No, I won't. People forgive you if you're likable... — ClipClopulator

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No, I won't. People forgive you if you're likable...

S07E07 The People vs. Martin Sugar

02:02 – 02:05

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Previous lineOne day you'll have to face the consequences of your actions.Next lineand I'm the most charming S.O.B. anyone's ever met.

Transcript

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00:04 Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:07 I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:10 The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:13 And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:19 Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:23 Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:28 [[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:34 [ Rings ]
00:36 Superior Court of Langley Falls, Jury Service.
00:40 Morning, Olivia. It's Stan Smith.
00:42 Oh, hi, Stan. Has it been a year already?
00:45 To the day. Did you get the self-addressed stamped envelope I sent for my jury summons?
00:49 Mm-hmm.
00:52 I'm ready to be back in the jury pool.
00:54 [ Together ] I hope the water's warm.
00:56 Let me see what we got.
00:58 I can put you on a multiple felony trial that starts tomorrow.
01:01 Olivia, you're guilty... of making my day. [ Laughs ]
01:09 All right. I'll see you tomorrow, if you have no objections.
01:11 [ Laughs ]
01:13 [I Rings ] - [ Screams ]
01:14 It's me. I had to stop that.
01:16 What is it with you and jury duty?
01:18 Jury duty is the best way for honest citizens to punish lawbreakers.
01:22 It's a waste of time. Like getting an H.I.V. test.
01:25 Roll the dice, scaredy-cats!
01:27 Hey, I happen to know at least 20 of your personas have Social Security numbers.
01:31 You must get called in for jury duty.
01:32 I do. Want to see what I do with the letters they send me?
01:36 The jury letters are just the top layer.
01:38 Underneath are my parking tickets and alimony statements.
01:41 All those bitches can starve.
01:42 You just do whatever you want, don't you? - Pretty much, bro.
01:46 I do what I want when I want. Exhibit A.
01:48 [ Tarts ]
01:50 I see you're admiring my special Austrian toilet.
01:53 Very powerful suction.
01:55 I like to clean my crack with your undershirts, so I need a crapper that can suck 'em down.
01:59 One day you'll have to face the consequences of your actions.
02:02 No, I won't. People forgive you if you're likable...
02:05 and I'm the most charming S.O.B. anyone's ever met.
02:08 Face it, I'm Ferris Bueller and you're my jealous, big-nosed, sour-faced sister, Jeanie.
02:13 I am not Jeanie. - Sure, you are. Now watch this.
02:15 [ Flushes ]
02:17 [ Sucking ]
02:19 Look at that. Took my nipple clamps too.
02:22 Had those twisted on pretty tight.
02:26 It's gonna be so much fun having you two living in the house.
02:29 And I want to formally welcome Jeff to our home.
02:32 [ Chuckles ] Thanks, Mrs. S.
02:35 House rules?
02:37 Unfortunately, there's a stern side to the welcome basket.
02:40 "No smoking pot? - Mom, Jeff needs it. He's got a prescription.
02:45 He has a compulsive disorder that could get really bad if he goes off his medication.
02:48 Oh, shut up, Hayley. That's not true.
02:51 Look, it's not even my rule. It's your dad's.
02:54 You think I wouldn't like to spark up a doober every now and again?
02:58 Just take a nice, slow, extra careful drive.
03:02 But, Mom— - It's okay, Hayley. I can handle it.
03:06 I mean, weed's the thing I care about the most, but maybe that should be you.
03:10 Ohh. - Thanks, Jeff.
03:13 Man! You got me thinking about weed now.
03:17 That stuff makes me want to drink so much soda.
03:20 I smoke a bone, then I drain a two-liter of Sunkist in like a second.
03:25 Freaks people out.
03:28 [ Slurping ]
03:33 [ Kiss ] - What time is it?
03:36 It's 6:00 a.m. I'm checking into a motel, then reporting to jury duty.
03:40 You don't always have to sequester yourself, you know.
03:43 Yes, I do, Francine. I need to be in a media blackout so I don't compromise the trial.
03:48 Now, while I'm gone, I need you to manage my fantasy basketball team.
03:51 Can I make any trades? - No. Just set the lineup.
