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Who killed small-town America, Steve?
S07E10 Stanny Boy and Frantastic
04:57 – 04:59
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Kids don't come in anymore. [ Sighs ]
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Cell phones, texting and blogs. That's who.
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00:04
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:10
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:13
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:19
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:23
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:28
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:31
[ Dog Barking In Distance ]
00:37
Hey, did I ever tell you the story...
00:38
of the time I got my head stuck in the banister?
00:41
196 times. In fact, why don't I tell it to you?
00:45
You were eight and got your head stuck in the staircase banister.
00:48
So your mother buttered your ears and slid you out.
00:50
And that's why, to this day...
00:51
you always carry a stick of butter in your purse.
00:55
Yup. [ Sighs ] That's the banister story.
00:59
Oh, my God. Is this what our life is gonna be?
01:02
Just you and me...
01:04
telling each other the same old story over and over?
01:07
Just say the word, and we'll jump into the suicide pit.
01:09
[ Snarling, Growling ]
01:12
You'd like it if we jumped down there, wouldn't you?
01:15
You want my hand? You want this finger, huh? Huh?
01:18
No, don't- Don't tease 'em.
01:21
[ Yelps ]
01:22
I won tickets to the new Cirque du Soleil show next week.
01:25
Cirque du Soleil Moon Frye.
01:26
Oh, I've heard of that one. Top-heavy actresses get stuck in a refrigerator...
01:31
and have to dance their way out.
01:33
Great. That sounds like somethin' to do. We'll take those.
01:35
Hey, you guys can't do this.
01:38
[ Snarling, Roaring ] - I think we can.
01:44
Oh, look, there's four. We can take another couple!
01:47
What about Gary and Lisa? - He's great, but I hate her.
01:50
How about Ted and Linda?
01:51
she's great, but I hate him.
01:53
Greg and Terry? - Both great!
01:56
Hey, it's Francine. We have extra tickets to a show next Thursday.
02:01
[ Laughs ] Okay, great.
02:06
It turns out, they hate us. - I can see that.
02:09
[Announcer ]/ Why pay 10 bucks for pre-bagged cotton candy...
02:13
when you can have it fresh at any time?
02:17
[All] Ooh!
02:18
With the Cotton Candy Shooter...
02:20
you can have portable perfection in the palm of your hand
02:28
Yes, I'd like to order the Cotton Candy Shooter.
02:31
We are going to have so much fun with this!
02:33
What are you gonna do with a portable Cotton Candy Shooter?
02:36
You're stuck in a fish bowl! You don't need portability.
02:38
No, I'm here. I was just mocking my stupid friend.
02:41
Anyway, last four digits, 5-6-6-4, expiration 8/12.
02:46
Yeah, Greg Corbin. Thank you.
02:48
I stole a credit card from Greg and Terry's mailbox.
02:51
Long as I don't charge over 40 bucks, they never catch on.
02:54
They get the bill, and it goes somethin' like this:
02:56
"Honey, did you spend 14.99 at a place called C.C.S. Enterprises?"
03:00
"Hmm, is that that new wine store on Grove Street?"
03:02
"Maybe. I also got a couple of vintage butter dishes off ebay. Could be that."
03:06
"And don't forget that hmm-hmm that came in the brown paper package."
03:09
"Tie me up with string, 'cause that was my favorite thing!"
03:11
After that, they do it on the Viking range top and end up ignoring the charge.
03:17
Tuck yourself in tonight. We'll be late.
03:19
Where you gotta be that's so damn important, I don't get a forehead kiss?
03:22
Your mother and I are gonna go try to make some friends.
03:26
[ Door Closes ]
03:28
I'll kiss your forehead for you.
03:32
[ Muffled Cries ]
03:34
I got ya. I got ya. I got ya.
03:39
They look like a couple we can be friends with.
03:42
Hey, the wife and I have the exact same set of—
03:45
Ah! Oh, my God! No! No! No! You're hideous.
03:47
stan, aren't you gonna introduce me to your—
03:49
[ Shouts ] No! Come on!
03:55
[ Chattering ]
03:56
[ Grunts ] - Strike!
03:58
[ Child ] Good one! - They're so cute out there, aren't they?
04:00
Which one's yours? - Um, number 12.
04:04
That's ours. - I meant number 21.
04:08
The black one? - Yes. My wife here cheated on me.
