32 Oh, no. Toshi's furious. - There he is!
10:38 Come on! Let's cut through the house!
10:44 I... enjoy dolphins.
10:52 Where are we going? - Listen.
10:55 It's the Langley Falls. We can hide from Toshi there!
10:58 [ Sighs ] Next time, I'm gonna get a crush on Snot's sister.
11:01 she can only move so fast in those polio braces.
11:08 I don't Know about this costume.
11:11 I want to go as someone sexy.
11:12 Come on. Everyone does the sexy thing.
11:14 It's so played out. - What the hell are you?
11:16 I''m the Cowardly Lion. - No, you're a sexy cowardly lion.
11:20 [ Campy Voice ] Guilty as charged.
11:22 [ Normal Voice ] Now, follow me. I have a surprise for you.
11:31 I don't think you'll be going to Buckle's when you see actual serial killers.
11:36 [ Gasps ] Serial killers?
11:39 That's right. - Uh, what do they do?
11:42 It's not what they do. It's what they did.
11:44 Between them, they've killed 86 people...
11:46 and most of the hookers Drew Carey slept with.
11:49 [ Laughing ] Oh, Stan!
11:50 [ Water Rushing ] - [ Rock intro]
11:53 [ Gasps ]
11:59 Wow! This place is magical. - Yeah.
12:03 Every time I come here, I see something new.
12:05 Like a rare insect, or an older man and a younger man hooking up.
12:09 Hey, let's go swimming.
12:10 There's a cave on the other side of the falls.
12:12 They say if you swim to it with someone, you're friends forever.
12:17 Not the best swimmer.
12:19 Guess we're just leaving our candy unattended.
12:23 [Man] - I got a feeling.
12:27 That tonight's gonna be a good night,
12:30 That tonight's gonna be a good night
12:35 That tonight's gonna be a good, good night
12:38 I feel it ♪
12:41 Akiko! That was incredible!
12:43 [Echoing ] Incredible! Incredible! Farts
12:45 [ ] - That was a duck.
12:47 [Echoing ] That was a duck That was a duck
12:50 [ Chattering ] - Step right up and behold... Death Row!
12:55 More like Lame Row. Those guys aren't scary at all.
12:59 What? - Hey, let's go to Buckle's.
13:01 I hear he's got this tiny bat that flies up your urethra.
13:03 It's crazy. It feels crazy.
13:07 [ Mournful Tune ]
13:09 Guys, it's showtime. What gives?
13:11 Come on, where's the rage?
13:13 Are you tired? Is it too cold in here?
13:15 Is it the lights? Are they making that buzzing noise?
13:17 Hey, Manny.
13:18 The lights are making that buzzing noise again.
13:23 Ohh, boy.
13:29 Stan, nice try, but this is so boring.
13:32 I'm going to go to Buckle's.
13:34 Please, give it a chance!
13:36 Hello. - Roger, the plan's not working.
13:38 They're just sitting here. - Well, that's why I'm dressed like Francine.
13:41 You gotta get 'em riled up. Poke the bear a little.
13:44 Appeal to their rapey side.
13:46 Anyone want to cut my head off and have sex with my body?
13:50 You look like a fat pear.
13:51 I hate you, you fat, gray pear.
13:53 [ Gasps ] You monster! What turns you on?
13:57 Flesh-colored, non-fruit-shaped people—
13:59 like this one? - [ Gasps ]
14:01 Is this what you want? - Now, that's a head I could cut off.
14:04 Let me outta here!
14:06 [ Prisoners Grunting, Muttering ]
14:08 Honey, how come you're not peeing?
14:10 I don't know. It's like looking at a shark in an aquarium.
14:14 They're menacing, but it's not really that scary.
14:19 Great. Now I need a new Halloween costume.
14:21 Roger, I'm taking one of your outfits. - Francine, wait!
14:24 Do not use my Barbara Walters outfit.
14:27 I'm interviewing Mo'Nique next week.
14:28 I'm gonna ask her to sit on my lap!
14:32 Maybe I'll go as a slutty Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
14:35 Francine, don't go to Buckle's.
14:37 We can take turns kicking Bat Boy.
14:39 stan, you don't have to worry. I fixed everything.
14:41 [ Electrical Buzzing ]
14:43 What's going on?
14:45 I let the prisoners out. - You what?
14:47 Yeah, Francine was right.
14:48 A shark's not very intimidating behind glass...
14:51 but if you're in the ocean with it—
14:52 But, Roger, they're going to kill us all.
14:55 And chop off my head!
14:56 Scary, right?
14:58 Aw, I never think things through.
15:06 [ Man In Distance ] I'm comin' for you, Francine!
15:07 stan, call the police!
15:10 Good thinking. - [ Beeping ]
15:12 They cut the line!