03:54 Stan, you need a power forward. - I have Dirk Nowitzki.
03:57 He's soft, Stan. You need a thug. You need Ron Artest.
04:01 I don't want Ron Artest. You know what? Forget it. I'll have Steve set my lineup.
04:06 Fine. Let that nerd set your lineup. Watch you lose.
04:14 [ Phone Ringing In Distance ]
04:18 You, uh, want the metro section? - Thanks.
04:21 You trying to expose me to the news? Force a mistrial? Who do you work for?
04:25 Young Man's Fancy! - What?
04:26 It's a formal wear boutique for style-conscious preteens.
04:30 I'm sorry. [ Grunts ]
04:33 Before your jury service begins, please watch this short video.
04:37 [ Fanfare ]
04:39 Hi. I'm Judd Nelson, star of the 1987 courtroom comedy From The Hip.
04:44 Maybe you remember the scene where I did Jell-O shots off of Elizabeth Perkins's tight buns.
04:49 Oh, wait. That happened in real life.
04:52 Anyway, every American's got the right to a trial by a jury of his peers.
04:57 [ Mouthing Words ] - The first step to any trial is jury selection.
05:01 It's a lot like an acting audition.
05:03 I used to hate them. but now I'd kill for one.
05:06 I mean, just murder someone.
05:11 Sir, is there any reason you couldn't serve on this jury?
05:15 I'd love to. I just don't have regular child care.
05:18 The prosecution dismisses Juror Four.
05:21 Hang on a second.
05:23 [ Balloons Pop ] - Liar!
05:24 What if that had been a real baby? - Sometimes it is.
05:30 Congratulations to you all for being selected as the jury in this case.
05:34 Have you selected a foreman?
05:36 I would like to nominate myself as jury foreman.
05:38 Your Honor, I love the law, and I love justice.
05:42 And I will do anything, even die, to preserve them.
05:47 How many of you can read?
05:50 Eh— no.
05:54 Okay, you're foreman.
05:56 [ Gasps ]
06:00 Oh, I hope it's still in the toilet.
06:02 I don't Know who left it, but it is crazy big.
06:05 It's sticking out of the water like a shipwreck!
06:08 [ Screams ]
06:10 Jeff - What the hell, man?
06:13 I thought everyone was out!
06:15 You have got to lock the freaking door, dude. - I'm sorry.
06:18 But when I'm not smoking pot, I suffer from H.L.S.— Hyperactive Libido Syndrome.
06:23 When it hits, I gotta get busy right away.
06:26 If you're going to do that in this house...
06:28 You'll do it where everyone else in this family does it— in Steve's bed.
06:32 [ Steve ] What?
06:33 Today, we will be hearing the case of The People versus Martin Sugar.
06:39 Mr. Sugar is accused of manufacturing and distributing...
06:42 millions of dollars worth of counterfeit handbags.
06:45 Please bring in the defendant.
06:47 Justice time.
07:03 [ Whispering ] Hi.
07:05 It's me, Roger.
07:07 Stan. Stan.
07:09 Just look over here, just for a sec. Stan.
07:20 Throughout this trial, we will present evidence against the defendant...
07:25 showing how truly despicable his crimes were.
07:29 In addition to the counterfeiting...
07:31 he subjected illegal workers to inhumane work conditions.
07:35 This man is a threat to society.
07:38 He is a menace, and he must pay for his crimes.
07:41 I will prove beyond a reasonable doubt...
07:44 that Martin Sugar deserves to be behind bars.
07:55 [ Whistle Whistles ] -,* [I've been really tryin' baby,'
07:59 [ Whistle Continues ] -,* tryin' to hold back this feelin' for so long
08:05 Would the defense like to make an opening statement?
08:08 I'll be speaking on behalf of my attorney, Your Honor.
08:11 This is Bert Faber, and he's been my lawyer for 20 years.
08:15 Recently, Bert survived a lengthy battle with throat cancer...
08:18 and it claimed his voice box.
08:19 But I won't fire him. He's family, and you don't abandon your family!
08:23 Did you hear that? - What a stand-up guy.
08:26 So, I am definitely not on trial here?