04:12
Anyway, you guys wanna grab some sush?
04:18
[ Circus ]
04:22
Well, I sold the extra tickets.
04:24
I can't believe we couldn't find one couple friend.
04:26
I can't believe this place doesn't serve booze.
04:29
What?
04:30
There's the guy I sold the seats to.
04:31
I'm so glad you had those extra tickets.
04:33
You know, the wife and I have been really curious about this show.
04:36
We snuck in some margaritas. Do you guys want one?
04:39
Can't believe they don't sell booze.
04:41
We were just saying] - Totally!
04:43
They're a couple! - They're perfect!
04:46
Ow, you elbowed my booby!
04:48
I'm sorry. - It's cool.
04:52
I have had it with the malt shop.
04:55
Kids don't come in anymore. [ Sighs ]
04:57
Who killed small-town America, Steve?
04:59
Cell phones, texting and blogs. That's who.
05:02
I remember the good old days...
05:04
when "Twitter" was just another word for late-night beaver down by the creek.
05:07
Cheer up, Roger. The Cotton Candy Shooter came.
05:09
What? Why didn't you tell me? Give it! Give it!
05:12
[ Rattles ]
05:15
[ Whirs, Stops ] - What the hell? It doesn't work!
05:18
This thing is a piece of crap!
05:20
Get my tub of chalk!
05:22
I'm gonna write some swear words on the driveway, blow off some steam.
05:25
Wait! You have to make them accountable for their shoddy product.
05:28
Yeah! They can't rip us off like that! We ain't no chumps!
05:32
[ Rings ] - [I Woman] Thank you for calling C.C.S. Enterprises.
05:35
Your estimated wait time is two...
05:38
weeks. - What? Forget it!
05:40
Don't hang up! If you hang up, they win!
05:43
I will not be a loser. I will stay on this phone as long as it takes.
05:47
Steve, go get the diaper I sleep in after Indian food.
05:50
[ Upbeat ]
05:51
[ Audience ] Ooh
05:52
Whoo! - [ Man ] Oh! Wow!
05:54
She was stuck in the banister for three days!
05:57
And to this day, I always carry a stick of butter in my purse.
06:00
She totally does! That is so awesome! - Shh. Come on.
06:03
Hey, pal, mind your own business. My friends are telling a story.
06:06
You hear that? He said friends!
06:08
And he called my dumb ramblings a story!
06:12
[ Vehicle Whizzes Past ]
06:14
Do you think they'll call? I wonder if they'll call.
06:17
Maybe we should call them. - No! We don't want to seem too needy.
06:20
[ Rings ]
06:21
It's them! They don't play games!
06:24
Hey, guys! They want us to go out to dinner.
06:28
That sounds great! 8:30. It's a little late.
06:31
It's fine. Say yes! Say yes! - We'd love to!
06:34
Okay, see you then.
06:36
We did it! We have a real, live double-date!
06:39
[ Squeals ] What am I gonna wear?
06:42
Maybe this blue suit with the white shirt and the black tie.
06:46
Yeah, that's it. That'll look nice.
06:48
I'm telling you, it's always funny.
06:50
Oh, he's right. You can't see a guy get hit in the groin and not laugh.
06:55
[ Groans ] - [ Laughing ]
06:58
I cannot tell you guys how glad we are to have found you.
07:01
The last couple we met was so boring.
07:03
Well, that's because they were so old. I mean, they were, like, 40.
07:06
Forty? [ Chuckles ]
07:08
What? Was he from that village in China where they live forever?
07:11
[I Laughs ] - Forty! I'm about to have my 30th, and I'm freaking.
07:16
[ Groans ] Thank God I don't have to think about that for another...
07:19
15 years.
07:21
Oh! My curfew! What time is it?
07:23
Can you drop me off at the roller rink? That's where my dad thinks I am.
07:27
Too far. Reel it in.
07:28
You know, what's really gonna make us feel grown-up is having kids.
07:31
Jinx, jinx, jinx. I can't hear you.
07:33
I'm tellin' you, we use double birth control— Condoms and spermicide.
07:36
We don't want kids for a long time.
07:38
It's good to be young without kids. - We kill kids.
07:41
Reel it in.
07:43
Hey, it's only midnight! How about another bottle? Huh?
07:46
We'll hit up an after-hours club. - [ Winces ]
07:48
What? You're not tired, are ya?
