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But I always keep a handcuff key up my bum.
S07E07 The People vs. Martin Sugar
12:47 – 12:49
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00:04
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:10
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:13
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:19
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:23
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:28
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:34
[ Rings ]
00:36
Superior Court of Langley Falls, Jury Service.
00:40
Morning, Olivia. It's Stan Smith.
00:42
Oh, hi, Stan. Has it been a year already?
00:45
To the day. Did you get the self-addressed stamped envelope I sent for my jury summons?
00:49
Mm-hmm.
00:52
I'm ready to be back in the jury pool.
00:54
[ Together ] I hope the water's warm.
00:56
Let me see what we got.
00:58
I can put you on a multiple felony trial that starts tomorrow.
01:01
Olivia, you're guilty... of making my day. [ Laughs ]
01:09
All right. I'll see you tomorrow, if you have no objections.
01:11
[ Laughs ]
01:13
[I Rings ] - [ Screams ]
01:14
It's me. I had to stop that.
01:16
What is it with you and jury duty?
01:18
Jury duty is the best way for honest citizens to punish lawbreakers.
01:22
It's a waste of time. Like getting an H.I.V. test.
01:25
Roll the dice, scaredy-cats!
01:27
Hey, I happen to know at least 20 of your personas have Social Security numbers.
01:31
You must get called in for jury duty.
01:32
I do. Want to see what I do with the letters they send me?
01:36
The jury letters are just the top layer.
01:38
Underneath are my parking tickets and alimony statements.
01:41
All those bitches can starve.
01:42
You just do whatever you want, don't you? - Pretty much, bro.
01:46
I do what I want when I want. Exhibit A.
01:48
[ Tarts ]
01:50
I see you're admiring my special Austrian toilet.
01:53
Very powerful suction.
01:55
I like to clean my crack with your undershirts, so I need a crapper that can suck 'em down.
01:59
One day you'll have to face the consequences of your actions.
02:02
No, I won't. People forgive you if you're likable...
02:05
and I'm the most charming S.O.B. anyone's ever met.
02:08
Face it, I'm Ferris Bueller and you're my jealous, big-nosed, sour-faced sister, Jeanie.
02:13
I am not Jeanie. - Sure, you are. Now watch this.
02:15
[ Flushes ]
02:17
[ Sucking ]
02:19
Look at that. Took my nipple clamps too.
02:22
Had those twisted on pretty tight.
02:26
It's gonna be so much fun having you two living in the house.
02:29
And I want to formally welcome Jeff to our home.
02:32
[ Chuckles ] Thanks, Mrs. S.
02:35
House rules?
02:37
Unfortunately, there's a stern side to the welcome basket.
02:40
"No smoking pot? - Mom, Jeff needs it. He's got a prescription.
02:45
He has a compulsive disorder that could get really bad if he goes off his medication.
02:48
Oh, shut up, Hayley. That's not true.
02:51
Look, it's not even my rule. It's your dad's.
02:54
You think I wouldn't like to spark up a doober every now and again?
02:58
Just take a nice, slow, extra careful drive.
03:02
But, Mom— - It's okay, Hayley. I can handle it.
03:06
I mean, weed's the thing I care about the most, but maybe that should be you.
03:10
Ohh. - Thanks, Jeff.
03:13
Man! You got me thinking about weed now.
03:17
That stuff makes me want to drink so much soda.
03:20
I smoke a bone, then I drain a two-liter of Sunkist in like a second.
03:25
Freaks people out.
03:28
[ Slurping ]
03:33
[ Kiss ] - What time is it?
03:36
It's 6:00 a.m. I'm checking into a motel, then reporting to jury duty.
03:40
You don't always have to sequester yourself, you know.
03:43
Yes, I do, Francine. I need to be in a media blackout so I don't compromise the trial.
03:48
Now, while I'm gone, I need you to manage my fantasy basketball team.
03:51
Can I make any trades? - No. Just set the lineup.
03:54
Stan, you need a power forward. - I have Dirk Nowitzki.
03:57
He's soft, Stan. You need a thug. You need Ron Artest.