08:30 Does anyone have a lozenge? Bert's throat gets so dry these days.
08:34 I knew you'd have one. You're clearly a mother. You have kind eyes.
08:38 Ohh. - Yes.
08:46 [ Sputters ] - [ Giggles ]
08:47 [ Sputters ] - [ Giggles ]
08:51 [ Gasps ] - [ Screams ]
08:54 Oh, Jeff, come on! We keep the food in there!
08:58 sorry. I was just getting a snack.
09:00 Then I noticed the maple syrup lady looks like Ashanti...
09:03 and I told you, I can't control myself.
09:06 Frannie, can you grab me the saltines— Oh, dude!
09:09 Oh, you are killing me! Ohh!
09:12 Frannie, the canned goods are probably all right, but I'd toss everything else.
09:18 The prosecution would now like to call Mr. Sugar to the stand.
09:23 Guess who's the luckiest guy in the courtroom.
09:26 Bert, 'cause he gets to watch my big round ass as I walk to the stand.
09:30 [ All Laughing ]
09:35 Mr. Sugar, how do you explain...
09:37 this photo of you with illegal employees and counterfeit merchandise?
09:43 [ Jurors Gasp ] - You know what's not counterfeit in that photo? My emotions.
09:47 [ Together ] Aw.
09:48 Okay. I don't know what that means.
09:51 But here you are accepting a cash payment for the fake handbags.
09:55 Do you admit that this is you?
09:58 I will, if you admit this is you.
10:02 Well, uh, h-how did you—
10:04 Look how happy you are.
10:06 Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, don't they make a great couple?
10:09 [ Guitar ] - [ Clapping ]
10:13 God, she looked good before the baby.
10:17 [ Growls ]
10:18 Mr. Sugar made us work very hard.
10:20 When we weren't sewing handbags, he made us sleep on the floor.
10:24 [ Murmuring ]
10:26 Inez, thank you.
10:30 Inez, does the date September 19 mean anything to you?
10:34 Es mi cumpleaños. - In English, please.
10:36 It is my birthday. - Can you tell me what this is, Inez?
10:41 It is the bear you gave me for my birthday.
10:43 [ Together ] Aw.
10:45 So if I was the monster the prosecution is trying to portray me as...
10:49 would I have given you such a wonderful birthday present?
10:52 No. - In English, please.
10:55 Martin Sugar rests, y'all.
10:58 [ All Laughing ]
11:01 Oh! Whoo, boy! Watch out! - [ All Laughing ]
11:04 Oh, yeah!
11:08 Look, I'm jury foreman, and no one leaves here until we come to a unanimous decision.
11:13 We're unanimous. You're the only douche bag who thinks he's guilty.
11:16 Didn't you people see all the evidence?
11:18 He makes pregnant women on the assembly line give birth and then get right back to work.
11:23 That's why he built the Martin Sugar Day Care Center.
11:25 It's an overturned refrigerator filled with kitty litter!
11:28 Look, we just like him. Let's let him go.
11:31 No If he committed these crimes, then he has to pay the price!
11:34 I don't know. I think about all the people he ripped off...
11:37 but then I think about how funny and handsome he is, and I just want to sit on his face.
11:42 I think we need to take another look at the evidence.
11:45 [ All Groan ]
11:47 [ Beeps ]
11:49 Hey. It's me. I'm gonna be late.
11:52 Can you Tivo Ass Rangers 4 for me?
11:55 Thanks, hon. Now put Mommy on the phone.
11:58 Has the jury reached a verdict?
12:01 Yes, Your Honor.
12:08 Oh! Oh, Martin Sugar, you have been found guilty on all counts.
12:14 [ All Gasp ] -[ Crying ]
12:16 He wasn't gonna let us go home! - I'll visit you in prison!
12:19 You are sentenced to 10 years in maximum security prison. [ Sobbing ]
12:24 [ All Crying ] - I can't believe he got me.
12:26 Breakin' rocks in the hot sun,
12:29 I fought the law, and the law won
12:32 Stop, Stan! You know I love that song...
12:34 and I'm not in the mood to do a whole— Ah, screw it.