07:50
No! No! We're awake!
07:52
Yep! Wide awake and ready to party. Check it out.
07:54
[ Groans ] - [ Laughing ]
07:58
Well done, sir. [ Winces ]
08:00
Tonight, for dessert, we have figs or dates...
08:03
both in a sweet yogurt sauce. - [ Crashes ]
08:06
Like most ethnic foods, our desserts... are disappointing.
08:14
[ Muzak On Phone]
08:16
Kinda tranquil. No one's dying in Chicago tonight.
08:19
[ Gasps ] - [I Slurring ] Look, Stan. Kitchen people!
08:27
We had the best— Oh, the bread fell.
08:29
We-We had the best dinner, you guys.
08:32
I love it! 3:00 in the morning, and you guys are hammered!
08:37
Your head is so funny-looking! [ Laughs ]
08:40
[I Scatting ] It's so bulbous. - Okay.
08:46
Ow! I need those!
08:48
Do I look smart? Stan! Look at me smart!
08:51
Oh, my God. Mac and cheese! We need mac and cheese.
08:56
Yes! So much yes!
09:04
[ Snoring ] What the—
09:07
[ Groans ]
09:11
st. Ides? Were we drinking 40s?
09:14
What... happened?
09:17
You passed out making mac and cheese.
09:19
Why didn't you turn off the stove? - You guys laughed at my head.
09:24
Now you ruined a pot. Happy with yourselves?
09:27
Hey, you! Ready for our mother-daughter day?
09:29
What are you talking about? - Last night!
09:31
You came into my room and woke me up?
09:33
You said I was the most precious thing in your life...
09:35
and you were ready to be adult friends and that I could call you Francine.
09:38
You said we'd spend the day having fun together.
09:40
Oh, no. No to all of that. - [ Water Running ]
09:44
[ Retches ]
09:46
[ Gulping ] - [ Cell Phone Rings ]
09:48
[ Beeps ] - Hello.
09:49
Hey, you guys ready? - [ Stan ] Hmm?
09:51
For rock climbing. Remember? We said last night?
09:53
We're outside! Let's go!
09:55
They want us to go rock climbing.
09:57
W-We don't have any equipment or, um—
09:59
Not a problem! We gotcha covered
10:02
Hey, if you guys need a few minutes, we'll come in and make mimosas.
10:05
No! We'll be right out. - [ Beeps ]
10:08
Stan, I can't. I feel like the tattoo on Aida Turturro's left boob.
10:14
I feel gross.
10:16
Tony Soprano's sister. - Oh.
10:19
But this is Tom and Cami, the best couple we've ever met!
10:23
If we lose them, it's just you, me and the banister story.
10:27
Okay. Okay.
10:29
Let's do this! [ Gulps ]
10:32
[ Belches ]
10:35
[ Chuckles ] Delightful.
10:43
[ Screeches ]
10:47
[ Snoring ]
10:48
Francine! - [ Snorts ] Oh!
10:50
Hey, Stanny-boy! Frantastic!
10:52
Get up here! The view is amazing]
10:54
Did you hear that? They gave us nicknames!
10:57
The only nickname I ever got was in eighth grade.
10:59
They called me Stan Frank because I was always hiding and writing in my diary.
11:03
I need this new nickname, Francine! Now get your buns moving!
11:11
Stan and I are so glad we met you guys.
11:14
How good does a beer sound? Let's see if this place has yards.
11:19
Mom! I've been looking for you guys.
11:22
There's no food in the house, and Roger and I are stuck on hold. We're starving!
11:26
Just... grab 20 bucks from my purse and get the hell outta here.
11:30
They got 37 microbrews in this pub.
11:32
Gypsy! - Aah! Mommy!
11:35
Downtown Langley has a real Gypsy problem lately.
11:38
They call you Mommy to try to tug on your heartstrings. - [ Grunts ]
11:41
Why, Mommy? I'm a piece of you.
11:48
Hey, guys. So glad you suggested a nice, easy jog.
11:51
Is there a track up here or something?
11:53
What? You've never been free-running? Oh, you're gonna love it. Let's go!
