I'll never pull another trigger as long as I live! — ClipClopulator

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I'll never pull another trigger as long as I live!

S07E08 For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls

05:13 – 05:15

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05:13.8
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05:15.6
05:15.8
05:16.1

Previous lineWhy did you have to give me a gun?Next lineRelax, Steve. Part of gun ownership is killing people by mistake.

Transcript

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00:04 Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:07 I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:10 The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:13 And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:19 Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:23 Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:28 [[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:31 [ Wind Whistling ]
00:36 Three days till Christmas!
00:38 Mr. S, I have to mail my letter to Santa.
00:41 I'm asking for an authentic polar bear helmet...
00:43 from the movie Golden Compass.
00:45 [ Laughs, Whoops ]
00:47 You're a golden dumb-ass!
00:49 Dad, be nice to Jeff. He's just excited about Christmas.
00:52 He's a grown man and he still believes in Santa Claus.
00:55 Isn't it amazing? - [I Laughs ]
00:56 To maintain that childlike sense of wonder?
00:59 No, Hayley. And I'm not getting that moron...
01:01 a damn thing for Christmas.
01:02 Just because you married him...
01:03 doesn't make him a part of my family.
01:05 Actually, it does, Dad. And you need to accept that.
01:08 Hayley, the only thing I have to accept...
01:10 is that socially I can't wear mascara...
01:12 even though it makes my eyes pop like firecrackers!
01:17 Look. I've got wooden clogs to put around the tree.
01:20 I'm starting a new Christmas tradition.
01:22 What was wrong with our old traditions...
01:24 like letting homeless people smell our napkins...
01:25 after Christmas dinner?
01:27 On the View they said we could try the Dutch custom...
01:30 of putting presents in wooden clogs.
01:32 Barbara Walters said it...
01:34 and she had an affair with a married black senator...
01:37 so, you know, she doesn't drive in the slow lane.
01:40 Well, I'm not gonna be able...
01:42 to fit my present for Steve in a shoe.
01:44 I'm getting him his first gun this Christmas.
01:46 It's the perfect way for us to bond.
01:48 A gun? Can't you bond over something else?
01:51 I've tried everything else— darts, a Ping-Pong table, that puppy.
01:54 [ Gasps ] The puppy!
01:56 Eh, it's probably too late.
01:58 Well, I'm sorry, but guns are too dangerous for Steve.
02:02 Promise you won't get him one for Christmas.
02:04 I promise I won't get Steve a gun for Christmas.
02:07 Merry Wednesday, Son.
02:10 A machine gun? Oh, seems a bit dangerous for me.
02:14 But I guess if coked-out child soldiers in the Congo can do it.
02:17 That's the spirit!
02:18 Hey, Mr. S., I'll go shooting with you guys too.
02:20 [ Sighs ] Jeff, I am trying to have a bonding experience with my son.
02:25 You are not my son. You are no part of this family.
02:28 And when I open my eyes, you better be gone. Okay?
02:31 I don't want to see a trace of you.
02:36 Terrible.
02:40 Pardon me, sir. I'm what you might call an "advanced drinker"...
02:43 and I've been having a dickens of a time...
02:45 concocting an eggnog that provides the certain...
02:49 heady tingle that I require.
02:51 Well, normally people put bourbon in their eggnog.
02:54 I'm telling you, I can't get drunk!
02:57 My apologies, sir. I had to be sure you were serious.
03:04 [ Quietly ] There is legend of a—
03:06 [ Door Bell Jingles ]
03:10 There is legend of a moonshiner...
03:12 who lives atop the tallest peak of the Chimdale Mountains.
03:16 They say he's blind standing nine feet tall..
03:20 with four arms and--
03:22 Excuse me. Do you have seasonal beers?
03:23 You're killing his story!
03:29 Atop that mountain, a four-armed, nine-foot blind man...
03:32 Who also has the tongue of a dragon... - [ Snarling ]
03:35 makes the strongest whiskey on earth.
03:38 They say that if youre crazy, it makes you sane.