12:36 [ Together ] ~ I needed money 'cause I had none
12:39 I fought the law, and the law won
12:42 I fought the law, and the law won
12:45 [ Clicks ] - Nice try, guys.
12:47 But I always keep a handcuff key up my bum.
12:49 [ Groans ] Ta-da!
12:52 [ Electricity Crackles ] - [ Screams ]
12:58 How could you do this to me, Stan?
13:00 Sorry, Roger. I just had to take a bite out of crime.
13:03 You know who said that? McGruff the Crime Dog...
13:06 my number four favorite fictitious dog of all time.
13:09 Let's run through the whole Top 10.
13:10 Number 10: Benji.
13:12 Nine: Air Bud.
13:14 Eight: Spike, Snoopy's ne'er-do-well desert-dwelling brother.
13:17 [ Switchblade Clicks ]
13:19 Seven: Eddie from Frasier.
13:20 Six: Original party animal Spuds MacKenzie.
13:24 Five: Hooch, of turner and' Hooch fame.
13:26 Four: Already told ya. Try to keep up.
13:28 Three: Old Yeller.
13:30 [ Growls, Barks ]
13:33 [ Gunshot ]
13:34 Two: Lassie.
13:35 And the number one dog on my fictitious dog list is: Brian Griffin.
13:40 Uh, do I know you?
13:42 Stop pretending I don't exist!
13:47 What'd you do? - I killed my mother.
13:50 Really? Matricide? That's disrespectful.
13:53 Although if you inherited that pizza face from her, I get it.
13:56 [ Chuckles ]
13:58 [ Gasps ] - [ Tires Squealing ]
14:02 Excuse me, driver. Could I be shackled to someone with a softer offense?
14:05 Maybe someone guilty of a Jew-on-Jew financial crime?
14:08 [ All Laughing ] - [ Tires Squealing ]
14:12 Anyone guilty of a Napster-level crime?
14:14 I'll even take a mother-killer without Edward James Olmos cheeks.
14:17 [ All Laughing ]
14:20 [ Man ] We're falling.
14:21 [ Groaning In Slow Motion ]
14:26 [ Siren Blaring In Distance ]
14:27 [ Siren Blaring ] - [ Vehicle Approaching ]
14:31 [ Gun Cocks ]
14:33 Uh! Uh! - [ Groaning ]
14:36 [ Tires Squealing ]
14:39 [ Chuckles ] Edward James Olmos cheeks.
14:43 [ Laughing ]
14:49 [ Roger Screaming ]
14:52 [ Siren Blaring ] - [ Vehicle Approaching ]
14:56 [ Gun Cocks ]
14:57 Uh! Uh! - [ Groaning ]
15:03 [ Grunts ]
15:04 [ Groans ]
15:10 Hayley, I think we need to have a little mother-daughter talk. - Okay.
15:14 Your husband's condition is way out of control.
15:18 Bottom line: You need to start satisfying him more, sweetie.
15:21 But, Mom, I satisfy him all the time.
15:24 Well, then you've got to do it better.
15:26 Get creative, Hayley. Use your pinkie.
15:29 I'm using my pinkie, Mom.
15:31 But are you getting up in there?
15:33 Yes, I'm getting up in there!
15:34 Are you getting way up in there? I don't think so!
15:40 Get... up... in... there.
15:46 [ Crickets Chirping ]
15:47 -[Tv: Gunfire ] - Stan, how was the trial?
15:50 Justice prevailed, as per "yooj."
15:53 Oh, big news. You'll never guess who the defendant was.
15:55 But first, where's Steve? Want to see how my fantasy basketball team's doing.
15:59 Well, he understood the fantasy part but had no idea what basketball was.
16:04 He tried to add three griffins and an orc to your roster.
16:08 Fuckin' nerd. - [ Newscaster On TV ] Breaking news.
16:10 A bus bound for the Virginia Correctional Facility has crashed
16:13 One prisoner has escaped
16:15 What? That son of a bitch!
16:17 Wait, Roger was the guy on trial? How could you convict him?
16:21 Because he's guilty. Now he's gonna get away.
16:24 You know what? No.
16:26 I'm gonna bring him in myself.
16:29 [ Door Closes ] - What did Daddy think of my trades?