04:01
I don't want Ron Artest. You know what? Forget it. I'll have Steve set my lineup.
04:06
Fine. Let that nerd set your lineup. Watch you lose.
04:14
[ Phone Ringing In Distance ]
04:18
You, uh, want the metro section? - Thanks.
04:21
You trying to expose me to the news? Force a mistrial? Who do you work for?
04:25
Young Man's Fancy! - What?
04:26
It's a formal wear boutique for style-conscious preteens.
04:30
I'm sorry. [ Grunts ]
04:33
Before your jury service begins, please watch this short video.
04:37
[ Fanfare ]
04:39
Hi. I'm Judd Nelson, star of the 1987 courtroom comedy From The Hip.
04:44
Maybe you remember the scene where I did Jell-O shots off of Elizabeth Perkins's tight buns.
04:49
Oh, wait. That happened in real life.
04:52
Anyway, every American's got the right to a trial by a jury of his peers.
04:57
[ Mouthing Words ] - The first step to any trial is jury selection.
05:01
It's a lot like an acting audition.
05:03
I used to hate them. but now I'd kill for one.
05:06
I mean, just murder someone.
05:11
Sir, is there any reason you couldn't serve on this jury?
05:15
I'd love to. I just don't have regular child care.
05:18
The prosecution dismisses Juror Four.
05:21
Hang on a second.
05:23
[ Balloons Pop ] - Liar!
05:24
What if that had been a real baby? - Sometimes it is.
05:30
Congratulations to you all for being selected as the jury in this case.
05:34
Have you selected a foreman?
05:36
I would like to nominate myself as jury foreman.
05:38
Your Honor, I love the law, and I love justice.
05:42
And I will do anything, even die, to preserve them.
05:47
How many of you can read?
05:50
Eh— no.
05:54
Okay, you're foreman.
05:56
[ Gasps ]
06:00
Oh, I hope it's still in the toilet.
06:02
I don't Know who left it, but it is crazy big.
06:05
It's sticking out of the water like a shipwreck!
06:08
[ Screams ]
06:10
Jeff - What the hell, man?
06:13
I thought everyone was out!
06:15
You have got to lock the freaking door, dude. - I'm sorry.
06:18
But when I'm not smoking pot, I suffer from H.L.S.— Hyperactive Libido Syndrome.
06:23
When it hits, I gotta get busy right away.
06:26
If you're going to do that in this house...
06:28
You'll do it where everyone else in this family does it— in Steve's bed.
06:32
[ Steve ] What?
06:33
Today, we will be hearing the case of The People versus Martin Sugar.
06:39
Mr. Sugar is accused of manufacturing and distributing...
06:42
millions of dollars worth of counterfeit handbags.
06:45
Please bring in the defendant.
06:47
Justice time.
07:03
[ Whispering ] Hi.
07:05
It's me, Roger.
07:07
Stan. Stan.
07:09
Just look over here, just for a sec. Stan.
07:20
Throughout this trial, we will present evidence against the defendant...
07:25
showing how truly despicable his crimes were.
07:29
In addition to the counterfeiting...
07:31
he subjected illegal workers to inhumane work conditions.
07:35
This man is a threat to society.
07:38
He is a menace, and he must pay for his crimes.
07:41
I will prove beyond a reasonable doubt...
07:44
that Martin Sugar deserves to be behind bars.
07:55
[ Whistle Whistles ] -,* [I've been really tryin' baby,'
07:59
[ Whistle Continues ] -,* tryin' to hold back this feelin' for so long
08:05
Would the defense like to make an opening statement?
08:08
I'll be speaking on behalf of my attorney, Your Honor.
08:11
This is Bert Faber, and he's been my lawyer for 20 years.
08:15
Recently, Bert survived a lengthy battle with throat cancer...
08:18
and it claimed his voice box.
08:19
But I won't fire him. He's family, and you don't abandon your family!
08:23
Did you hear that? - What a stand-up guy.
08:26
So, I am definitely not on trial here?
08:30
Does anyone have a lozenge? Bert's throat gets so dry these days.
08:34
I knew you'd have one. You're clearly a mother. You have kind eyes.