11:56
[ Grunts ]
11:59
Okay, there is no way in hell—
12:02
[ Shouts ]
12:05
[ Grunts ]
12:10
[ Grunts ]
12:13
[ Groans ]
12:16
[ Panting ]
12:20
[ Both Grunt ]
12:27
[ Grunts ]
12:31
[ Grunts ]
12:33
[ Grunts ]
12:34
[ Grunts ]
12:36
[ Grunts ]
12:38
[ Groaning ]
12:49
[ Groaning, Panting ]
12:55
[ Screams, Grunts ]
12:57
[ Groans ] Francine!
13:00
Stan, don't move! I'm coming!
13:08
[ Grunts ] - [ Shouting ]
13:11
[ Shouting ]
13:14
My sunscreen!
13:16
[ Panting ]
13:18
Oh, yeah. - Yeah, sweet free-run.
13:20
Whew. Good, uh— Good free-run.
13:23
Dude, is that your shinbone?
13:25
Yep. Compound fracture feels good after a workout, huh?
13:29
Nice to air out the bones a little.
13:31
[ Groans ]
13:33
I'm gonna chill here, catch my breath, go into shock.
13:36
I'll meet up with you at the tiki bar.
13:41
[ Grunts ] - [ Woman ] Get it, boy!
13:44
[ Panting ] - [ Screams ]
13:46
That's not your bone, silly. Who's a silly boy?
13:49
It's okay. He's friendly.
13:50
[ Growls ] - [ Screams ]
13:54
[ Muzak On Phone]
13:56
[ Woman ] Thank you for calling C.C.S. Enterprises.
13:59
if you know the department you'd like to reach, please say it now.
14:02
Billing! - Did you say, "Beverly Billingsley?
14:05
No! Billing! Billing!
14:07
Transferring to... Beverly Billingsley.
14:10
[ Woman ] I] Hello? - Go screw yourself!
14:13
Why does everyone keep calling and saying that?
14:16
Well, I'm not one to disappoint my fans. Guess this'll do.
14:22
[ Steve ] Hello? Can you please transfer me to Customer Service?
14:28
We gotta pull ourselves together. We're meeting 'em in 20 minutes.
14:32
Okay, okay, we can do this. Are you ready? - I'm ready!
14:35
[ Both Grunting ]
14:41
[ Shouting ]
14:45
I am so glad you guys could join us for brunch. - We wouldn't miss it.
14:48
Yay! More alcohol.
14:54
So Tommy and I have a great idea for a trip the four of us can take.
14:57
There's this vertical glacier in Alaska that you can ski.
15:01
Oh, it's a fantastic challenge.
15:02
You know, about 30% of the people who try it die. But they're all old.
15:07
That sounds... great.
15:09
Terrific! Race you to the omelet bar!
15:12
We can't go.
15:14
No way. This has gone too far.
15:16
I miss being over 40.
15:18
But if we don't keep up with Tom and Cami, we'll lose them.
15:23
Maybe we can't keep up with them, but we can slow them down.
15:29
We sabotage their birth control...
15:31
and give Tom and Cami the gift of lifelong responsibility
15:37
We have 45 minutes until they get back from their midnight triathlon.
15:40
Barf to that hobby.
15:42
Got the condoms! - Found the spermicide!
15:46
Hey, I get the part where if Tom and Cami have a kid...
15:49
they'll have to slow down like us...
15:51
but how do we know they'll keep the baby?
15:53
Oh, they're not gonna abort it.
15:55
'Cause they're awesome.
16:02
[ Chattering ]
16:04
Tom-Tom! Cameo! Have some wine.
16:07
Actually, we have some news.
16:11
Oh, congratulations!
16:13
We haven't even told you our news.
16:15
Oh, but having news is great!
16:18
I love news! I'm like the Cookie Monster with news!
16:22
News! Num-num-num-num-num-num-num! - Francine.
16:24
[ Sighs ] Well, it's early, but... we're pregnant.
16:28
I guess that means we can't go on that ski trip.
16:32
You're really gonna have to slow down now, huh?
16:35
I don't know how this happened.
16:37
You must've put the condom on wrong.
16:39
Well, even if I did, you clearly did not use your spermicide.
16:42
I did. I just—
16:44
Maybe it turned bad. There were so many ants!
16:49
It's been like this since we found out.
16:51
We just aren't ready for a baby.
16:54
[ Muffled ] I'm so furious! I told you—
16:57
No, I got it! - [ Indistinct ]
16:59
[ Indistinct ] - Honey, no.