16:31 You hurt your family with what you did, Steve.
16:34 You made us weaker as a unit.
16:37 [[ Radio Chatter, indistinct ]
16:39 This is the seventh bus you've crashed, Kevin.
16:42 You're gonna have to learn how to laugh on the inside, brother.
16:45 I'll take it from here. - Who are you?
16:48 Stan Smith. I'm a marshal too.
16:51 Look, there's only one man that's gonna bring this guy in, and that's me.
16:55 But if you really want to help...
16:57 you can take this rock and get it out of my way.
17:01 Think you can handle that, dumb-ass?
17:03 Now leave me alone, so I can study this footprint.
17:07 [ Grunts ] - [ Groans ]
17:16 [ Shutter Clicks ]
17:17 Text from Stan here.
17:19 Better not be him with some unconscious fool.
17:21 Oh, damn That fool got knocked the hell out!
17:25 Let me see.
17:27 Oh, I wish you hadn't shown me that.
17:29 [ Traffic Noise ]
17:31 Sang-Mi, give me hot pink on my fingers and pink mist on my toes.
17:42 [ Dialing ] - [ Line Rings ]
17:45 Hello? - You got real close to taking me down, Stan.
17:48 But it's never gonna happen. You can't catch Ferris Bueller, Jeanie.
17:51 Roger, I don't care if I have to search to the ends of the earth.
17:54 [ Beeps ] - Hold on, I should get this.
17:56 Sang-Mi's Nail Salon. Now at their new location, 124 Grand Street.
17:59 How may I help you? - It's still me.
18:01 [ Screams ] Gotta get out of town.
18:03 But first, I gotta change my disguise.
18:08 [ Water Running ]
18:17 [ Sniffing ] - [ Chattering ]
18:19 [ Chattering Stops ]
18:26 Take me to him, boy! - [ Sniffs ]
18:28 [ Barks ]
18:45 Jeff! [ Screams ]
18:48 Thanks for letting me go back on my medication, Mrs. S.
18:52 Better than the alternative.
18:55 [ Gulping ]
19:02 [ Belches ]
19:12 [ Growls, Barks ]
19:16 [ Licks ]
19:31 [ Grunting ] Why are you destroying my birthday bear?
19:34 I need to get out of the country!
19:36 There was money in the bear.
19:38 Idios mo! Money in the bear.
19:41 [ Crashing ] - [ Gun Cocks ]
19:43 Okay, okay. Stan, you got me.
19:45 But why was catching me so important?
19:48 Because following the rules is hard work.
19:50 And if I follow them, you should have to follow them too.
19:53 You're going to prison, Roger.
19:55 No! [I'll do anything. I'll follow the rules.
19:57 Look, I'll even report for jury duty.
19:59 [ Beeping ]
20:00 Yes, this is, um, Dr. Lawrence Feldman.
20:03 I want to report for jury duty. 8:00 in the morning?
20:06 Is that like a hard 8:00, or can I roll in around noon?
20:09 [ Sighs ] Fine.
20:10 Well, you win. Ferris Bueller is dead.
20:14 I guess eventually we all have to move on.
20:17 I have to make biloxi Blues, then Godzilla,
20:19 then continue to comb my hair boyishly to the side...
20:22 even though I'm well into my 50s and nearly bald.
20:24 [ Sirens Blaring In Distance ] - [I Tires Screeching ]
20:27 Oh, come on Can't you just let me go?
20:29 Sorry, Roger. Justice has finally caught up with you.
20:32 [ Handcuffs Clicking ] - Yep, that's him.
20:34 No! No, I'm the good guy! He's the bad guy! [ Groans ]
20:39 Who are you? - I'm Bob Danolou.
20:41 I make gluten-free desserts.
20:44 Not gonna lie. We're struggling at the moment.
20:54 Stan. Hi
20:56 Oh, my God, he is so guilty. You're voting guilty, right?
20:59 You can't know he's guilty yet. - Everyone's guilty of something.
21:02 You're guilty of having incredibly kissable lips.
21:05 Oh, they're plump and sweet like ripe cherries.
21:08 I'll vote guilty if you want me to. - Of course you will.
21:46 Bye! Have a beautiful time.