08:38
Ohh. - Yes.
08:46
[ Sputters ] - [ Giggles ]
08:47
[ Sputters ] - [ Giggles ]
08:51
[ Gasps ] - [ Screams ]
08:54
Oh, Jeff, come on! We keep the food in there!
08:58
sorry. I was just getting a snack.
09:00
Then I noticed the maple syrup lady looks like Ashanti...
09:03
and I told you, I can't control myself.
09:06
Frannie, can you grab me the saltines— Oh, dude!
09:09
Oh, you are killing me! Ohh!
09:12
Frannie, the canned goods are probably all right, but I'd toss everything else.
09:18
The prosecution would now like to call Mr. Sugar to the stand.
09:23
Guess who's the luckiest guy in the courtroom.
09:26
Bert, 'cause he gets to watch my big round ass as I walk to the stand.
09:30
[ All Laughing ]
09:35
Mr. Sugar, how do you explain...
09:37
this photo of you with illegal employees and counterfeit merchandise?
09:43
[ Jurors Gasp ] - You know what's not counterfeit in that photo? My emotions.
09:47
[ Together ] Aw.
09:48
Okay. I don't know what that means.
09:51
But here you are accepting a cash payment for the fake handbags.
09:55
Do you admit that this is you?
09:58
I will, if you admit this is you.
10:02
Well, uh, h-how did you—
10:04
Look how happy you are.
10:06
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, don't they make a great couple?
10:09
[ Guitar ] - [ Clapping ]
10:13
God, she looked good before the baby.
10:17
[ Growls ]
10:18
Mr. Sugar made us work very hard.
10:20
When we weren't sewing handbags, he made us sleep on the floor.
10:24
[ Murmuring ]
10:26
Inez, thank you.
10:30
Inez, does the date September 19 mean anything to you?
10:34
Es mi cumpleaños. - In English, please.
10:36
It is my birthday. - Can you tell me what this is, Inez?
10:41
It is the bear you gave me for my birthday.
10:43
[ Together ] Aw.
10:45
So if I was the monster the prosecution is trying to portray me as...
10:49
would I have given you such a wonderful birthday present?
10:52
No. - In English, please.
10:55
Martin Sugar rests, y'all.
10:58
[ All Laughing ]
11:01
Oh! Whoo, boy! Watch out! - [ All Laughing ]
11:04
Oh, yeah!
11:08
Look, I'm jury foreman, and no one leaves here until we come to a unanimous decision.
11:13
We're unanimous. You're the only douche bag who thinks he's guilty.
11:16
Didn't you people see all the evidence?
11:18
He makes pregnant women on the assembly line give birth and then get right back to work.
11:23
That's why he built the Martin Sugar Day Care Center.
11:25
It's an overturned refrigerator filled with kitty litter!
11:28
Look, we just like him. Let's let him go.
11:31
No If he committed these crimes, then he has to pay the price!
11:34
I don't know. I think about all the people he ripped off...
11:37
but then I think about how funny and handsome he is, and I just want to sit on his face.
11:42
I think we need to take another look at the evidence.
11:45
[ All Groan ]
11:47
[ Beeps ]
11:49
Hey. It's me. I'm gonna be late.
11:52
Can you Tivo Ass Rangers 4 for me?
11:55
Thanks, hon. Now put Mommy on the phone.
11:58
Has the jury reached a verdict?
12:01
Yes, Your Honor.
12:08
Oh! Oh, Martin Sugar, you have been found guilty on all counts.
12:14
[ All Gasp ] -[ Crying ]
12:16
He wasn't gonna let us go home! - I'll visit you in prison!
12:19
You are sentenced to 10 years in maximum security prison. [ Sobbing ]
12:24
[ All Crying ] - I can't believe he got me.
12:26
Breakin' rocks in the hot sun,
12:29
I fought the law, and the law won
12:32
Stop, Stan! You know I love that song...
12:34
and I'm not in the mood to do a whole— Ah, screw it.
12:36
[ Together ] ~ I needed money 'cause I had none
12:39
I fought the law, and the law won
12:42
I fought the law, and the law won
12:45
[ Clicks ] - Nice try, guys.