17:00
Oh, yeah. Guess what. Guess what. - No, I got it.
17:03
If you had, I wouldn't have a kid in my stomach!
17:05
How many times do I have to say sorry?
17:07
[ Shouts ]
17:11
They're gonna be fine.
17:13
Guys, I'm sorry. Cami and I are through.
17:15
[ Gasps ] No.
17:17
Oh, come on You guys have to stay together.
17:20
Yeah, the four of us have so much fun!
17:22
Hey, remember this? - [ Groans ]
17:25
Yeah, I guess the one time it's not funny...
17:27
is when the life you've built with the woman you love comes crashing down around you.
17:31
[ Sobs ]
17:35
We have to fix this.
17:42
Good. I see we're on the same page here about what we have to do.
17:45
Clean up the house, hang up all our coats...
17:47
and figure out how to get Tom and Cami back together.
17:50
Guess what. I won tickets to the new Cirque du Soleil show...
17:53
Cirque du Hey, Hey, Hey.
17:54
Oh, based on Fat Albert?
17:56
Oh, no, I-i said it wrong. It's Cirque du Hey, Hey, Hey.
17:59
It's based on What's Happening.
18:01
We'll take those. - Hey!
18:05
Turkeys.
18:08
This is perfect!
18:09
You give a ticket to Cami, and I'll give one to Tom.
18:11
Then when they show up at the show, they'll remember how good we all were together...
18:14
and fall back in love.
18:16
Oh, Richard Lewis is opening! That means we don't have to go early!
18:22
We're gonna get our best friends back!
18:24
Okay. But eventually Mom and I need to discuss...
18:27
the vicious purse beating she gave me last time I saw her!
18:30
[ Clicks ] - I got a person!
18:32
Hello? Yes. I was very displeased with the Cotton Candy Shooter.
18:36
I want a full refund.
18:38
Tha— Thank you.
18:40
We send it back, and they refund our credit card the entire amount.
18:43
We did it! - Yay! Whoo-hoo!
18:47
Yes, you got $14.99 refunded...
18:52
back to Greg and Terry's credit card.
18:55
[ Gasps ] I forgot we used their card.
18:58
Who cares about Greg and Terry's money?
19:00
You knew all along! Why did you goad us on every step of the way?
19:05
Remember that crack you made...
19:07
about me not being able to enjoy portable things?
19:10
Well, I can enjoy making you two suffer.
19:13
You'll never get back those days you spent on hold, you asswads!
19:16
[ Laughs Maniacally ]
19:21
Are we stupid, Steve? No, honestly, are we?
19:24
I mean, I have a master's in City Planning from Howard University.
19:27
I could tell you where your convention center should go...
19:29
but I can't tell you when a fish is giving me the business.
19:34
[Funk]
19:46
Oh, are you kidding me? - You really thought this old trick would work?
19:50
Wait! Just hear us out.
19:53
You two are pretty much the best couple we've ever met.
19:55
You're perfect for each other. You have to stay together.
19:59
It's-It's too late.
20:01
A baby doesn't ruin your life! It makes it great!
20:04
How would you know? - Because we have two of them.
20:07
What? - Remember that Gypsy I punched on the street?
20:11
That was my son. - You lied!
20:13
Yes, but we're not lying about this.
20:16
Having kids is great, even if it means having to slow down.
20:19
Trust us. As soon as you have that baby...
20:22
you're gonna be so glad we broke into your house and sabotaged your birth control.
20:26
You what? - You two are monsters!
20:30
You were right. You said there was something off about them.
20:32
Yeah, you said there was no way she was a day under 40.
20:35
You bitch! - Honey, she's right.
20:37
Oh, Cami, I'll never doubt you again. I missed you.
20:41
Come on. Let's get out of here before one of these geezers has a heart attack.
20:46
Why would I tweezer my fart crack?
20:48
Stupid kids.
20:50
You know, Stan, maybe it's best if we don't have friends.
20:53
What do you say you and me go home...
20:55
and tell each other boring stories for the rest of our lives?
20:58
That sounds perfect.
21:01
[ Funk Continues ]
21:03
You guys have been talking through the whole damn show. - Watch this.
21:06
I'm so sorry. Nut punch!
21:08
Block! Counter nut punch! - [ Laughing ]
21:11
Always... funny.
21:46
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
