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There's no such thing as Santa Claus, Steve.
S07E08 For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls
10:26 – 10:28
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00:04
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:10
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:13
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:19
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:23
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:28
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:31
[ Wind Whistling ]
00:36
Three days till Christmas!
00:38
Mr. S, I have to mail my letter to Santa.
00:41
I'm asking for an authentic polar bear helmet...
00:43
from the movie Golden Compass.
00:45
[ Laughs, Whoops ]
00:47
You're a golden dumb-ass!
00:49
Dad, be nice to Jeff. He's just excited about Christmas.
00:52
He's a grown man and he still believes in Santa Claus.
00:55
Isn't it amazing? - [I Laughs ]
00:56
To maintain that childlike sense of wonder?
00:59
No, Hayley. And I'm not getting that moron...
01:01
a damn thing for Christmas.
01:02
Just because you married him...
01:03
doesn't make him a part of my family.
01:05
Actually, it does, Dad. And you need to accept that.
01:08
Hayley, the only thing I have to accept...
01:10
is that socially I can't wear mascara...
01:12
even though it makes my eyes pop like firecrackers!
01:17
Look. I've got wooden clogs to put around the tree.
01:20
I'm starting a new Christmas tradition.
01:22
What was wrong with our old traditions...
01:24
like letting homeless people smell our napkins...
01:25
after Christmas dinner?
01:27
On the View they said we could try the Dutch custom...
01:30
of putting presents in wooden clogs.
01:32
Barbara Walters said it...
01:34
and she had an affair with a married black senator...
01:37
so, you know, she doesn't drive in the slow lane.
01:40
Well, I'm not gonna be able...
01:42
to fit my present for Steve in a shoe.
01:44
I'm getting him his first gun this Christmas.
01:46
It's the perfect way for us to bond.
01:48
A gun? Can't you bond over something else?
01:51
I've tried everything else— darts, a Ping-Pong table, that puppy.
01:54
[ Gasps ] The puppy!
01:56
Eh, it's probably too late.
01:58
Well, I'm sorry, but guns are too dangerous for Steve.
02:02
Promise you won't get him one for Christmas.
02:04
I promise I won't get Steve a gun for Christmas.
02:07
Merry Wednesday, Son.
02:10
A machine gun? Oh, seems a bit dangerous for me.
02:14
But I guess if coked-out child soldiers in the Congo can do it.
02:17
That's the spirit!
02:18
Hey, Mr. S., I'll go shooting with you guys too.
02:20
[ Sighs ] Jeff, I am trying to have a bonding experience with my son.
02:25
You are not my son. You are no part of this family.
02:28
And when I open my eyes, you better be gone. Okay?
02:31
I don't want to see a trace of you.
02:36
Terrible.
02:40
Pardon me, sir. I'm what you might call an "advanced drinker"...
02:43
and I've been having a dickens of a time...
02:45
concocting an eggnog that provides the certain...
02:49
heady tingle that I require.
02:51
Well, normally people put bourbon in their eggnog.
02:54
I'm telling you, I can't get drunk!
02:57
My apologies, sir. I had to be sure you were serious.
03:04
[ Quietly ] There is legend of a—
03:06
[ Door Bell Jingles ]
03:10
There is legend of a moonshiner...
03:12
who lives atop the tallest peak of the Chimdale Mountains.
03:16
They say he's blind standing nine feet tall..
03:20
with four arms and--
03:22
Excuse me. Do you have seasonal beers?
03:23
You're killing his story!
03:29
Atop that mountain, a four-armed, nine-foot blind man...
03:32
Who also has the tongue of a dragon... - [ Snarling ]
03:35
makes the strongest whiskey on earth.
03:38
They say that if youre crazy, it makes you sane.
03:40
And if youre sane, you'll never believe a word of this story.
03:46
[ Quietly ] I believe everything.
03:48
[ Beeps ] - Then take this map.
03:50
It is my gift to you. But just know that—
03:54
I'm all set with the beer, but I've got a random question.