03:40 And if youre sane, you'll never believe a word of this story.
03:46 [ Quietly ] I believe everything.
03:48 [ Beeps ] - Then take this map.
03:50 It is my gift to you. But just know that—
03:54 I'm all set with the beer, but I've got a random question.
03:56 Do you sell watch batteries?
03:59 [ Distorted Yell ]
04:02 [ Slaps ] - [I Yelps ]
04:04 Get out.
04:07 Steve, shooting a gun is like being intimate with a woman.
04:10 First, you inspect it to make sure it's clean.
04:13 Then you grab it on the butt and jam the magazine in. If it doesn't fit, make it.
04:21 [ Screams ]
04:23 [ Gasps ] Almost shot my eye out!
04:26 Whoa! Looks like your mom was right. This isn't safe.
04:32 Safety goggles.
04:34 Ooh, new target! Snowman! Get him!
04:36 [ Screams ]
04:46 [ Groans ]
04:49 Oh, my God! A mall Santa!
04:51 I-I didn't see him! I-is he—
04:53 Dead? Were you gonna ask if he's dead?
04:55 I was gonna ask if he's okay!
04:57 Oh, no. No, no, no. No, no.
04:59 [ Clicks Tongue ] No, he-he is— he is dead.
05:01 He is not okay. He will never be okay, because he is—
05:04 say it with me— dead.
05:07 You didn't say it with me.
05:11 Why did you have to give me a gun?
05:13 I'll never pull another trigger as long as I live!
05:16 Relax, Steve. Part of gun ownership is killing people by mistake.
05:18 What the hell do we do now?
05:20 Well, we're gonna keep things pretty simple—
05:22 check the guy's fingerprints on my C.I.A. computer...
05:24 send an anonymous note to his next of kin...
05:26 and make sure your mother doesn't find out.
05:28 If she knew I gave you a gun, she'd kill me.
05:30 Or maybe she'd get you to do it, huh, killer? [ Laughs ] No.
05:33 No, I'm kidding, but you— you have killed someone.
05:37 [I Wind Whistling ] - [ Screeches ]
05:42 Gotta be around here somewhere.
05:48 Excuse me—
05:50 Well, if it ain't an alien in a wig.
05:53 What you say is true, sir.
05:55 And I seek a blind moonshiner with four arms...
05:58 who makes the strongest whiskey known to man.
06:00 You found him, alien.
06:02 But you only have two arms.
06:04 And it appears you can see me quite well.
06:06 Take a drop of this here. I call it Shine Apple. Just a touch!
06:12 [ Shouting ] Do you believe me now?
06:17 Oh, my God! It is you!
06:19 The name's Bob Todd. Bob Todd Williams.
06:22 Robert Toddford Williams.
06:24 Bobby Todd, if you like.
06:26 Todd Willy's fine too.
06:28 Robert Todd and Bob Toddford's all the same.
06:30 If you holler "Mr. Williams," I won't know what to do with It!
06:33 I do, however, go by T-Dub at the racetrack.
06:36 And all the ladies— Well, they call me Bert-Bert.
06:39 Bob Todd, my name is Roger...
06:41 and it would be an honor if I could purchase your whiskey.
06:43 Purchase? I got no use for your green money.
06:46 What the hell am I supposed to do with it?
06:49 Go shopping in a store? Buy a record?
06:51 Guess I'll have to go a different route.
06:53 Ain't no need to prostrate yourself.
06:55 If you want some of this whiskey, I'll teach you how to make it.
06:57 Oh, my God! Thank you!
06:59 Oh, boy! You had me in the palm of your hand there.
07:02 About a second later that would have been the other way around.
07:09 Okay, let's hide this guy in the backyard while I run his prints.
07:12 Damn it! Just be casual. Follow my lead.
07:15 Hey, Francine, you look amazing!
07:17 You look amazing, Francine! You're so attractive!
07:27 Strange. Our mall Santa's prints aren't in the C.i.a.'s files.
07:31 [ Francine Gasps ] - Uh-oh.