12:47
But I always keep a handcuff key up my bum.
12:49
[ Groans ] Ta-da!
12:52
[ Electricity Crackles ] - [ Screams ]
12:58
How could you do this to me, Stan?
13:00
Sorry, Roger. I just had to take a bite out of crime.
13:03
You know who said that? McGruff the Crime Dog...
13:06
my number four favorite fictitious dog of all time.
13:09
Let's run through the whole Top 10.
13:10
Number 10: Benji.
13:12
Nine: Air Bud.
13:14
Eight: Spike, Snoopy's ne'er-do-well desert-dwelling brother.
13:17
[ Switchblade Clicks ]
13:19
Seven: Eddie from Frasier.
13:20
Six: Original party animal Spuds MacKenzie.
13:24
Five: Hooch, of turner and' Hooch fame.
13:26
Four: Already told ya. Try to keep up.
13:28
Three: Old Yeller.
13:30
[ Growls, Barks ]
13:33
[ Gunshot ]
13:34
Two: Lassie.
13:35
And the number one dog on my fictitious dog list is: Brian Griffin.
13:40
Uh, do I know you?
13:42
Stop pretending I don't exist!
13:47
What'd you do? - I killed my mother.
13:50
Really? Matricide? That's disrespectful.
13:53
Although if you inherited that pizza face from her, I get it.
13:56
[ Chuckles ]
13:58
[ Gasps ] - [ Tires Squealing ]
14:02
Excuse me, driver. Could I be shackled to someone with a softer offense?
14:05
Maybe someone guilty of a Jew-on-Jew financial crime?
14:08
[ All Laughing ] - [ Tires Squealing ]
14:12
Anyone guilty of a Napster-level crime?
14:14
I'll even take a mother-killer without Edward James Olmos cheeks.
14:17
[ All Laughing ]
14:20
[ Man ] We're falling.
14:21
[ Groaning In Slow Motion ]
14:26
[ Siren Blaring In Distance ]
14:27
[ Siren Blaring ] - [ Vehicle Approaching ]
14:31
[ Gun Cocks ]
14:33
Uh! Uh! - [ Groaning ]
14:36
[ Tires Squealing ]
14:39
[ Chuckles ] Edward James Olmos cheeks.
14:43
[ Laughing ]
14:49
[ Roger Screaming ]
14:52
[ Siren Blaring ] - [ Vehicle Approaching ]
14:56
[ Gun Cocks ]
14:57
Uh! Uh! - [ Groaning ]
15:03
[ Grunts ]
15:04
[ Groans ]
15:10
Hayley, I think we need to have a little mother-daughter talk. - Okay.
15:14
Your husband's condition is way out of control.
15:18
Bottom line: You need to start satisfying him more, sweetie.
15:21
But, Mom, I satisfy him all the time.
15:24
Well, then you've got to do it better.
15:26
Get creative, Hayley. Use your pinkie.
15:29
I'm using my pinkie, Mom.
15:31
But are you getting up in there?
15:33
Yes, I'm getting up in there!
15:34
Are you getting way up in there? I don't think so!
15:40
Get... up... in... there.
15:46
[ Crickets Chirping ]
15:47
-[Tv: Gunfire ] - Stan, how was the trial?
15:50
Justice prevailed, as per "yooj."
15:53
Oh, big news. You'll never guess who the defendant was.
15:55
But first, where's Steve? Want to see how my fantasy basketball team's doing.
15:59
Well, he understood the fantasy part but had no idea what basketball was.
16:04
He tried to add three griffins and an orc to your roster.
16:08
Fuckin' nerd. - [ Newscaster On TV ] Breaking news.
16:10
A bus bound for the Virginia Correctional Facility has crashed
16:13
One prisoner has escaped
16:15
What? That son of a bitch!
16:17
Wait, Roger was the guy on trial? How could you convict him?
16:21
Because he's guilty. Now he's gonna get away.
16:24
You know what? No.
16:26
I'm gonna bring him in myself.
16:29
[ Door Closes ] - What did Daddy think of my trades?
16:31
You hurt your family with what you did, Steve.