03:56
Do you sell watch batteries?
03:59
[ Distorted Yell ]
04:02
[ Slaps ] - [I Yelps ]
04:04
Get out.
04:07
Steve, shooting a gun is like being intimate with a woman.
04:10
First, you inspect it to make sure it's clean.
04:13
Then you grab it on the butt and jam the magazine in. If it doesn't fit, make it.
04:21
[ Screams ]
04:23
[ Gasps ] Almost shot my eye out!
04:26
Whoa! Looks like your mom was right. This isn't safe.
04:32
Safety goggles.
04:34
Ooh, new target! Snowman! Get him!
04:36
[ Screams ]
04:46
[ Groans ]
04:49
Oh, my God! A mall Santa!
04:51
I-I didn't see him! I-is he—
04:53
Dead? Were you gonna ask if he's dead?
04:55
I was gonna ask if he's okay!
04:57
Oh, no. No, no, no. No, no.
04:59
[ Clicks Tongue ] No, he-he is— he is dead.
05:01
He is not okay. He will never be okay, because he is—
05:04
say it with me— dead.
05:07
You didn't say it with me.
05:11
Why did you have to give me a gun?
05:13
I'll never pull another trigger as long as I live!
05:16
Relax, Steve. Part of gun ownership is killing people by mistake.
05:18
What the hell do we do now?
05:20
Well, we're gonna keep things pretty simple—
05:22
check the guy's fingerprints on my C.I.A. computer...
05:24
send an anonymous note to his next of kin...
05:26
and make sure your mother doesn't find out.
05:28
If she knew I gave you a gun, she'd kill me.
05:30
Or maybe she'd get you to do it, huh, killer? [ Laughs ] No.
05:33
No, I'm kidding, but you— you have killed someone.
05:37
[I Wind Whistling ] - [ Screeches ]
05:42
Gotta be around here somewhere.
05:48
Excuse me—
05:50
Well, if it ain't an alien in a wig.
05:53
What you say is true, sir.
05:55
And I seek a blind moonshiner with four arms...
05:58
who makes the strongest whiskey known to man.
06:00
You found him, alien.
06:02
But you only have two arms.
06:04
And it appears you can see me quite well.
06:06
Take a drop of this here. I call it Shine Apple. Just a touch!
06:12
[ Shouting ] Do you believe me now?
06:17
Oh, my God! It is you!
06:19
The name's Bob Todd. Bob Todd Williams.
06:22
Robert Toddford Williams.
06:24
Bobby Todd, if you like.
06:26
Todd Willy's fine too.
06:28
Robert Todd and Bob Toddford's all the same.
06:30
If you holler "Mr. Williams," I won't know what to do with It!
06:33
I do, however, go by T-Dub at the racetrack.
06:36
And all the ladies— Well, they call me Bert-Bert.
06:39
Bob Todd, my name is Roger...
06:41
and it would be an honor if I could purchase your whiskey.
06:43
Purchase? I got no use for your green money.
06:46
What the hell am I supposed to do with it?
06:49
Go shopping in a store? Buy a record?
06:51
Guess I'll have to go a different route.
06:53
Ain't no need to prostrate yourself.
06:55
If you want some of this whiskey, I'll teach you how to make it.
06:57
Oh, my God! Thank you!
06:59
Oh, boy! You had me in the palm of your hand there.
07:02
About a second later that would have been the other way around.
07:09
Okay, let's hide this guy in the backyard while I run his prints.
07:12
Damn it! Just be casual. Follow my lead.
07:15
Hey, Francine, you look amazing!
07:17
You look amazing, Francine! You're so attractive!
07:27
Strange. Our mall Santa's prints aren't in the C.i.a.'s files.
07:31
[ Francine Gasps ] - Uh-oh.
07:36
Okay, here's what happened—
07:38
I killed him! You were right, Mom. I'm too young for a gun.
07:42
A boy shot a man today. A boy shot a man!
07:46
Steve killed somebody? Have you called the police?