07:36 Okay, here's what happened—
07:38 I killed him! You were right, Mom. I'm too young for a gun.
07:42 A boy shot a man today. A boy shot a man!
07:46 Steve killed somebody? Have you called the police?
07:49 No need to. Me and Steve can handle it.
07:51 Stan, you've done enough. I will not have this Christmas ruined.
07:54 Now we're just gonna bury that body deep in the woods and never talk about it again.
08:00 [ All Grunt ]
08:01 We don't speak of this to anyone.
08:06 I can't believe we're burying this guy in the woods.
08:09 I can't believe you guys didn't let me smash his teeth out...
08:11 and cut off his hands.
08:14 What? You wanna get away with this or not?
08:18 Okay, I'm gonna teach you...
08:20 how to make this here whiskey the way my pappy taught me.
08:22 Just know that my methods are unusual.
08:25 I'm the opposite of them Jews with the curlicue sideburns.
08:28 What do they call them sideburn Jews?
08:31 Orthodox? - Right!
08:32 I am unorthodox.
08:34 Now take you a full swig and we'll get started.
08:38 [ Growling ] - [ Video Game Beeping ]
08:41 [ Video Game Theme ]
08:44 [ Humming With Theme ]
08:50 [ Imitating Video Game Noises ]
08:52 [ Humming, Noises Continue ] - [ Beeping ]
08:53 [ Noises Continue ]
08:56 [ Rapid Beeping ]
08:58 You did it! You kissed the raccoon!
09:01 You're a real moonshiner now, you son of a bitch!
09:04 Go forth and brew my ancient elixir with these sacred jugs.
09:08 [ Country Accent ] I look forward to the day we meet again...
09:10 you wise old cracker!
09:11 You are always welcome here, budrow. You are my kin.
09:15 And I will let you drive my Camaro when I fix the God-dang drive shaft!
09:21 [I Hums ]
09:23 What the hell?
09:27 [ Gasps ]
09:28 [ Chorus Chanting ]
09:34 [ Gasps ]
09:35 [ Chanting Continues ]
09:40 [ Gasps ]
09:41 [ Chanting Continues ]
09:47 [ Gasps ]
09:49 Please tell me I'm not the only one who got a crazy letter.
09:51 I got one too! - Did someone blab about what happened in the woods?
09:54 No! - Huh-uh!
09:56 [ imitates Theme ] Breaking news.
09:58 It's the day before Christmas, and many people are saying...
10:00 It doesnt feel like Christmas at all
10:02 Let's go to Terry Bates.
10:03 Sir, if I asked what month it felt like to you...
10:05 What would you say?
10:06 If I had to guess, I'd say... mid-October.
10:09 And what is your profession?
10:10 I make calendars... with cats on 'em... for lesbians.
10:14 Ooh, lesbians are so hard to buy for.
10:16 Well there you have it Greg. There's no feeling of holiday spirit out here at all.
10:20 it's almost as if someone has killed Santa Claus.
10:23 Oh, my God! Did I- - Of course not!
10:26 There's no such thing as Santa Claus, Steve.
10:30 [ All Grunting ]
10:32 Oh, my God! The body's gone!
10:37 "The Smiths have been naughty...
10:39 and that makes Santa not nice."
10:42 [ Gasps ] Oh, no! It's true!
10:44 I killed Santa!
10:46 [ Arrow Shoots ]
10:47 santa's not dead, you fools!
10:50 He's in the North Pole... recovering!
10:52 But he'll be back to kill you all...
10:55 before the sun rises on Christmas Day!
10:58 Fly, Mimzy! - [ Snorts ]
11:28 What do we do? If that elf is right...
11:30 santa's gonna kill us in... less than 12 hours!
11:33 Okay, look, maybe that wasn't a real elf.
11:36 Maybe it's just some midge playing a trick.
11:38 We all know how mischievous little people are.
11:40 Most of them don't have jobs, which gives them plenty of time to think of schemes.
11:43 I don't think that was a little person, Stan. Look at this!
11:49 Oh, my God! I can't believe I shot the real Santa!