15:16 Help! Serial killers are loose in here!
15:18 Call the police! - Let's check it out.
15:21 [ Chattering, Laughing ] - No, no! What are you doing?
15:24 Don't come over here! It's very dangerous!
15:26 You will die!
15:27 [ Woman ] All right! - [ Woman #2 ] I Hurry up!
15:30 [ Man ] Seriously, guys...
15:32 that homemade Tootsie Roll made me feel funny.
15:35 Morons!
15:37 Well, we're sitting ducks up here.
15:39 We gotta sneak out of the house before the killers get to us.
15:42 [ Rattling ]
15:45 Ohh, boy.
15:53 Excuse my hair— It's super-frizzy...
15:56 and the only thing about this moment I wish I could change.
15:58 [ Giggles ]
16:02 [ Shouts ] - [ Groans ]
16:04 [ Screams ]
16:06 [ Speaking Japanese ]
16:13 GoBot, activate! Form of... escape rocket!
16:18 [ Buzzing, Whirring ]
16:33 [ Water Dripping ]
16:35 Yah! - Aaah
16:39 [ Gasping ]
16:40 [ Panting ]
16:45 [ Shouting ]
16:49 [ Screaming ] - [ Shouts ]
16:56 [ Whimpering ] - Get outta here! You're gonna die!
16:58 [ Squealing, Laughing ]
17:01 [ Woman Screams ]
17:03 Why are you running?
17:05 I love you! - [ Revving ]
17:13 [ All Grunt ]
17:14 [I Laughs ] - [ All Screaming ]
17:23 Lean against the door! - [ Man Growls ] The door won't budge.
17:26 They must have the fridge against it.
17:28 [ Groans ] This is my wake-up call.
17:31 [ Chattering ] - Aaah! [ Groans ]
17:33 [ Crowd Gasps ]
17:36 [ Japanese ]
17:38 Do it! Kill me!
17:40 Because that's what you're doin' to your sister.
17:43 Look, you gotta stop being so overprotective.
17:46 she's not a little girl, Toshi. she's a young lady.
17:49 I Know you love her...
17:51 but if you don't loosen your kung fu grip, you're gonna lose her—
17:54 forever.
17:58 [ Japanese ]
18:06 Thanks for sticking up for me, Steve.
18:08 Now I can finally date without worrying about Toshi's wrath.
18:12 Which is so great, because I have such a big crush... on Doug.
18:16 Doug?
18:18 [ Clicks Tongue ]
18:20 But Doug's nine.
18:22 He's a really nice guy.
18:24 And Doug can dance.
18:26 ee [ fechno]
18:40 [Man] - I wanna rock right now
18:42 I wanna, I wanna rock right now ♪
18:44 I wanna, I wanna rock right now ♪
18:46 Now, now, rock right now,!
18:47 I wanna, I wanna rock right now ♪
18:49 I wanna, I wanna rock right now ♪
18:52 I wanna, I wanna rock right now ♪
18:56 I wanna da— I wanna dance in the lights ♪
19:00 I wanna ro— I wanna rock yo body
19:04 I wanna go, I wanna go for a ride
19:07 Hop in the music and rock yo body right
19:11 [ Distorted Voice ] ~ Rock that body
19:12 Come on, come on Rock that body.
19:14 [ Man Groaning ] - We can't hold them off forever!
19:17 I can't believe we're going to get butchered...
19:19 all because you needed to have the best haunted house.
19:21 I did all this for you, Francine.
19:23 What? Why? - To impress you.
19:26 You chose Buckle over me.
19:28 Doesn't matter whose house is scarier. You're my wife.
19:31 You're supposed to stand by my side...
19:33 lie to me, and tell me my house is better.
19:35 Oh, my God, Stan. I'm so sorry.
19:39 This is all my fault.
19:41 Yeah. It is your fault. - [ Glass Shatters ]
19:44 [ Growls ] - [ Francine Screams ]
19:48 Head for the woods! It's always safe there!
19:52 [ Francine Screams ] I]
19:54 [ Chainsaw Revving ]
19:59 [ Grunting ]
20:05 [ Chuckles ] - [I Francine Whimpers ]
20:11 [ Screams ]
20:21 [ Toshi ] Hah!
20:25 [ Chuckles ]
20:29 [ Shouts ]
20:31 [ Groans ]
20:33 [ Growling ] - [ Whimpering ]
20:38 [ Groans, Screams ]
20:55 Oh, I can't stay mad at you.
20:57 Come on. There's something I've wanted to do since I first laid eyes on you.
21:02 Get those bangs off your face.
21:04 I'm taking this home with me.
21:06 [Man] - That tonight's gonna be a good good night,
21:11 I feel it ♪
21:13 ♪ [ Vocalizing ]
21:47 Bye! Have a beautiful time.