07:49
No need to. Me and Steve can handle it.
07:51
Stan, you've done enough. I will not have this Christmas ruined.
07:54
Now we're just gonna bury that body deep in the woods and never talk about it again.
08:00
[ All Grunt ]
08:01
We don't speak of this to anyone.
08:06
I can't believe we're burying this guy in the woods.
08:09
I can't believe you guys didn't let me smash his teeth out...
08:11
and cut off his hands.
08:14
What? You wanna get away with this or not?
08:18
Okay, I'm gonna teach you...
08:20
how to make this here whiskey the way my pappy taught me.
08:22
Just know that my methods are unusual.
08:25
I'm the opposite of them Jews with the curlicue sideburns.
08:28
What do they call them sideburn Jews?
08:31
Orthodox? - Right!
08:32
I am unorthodox.
08:34
Now take you a full swig and we'll get started.
08:38
[ Growling ] - [ Video Game Beeping ]
08:41
[ Video Game Theme ]
08:44
[ Humming With Theme ]
08:50
[ Imitating Video Game Noises ]
08:52
[ Humming, Noises Continue ] - [ Beeping ]
08:53
[ Noises Continue ]
08:56
[ Rapid Beeping ]
08:58
You did it! You kissed the raccoon!
09:01
You're a real moonshiner now, you son of a bitch!
09:04
Go forth and brew my ancient elixir with these sacred jugs.
09:08
[ Country Accent ] I look forward to the day we meet again...
09:10
you wise old cracker!
09:11
You are always welcome here, budrow. You are my kin.
09:15
And I will let you drive my Camaro when I fix the God-dang drive shaft!
09:21
[I Hums ]
09:23
What the hell?
09:27
[ Gasps ]
09:28
[ Chorus Chanting ]
09:34
[ Gasps ]
09:35
[ Chanting Continues ]
09:40
[ Gasps ]
09:41
[ Chanting Continues ]
09:47
[ Gasps ]
09:49
Please tell me I'm not the only one who got a crazy letter.
09:51
I got one too! - Did someone blab about what happened in the woods?
09:54
No! - Huh-uh!
09:56
[ imitates Theme ] Breaking news.
09:58
It's the day before Christmas, and many people are saying...
10:00
It doesnt feel like Christmas at all
10:02
Let's go to Terry Bates.
10:03
Sir, if I asked what month it felt like to you...
10:05
What would you say?
10:06
If I had to guess, I'd say... mid-October.
10:09
And what is your profession?
10:10
I make calendars... with cats on 'em... for lesbians.
10:14
Ooh, lesbians are so hard to buy for.
10:16
Well there you have it Greg. There's no feeling of holiday spirit out here at all.
10:20
it's almost as if someone has killed Santa Claus.
10:23
Oh, my God! Did I- - Of course not!
10:26
There's no such thing as Santa Claus, Steve.
10:30
[ All Grunting ]
10:32
Oh, my God! The body's gone!
10:37
"The Smiths have been naughty...
10:39
and that makes Santa not nice."
10:42
[ Gasps ] Oh, no! It's true!
10:44
I killed Santa!
10:46
[ Arrow Shoots ]
10:47
santa's not dead, you fools!
10:50
He's in the North Pole... recovering!
10:52
But he'll be back to kill you all...
10:55
before the sun rises on Christmas Day!
10:58
Fly, Mimzy! - [ Snorts ]
11:28
What do we do? If that elf is right...
11:30
santa's gonna kill us in... less than 12 hours!
11:33
Okay, look, maybe that wasn't a real elf.
11:36
Maybe it's just some midge playing a trick.
11:38
We all know how mischievous little people are.
11:40
Most of them don't have jobs, which gives them plenty of time to think of schemes.
11:43
I don't think that was a little person, Stan. Look at this!
11:49
Oh, my God! I can't believe I shot the real Santa!
11:52
I can't believe there is a real Santa!
11:54
So that year I got a vibrator from Santa...
11:57
that was really from Santa?