11:52 I can't believe there is a real Santa!
11:54 So that year I got a vibrator from Santa...
11:57 that was really from Santa?
11:59 Dad, we have to get Jeff.
12:01 He's at the house. He could be in danger.
12:02 That's the first place Santa will look for us.
12:04 Forget about Jeff! It's just the four of us now.
12:06 [ Roger, Country Accent ] Make that five, numb-nuts.
12:09 [ Hayley ] Roger?
12:10 Santer's after ya, huh?
12:12 Y'all best follow me then. I got a spot where no one's gonna find ya.
12:17 Won't hear when I make ya squeal like a pig neither. - What?
12:20 Nothing. Deliverance joke.
12:21 [ Sighs ] Poor Ned Beatty.
12:23 He can— He can play Rudy's dad all he wants...
12:26 but when we look at him, all we see is him getting rammed in the woods.
12:32 Santer's after ya, huh? Mm-hmm!
12:34 I'd like to see that fat testicle-tickler come down my chimney.
12:38 Would it be okay if we hide out in your house for a while?
12:41 Hell yeah! It's Christmas Eve!
12:43 Shoot, let's go sing a damn song.
12:48 [ Owl Hoots ]
12:52 [ Strums ]
12:54 Come on, y'all! Relax! I told you, santer's not gonna get you up here.
12:57 You're totally safe... and you look fantastic.
13:05 They're right. Just because we're being hunted like dogs...
13:08 doesn't mean we can't have a great Christmas.
13:10 Screw Santa! Let's have some fun.
13:12 Here we go, y'all. Come in after the "diddle-diddles."
13:15 Two, three, four—
13:16 [ Sleigh Bells Jingling ]
13:18 Oh, my God! Who is that?
13:20 [ Jingling Continues ]
13:24 What is he doing here?
13:26 I called him. I wanted to spend Christmas with my husband.
13:29 I do not want him in our band. There's no instruments for him to play. Right, Bob Todd?
13:32 He could play the skin flute. - [I Laughs ]
13:37 Oh. - Merry Christmas, all!
13:39 [ Jingling Continues ] - Damn it, Jeff, go turn off your van!
13:41 The radio's still on. - That's not my radio, Mr. S.
13:44 My keys are right here.
13:46 Then what the hell is that noise?
13:48 [ Jingling Continues ] - [ Gasps ]
14:00 I'm coming for you, Smiths! Hyah!
14:04 How did he find us? - Oh
14:05 I wrote him a letter telling him where he could deliver our presents.
14:08 He's trying to kill us, you moron! You gave away our hiding spot!
14:11 Dad, stop it! He didn't know!
14:13 He's doesn't know anything! He's super dumb, Hayley!
14:15 Jeff, please leave my family alone forever! Will you do me that kindness?
14:21 He understood! It's a Christmas miracle!
14:23 Okay, we got a fight on our hands, people.
14:26 I wanna shoot that fat turd in the belly!
14:28 [ Santa ] I heard that, Bob Todd!
14:30 I hope you did, you butt-licker!
14:36 [ Growls ] - [ Screaming ]
14:37 [ Gunshots Continue ] - [ Growling Continues ]
14:44 [ Screams ] - [ Growls ]
14:48 All right, Steve and I will go outside with Bob Todd.
14:50 Francine, you and Hayley lock the door behind us and shoot from the windows.
14:53 B-But, Dad, I swore I'd never touch another gun as long as I live.
14:57 The emotional burden I've felt ever since—
14:59 Can it, Growing Pains! Pick up a gun this instant and send these toy makers to hell!
15:06 [ Groans ]
15:07 Ooh, how's that feel, Linda?
15:16 [ Reindeer Screeches ]
15:21 [ Screaming ] - Yeah!
15:24 [ Screams ]
15:27 [ Grunting ]
15:31 [ Screams ]
15:33 You're doing it, Son!
15:35 Is it weird to have a boner?
15:36 It'd be weird if you didn't!
15:42 [ Gunfire Continues ]
15:44 [ Yelps ]
15:45 Hyah!