16:34
You made us weaker as a unit.
16:37
[[ Radio Chatter, indistinct ]
16:39
This is the seventh bus you've crashed, Kevin.
16:42
You're gonna have to learn how to laugh on the inside, brother.
16:45
I'll take it from here. - Who are you?
16:48
Stan Smith. I'm a marshal too.
16:51
Look, there's only one man that's gonna bring this guy in, and that's me.
16:55
But if you really want to help...
16:57
you can take this rock and get it out of my way.
17:01
Think you can handle that, dumb-ass?
17:03
Now leave me alone, so I can study this footprint.
17:07
[ Grunts ] - [ Groans ]
17:16
[ Shutter Clicks ]
17:17
Text from Stan here.
17:19
Better not be him with some unconscious fool.
17:21
Oh, damn That fool got knocked the hell out!
17:25
Let me see.
17:27
Oh, I wish you hadn't shown me that.
17:29
[ Traffic Noise ]
17:31
Sang-Mi, give me hot pink on my fingers and pink mist on my toes.
17:42
[ Dialing ] - [ Line Rings ]
17:45
Hello? - You got real close to taking me down, Stan.
17:48
But it's never gonna happen. You can't catch Ferris Bueller, Jeanie.
17:51
Roger, I don't care if I have to search to the ends of the earth.
17:54
[ Beeps ] - Hold on, I should get this.
17:56
Sang-Mi's Nail Salon. Now at their new location, 124 Grand Street.
17:59
How may I help you? - It's still me.
18:01
[ Screams ] Gotta get out of town.
18:03
But first, I gotta change my disguise.
18:08
[ Water Running ]
18:17
[ Sniffing ] - [ Chattering ]
18:19
[ Chattering Stops ]
18:26
Take me to him, boy! - [ Sniffs ]
18:28
[ Barks ]
18:45
Jeff! [ Screams ]
18:48
Thanks for letting me go back on my medication, Mrs. S.
18:52
Better than the alternative.
18:55
[ Gulping ]
19:02
[ Belches ]
19:12
[ Growls, Barks ]
19:16
[ Licks ]
19:31
[ Grunting ] Why are you destroying my birthday bear?
19:34
I need to get out of the country!
19:36
There was money in the bear.
19:38
Idios mo! Money in the bear.
19:41
[ Crashing ] - [ Gun Cocks ]
19:43
Okay, okay. Stan, you got me.
19:45
But why was catching me so important?
19:48
Because following the rules is hard work.
19:50
And if I follow them, you should have to follow them too.
19:53
You're going to prison, Roger.
19:55
No! [I'll do anything. I'll follow the rules.
19:57
Look, I'll even report for jury duty.
19:59
[ Beeping ]
20:00
Yes, this is, um, Dr. Lawrence Feldman.
20:03
I want to report for jury duty. 8:00 in the morning?
20:06
Is that like a hard 8:00, or can I roll in around noon?
20:09
[ Sighs ] Fine.
20:10
Well, you win. Ferris Bueller is dead.
20:14
I guess eventually we all have to move on.
20:17
I have to make biloxi Blues, then Godzilla,
20:19
then continue to comb my hair boyishly to the side...
20:22
even though I'm well into my 50s and nearly bald.
20:24
[ Sirens Blaring In Distance ] - [I Tires Screeching ]
20:27
Oh, come on Can't you just let me go?
20:29
Sorry, Roger. Justice has finally caught up with you.
20:32
[ Handcuffs Clicking ] - Yep, that's him.
20:34
No! No, I'm the good guy! He's the bad guy! [ Groans ]
20:39
Who are you? - I'm Bob Danolou.
20:41
I make gluten-free desserts.
20:44
Not gonna lie. We're struggling at the moment.
20:54
Stan. Hi
20:56
Oh, my God, he is so guilty. You're voting guilty, right?
20:59
You can't know he's guilty yet. - Everyone's guilty of something.
21:02
You're guilty of having incredibly kissable lips.
21:05
Oh, they're plump and sweet like ripe cherries.
21:08
I'll vote guilty if you want me to. - Of course you will.
21:46
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