11:59
Dad, we have to get Jeff.
12:01
He's at the house. He could be in danger.
12:02
That's the first place Santa will look for us.
12:04
Forget about Jeff! It's just the four of us now.
12:06
[ Roger, Country Accent ] Make that five, numb-nuts.
12:09
[ Hayley ] Roger?
12:10
Santer's after ya, huh?
12:12
Y'all best follow me then. I got a spot where no one's gonna find ya.
12:17
Won't hear when I make ya squeal like a pig neither. - What?
12:20
Nothing. Deliverance joke.
12:21
[ Sighs ] Poor Ned Beatty.
12:23
He can— He can play Rudy's dad all he wants...
12:26
but when we look at him, all we see is him getting rammed in the woods.
12:32
Santer's after ya, huh? Mm-hmm!
12:34
I'd like to see that fat testicle-tickler come down my chimney.
12:38
Would it be okay if we hide out in your house for a while?
12:41
Hell yeah! It's Christmas Eve!
12:43
Shoot, let's go sing a damn song.
12:48
[ Owl Hoots ]
12:52
[ Strums ]
12:54
Come on, y'all! Relax! I told you, santer's not gonna get you up here.
12:57
You're totally safe... and you look fantastic.
13:05
They're right. Just because we're being hunted like dogs...
13:08
doesn't mean we can't have a great Christmas.
13:10
Screw Santa! Let's have some fun.
13:12
Here we go, y'all. Come in after the "diddle-diddles."
13:15
Two, three, four—
13:16
[ Sleigh Bells Jingling ]
13:18
Oh, my God! Who is that?
13:20
[ Jingling Continues ]
13:24
What is he doing here?
13:26
I called him. I wanted to spend Christmas with my husband.
13:29
I do not want him in our band. There's no instruments for him to play. Right, Bob Todd?
13:32
He could play the skin flute. - [I Laughs ]
13:37
Oh. - Merry Christmas, all!
13:39
[ Jingling Continues ] - Damn it, Jeff, go turn off your van!
13:41
The radio's still on. - That's not my radio, Mr. S.
13:44
My keys are right here.
13:46
Then what the hell is that noise?
13:48
[ Jingling Continues ] - [ Gasps ]
14:00
I'm coming for you, Smiths! Hyah!
14:04
How did he find us? - Oh
14:05
I wrote him a letter telling him where he could deliver our presents.
14:08
He's trying to kill us, you moron! You gave away our hiding spot!
14:11
Dad, stop it! He didn't know!
14:13
He's doesn't know anything! He's super dumb, Hayley!
14:15
Jeff, please leave my family alone forever! Will you do me that kindness?
14:21
He understood! It's a Christmas miracle!
14:23
Okay, we got a fight on our hands, people.
14:26
I wanna shoot that fat turd in the belly!
14:28
[ Santa ] I heard that, Bob Todd!
14:30
I hope you did, you butt-licker!
14:36
[ Growls ] - [ Screaming ]
14:37
[ Gunshots Continue ] - [ Growling Continues ]
14:44
[ Screams ] - [ Growls ]
14:48
All right, Steve and I will go outside with Bob Todd.
14:50
Francine, you and Hayley lock the door behind us and shoot from the windows.
14:53
B-But, Dad, I swore I'd never touch another gun as long as I live.
14:57
The emotional burden I've felt ever since—
14:59
Can it, Growing Pains! Pick up a gun this instant and send these toy makers to hell!
15:06
[ Groans ]
15:07
Ooh, how's that feel, Linda?
15:16
[ Reindeer Screeches ]
15:21
[ Screaming ] - Yeah!
15:24
[ Screams ]
15:27
[ Grunting ]
15:31
[ Screams ]
15:33
You're doing it, Son!
15:35
Is it weird to have a boner?
15:36
It'd be weird if you didn't!
15:42
[ Gunfire Continues ]
15:44
[ Yelps ]
15:45
Hyah!
15:47
Mom, can't you make Dad be nicer to Jeff?