15:47 Mom, can't you make Dad be nicer to Jeff?
15:49 [ Grunting ]
15:51 Oh, honey! He'll come around eventually.
15:54 [ Both Yelp ] - When?
15:56 I've been with Jeff for four years! On your right.
16:00 [ Both Grunt ]
16:02 [ Both Groan, Scream ]
16:04 I think he just has to get used to the idea of Jeff living in the house.
16:08 Remember how hard it was for him to get used to Roger?
16:11 Not to mention... what's-his-name.
16:15 My name is Klaus Heissler.
16:23 [ Screaming ]
16:32 [ Yelps ]
16:33 [ Rumbling ]
16:34 [ Heavy Footfalls ]
16:37 [ Roaring ]
16:40 [ Roars ]
16:46 [ Roars ]
16:51 [ Shrieking ] - [ Grunts ]
16:55 [ Shrieks ]
17:06 [ Screaming ]
17:09 I'm out of ammo! - Damn it, me too!
17:13 [ Growls ]
17:15 We need more weapons.
17:17 [ Slurring ] How about-— What about these?
17:19 We can sharpen them with our mouths and make swords.
17:22 Here. Just suck it till it's pointy.
17:29 Wow. Hayley, brand-new respect for you.
17:31 Francine, give Hayley your candy cane.
17:34 [ Muffled ] Shut up! I can do it.
17:37 Ha! - [ Screaming ]
17:42 Dad, there's too many of them!
17:44 I want to help, Mr. S. - You want to help me?
17:47 Stand here and shield me from arrows until you die.
17:59 [ Screaming Continues ]
18:01 [ Santa ] I Jeff Fischer! - [ Screaming Stops ]
18:03 Come and fight with me! You're a good boy!
18:07 You don't have to die with the Smiths!
18:11 I got you that polar bear helmet...
18:13 from the Golden Compass that you asked for!
18:31 Jeff, don't do this!
18:33 Let him go, Hayley. I knew he wasn't Smith material.
18:39 [ Grunts ]
18:42 [ Shouting ]
18:46 Season's bleedings!
18:49 sorry about this, Santa.
18:52 [ Screams ]
18:54 Alex! Jeremiah!
18:56 [ Groaning ]
18:58 [ Screaming ] - Let me help you there, Mr. S.
19:08 You guys hold them off! I'll tend to Mr. S. in the cockpit.
19:13 [ Clicking ] - [ Shouting ]
19:21 [ Screaming ]
19:25 Even after all I said, you—
19:27 you still saved my life.
19:29 I didn't do it for you. I did it for Hayley.
19:32 she's my wife. And if you're important to her, you're important to me.
19:37 Personally, I think you're an ass.
19:39 Well, how about that.
19:42 [ Francine ] There's too many of them!
19:45 Jeff, what do you say we go out there and die...
19:48 as a family?
19:52 [ Shouting, Yelping ]
19:55 [ Both Yell ]
19:57 [ Grunting ]
20:02 [ Screaming ]
20:03 [ Elf ] Oh, no!
20:05 Damn! We only had until Christmas Day.
20:09 Everyone, back to the North Pole!
20:12 Retreat! Retreat!
20:15 [ Chattering ]
20:28 Guess I can kiss my presents good-bye.
20:31 [ Santa ] You're damn right, you jerk!
20:35 "You were lucky this year, Smiths...
20:38 but I'll be back next Christmas to kill you." [ Gasps ]
20:41 Oh, my God. It looks like we've found our new Christmas tradition!
20:45 Does your family always have such messed-up Christmases?
20:48 Yeah, Jeff.
20:50 And now you do too.
20:52 [ Groans ] This sucker tried to turn into liquid energy on me...
20:55 but I wasn't having none of it!
20:57 Ooh! That'll make some nice venison.
20:59 Mm-hmm. I'm gonna cook y'all a hell of a meal today—
21:02 right after me and this here reindeer make sweet, tender love.
21:05 Merry Christmas, everybody!
21:06 Merry Christmas!
21:46 Bye! Have a beautiful time.