15:49
[ Grunting ]
15:51
Oh, honey! He'll come around eventually.
15:54
[ Both Yelp ] - When?
15:56
I've been with Jeff for four years! On your right.
16:00
[ Both Grunt ]
16:02
[ Both Groan, Scream ]
16:04
I think he just has to get used to the idea of Jeff living in the house.
16:08
Remember how hard it was for him to get used to Roger?
16:11
Not to mention... what's-his-name.
16:15
My name is Klaus Heissler.
16:23
[ Screaming ]
16:32
[ Yelps ]
16:33
[ Rumbling ]
16:34
[ Heavy Footfalls ]
16:37
[ Roaring ]
16:40
[ Roars ]
16:46
[ Roars ]
16:51
[ Shrieking ] - [ Grunts ]
16:55
[ Shrieks ]
17:06
[ Screaming ]
17:09
I'm out of ammo! - Damn it, me too!
17:13
[ Growls ]
17:15
We need more weapons.
17:17
[ Slurring ] How about-— What about these?
17:19
We can sharpen them with our mouths and make swords.
17:22
Here. Just suck it till it's pointy.
17:29
Wow. Hayley, brand-new respect for you.
17:31
Francine, give Hayley your candy cane.
17:34
[ Muffled ] Shut up! I can do it.
17:37
Ha! - [ Screaming ]
17:42
Dad, there's too many of them!
17:44
I want to help, Mr. S. - You want to help me?
17:47
Stand here and shield me from arrows until you die.
17:59
[ Screaming Continues ]
18:01
[ Santa ] I Jeff Fischer! - [ Screaming Stops ]
18:03
Come and fight with me! You're a good boy!
18:07
You don't have to die with the Smiths!
18:11
I got you that polar bear helmet...
18:13
from the Golden Compass that you asked for!
18:31
Jeff, don't do this!
18:33
Let him go, Hayley. I knew he wasn't Smith material.
18:39
[ Grunts ]
18:42
[ Shouting ]
18:46
Season's bleedings!
18:49
sorry about this, Santa.
18:52
[ Screams ]
18:54
Alex! Jeremiah!
18:56
[ Groaning ]
18:58
[ Screaming ] - Let me help you there, Mr. S.
19:08
You guys hold them off! I'll tend to Mr. S. in the cockpit.
19:13
[ Clicking ] - [ Shouting ]
19:21
[ Screaming ]
19:25
Even after all I said, you—
19:27
you still saved my life.
19:29
I didn't do it for you. I did it for Hayley.
19:32
she's my wife. And if you're important to her, you're important to me.
19:37
Personally, I think you're an ass.
19:39
Well, how about that.
19:42
[ Francine ] There's too many of them!
19:45
Jeff, what do you say we go out there and die...
19:48
as a family?
19:52
[ Shouting, Yelping ]
19:55
[ Both Yell ]
19:57
[ Grunting ]
20:02
[ Screaming ]
20:03
[ Elf ] Oh, no!
20:05
Damn! We only had until Christmas Day.
20:09
Everyone, back to the North Pole!
20:12
Retreat! Retreat!
20:15
[ Chattering ]
20:28
Guess I can kiss my presents good-bye.
20:31
[ Santa ] You're damn right, you jerk!
20:35
"You were lucky this year, Smiths...
20:38
but I'll be back next Christmas to kill you." [ Gasps ]
20:41
Oh, my God. It looks like we've found our new Christmas tradition!
20:45
Does your family always have such messed-up Christmases?
20:48
Yeah, Jeff.
20:50
And now you do too.
20:52
[ Groans ] This sucker tried to turn into liquid energy on me...
20:55
but I wasn't having none of it!
20:57
Ooh! That'll make some nice venison.
20:59
Mm-hmm. I'm gonna cook y'all a hell of a meal today—
21:02
right after me and this here reindeer make sweet, tender love.
21:05
Merry Christmas, everybody!
21:06
Merry Christmas!
21:46
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
